First hour was seconds away but I stood next to Mya, in front of her own class. She was talking, but my mind was too focused on how happy I was to be around her again. I kept my eyes on her, tracing across her entire face. Looking at her plump lips that I-

"Charlie, I know you aren't listening to anything I am saying right now." A red tint creeps to my cheeks, but my eyes never look away from her. I didnt mind being caught looking at her, admiring her anymore. I knew she liked it whether she admitted it formally or not. I shook my head honestly.

"No, I wasnt Im sorry." I smile at her. She rolled her eyes playfully. I caught myself nervously glancing around the hallways, seeing as people stared at the
bruising across my face. But I didnt care about them, I was more worried about seeing Ross. I knew Mya could sense my nervousness but she didnt push the topic. Instead, I felt her thin arms snake around my torso.

"I'll let you head to class." She said softly. She glanced up at me once more, flashing her bright smile. Gosh, I can't wait to see that smile for the rest of my life. "Are you okay today?" I found her asking. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm just, happy I don't know?" I said casually.

"About?" I didnt answer, hearing the final bell ring, signaling one minute until the start of class.

"I gotta go, I'll see you next period." I called out, smiling down at her and rushing down the hallway, ensuring not to bump into anyone. I reached my class, sliding into my desk  and shooting a smile at Breanna like I normally do. She sat putting on lipgloss, staring at her reflection on her phone screen. See, no thought of pursuing something with someone who's applying lipgloss in a math class, on a Monday at 8am.

Mr Glass walked into the class, his eyes meeting mine with a scowl. "Now what happened to you, Mr. Daniels'?" His voice boomed across the classroom. The students that attended the party snickered, even the ones that just heard from mutual friends. The ones who didn't know, stared in confusion along with Mr. Glass. It was almost perfect timing as Ross's tall frame entered the classroom. He had a hood on his head and sunglasses shielding his eyes as he trudged to his own desk. The snickering got louder at his presence. Mr. Glass turned and watched Ross slide into his seat and look up at him. "Williams, take your hood off, and the shades? Really?" Ross ignored him and turned his attention down to his phone.    

    I was eager to see this unfold, mostly because I wanted to see the damage done. The damage I done. I caught myself staring at him intently, soon his eyes met mine behind the dark lenses. I raised my eyebrows at him and he shot me a sly grin. Finally, he took off the shades and dropped his hood. I didn't hit him hard enough apparently. He suffered a black eye, almost as dark as mine, and a swollen cut cheek that he was hoping could be hidden by the frames. His eyes never left mine as we stared back at each other. No expression, no grins. Just straight faces glaring across the room. I didn't want him thinking I was intimidated, so I waited until he looked away first but he didn't. Even as the last of the students piled in the room, passing through our gaze, the eye contact never broke. I furrow my brow at him slightly, causing him to grin again.

    Mr Glass started class with a grim welcome, diving straight into the chapter. He talked his nonsense for several minutes, writing equations on the board and asking questions to the class. But I paid no attention. My eyes continued to furrow at Ross, who stared right back at me. It went on for what seemed like forever before Mr. Glass slammed his marker on the top of his solid desk.

    "Do you two need to be excused?" Mr. Glass called. I still didn't turn my head away, Ross didn't either at first, but soon he slowly moved his head to look at Glass. He chuckled to himself.

    "Is that an offer to skip your class?" He asked testily. Mr. Glass scoffed.

    "I don't have time for your sarcastic comments today, Williams. Either focus on the lecture or find your way out." Ross shook his head, more to himself than a response and looked back at me.

    "What do you say, Charlie? Wanna find our way out." He shoved his chair back roughly, his eyes never leaving mine. "I don't have time for your shit today either, Ricky." He called to the teacher, he trotted his way over to me. "But I am not getting sent out for no reason."

    My heart quickened as he neared. There's no way he's that fucking mad, still? He walked over and grabbed my arm, pulling me out of my seat and into his face. "Go ahead hit me." He mocked. I looked at him confused. "Go on."

    "Bro, I ain't doing this with you. Can you fucking move on?" Ross gave me another gruel grin. Pushing me back lightly.

    "Yeah, but first, hit me." No matter how much I wanted to, I shook my head. Sneaking out the house again was one thing, but a second suspension in a year was another. I shook my head harder.

    "Ross, just leave me alone man." I pleaded, but the anger and frustration never left my face. He scoffed, I was getting worried. Ross knew exactly how to get under my skin, what made me rage. He showed exactly everything he knew the night of the party. He knew sooner or later, I was going to explode and lash out on him, again. It was almost like he wanted that. I use to praise Ross for not being a product of his own environment, but in the last few weeks, he's been found following in the same tracks.

    He shoved me one last time, Mr Glass's voice rang out as he walked over to us. "Both of you, just go." I looked at Glass.

