M A X E N E

"You can't die here, not yet." 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas gusto ko na lang mamatay ngayon kaysa marinig ang boses na iyon. Hindi ako makagalaw at wala na akong halos lakas pa para gumalaw ngunit nang marinig kong palapit siya sa akin, kinumbinsi ko ang kaluluwa kong gumalaw.

"Maxene." he called out my name and I felt nothing but fear. When I slightly glanced back at him and confirmed that he is the least person I'm expecting to see today. I fear that when I see his face, I'll break. It'll be the end of me.

Pinilit ko ang sarili ko tumayo at humaripas ako ng takbo palayo sa kanya. Hindi niya ako pwede makita ng ganito. Hindi niya dapat narinig kung ano man ang narinig niya kanina. Hindi ko dapat siya makita ngayon.

Paano na naman nalaman ni Travis kung nasaan ako?

T R A V I S

I cussed when I lost sight of her after she ran away from me. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko nang hindi ko na alam kung saan ko pa siya pwedeng hanapin. Nakakahiya rin na naka-istorbo pa ako ng ilang mga tao dito na natutulog na rin ng maaga kung magsi-sisigaw pa ako. Tama na yung isang beses akong sumigaw. 

Lagot talaga siya sa akin! Nakakainis! 

Hindi ko pa alam kung saan-saan siya nag lululusot para lang iwasan o takbuhan ako. Ano na naman bang pumasok sa isipan ng babaeng iyon? Hindi ako pamilyar sa lugar na ito at hindi ko alam kung saan siya hahanapin.

Mamaya mapaano na naman siya.

Tumunog ang cellphone ko at nakita ang text message ng reception mula sa tinutuluyan ni Maxene. Mabuti na lang at tama ang napagtanungan ko kanina; ilan lang naman iyon sa hotel na pwede niyang tuluyan dito.

Agad na rin akong bumalik ng hotel at dumiretso sa kwarto niya. Kinatok ko ng tatlong beses ang pintuan niya pero hindi siya sumagot, "Maxene open the door." kumatok ako uli, "Open the goddamn door Max." pilit kong inaayos ang sarili ko bago pa man may taong lumabas dahil sa babaeng nagpa importante sa loob ng kwarto na halatang iniiwasan ako, "Alam kong nandyan ka Maxene." I informed her before she could even deny this fact on my face, "I have the receptionist call me to inform me that you're here."

May ilang taong nakakita sa akin mula sa kani-kanilang kwarto. Tsk! Ilang beses ba akong pahihiyain ng babaeng ito? 

"Hay mga lalaki talaga," kumento ng isang babae na hindi ko kilala, bahagya ko siyang nilingon para naman hindi ako magmukhang rude. Nakita ko na may kasama siyang lalaki at nakita ko kung paano siya suwayin ng hindi ko sigurado kung asawa ba niya o kinakasama.

"May tampuhan kayo ng girlfriend mo 'no?" nakangiting tanong ng lalaki sa akin at wala akong balak sagutin ang tanong na iyon dahil hindi ako sigurado sa isasagot ko. Just to be polite I gave them an awkward nod and let me be with my business. Ilang beses ba akong mapapahiya sa araw na ito?

"Let's talk." I contained the sound of my voice enough for her to hear but she's testing my patience, "I'll have someone open the door kung hindi mo ito bubuksan, pwepwersahin kita." I warned but she's damn stubborn! "You're really not going to open the door?" nagtitimpi kong tanong sa babaeng nasa loob ng kwartong kaharap ko ngayon. Nauubos na ang pasensya ko sa kanya, "I'll have someone open your door Maxene." I declared with gritted teeth as I marched away from her room until I heard a clicking sound coming from her door.

Bubuksan na niya ang pintuan niya. 

Agad akong bumalik sa harapan ng kwarto niya nang tuluyan na niya itong binuksan sa harapan ko na dala-dala niya ang gamit niya. Tatakasan na naman niya ako.

Gulat. Takot. Pag-aalinlangan. Ilan lang iyon sa nakita ko sa mga mata niya pero isa lang ang dahilan kung bakit lahat ng pagod, kahihiyan at inis ko ngayong araw ay biglang natabunan ng emosyon na kagabi ko pa dinadala dala sa dibdib ko.

M A X E N E

I see him breathing heavily. His eyes were upset, depressed and terrified. He is angry. Angry Travis is scary.

