It was hard concentrating on anything other than the conversation Yug and I had had an hour ago. If Vahni had noticed how distracted I was she didn't comment. She was straightening her hair in the mirror as I slipped on my pumps. They were the same be ones I had worn when I had first dived headfirst into the world of Red Wagon. 

My thoughts raced back to the Fresher's party, the competition, Siddharth's apology, the after-party, the drunken kiss...

It seemed like a lifetime ago. I couldn't even imagine what college would have been like if I hadn't met these people. Certainly a lot less dramatic but a lot less fun. Did I regret anything that had happened so far? This whole thing that I had with Angad. I knew that I had made my decision but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of longing for what could have been. 

We had such an unorthodox beginning that everything had to go downhill after that. Even if we did not it's not like I would have jumped at the chance to move forward. Or would I have?

I shook my head and stood up. I was going to drive myself crazy with all the fucking 'What Ifs'. 

The conversation with Yug had only added to this swirling mess. Siddharth? 

I couldn't even picture it. 

"What if he does like you? What if he thinks of you in that way?" said a voice in my head and I started talking to Vahni to drown it out. 

"So Vahni which shoes should I wear with this dress? The red pumps or the strappy ones?" 

"The red pumps definitely."

I nodded I had picked the right ones. 

"I am gonna do it." 

Vahni said suddenly. 

"What?" I asked grabbing my phone from the side table. 

"Make a move with Angad." 

The phone almost slipped out of my hands at her words. 

"You are?" I asked in a high pitched voice and then cleared my throat and added, "That is great."

"Right? He was so nice to me earlier today. You were right Meera. He is very nice. I can't even remember why I was so afraid." 

I was inching closer and closer to the door hoping Vahni was not noticing my departure. The Angad issue was complicated enough for me as is. Adding this to the equation was not helpful. 

"You are so right. I am gonna go and check on Sarah." 

Before she could reply I was out of the door. This was not something I had accounted for. Goa trips were supposed to be relaxing and calming and fun. 

"Meera," a voice called out. 

I saw Siddharth coming out of his room. 

"You look beautiful," he said coming up to join me. 

See, these were the kind of comments I would have accepted without a second thought but after what Yug had told me it made me colour a light shade of pink.

"Thank you," I smiled trying my hardest to sound natural. 

I looked around willing anyone else to come out and lighten the tension I felt but no one emerged. 

"How are you enjoying Goa so far? It's your first time right? Living up to your expectations?" he asked conversationally. 

"It has been fun." I nodded. 

By this point, I was praying for someone, anyone, to join us. I am sure Siddharth had noticed the odd behaviour on my part. Then a door opened and the only person who could make this any more awkward came out. 

Angad stopped short for a second and seemed a little surprised at seeing just the two of us outside.

"Where is everybody else?"

I shrugged and Siddharth didn't reply. He walked towards us and the three of us stood in silence. 

"Who is the designated driver today? Or are we taking cabs home?" I asked them. 

"I guess I could drive. I am not planning on getting wasted," Angad offered. 

"Well I thought I could just drive," Siddharth said. 

"Great so you're both on." I laughed quickly trying to avoid conflict and flashing back to all the times stupid stuff like this had escalated. 

Yug walked out of his room and I all but sighed with relief. He spotted us and winked at me. I rolled my eyes. 

"So Meera, you know who we should invite?" he said with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Who?" I asked somewhat warily because I had one idea where he was going with this.

"Your friend from the flight, Neel?" he said and then looked at Angad and Siddharth. 

"Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, Yug," I said and gave him an icy smile. 

"Aw, why not?" 

"He must be busy. Unlike us, he's here to work and not vacation." I said.

"I don't think he'd be working at night-" Yug insisted.

"You heard her man. She doesn't think it's a good idea." Siddharth said cutting Yug off suddenly. 

"Listen to her. She doesn't want to invite him," added Angad. 

"Wow, so you guys agree on something." Yug laughed and gave me a meaningful look that clearly said 'I told you so and I am right'.

Mercifully that was when Vahni decided to come out followed by Sarah and Matt. 

"What is the other couple doing? Someone ask them to hurry up," Yug said. 

"I will go and check," I volunteered and walked towards their room. 

I knocked and it was only after a few minutes that Shreyas opened the door only a crack. I took in his appearance which was rumpled to say the very least. 

"Aren't you guys dressed yet?" I asked looking around for Deepani. 

"Uh about that," he mumbled.

"Is that Meera?" called Deepani's voice from the background. 

Shreyas confirmed that it was me. 

"We won't be joining you guys," he said. 

"Why not?" 

"Uh Meera," Deepani's voice called again, "we are otherwise occupied. You guys go ahead."

Shreyas sighed and opened the door wider. I glanced in to see Deepani in bed under the covers and that was when the realization dawned on me. 

"I am so sorry," I mumbled mortified and backed away from the door slowly.

"That's okay! Have fun." Deepani yelled before Shreyas closed the door. 

I speed walked to where everybody else was, fighting the urge to fan myself like an outraged Victorian lady. 

"We should get going. Shreyas and Deepani will be spending some quality time together instead of accompanying us to the club," I informed them. 

"They could have told us earlier," Yug mumbled rolling his eyes. 

We made it to our rented vehicles after a general grumble died down. Angad got in the driver's seat of the car before anybody could protest. 

"So are we all stuffing ourselves in there or is someone else driving too?" Yug asked. 

"I am." Siddharth said and then looked at me, "Meera you wanna ride with me?" 

"Uh.. sure," I said before the pause could get too awkward. 

