Tamah

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I woke up the next day when Kiya entered my room. Or I wasn't sure I woke up because I wasn't sure I had slept.

She gasped as she saw me and hurried over.

"Tamah! What has happened to you?" she exclaimed.

I vaguely registered and smiled over that she hadn't called me Lady Tamah, but simply said Tamah. That was a happy thing, a good thing, something worth thinking about.

I raised my hand to her face and placed it on her cheek. I did not register the bruising around my wrist because that wasn't a happy thing, it was a bad thing, something that wasn't worth thinking about.

"Nothing has happened, Kiya," I told her and I made sure that my voice was light. I could not stand the worry in her eyes because that made me think of the things I never wanted to remember. The things I had spent a long time pushing deeper and deeper into my mind. "Could you draw me a bath? And tell Mother and Father that I'm not feeling well and will spend the day in my room. Tell them they do not need to bother visiting me. That I'll be asleep for most of the day."

"Tell me what happened," she repeated and she sounded stern. I had never heard her sound stern before.

"Nothing has happened," I just repeated.

I thought she would demand the truth some more, but she didn't. She left for a moment and came back with water for my bath. I moved to stand up, but my body hurt too much. All my muscles screamed against being used, but worse than that was the pain in my stomach, which made it hard to breathe.

Kiya was by my side immediately. She placed one of my arms over her shoulders and took a gentle yet firm hold around my waist.

On my third step, my foot pressed down on something uneven. I moved it and looked down to see the jewelry, which had been beautiful beyond anything else when I had first seen it. Where it lay on the floor, torn with the chains broken, it looked pathetic and ugly and disgusting.

"Make sure I never see that thing again," I told Kiya before she helped me the rest of the way to the bath.

I sank into the warm water that elevated the pain ever so slightly. I closed my eyes and concentrated hard on listening to the movements Kiya made behind me. It was of fabric being moved, she was changing the sheets in my bed.

"Ehm, Tamah," she said after a moment, and I opened my eyes again. She stood next to the tub and in her hands were the remnants of the dress I had worn the day before. The dress that had been one of my favorites, but that now looked even more disgusting than the jewelry had to my eyes. "What do you want me to do with it?"

"Throw it out," I answered and closed my eyes again.

She continued to bustle around. I began cleaning myself. Scrubbed my body over and over. But no matter how much I scrubbed, I couldn't forget the things that weren't worth thinking about. They lurked their way into the front of my mind, and when I managed to scrub one away, two others appeared. The thoughts were like a hydra, the cloth I used to clean myself with was my sword. And though I knew swinging my sword would only cause the monster to grow another head, I was desperate enough to kill it to try again and again.

"You're hurting yourself!" Kiya suddenly exclaimed and ripped the cloth out of my hand. I looked down at my arm, which I had scrubbed. The skin was red and there were a few tiny drops of blood. It ought to have hurt, but I felt nothing of that pain.

"Please, Tamah. Tell me who did this to you," Kiya asked as she settled herself next to the tub.

I shook my head.

"Please! And you have to tell your parents. They can..."

"Do nothing," I answered, and I had expected my voice to be weak, so I was surprised at how determined it sounded. "It doesn't matter who did this because they can't do anything. Please, Kiya. I just want to clean myself and then forget about it."

She was silent for a long time. Her eyes seemed to search my face for something. But finally, she let out a sigh.

"Do you want me to wash your hair?" she asked me instead.

When I was washed and dried, Kiya went to get me some food. She came back with a plate of porridge that she insisted I ate. I only managed two mouthfuls. As I tried to swallow the third, I puked it all up. She gave me some water to drink instead, and that I got to keep down.

After that, she tucked me into bed, but the bed didn't feel safe and comfortable anymore. Instead, it was pain and danger, and I knew I wouldn't be able to rest.

"Kiya, can you lie next to me?" I asked her. She gave me a crooked smile before placing herself next to me. I curled closer to her in the hopes that she could provide the safety I desperately wanted, but wasn't sure I'd ever feel again.

"Can you talk to me about something?" I asked next.

"What would you want to talk about?"

"Anything. As long as it's something happy."

She didn't stay silent for long before she began to talk.

"I think you're right. Reth is only waiting for me to turn eighteen, and then he'll ask me to be his wife."

I smiled and let her happiness be mine. "What made you finally realize?"

"The day we went with the meat to the orphanage, he stayed behind to talk to me after you'd left. And he's found an excuse to come by every day since then. He used to come over for various reasons before also, but not as often."

"I'm happy for you," I told her, and I truly was. She deserved all things good, and I needed to hear about them more than I needed air.

We talked about what her life with Reth would be like for the remainder of the day. When night fell, she suggested she would stay, but I convinced her to leave. If he came back, he might hurt her as well.

And back he came.

The day went about in a similar way as the previous one. But that day as night fell, Kiya refused to let herself be convinced to leave my side. And as we settled in to sleep, I had to admit that I felt safer with her next to me.

That sense of safety evaporated as soon as he came again. He put a spell on Kiya so she would not wake up as he raped me for the third night in a row.