I tried to look away and push the door so it would close again, but he's too strong that he was able to push me back and slam the door behind him. Napa-atras ako pero dahil sa maliit lang ang kwarto kaagad ding sumalubong ang pader sa likuran ko. Is he going to hurt me like he did before? I close my eyes, bite my lip and bow my head. My eyes start to tear up again. He pulled me to his arms and embraced me.

My heart stopped.

"I found you, at last." he muttered as if he's been searching for me for a very long time. His hand supports the back of my head while the other is holding my waist. I tried to push him away because he's not supposed to be here, but I couldn't defy his strength, "Buong araw kitang hinanap Maxene." his voice almost breaks as I feel his tear on my shoulder, "Buong araw kitang hinanap." nanghihina niyang ani.

"Hindi ka naman dapat na andito Travis." pagtaboy ko sa kanya. I have to save some pride for myself, "Paano mo ako nahanap dito?" dinaan ko siya sa intimidation ko.

"I heard you shouting near the beach." he is now caressing the back of my head.

Shit! "Hi-hindi ako iyon."

He chuckles weakly, "I heard everything Maxene. I heard your rants. Everything, I heard everything." Shit!

"So ano? Kina-kaawaan mo ako ngayon, ganoon ba?" I mocked him, but he didn't answer, "At least spare me my pride Travis. Kahit iyon lang, ipaubaya mo na sa akin." before my voice attempts to break I have to push him away, "Please leave me."

You already have Monique.

He pushes me slowly, attempting to meet my gaze. I look away immediately. He adjusted his head to meet my eyes again but I don't really want to see his face right now. Maaaring kinakaawaan niya lang ako. I don't need his pity. Not now. Not ever.

"Max, look at me." he begged, but I'll stand my ground. This time I have to build myself my very own fortress. I have to protect the pieces of my pathetic broken stupid heart. He got so impatient that he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. I close my eyes, "Look at me Maxene." he demands. I shake my head and hear him exhale with frustration. 

The next thing he did was kiss me but I maintained my stern composure. I wouldn't allow him to just sweep me off my feet. I heard him groan restlessly but still he didn't stop there. He pushed me to bed and I felt him on top of me. I can feel that he is getting a little desperate. His hands do the trick to distract me. His hand wanders around my body and I feel his hungry kisses at my neck down to my collarbone until he reaches my bosom. I won't concede. I won't! I won't! I won't! I bit my lip so he wouldn't penetrate my lips until I tasted my own blood. He stopped distracting me, his breathing changes drastically begging me so bad that I feel that he cried on top of me.

"Maxene, parang awa mo na," pagsusumamo niya. Hindi ako makagalaw sa bigat niya sa ibabaw ko, "Sabi mo hindi ka takot sa akin, pero ni ang tingnan ako ngayon, hindi mo magawa." his voice sounded miserable. I didn't answer him. I feel his forehead beside my temple. I feel the warmth of his breath on my neck. His hand is cupping my face. His thumb brushing my bleeding lips like a soft feather, "Maxene...please..." his voice begs again but I'm not going to surrender to him. I maintain my eyes closed. I don't want to see him. I'll break. I won't allow him to. No. I shouldn't. He takes a deep breath, "Ganoon ka na lang ba katakot mahalin ako?" his voice grew weary. I don't care, bahala siya diyan. Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi niya. Masyado ko nang ibinaba ang sarili ko. To think na lahat handa ko ibigay, huwag lang nila ako iwan.

At bakit ba niloloko ko ang sarili ko? Travis won't risk anything for me. I even couldn't help to think that maybe there are times that he sees me as Monique every time we do our sessions. Hindi rin naman imposible iyon. Hindi naman ako ganoon katanga para hindi maramdaman na sana si Monique ang kasama niya at hindi si Maxene. Sinabi na rin naman niya noong una pa lang, he never had anyone besides Monique.

He never had any relationship with anyone besides Monique.

His heart belongs to Monique, only her.

He's that loyal to her and I'm just her replacement and I'm stupid for being one. I was a fool to set rule number 3! I was a fool for accepting this arrangement. I wanted to regret that I said yes. I want to regret that he heard what I shouted near the beach earlier. This won't happen if Kenzo would just accept me. Kunin na lang niya ako mula kay Travis kahit hindi na niya ako mahal, kunin niya lang ako kay Travis.