    "Sir, I didn't even do anything?" I pled.

    He threw his hands in the air. "I don't care, I'm tired of you two causing issues. It's 8 in the damn morning, and you two are already starting. Go." He exclaimed. Mr Glass almost hated me as much as he hated Ross. I've had him for the last two years and I'll admit, we weren't the best students but I had been on my best behavior since we returned from Christmas break. And of course, I was still tied to Ross's actions. Maybe it was a good thing we weren't friends. At this point, I was raging. Ross knew that as he chuckled in my face, he got what he wanted. I shoved my way past him, my chest rising with air and pushing it out just as fast. I exited the classroom and trudged down the hall when I heard Ross's heavy feet chasing after me.

    "Ahh!" He exclaimed, his arm swinging in the air and wrapping around my shoulder. "I fucking knew that would work. Bro, you should have just hit me." I slowed my walking down as I stared up at him, shoving his arm off of me. He stared at me, confused himself now.

    "Knew what would fucking work? That you got me kicked out of class for fucking nothing?" I shook my head. "I should fucking hit you now." I declare, but I turned my body and continued walking down the hallway.

    "Oh bro, calm down. I brought us a little something, maybe that'll calm your nerves." Again, I stopped walking, staring at him with a crazed look.

    "You got us kicked out of class just to go smoke?" I stare at him, he flashed me his familiar crossbody bag that reeked of weed. My mouth watered and it took everything not to snatch the bag out of his hands and run. That would calm me down right about now, but I pushed the urge away and shook my head at him. "The fucks wrong with you?" Even after I lashed on him, busted up his face, he acted like we were still the best of friends. Fuck that.

    "You know we both need it, man." He said casually, taking a step closer to me. "Might help with that." He pointed at the bruising on my face. "But damn, Charlie, you fucking surprised me. Didn't know you hit like a bitch." He said laughing.     "I can't fucking stand to be around you anymore, dude, fucking go away." I took off walking again, but he followed, grabbing my shoulder.

    "Really? You're going to kick my ass then be mad at me?"

    "Yeah, I am, cause you're a fucking prick."

    "Because of that fucking whore, bro?" My faced scowled.

    "Stop calling her that." My voice was low, and I felt my eyes fading in and out as the anger boiled on. "You want to go around acting all tough, like you're some fucking God, in everyone's life all the time. You don't have any place to talk about anything I put my attention to. You're a fucking jealous lowlife." He scoffed at me.
    "Bro, I don't know what's gotten into you lately but you fucking suck." He stated coldly, the same thing my parents say. I wanted to so badly tell him that maybe if he was a friend, maybe if he allowed me that space to open up about the things in my head, maybe I wouldn't suck so bad. But, I didn't. I didn't want to be sentimental with him. This wasn't time to make up with him. I wanted him out of my face. He was making me angrier than I was at the party.

    "And you're worthless just like your entire family." I stated. I knew it was wrong, but I still said it. He stared at me, glaring and shaking her head.
    "Fuck you." This time he shoved his shoulder into me as he walked past. Stomping his way down the hallway and out the side entrance of the school. I felt myself breathing deeply, screaming internally, but tried to calm myself down. I felt my hands pull at my hair before I too, walked out the same entrance.

    I didnt follow him, more to get fresh air. He was walking towards the parking lot where his car sat, and I found myself leaning against the cold brick wall of the building. My hands found my knees as I hunched over as I slowed my breathing, or at least tried. My head was back to feeling foggy again, my body was tense like it was the last few days. I pulled out my phone and texted my mom asking her to please come get me. She didn't even argue, just told me she was coming. I walked myself to the office, this feeling in my stomach caused it to feel funny as I sat next to the principal. Mr. Hanes stared at me asking me what had happened between Ross and I. I wasnt in the position to answer, just shrugging my shoulders and looking at the floor.

    "Where is Ross now, do you know?" I look out the glass and saw my mom entering the office panicked, catching my eye as the receptionist prompted her to have a seat and wait. I look back at Mr Hanes, shrugging my tensed shoulders once again.

     "Can I please just leave?" He hesitated a moment, before signaling my mom. He sighed.

    "Charlie, please stop by tomorrow morning, would ya? But for now, yes you may leave." My mom opened the door frantically, staring down at me and watching as I stood up. She looked at me with worried eyes before placing her hand on my shoulder as I exited the office and walked to leave the entire building. I was so ready to come back to school, just to see Mya, but I of course let my emotions ruin everything like always. I pushed Mya away right now as my mom trotted after me, speed walking to her car. I climb in and slam the door, but the anger never subsided.

