thomas + minho seduce each other into getting the nutella and newt is fed up of their bullshit

based off a random thought i had whilst messaging urfrenhopefully (hi) djfjdjj

this is a complete shitpost snd its a joke and its pretty much crack

"Nutella is a better boyfriend than you'll ever be!" Thomas declared, holding his Nutella jar on his head. 

Minho gasped, lunging forward in an attempt to grab the jar, but Thomas dodged so he just fell onto the sofa. "Give me that monstrosity!" He hissed, but in reality it sounded more like a whine.

Newt sighed at their bickering. "Shut the fuck up. Please." He wanted nothing less than peace and quiet, but of course his stupid boyfriends had to compete over whether marmite or nutella was better. Like, hello, clearly neither.

They both decided to give their boyfriend no response or attention, and instead continued fighting. "Marmite is too strong. Nutella is delicious. Nutella has nice notes of salt from the hazelnuts, and it can be bitter because of the chocolate. It's sweet, of course, and-"

"Stop describing cum." Minho snickered. He grinned once Thomas blinked blankly, face red, taken off guard. He leapt off the sofa, grabbed the nutella and whooped. "Sucker! Take that!"

"You-I- That's unfair!" Thomas whined, folding his arms. He paused for a second. Newt could practically hear his thoughts - a concoction of 'shitgaypanic' and 'two can play at that game!'.

The latter seemed to be the more predominant thought, because the stupid brunet strode up to Minho, leant forward to whisper in his ear and wrapped his arms around his back. "Maybe I was thinking about cum."

Minho stared straight ahead. "Uh." Minho.exe has broken. Please restart. Or don't.

Thomas grabbed the jar back before making a run for it to the other sofa, which he jumped onto. "Horny loser!" He stuck his tongue out and unscrewed the jar, smirking as it came off with a pop. "Nobody can stop me and my nutella." He stuck a finger into the chocolate spread and licked it off his finger. And, just because he's Thomas and he's an ass, he threw his head back and moaned. 

Newt grimaced. "Stop spreading germs. Fucking disgusting." He shook his head disapprovingly, but didn't look up from his phone once.

"Hot." Minho winked, because it's MINHO. "Seriously though, give me it back! I'm better than some fakeass nutella!" 

"Stop being jealous over nutella!"

"I'm not jealous!"

"Yes you are!"

"Am not."

"Are."

"Are not."

"Are."

"Are not."

"Are."

"Are no- UGH fine I'm getting marmite." Minho huffed and stormed out the room. He was not going to let his stupid boyfriend have terrible taste.

Newt finally looked up, and blinked at Thomas. "I'm one more fake argument over spreads away from either jumping off a fucking building a second time or breaking up with you."

"You better be joking or I will kill you." Thomas glared. 

Newt merely hummed. "Go stop Minho from breaking all the honey jars in his attempt to get the marmite jar." He rolled his eyes. "And get me some honey whilst you're at it."

"Am I not sweet enough for y-"

"No.

"STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING NUTELLA JARS YOU ABSOLUTE PILE OF SHIT!"

Newt just somehow knew they were going to get filed for a neighbourhood sound complaint.

——die

"I got you honey!" Thomas trilled, practically skipping into the living room, holding a jar of manuka honey. "It's the best one I could find. Minho kept pushing me, but it's okay, because I succeeded in getting the most delicious substance for the best person in the entire world!"

Newt eyed him suspiciously. He still held his hands out for the honey, not wanting to miss the offering, but he did not trust his boyfriend one bit. "You forgot a teaspoon."

Minho walked in, holding a spoon. "Here." The blond didn't miss the glare he gave Thomas, and he couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Minho, stop annoying Newt."

"No, you're the one annoying him."

"Uh, no I'm not. You are."

"Uh, yes you fucking are. I'm just being nice because I gave him a spoon. You're being a pick me." He held his arms in the air as he mocked Thomas. "'Oh Newt, I got you honey! Oh Newt, you're an angel! Oh Newt, you're better than Minho! Oh Newt, you're so amazing!' Pick me."

(I KEPT DELETING THE THING BEFORE THIS AND I GOT SO PISSED FUCK)

"I do not sound like that." Thomas countered. "Plus, Newt is better than you because he didn't break all the nutella jars! He appreciates my love, and admiration and he just genuinely appreciates me!-"

"Okay." Newt took a spoonful of honey. "Minho, get some marmite, and we're going to watch something." He shushed the brunet when he opened his mouth to retaliate. "Shush, Tommy, you're not invited."

Minho shot Thomas a look of pride.

Yeah, but they still didn't argue when Thomas came to sit on the bed, an offering of marmite and honey in his hands...

.... and of course nutella. Thomas might be sweet, but he would never stoop as low as eating marmite and honey straight out the jar.

SOBBING IDK WTF I JUST WROTE

also for the record

marmite > nutella + honey

i fuckin love marmite 

it goes marmite > nutella > honey

honey is too sweet but nutella is good