Lunch came and I waited rather impatiently. I watched the doorways, waiting to see Mya walk through the door, her face glowing with her bright smile. My eyes fluttered around before they landed on her dark curls, bouncing against her shoulders as she walked. I smiled softly, enough to not let Ross or Benny see it. I looked down at my tray, but felt my eyes lingering back up towards her. She looked up at Miles, another guy in our class, as he said something that seemed to make her laugh. I watched her head tilt back, her smiling brightly. They parted ways as he went to his own lunch table, watching Mya's back as she walked over to us. His eyes met mine, smiling back at me as my face showed no emotion anymore. Mya reached the table, greeting Ross and Benny as she sat down next to me. "Hi, you." She said, smiling at me with the same smile she gave Miles.

    My mind fought off the dark thoughts I had in my head. She liked me, right? I thought it was crystal clear the interest she had in me. I didn't say anything back to her though, not that I would be confrontational with her. She got on her phone and scrolled as she opened her lunch box. She held out a string cheese. "You want one." I shook my head no, still no words coming to my head. I didn't look at her either, continuing to stare down at my own tray, my appetite dissipating as I watched the oils spin in the chicken soup. I found myself quiet for a while, stuck in my head. The rows of memories my mind seems to play when I find myself stuck in one moment of time, bringing me to a happy medium where I can function again. It was happening now. I saw myself in freshman year, two years ago. Fischer and I playing catch in the front yard.

"Let me be honest with you, Charlie." Fischer's voice called out in my head, faint, but it felt like I was in this moment, right now. The heat of the sun made my arms burn from memory. "Girls, suck."

I heard myself laugh, catching the ball and twirling it around in my glove. "Why's that?"

"They never know what they fucking want." He chuckled, he threw his hand up waiting for me to toss the ball back but I hesitated. The thoughts I felt, two years ago swarmed my head. I always saw myself being in a relationship with a girl, who was driven and knew what she wanted exactly at all times. She was confident and independent, powerful. I shook my head, finally releasing the ball from my hand and throwing it back towards him.

"Maybe you're just picking the wrong ones."

"Charlie!" I heard, but this time it was outside of my head. My mind went black, like a tv screen powering off, and my eyes trained on Ross in front of me. I turned to my left finding Mya staring at me, concerned. "What's going on?"

I shook my head again, and shrugged. "Nothing." I said softly.

This time she shook her head. "No, I can tell when something's bothering you."

"How?" I questioned but before she could answer I shot back harshly, "We barely know each other." She stared at me intently, her eyes softened partly before looking away.

"Geez, I'm sorry." She said. She got up from her spot, tossing down a piece of paper with handwriting scribbled on it. "Whenever you find time to you know, know me." She tested, walking away from the table and towards the table with Miles, where he opened up a spot next to him to sit down. My mind was battling with my heart, which was not a known feeling to me. My head always won, over every feeling in my body. But my heart longed to get her attention back, to apologize for being nasty. But my mind was already storing a file with Mya's name written all over it. My hand reached up to the paper she had dropped moments ago, training my eyes to read her soft handwriting. It was four questions she had wanted to ask me, carrying on our conversation from this morning that seemed forever ago now, lost in time. I shook my head to my self before Ross spoke up.

"Doesn't it just make you mad, that she chose Miles Redifer over you?" He chuckled, his words coming out more like a sharp knife then a soft gesture. I look at him with anger, steam coming off my body. He's never had a sympathetic bone in his body, he's never been a friend in times similar to this. Not that I was yearning for a friend to cry on, but also not a dick with a big mouth either.

I stood up quickly, my chair making a skid sound across the tile. I felt Mya's eyes graze over me but I didn't look her way. I grabbed my tray and walked towards the trash, dumping it and walking down the hall. I had no certain path I was heading, but my feet continued walking in the direction of Ms. Engelby.

Walking in her class, I found her at her desk eating her own lunch in silence. It was quite sad, as all the other teachers joined in the teachers lounge, except her. I knock lightly on the door, offering a smile once she looked my direction. "Charlie, hi friend." She stated, her positive vibes radiated in her classroom, and as I stepped in my mind felt somewhat as ease. I closed the door behind me, looking at her with a look that screamed help, but help with what? "Is everything okay?" She soon asked, scooting her lunch to the side, and focusing on me fully. I nodded even when I wanted to shrug and let the tears fall.