    "Charles." My mom called to me as she got in, closing the door behind me. My breathing quickened hearing her call me that. I keep my eyes trained on the dashboard feeling my fists clench, my body trembling. My brain flashed to visions of my fist colliding to the dashboard, repeatedly. And soon it was real as I wailed in anger. My mom sat panicked, watching as I raged, leaving fist sized dents in the dash of her car. My hand starts to slow down, and my anger was flooded away with tears. My body shook violently against the leather seats and I rested my final hit against the dash and put my head down on top of my throbbing hand. I felt my mom's hand on my back and without thinking I felt myself sink into my mother's touch. My head fell onto her shoulder as I cried.

    "I'm sorry." I exclaim through tears. I've never shown this kind of emotion to my mom. Not even when Davin died. I held it in. But right now, it wasnt wanting to stay hidden. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucked up."

    "You're not fucked up Charlie." My mom says softly. "I just need you to talk to me. I can't find out what to do to help if you don't let me in." I felt myself calming. I felt like a little kid again. I felt like maybe thats all I needed, was the attention from my mom. But it was my fault I didnt get it. I pushed her away all the time, for no reason, when all she ever wanted was what was best for me, ever. I continued laying across the middle console, just to feel the comfort of my moms shoulder against my temple. Her arm wrapped around me and she kissed my head. I sigh. "Now, please, talk to me about what's going on."

    I pull myself away from her and looked at her, nodding my head. "Do you want some breakfast?"

    She pulled the car into the parking lot of a small cafe, one we used to go to as kids, baby Dee, Fisch and I. This was way before we had Reese was around, after him my parents kind of stopped our special things. Their hands were officially full. Walking inside, I felt young again. I followed my mom to the far back booth and sat down across from her, hiding my face behind the menu and giving the waiter my drink order. I could feel mom's eyes on me as I glanced at the menu, trying to distract myself. "Charlie, what's wrong?" She asked.

    I always hated that question. It was so simple but the answer to the question, was not. "I don't know." I stated dryly.

    "Okay, see, I need you to open up to me."

    "It's hard." I say, my face still shielded by the diner menu, my eyes scanned the items before settling on a choice, and setting it back down on the table. I look at her, her eyes soft and her graying blonde hair waved across her shoulders. My dark hair contrasted hers, but I did get her hazel eyes apart from my dad's solid black ones. I was the only one who got them like my mom, but Dee and Fischer got the blonde hair. She sighed.

    "Okay, well let's start with what's making you upset today? What happened at school?"

    This time, I sigh. "It's just suffocating. Ross. Mya. School. Pleasing everyone all the time." I shake my head and scuff the toe of my shoe into the ground. "I just feel empty. And I'm tired of feeling this way."

    "What happened with Ross?" Her eyes never left me but mine looked at the water the waiter sat on the table for mom.

    "We just got into a fight."

    "About?" She pushed.

    "Mya." I started. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldnt form the words right. I sighed again, looking up at her. "Does life ever feel, not heavy?"

    She pursed her lips, switching them side to side in thought. She took in a big breath and leaned back in the booth. "No. I mean, every part of life feels heavy. I feel heavy now." She said. "I have a son who's getting deployed, I have a son who despises me, I have Reese who's growing faster than I can handle, Dee's attitude is off the chain, your dad is stressing me out and the bills pile up each day waiting to be paid." She sat quietly for a second, her hands fiddled with her glass of water before she took a long, slow sip.

    "How do you deal with it?" I found myself asking.

    "At some point, Charlie, you got to realize that life isn't easy, and the ones that make it look easy, are good at telling lies. You got a family. You got friends. You have teachers who support you. You need to realize that, sometimes, your problems aren't as big as you feel they are. Right now, you think your problems are consuming you." I nodded quickly. "But, in the next week or two these problems will be gone and you'll have new problems. You are choosing to keep these problems all bundled up inside, causing them to build up and pile bigger than you can handle. You need to focus on fixing the problems now, not later. Fix them as they arise."

    I could tell she was trying her hardest to help, with how vague I was being.

    "How do I fix the problem with Ross?"

    She shrugged. "First off, do you feel it's a problem worth fixing?" I shrug my shoulders and glance at her. Her arms were crossed against her chest. "If it is, then talk to him. Apologize even when you didn't feel you were wrong. But just because you try to fix it, doesn't mean he does. So you'll have to accept the loss."

    "What if I don't want to fix it?"

    "Then you need to find a way to be comfortable without him. Make new friends, regrow old ones. You still have Benny?" I nod my head. Benny and I have never been as close as Ross and I. He was more of Ross's friend anyway, but we hung out sometimes, usually with Ross present. "Did you guys fight over Mya?" She suddenly asked. The mention of her name, which did result in the fight, made my veins freeze. My body felt cold but I tried my best to ignore it. I nod again.

    "He's just a jealous asshole." I state.

    "Maybe it's because he doesn't want to lose you." She questioned. "I mean, you can't expect you're the only person on the planet that struggles with expressing their emotions, correctly?" I mean honestly, I did. Crazy of me, yes, but I truly felt I struggled with something nobody else did, but she's right. It's selfish of me to think that way. "Maybe he felt Mya was going to take you away from him."