But my heart just betrayed me. I let myself fall knowing that I'll sink into the unknown. I scoffed, "You might have heard everything wrong Travis." I denied, just to defend myself and forced myself to smile. But I won't open my eyes because he might see the truth. The truth is ugly. I've had enough heartbreaks for one day.

I'm a hopeless case.

He let his head fall on top of my chest and I felt him savoring my scent. I feel his tears falling from his eyes. He reaches for my hand and feels him lock it with his and kisses it, "Maxene, do you regret... meeting me?" He's holding his voice together but his voice is drained. His question just breaks my walls in an instant. How could he read me like that, my eyes are closed? Then I realized, nakahiga nga pala siya sa dibdib ko. Is he listening to my heart?

Huwag ka makinig dyan Travis, traydor yang puso na 'yan!

I attempted to open my eyes and see him looking in a different direction, I'm now looking at his hair.

"Just so you know, you threw a huge joke at me last night," his voice cracked and he paused, "Jokes are supposed to be funny, but that joke terrified me." he confessed, "Umuwi ako dahil ayokong umasa at paasahin ka. I thought giving you some space will clear the misunderstanding between us." he's still listening to my heartbeat, "All I know was you love Kenzo, he's the world to you. Lagi kong itinatatak iyon sa utak ko para ipaalala ko sa sarili ko kung hanggang saan lang ako dapat." there's bitterness in his voice.

I cried a tear. Is that how he really feels?

"I know I was unfair to you. I hate to admit that I want you for myself so bad. Pero noong bumalik si Monique," he speaks her name as if he's ripping out a piece of his heart, "I just wanted to belong with her, since I know that one day I will also let go of you. I promised to set you free someday, iyon ang napag usapan natin, hindi ba?" I gulped, "Kapag dumating na ang araw na iyon, I wouldn't want to hold any regrets of meeting you Maxene. Kapag dumating na ang araw kung kailan ibibigay na kita sa kanya, gusto ko maging masaya ka. Even if in exchange of 'that someday', we'll be strangers again." his voice is filled with sadness, "Ayoko sayangin ang panahon na kasama kita bago mangyari ang araw na iyon."

I know that he promised he'd help me with my freedom, that's why I agreed with our arrangement in the first place. What I didn't know was--

"Call me a fraud, a liar, a monster, but I am more me when I'm with you Maxene." his voice is breaking. He's feeling the same way I did and he just chose to hide it. He hides himself so well that I didn't... I didn't realize that he's in pain too.

I reached for his hair and brushed it. He gradually looks at me with tears in his eyes and a faint smile on his face. He looks at me like an apologetic child. He adjusted himself so that he could face me better. His eyes, his face, his heart, his soul is crying openly in front of me. He reaches for my face and caresses me, "You're crying." I muttered weakly, "I never thought you'd cry like this."

He chuckled with a smile but his eyes were still in tears, "I thought so too." He reads my thoughts as if he understands that I'm still recovering from a heartbreak, "Let's not rush things out. We have all the time in the world."

What does he mean by that? Will that someday still happen? I couldn't speak a word, but his eyes hated that someday.

He levels himself beside me fixing my hair off my face. I close my eyes and I feel he planted a kiss on my forehead, "I will never be Monique, Travis." I uttered insecurely, "You might probably see me as her replacement." I admitted weakly.

He shakes his head, "No, no you're not." I open my eyes and see myself in his eyes, he caresses my face, "Because you are Maxene."

I put up an awkward smile, "Paano kung yung narinig mo ay nasabi ko lang dahil malungkot ako sa pagkaka-iwan ulit sa akin ni Kenzo ngayon? What if I'm being indecisive?"

A faint smile forms on his face, "Well let's just re-evaluate our feelings first." He sounds almost defeated but his eyes never left mine. I closed my eyes as a tear fell slowly on my face.

"Pagkatapos ng gabing ito," I say looking in his eyes, "Ayoko na muna ikaw makita Travis." his eyes shows great anxiety from what he just heard from me, "Everything in me is falling apart," I look away insecurely, "I don't want to hurt you as much as I don't want to hurt myself." I tried to laugh my feelings off. "I'm just so tired. I need a break from everything, including you."

He cupped my face as he looked into my soul. He blinked and gulped, "Then I'll give you the time you need." his voice is filled with uncertainty.

I nod, telling him, "Thank you and I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, "Sorry, saan?"