"I'm just having a hard time, with what, I don't know, ma'am." I sighed, sitting down in the chair next to her desk. "I feel suffocated but I don't know by what."

"Well," She started, finishing the food in her mouth before continuing. "Is there anything big that's changing in your life here recently? Something that made you feel different?" I nodded hesitantly. "Wanna talk about it?"

The problem was, my life hadn't been changed. I was growing up was the issue. My problems are small but to me feel like they weigh a ton. I never have been good at handling my emotions, I never felt it was easy to communicate how I felt about anything. I shoved everything in my head, and moved on.

"My best friend in middle school killed himself for starters." I stated abruptly, not once have I mentioned this to anyone since it happened. "And like, the only reason I bring that up is because ever since he passed, I have tried going out of my way to find the negative in everything that's around me. I find myself living up in instead of out here. I can't figure out what is so thrilling to life to make people want to stick around, I mean, I am guessing you always wanted to be a teacher?" She looked at me, pondering, taking in my word vomit slowly.

"Yes and no. I mean, I never thought about being a teacher. I always dreamed of writing, publishing books that I enjoyed writing and having a crowd of fans thrilled to read them. But, those dreams are not reachable for me at least not right now. I had a family, had bills to pay. So I made a pros and cons list of different jobs I would enjoy, and teacher just came out on top." She fiddled with her hands, thinking more. "And Charlie, you're 17, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing your exact plans after you graduated and you still have a year until then, more time to experience what you want to do, what helps fulfill your life. It's a very common concern to feel overwhelmed at this age, when everyone else has it all figured out, and you feel stuck."

She paused, looking at me for something to say. But right now, I had nothing. I was shocked at how far she was reading my mind, saying the words I wanted to say but couldn't. I smile softly in response.

"And Charlie, I am sorry about what happened to Davin." She said. "I know him being your best friend as well as your cousin, was an awful loss. And I am sure you miss him everyday. But Davin, he wouldn't want you seeking the negative when you have a lot of positives around  you. You got good friends, a wonderful family, you're smart, you're extremely talented but you need to stay driven, Charlie. You have too much potential to let yourself slip now. Do you talk to anyone about this? Ross, your girlfriend-"

"I don't have a girlfriend, Ms." I cut back, looking down at my shoes that bounced on the floor. "I don't have time to focus on one when I can barely focus on my own self."

She nodded her head in response. "What about Ross then, or Benny? You guys seem very close."

"They don't care to listen and I don't care to tell them."

"What about your brother, Fischer?" I shook my head. "I don't mean to sound like I am not here to help you Charlie, I am, and I will be, but sometimes its great to have a close friend to talk to, someone who knows you outside of just teaching you literature."

"Fischer wont be around much longer, so I don't wanna start telling him things. He's deploying soon."

"And I am sure that's hard for you, and you are worried. And that's understandable." She paused again, switching her lips in thought. "Would you be open to seeing the counselor?" I shook my head. No way. There are people who need a counselor and then there's people like me who just struggle with self recognition, and will be fine with a slap on the wrist.

"No I think the conversation with you was enough. Thank you." I stood up to leave when she grabbed my hand, holding hers on top of it.

"Charlie, wait." She said. She stared up at me before standing as well, but as I towered over her, her eyes still arched up to see mine. "You're a wonderful student, and I am glad you came to me for help and advice. Please, if you need to, we can meet again on lunch, whenever." She smiled at me kindly and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Thank you." I said before exiting her classroom, trying to find something else to tie up my last 15 minutes of lunch before 6th period.

I sat at my desk, staring at the questions Mya had given me. She didn't talk to me all of 6th period, keeping her eyes away from me as well as her smile. But, I also didn't say anything to her, or anybody else for that matter. I wasn't even thinking about the rude comment I made towards her today that she seemed so upset about. I didn't think about much else. My last few classes seemed to fly by and I recall what I learned or what notes I took, or I suppose the ones I was supposed to be taken. I walked home after school, even though I saw Mya waiting by her car watching me as I trudged along the paved sidewalk away from the school. She climbed in her car and passed me, and I watched her car drive off in the distance.