    "Well it's not like he had much to offer for me anyways." I said.

    "Does Mya?" She asked. Even after my resolution this morning, finding my answer, I hesitated answering her question.

    "I don't know." The waiter walked up abruptly and took our order. I was hoping mom would move past this topic but she pushed on.

    "Do you like her?"

    "I don't know." I said again but I saw the way she looked at me, and she was not buying it. "I do. A lot. And I don't know how or why, my brain is all messed up when it comes to her."

    "Why's that?" God, she just keeps asking. I was hoping she would just give me the solutions and we could eat in peace.

    "I just—" I paused. It felt awkward to admit out loud. I was comfortable, confiding to myself in my own head, but out loud? To my mom? Was another story. "I just never felt this way about someone before mom. I can't do anything without thinking about her. I worry about her. I think about her in ways you wouldn't imagine." I pause and look up at her. "Like, marrying her mom. I think about marrying her. And waking up next to her. Holding her hand. I've never felt that before."

    "Why are you scared of that?" Usually my mom was giddy, she would be gushing over what I just said. But she held her composure, trying to act sophisticated and listened well.

    "Because what if she disappears? What if she dies? Or ghosts me? What's that going to feel like?"

    "I mean it will hurt." She said honestly. "It will feel like a bandaid being ripped off a fresh wound, but-" She reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "You are too worried about later. Don't let your negative thoughts ruin something that could be positive, all the way to the end. You're just like your dad with that. You stress about the what if's and not seeing that you're letting a good opportunity slip from your fingertips." She smiled at me and I couldnt help but smile back. She was right.

    "I'm also just stressed because I keep fucking up. I'm stressed about school, about graduating about what I truly want to do." I shook my head, my smile was faded. "Fischer knew exactly what he wanted to do-"

    "And then he realized, it was not what he wanted, right?" I nodded slowly. "Everything takes trial and error, not everything can go right the first time, Charl." I nod again. "I mean, I went to school to be a dental hygienist. Now I bake?" She laughed, more to herself than to me. Our food arrived but I hesitated diving in. I was soaking up the time with my mom, listening to her speak, letting her listen to me.

    My mom took a bite of the pancakes making a sour face, scrunching her nose. "See, if I hadn't become a baker, I would think these pancakes were delicious." She took another bite, her fork sliding across her teeth and making my own mouth hurt. "These are shit. They used too much flour, and they are flat." She shook her head with a smile. She offered me a bite and I accepted it, taking the fork in my mouth and pulling the pancake off. I chewed on it a little and she watched me.
    "Yeah." I swallowed. "Yours are way better."

    We didnt go home right away. Mom figured since we were out, we might as well run her errands. I didn't mind though, I wasnt laying in bed alone. I wasnt at school. She was honestly helping bring my mood up a lot. I sat in the passenger seat eyeing the dash where only a few hours prior, my fists slammed. The small dents were noticeable but mom told me not to say a word to dad, but I never planned on it. It was now almost noon as we pulled into the driveway, helping mom unload the groceries and even put them away. I knew she thought any second I would find solitude in my room, and I longed for that, but I knew thats not what I needed. I grabbed my school laptop out of my bag and sat at the kitchen island, beginning to work on homework.

    Mom asked if she could turn on music while she baked for a customer, I nodded a little reluctantly when a familiar song came on. My eyes couldn't focus on the computer screen as the words played in my head. An image, a memory, popped in my head of Mya. Singing this same song not more than 3 nights ago. The tune at the time was annoying but now filled my head with warm spring air. I sighed. I was avoiding her again. Not intentionally but more to get a clear head before I said something to her I regretted. I tried focusing on my homework again but couldn't, Mya still fresh on my mind.

    I sighed and got up, excusing myself out of the kitchen and dialing Mya's number. It went to her voicemail but I was eager to hear her voice. I dialed again before she finally answered.

    "What Charlie?" Her voice didn't sound excited to see my name pop up on my phone.

    "Mya." I said softly. "Hi." She didn't say anything to this so I continued. "What are you doing?"

    "Oh you know, being ignored by you and comes to find out you're ditching school with Ross? Now you're calling me asking me what I am doing?" I shook my head against my phone.

    "I'm not ditching with Ross, I had my mom come get me."

    "Is everything okay?" She asked, her tone changed to worry.

    "I am now, now that I am talking with you." I could almost feel her smile beaming through the phone. I didn't want her upset with me, and this wasn't a way to suck up to her, it was just my true honest feelings. "If you're not doing anything, would you wanna come over tonight after you get out of school?"

    "I would, but I gotta watch Sydney." My face dropped slightly before her voice rang out again. "But, maybe you could come to my house?" My heart gleamed.

    "I'd like that."