It was now Sunday, and yet again I laid in my bed staring off into space. Mya left late last night, leaving me alone, except my thoughts that bounced around my head. I allowed dad to to reset my nose, as I couldnt take breathing out of my mouth. The bruising was still very visible but not as painful as yesterday. Mom had me taking tons of advil and Tylenol to hopefully dial down the pain. I kept myself shut in my room, surprised that nobody had talked to me about my punishment. But I think they came to the realization that I would never take the punishments serious. The groundings didn't matter to me anymore, as I will keep climbing out the same window, making the same drunken mistakes. I think they accepted the fact that I sometimes just needed a mental relapse, to focus even if its only for a couple weeks.

The house was rather quiet today, but I didn't worry about why. My room was full of sunlight and I was too lazy to get up to close the curtains. My entire body was sore for some reason, and it's probably cause I haven't moved from my bed in over 24 hours. I didnt even have enough energy to text Mya back and I know she was the one who called me all morning, but I let them ring out. I wanted nothing more than to talk to her, nothing more than to see her walk back into my bedroom. But, right now I had no motivation, nothing to offer her, as I sat in pain. Sat in my head.

As the day moved on, I felt my head cloud up more. There was not a single thought my mind focused on really, maybe it was everything all at once. In just two weeks, Fischer would be leaving soon. I didn't have Ross anymore. Mya was constantly clouding my brain, but right now I didn't think much about her. When I did, my stomach tied itself in knots. It wasn't the usual feeling where I felt crazy, like my heart was melting a hole through my chest. It was making me nervous more than anything.

Nervous because I allowed her into me. And at first, it felt fine. It felt more than fine, but something in my heart told me to continue on with my life and to leave her behind. My mind had too much going on as it was, and she made it hard to think. She made it hard for me to breathe. She came into my life a week ago and I was already lusting after her like a stray dog. Something about her terrified me, made me feel she had so much control over every little thing I did. If she told me to jump, I would be face first in the river right now. And I think that's why I loved the feeling so much. It was spontaneous and almost reckless, which were two of my favorite feelings. Maybe the feeling should terrify me, because she could lead me to be successful. She could help me find the success I am looking for in life, or maybe she will fog me out, and cause me to lose focus.

I stressed too much about my future, because I didn't think I would make it as far as I did, to be honest. The thought of graduating was enough to widen my eyes as it was only a year away. I thought, my horrible past decisions would have killed me by now. But somehow I am still pushing on, with no sense of direction on where I am going. What I am doing, or what I am going to do. How am I suppose to know what I am going to do in 3 years, when tomorrow is just as much of a mystery to me as today. In five minutes, I could be dead, or maybe in 5 decades, who knows. Thinking about that made my stomach knot on its own, because, no I don't want to die. I want to be great, I want to succeed and accomplish the many things life has to offer. But what? Is what I am unsure of.

I tossed and turned all night, my eyes never closing as the wind blew heavily against my window. I just listened though, too lazy to grab my headphones to at least play tunes instead of listening to the roaring storm that was coming overhead out beyond my bedroom walls. I knew Mya was missing me, or at least I had hoped. I knew I missed her too bad for a girl I didn't even know existed a week ago. I guess, I just never took the time to get to know someone, to feel the same lust for them that I do here. I always kept myself away from relationships, telling myself they were too much time and too much effort. That was what Ross and Fischer preached to me, but I saw they both went through relationships, plenty of relationships. And here I am, freshly 17 years old, with only one girlfriend under my belt, at the pure age of 14. At the time though, I didn't think I needed to be pure, as I only dated her to lose my virginity because Ross egged me to do so. Ross has always been the lady's man of the group, while Benny and I stuck back and took what life had to offer us. So what was so wrong with taking this offer with Mya? I still thought about how I was her first kiss, so would that mean I could be her first everything? I wanted to be.

It was selfish of me to think for a second that I had to be her first time, when she was not mine. Granted, I said I never had a real relationship, but that didnt mean I didn't mess around in other ways. I corrupted my young mind with pornography, thinking it was not good to be tied down to one person. Ross also backed that statement up throughout the years with his actions. Him and Mikayla always had been going off and on, never a true relationship but I could tell he felt different about her than the girls he messed with when they weren't on talking terms. I don't know why I looked at Ross with such admiration, thinking I too wanted to be the modern day fuck boy at our school. But, I'm glad nobody really perceived me that way, even when the eyes of the girls I had been with met mine every day. They knew. But they never said a word.

Remember the girl I sit next to in first hour, Breanna? Yeah she's one of those girls. And I could sit here and talk about the list I have built of one night stands, fuck and go's or whatever slang you wanna use to describe the chaos that eats away at me. But even to this day, I could never look one of those girls in the eyes and want to pursue what I wanted to pursue with Mya. I didn't get that grimy feeling I felt towards them, where I just felt horny and once the feeling was gone, my eyes never glanced their ways again. I feel the sensations sometimes about Mya, where I picture those thoughts in my head but never plan on acting on them. They simply just stay in my head. And they were better, way better.