"I'm one hell of a mess." I tell him and hear him chuckled. He looks into my eyes as he traces my face, "I understand if you'll just get up and leave."

"Do you want me to?" he asks, his voice almost teasing me.

I shrugged getting up from bed and went straight to the window. "Bahala ka kung anong desisyon mo. Buhay mo iyan." I avoided his gaze as I control my heart for being stupid.

"Ikaw ang tinanong ko Maxene, dahil may desisyon na ako." he declared from behind me, "Kung gusto mong umalis ako, aalis ako." may bakas ng pag-aalinlangan ang boses niya at tila may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang bitawan niya ang mga salitang iyon. "Pero kung ayaw mo," he pauses, took a deep breath I feel him breathing behind me, "Mananatili ako sa tabi mo hanggang sa umaga dahil sabi mo pagkatapos ng gabing ito, ayaw mo na muna ako makita. Kaya may isang gabi pa ako para manatili sa tabi mo bago sumikat ang araw." he says casually putting his hand on my shoulder.

I bit my lip inwardly, looked down hiding my uncertainties, "Leave." that's the safest answer I could say out loud, "You're just wasting your time here with me, mas mabuti pang umalis ka na lang Travis." I pinched my forearm, maintaining my composure. I felt his hand letting go of my shoulder and I cried silently.

I didn't expect that he'd grab me until my face landed on his chest, "I have nowhere else to go Maxene," he chuckled softly as he brushed my tears away with his knuckles, "This. Is. My. Decision." he declared as he kissed my forehead. My temple. My eyes. My cheeks-- he stopped tracing my face with his fingers, as he held both of my hands to his face and kissed them both. I am melting from the gaze of his dark brown eyes as if he is asking for a certain permission to be granted. There's that heartstring that plays that familiar melody again everytime our eyes meet like this, he blinks and utters, "I'm waiting for your answer."

Matagal na akong talo. Talong talo na ako. Bakit kahit masakit, bakit nakakapit pa rin ako sa kanya? Hindi ko mabitawan ang mukha niya na ngayon ay hawak ng mga kamay ko.

His eyes were in pain as if we're mirroring each other's emotions.

Bakit ganito kasakit mahalin ang taong tulad niya?

I'm at war with my heart, but seeing him openly showing me this face that I once saw way back then, makes me want to raise the white flag. I am conceding.

I didn't say anything as I let my emotions flow like a stream in my heart. I tiptoed, reached his lips and kissed him. His hands pull me towards him until he takes me delicately in his arms benevolently as we have tonight.

The breeze of the wind touches our skin as we breathe the same air together.

His kisses fuels my drained soul. His strength overwhelms my weak body. His voice resonates in my ears as if he's humming that same melody I'm hearing. His warmth made me remember that I am still breathing and alive.

"Maxene." he calls my name again. And again, and again like he's composing a song out of my name. He holds my hand to his chest and I feel how his heartbeat syncs with mine. I felt his tears on my skin. He fills me with kisses that twinkled like stars on the night skies.

I am out of words as I see him looking at me like I'm the missing piece of his puzzle. He didn't take his eyes away from me as if our souls were talking to one another using a language that is foreign to us at this very moment. By the time our journey reached the peak; yearning, adoration and devotion was visible in his face as if he was giving me this gift that I'm uncertain if I should open it.

He kissed me once more before he let me go. He removes the rubber and comes back, holding me in his arms. He faces me with a small smile. I wanted to smile, but I couldn't. I just closed my eyes and felt another tear fall from my eye. I felt his hand wipe my tears away as he covered me under the sheets with him.

"Thank you." I uttered weakly, "Thank you for staying..." I'm not sure if I voice out those subconscious thoughts as I doze off from everything that has happened to me.

Travis, thank you for giving me hope.

T R A V I S

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na ang nakalipas ng tuluyan na siyang nakatulog sa tabi ko. Para akong tangang nagbabantay sa kanya dahil baka paggising ko mawala siya ulit sa tabi ko. I couldn't help but gaze at her while she slept beside me. I couldn't ignore the fact that she cried a river today. I traced her soft face kissing her cheeks but when she's about to move away from me, I immediately took her into my arms, never letting her go. Masyado na ba akong clingy sa kanya?

Her body heat and mine is all that I need to calm myself down since last night. I inhaled her scent and her scent comforted me. Her hand just landed on my chest and I immediately kissed it, filling the gap between our fingers. I wouldn't get tired of kissing every part of her.