Yug got in the passenger seat but not before winking at me and throwing me another one of those 'I told you so' looks my way. Vahni, Sarah and Matt got in the back. 

Siddharth pulled out one of the scooties and patted the seat. So I was riding pillion with him I guess. If only I could unlearn whatever Yug had told me I would not give any of this a second thought. Ignorance truly is bliss. 

One very awkward ride later we were there. Music pumped in the salty air and I was excited about getting wasted in Goa and forgetting about the drama for a few hours. 

***

As is the rule with dressing up, you have to sacrifice comfort for fashion. My feet were absolutely killing me and my head was pounding. Cocktails taste good but if you aren't careful with them you could end up like me, drunk and hungover at the same time. It had been some hours since we had been dancing and partying at the club. 

It had been fun like an hour ago when I wasn't in this state. Right now I would kill to be snuggled in my hotel bed. Everyone was scattered around and I could only spot Angad a few feet away from me. I was keeping my distance because drunk Meera wasn't always the smartest person around him. 

But maybe it would be a good idea to test my limits again. Maybe I should go there. Yug was right! We were liberated adults in the 21st century. And probably for the umpteenth time, I stopped before I could walk his way. He was talking to a girl. 

With a jolt, I realized it was Vahni and she was leading him to the dance floor. I recalled her telling me she was going to make a move on Angad. It was too much for even me to watch them grind on each other and/or make out. 

I ordered another shot and downed it. Good for Vahni I guess. This is what I get for being an indecisive little shit. He wasn't going to wait around for me to move on from my fucked up relationship forever right? I was happy for them or whatever. If it made both my friends happy then I would be happy for them. 

I guess Yug was wrong about Angad being jealous. He clearly was into someone else now. This is what happens when the girl you supposedly like fucks up too many times in a row. 

Before I knew it my feet were taking me outside. The breeze outside was a welcome change from the stuffy air inside. I took off my pumps and sunk my toes into the warm sand, moaning a little at how good that felt. 

I willed myself to not drown in self-pity alone on a beach in Goa. I was on a vacation for fuck's sake. The possibilities were endless. If Angad could move on from our back and forth then so could I. If there was any place to be reckless then this was it. 

"I've been looking for you everywhere. Why are you all alone out here?" 

Siddharth's voice jolted me out of my reverie. 

I plastered on a smile,

"Nothing. Just getting some air."

He joined me as we walked farther away from the club. 

"Pretty awesome right? A club at the beach. Best of both worlds." he said. 

"I know right? You could get drunk and take a dip in the water." I giggled. 

"I don't think you should do that. The sea is not a good place to be when you are drunk."

"You are no fun!" I pouted. 

It was getting easier to talk to Siddharth now that Yug's garbage information had been proven wrong. If Angad wasn't into me then so wasn't Siddharth. 

"I think we should do it. Let's do it." I said. 

"Nope. I think you've had enough cocktails for today" he said steering me away from the water. 

My foot caught in something I would have almost planted face-first into the sand if it wasn't for Siddharth's arm around my waist. 

"Steady there," he chuckled.

"That last shot was not a good idea for sure," I mumbled trying not to get sick as the uncomfortable feeling travelled up my body. 

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned at my expression. 

"I just need to sit down."

"I will get you some water."

"No, it's fine."

Siddharth seemed torn. Maybe he thought water would be a good idea so I didn't end up throwing up but he relented and sat down next to me in the sand. I glanced at my shoes and turned to Siddharth with a huge grin.

"You know the last time I wore these shoes was when you asked me to come to your after-party on Fresher's." 

"Really?" he asked with a smile.

"Yeah. Why did you?" 

"Why did I what? Ask you to come to the party?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "You were a real jerk to me when I complimented you before that. We have never really talked about that have we?" 

Siddharth rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. 

"No, tell me!" I insisted, "were you so annoyed with all your fangirls? You jumped off the stage that day."

"You saw that huh?" he laughed. 

"Yes! I even told you. That was the reason I approached you. Guess you weren't really listening." 

"I feel like I haven't ever properly apologized to you for that huh?" 

"It's all good!" I reassured him cheerily. 

"No, it isn't. You are no stranger to the fights we have. That day was no different. Same issues over and over again. I was annoyed with Angad like always and I was really not in the mood to talk about my position as a bassist. I regretted snubbing you immediately after you left. I didn't know your name or anything so I couldn't exactly look for you."

Then he turned to me and his eyes bore deep into mine. 

"I am so glad I found you on the day of the Freshers. I was one of the many people left spellbound after your performance. Asking you to come to the after-party was the best decision I have made all year."

His tone was sincere and I was speechless. He went on. 

"I guess there's no better time than now so you should know that your presence has made this year the best one I've had at Maurya."

I stared at him with wide eyes full of shock. Siddharth clasped his hand around mine and his thumb stroked the back of my hand.

"Meera you are one of the most beautiful and talented women I have met in my life. It will come as no surprise to you but I--"

"Siddharth!" I interrupted him. My voice was hoarse and he looked startled.

"Please, if this is going where I think it is then let me tell you," I said my voice softer this time, "how much your friendship means to me."

He let go of my hand closed his eyes. 

"I am sorry that I can't return your feelings but that's what you have been to me, one of my best friends."

When he opened his eyes the sheer sadness of his expression broke my heart. I felt myself choking up a little. 

"You have no idea how much it hurts to admit but I didn't intend for this to happen," I said dabbing my eye. 

"Stop," he said softly, "You don't have to say anything else. I understand." 

He stood up and dusted his pants. 

"You should probably get back inside," was the last thing he said to me before walking away.