With Mya I dream of holding her hand, and not just to help navigate our way through a party.  I dreamed of kissing her forehead every morning we woke up together. Watching her fall asleep on my chest every night and hugging me every single time we had to part ways. I couldn't tell you why everything about her was so different, and I think thats why I try to avoid thinking about her sometimes in general. But everything reminds me of her. The scent of vanilla that always caressed her dark complexion was enough to make my mouth water, and living in a house with a baker, well you see the problem? Even just the simplest things like Girl In Red, which has now been added to my playlist, will soon remind me of the party we went to together, watching her dance and laugh, singing along to the words. Even drunk, she was perfect.

No matter how hard I pushed these thoughts away, my mind raced back through the files in my head, searching for her scent. Her touch. Her warm presence. Her smile, that fucking smile man. I could picture it in my head. Seeing her button nose with a small diamond stud sitting against it. I've always been the hard ass to overlook a women's personality and stare at their appearance, their body, their face. But with Mya, it was so much more than that. If I was blind, I would still pick her out of a crowd, because the beauty I see from her is in the way she spoke. Her little southern twang to her words was almost just music to my ears, so frequent that it didn't sound abnormal coming from our town in South Carolina. Her piercings, which I have always said bothered me on a woman, just suited her so much. And I wouldn't mind if she got 10 more.

I couldn't keep doing this to myself though. The confusion of why I felt this way and how I should act about it was enough to drive me off a cliff. But, I knew if I felt this way, it must be a good thing, right? I didn't want to run away but I also didn't want to get too caught up in herself that I lost myself. But I knew that finding me, would always have her by my side and I think that was the saving grace to the chaos in my head. The answer I had been looking for. If I see her in my future, if I longed for her to be there with me through it all, it must mean that pursuing her, entwining our lives, was not a bad thing?

I didnt think it was possible to ramble while you conversed in your own head. I felt relief fill my body, for the first time in a while, my entire presence on this earth had meaning. And I knew, no matter what happened, where I went, my purpose was to make Mya happy. To love Mya fully, to experience something new with her. And maybe thats all my future could mean. Maybe this is what I needed. I was searching in the wrong places, searching for a career passion, a degree. Am I stupid for thinking my problems have been solved for right now? Maybe thats all it was, was looking for a solution, for right now. Finding that purpose to my life, in this moment.

Regardless if I was right, or if my brain was trying to trick me, my mind cleared. The negative thoughts were locked away in the safe, and I felt fine. For the first time in a while, I felt content enough to smile. To show people, what my passion truly is. And it was just love.

I rolled over quickly and grabbed my phone to text Mya, but my eyes trained on the time. It was 530 in the morning somehow, and I sighed. Another sleepless night. Regardless if I was tired, I felt good knowing my day could be somewhat peaceful, but I already regretted the thought of going to school. I knew I'd see Ross and I didn't know how awful that would go. I didn't reach out to him to apologize, but neither did he. I hit first, granted, but maybe if he wasnt being a drunk asshole, the whole thing could have been avoided. But I found myself smiling soon. Now, he could watch me be with Mya, through all his jealousy.

I opened Mya's text, seeing she had texted me several times asking if I was alive, or if I was upset with her. At around midnight, she texted me goodnight and hoped she sees me at school. I smiled but also felt ridiculously bad. I didn't mean to avoid her, but I needed the day to think. I spent the last two nights with her, and although I wouldn't change it for the world, I hadn't been able to truly think everything through.

I texted back a heart to her, telling her I was just miserable and slept all day but assured her worries that I was not mad at her and I would see her in a few hours. Of course it was a lie, but I didn't think it was the time to tell her my resolution to all the problems in my head right now. Especially while she slept.

Time passed slowly and before you knew it, I was getting up to get ready for work. My hair was still matted with blood as I never left my bed after dad dropped me there. Mya had cleaned up the dried blood on my face, but didn't scrub hard enough as the bruises that bled through my skin were still there. I sigh as I stare into the bathroom mirror, regret feeling my body. My mouth dried recalling the encounter. The look on Mya's face pierced my thoughts. I knew she pretended it was all good, but I knew she thought of me differently, even if it was just a slight difference. Maybe she feared me and she didn't want to be with such an aggressive person, but I pushed that thought away as I hopped in the shower. The blood wetted out of my hair, falling down in red traces on my body before draining. I washed my hair twice to ensure the smell of sweat and iron had vanished before finishing up and hopping out. I dried my hair with my towel when my phone dinged.

I bet you are tired. I'll see you at 730? Mya's name on my phone, to this day, made me feel lightheaded, like Cupid just shot me in the neck with an arrow. I smile to myself and reply quickly before getting dressed and placing a beanie on my damp hair. I rushed downstairs where my mother sat in living room, doing Dee's hair.
"You're going to school?" She pushed, looking up at me as I walked to the windows, peering out and waiting to see Mya's black car.

I shrug. Usually after weekends like this, I hide in my room and beg my parents to keep me out of school. "Well, can't get A's if I'm at home." I turned and smiled at her. Probably the first smile I have given her in so long. She smiled back widely.

"Are you feeling better?" She asked. I nod my head, looking back out the window.

"I feel a lot better, thank you. I love you." Mya's car had pulled up, and I waved a goodbye to mom, gave Reese a pat on the head as he put his shoes on and raced out the door.