"Travis." she calls my name in her sleep. For some reason I like the sound of my name in her sleep. I feel myself smiling from how her voice utters my name. Ang babaw ko para maramdaman ang sobrang kaligayahan na pinaparamdam niya sa akin miski hanggang sa pagtulog niya, lalo na ngayon at alam ko na at tanggap ko na...

Matagal na akong talo, pero natatakot akong isugal ang lahat.

Wala sa plano ang mapunta kami sa ganitong sitwasyon. Ayokong umasa at miski siya ay ayaw niyang maging rebound namin ang isa't-isa. Yet how can I stop what has already started? 

I wouldn't rush her. Especially now that everything made sense.

Dahil katulad niya rin ako.

We're the embodiment of irony. She tries so hard to tell a lie in front of my face, but I lie better.

Yet because of our own dishonesty, we keep on making the same mistake pushing and pulling from each other's grasp.

Hindi ko siya masisisi kung mas pipiliin niya sumama kay Kenzo matapos ang mga kasalanang ginawa ko sa kanya, kung tutuusin tinulak ko siya para gawin ito. Sinagad ko siya hanggang sa maubos na lang siya. Pwede ko naman siya pabayaan, pero huli na ng napagtanto ko na hinahanap hanap ko siya. Na gusto ko siyang makita ulit, kahit mula sa malayo. Kahit pa makita ko siyang kasama ng ex niya.

Pero hindi ko naman inaasahan na makikita ko siyang wasak na wasak ngayon ang akala kong magsasalba sa kanya, muli siyang iniwan sa ere. Kung pwede lang dadalhin ko ang bigat na dinadala niya, dadalhin ko para sa kanya. Pero sino ba naman ako para gawin iyon, lalo na at alam ko rin naman na sinasaktan ko rin siya. Sinasaktan ko siya dahil hindi ko alam kung paano siya itulak palayo sa akin bago ko pa man makalimutan ang totoong ugnayan naming dalawa. Bago pa ako tuluyang hindi makabitaw sa kanya.

Narinig kong lahat ng hinanakakit niya sa tabi ng dalampasigan. Lahat ng tinatago tago niyang bigat sa dibdib ay inilabas niyang lahat. Pinabayaan ko siyang isigaw lahat kahit na nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. Wala akong magawa dahil alam ko naman na ayaw niya akong makita, pero hindi ko inaasahan na hihilingin niyang–

'Please let me at least keep Travis in my life!'

Bakit Maxene?

'Kahit siya na lang ang itira ninyo sa akin. Wala na akong hihilingin pa.'

Hindi pa ba sapat na sinaktan din kita para hilingin mo na umalis ako sa buhay mo?

'I can't stop my heart from loving him. I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't.'

Sapat na ang mga salitang iyon para magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob para lapitan siya. Those words were like a ray of hope that lights my way to where she is. Her words reached out my soul as my heart sees the freedom that it yearns for so long.

Do I deserve her? Should I allow myself? I set aside those thoughts as my heart tells me: she needs me as much as I needed her. Everytime I take a step towards her, I'm letting go of all my uncertainties and my fears. I'm taking these steps without looking back, for all I see is Maxene now.

This is my decision.

I would want to fall for you, but I'm not yet whole. You deserve so much more, yet how could I repay you with all I have left knowing that my heart is still in ruins?

Will you stay with me a little longer? I know I can't ask that from you, Maxene. Masyado ka ng maraming binigay sa akin ng walang hinihinging kapalit. Ngunit, isa lang ang alam ko; mas pagbubutihan kong buuin muli ang sarili ko. Para kapag dumating na ang panahon, handa na akong ibigay sa iyo ang lahat ng mayroon ako.

Alam kong gusto mo munang ipahinga ang puso mo, kaya pagbibigyan kita. Pero ayoko naman na ikaw lang ng ikaw ang susugal sa atin. Mabagal man pero Maxene, malapit na ako.

Sana'y mahintay mong masabi ko ang mga salitang iyon sa iyo. Masyadong mabigat ang mga salitang iyon lalo na at hindi rin iyon nabigyan noon ng sapat na halaga. Natakot na akong bitawan ang mga salitang iyon pagkatapos noon. Pero isa lang ang kasiguraduhan na meron ako para muli akong sumugal sa pangalawang pagkakataon na ito.

Ikaw ang pag-asa ko Maxene.

I am choosing you.