I ignored everyone as I walked into the house, dad was off work surprisingly early, sitting on the couch with Dee and Reese, cuddling and watching a movie. I sighed, remembering the days I felt whole again with my dad's attention. But, I was grown now. I heard my mom calling out to me, but I pushed past it, walking upstairs to my room where I now sat staring. My finger traced the rough edge of the paper she so viciously ripped out of her notebook. I answered them in my head, formulating the perfect response that I wanted to give her sometime soon. I was upset at her yes, and somehow I felt mislead by her. But maybe, what I saw with Miles and her was nothing serious? Maybe it was just my head trying to find the negatives in a positive thing. My hands grabbed my phone without a second thought, pulling up her messages and began typing.

What makes me happy, is a tough question to ask. I could sit here and be sappy with you, telling you nothing makes me happy, but I feel like shit for how I talked to you earlier. It's not me, and it's not who I am. I like to hold myself to a high standard of respect and I feel I did good, respecting you in anyway I could before today. And I am sorry. But, we don't know each other, and I think what is making me happy today and has been for the last two days now is your interest in actually getting to know me, something I have tried pushing away for years, allowing someone to get to know me, besides Ross.

What makes me sad, to the point I am crying? Probably, not having a clue what I wanna do in life. Not having a clue why anything around us exists makes me cry out of frustration not sadness too lol.

What do I wanna be when I grow up? That's a tough one. Because I simply don't know. I just know I wanna be happy, and content, doing whatever I love in that time.

And what do I think about? I knew you would bring this question back up, and I thought about it all morning before lunch, because I think a lot. There's not many days where I think about the same thing constantly. But as I lay here now, I am thinking about how I loved talking to you last night. And being awkward in your car on the way to school. So I hope I answered your questions right, and it was all you ever wished for.

It took a few minutes before I saw the delivered changed to read, and a few more minutes for her to read it and began typing. But then the typing stopped. I sat waiting and waiting for the three bubbles to pop back up, before a call came through. I answered it, hearing the FaceTime ding, and seeing her face pop up. "Wow, you actually answered a FaceTime call? Surprise." I chuckled, holding my phone at an angle where only my forehead and eyes were visible but I could see all of her.

"I felt like surprising you today."

"I know, full answers. No "I don't knows", I am assuming it was because it was texted to me and not said directly to me." She moved her hair that had fallen in her face, staring at me with the bright smile of hers. She seemed to be sitting in her bedroom, a dull yellow light glowed behind her paired with fairy lights that curtained down the wall above her bed. She had some music posters plastered on her wall that I caught myself staring at and she noticed. "Oh, that's just some posters that came with these vinyls I got for Christmas." She flashed the camera in that direction, allowing me to fully see them. I nodded.

"You listen to vinyl?" I found myself asking. My mind was working better than normal, probably just to make up for this morning. She nodded her head.

"Yeah, not like a record head or anything, mostly for aesthetic like everyone else today." She chuckled at her own words. "Are you counting that as your question, cause if so you have two more."

"Uh did you want me to ask questions?" She nodded her head again, vigorously. "Oh, I didn't come prepared."

"That's okay, just make them good." She relaxed on her bed, holding her phone above her head and looking at her appearance on her own screen. She messed with her eyebrows and her hair, making sure she looked presentable, but she looked more than that. I watched her intently, looking over her features as I could actually somewhat get away with it without being caught. I mean it was FaceTime after all. But I was lost, staring at her too long, so I looked around my room trying to find something to ask.

"Uh, okay, what kind of music do you like then?" She thought a moment.

"I am really into alternative music lately." She said? "Like I am in love with the Girl in Red."

"Never listened to it." I said instantly, "You'll have to show me sometime."

"I will play it for you tomorrow morning?"

"Is that an invitation for a ride to school? For free?" She sighed.

"Well, tomorrow I expect you to bring me my own pop tarts cause you brought some today and didn't even eat them and that was heartbreaking enough for me." She said with a smile, I nodded my head. "One more question from you."

"Uh, what makes you happy?" I mocked her own question because I was too focused on watching her through my phone to think of my own.

"Copycat." She said with a furrowed brow but she moved on answering. "Uh, my family for starters. I don't think I could ever live this life without them. My little sister, is my favorite person. Uh school actually makes me happy, because I get to meet new people. You. You make me happy."

"How do I make you happy?"

"Eh," She mocked, sounding like the buzzer at the halftime game, "It's my turn for questions."