"My youth.
My youth is yours."
With six words of a chorus
I remember truly.
I gave my youth.
My youth was yours.
And then I watched it die
In your hands
Shriveling
Withering
Decomposing
Into nothing.
My youth was yours
and I forever lost it when you left.  

October 12, 2014

"Happy birthday!" Jordan and I holler at the top of our lungs, incurring laughter 

Josh awaits us in the parking lot with a handful of his friends, laughing at our antics. He turns 20 today, and in typical Josh style, when I asked him what he wanted to do, he decided on ziplining. Of course. So here we are, carrying bags of food smuggled from the cafeteria and driving a few hours away to zipline from the top of a mountain. 

"Thanks, Rach, Jord," he says, squeezing my arm in appreciation.

Everything I do for him, it's all to earn the look that he's giving me now--eyes crinkled in a smile, a dimple on one cheek, devastating grin. Everything I do is to make him happy.

A handful of his friends have gathered around us. I recognize Drew, his roommate, and a friend or two from the lacrosse team as well as five guys and girls I haven't met before. We load up into two cars, Josh riding shotgun in my car with Jordan, Drew, and one of his lacrosse buddies in the backseat.

I start the car as Josh pulls out a paper map to guide us to our ziplining location. I reach for the radio, and Jordan flies forward from the backseat.

"No way are you getting control of the music," she exclaims, plugging in her phone and playing Twenty One Pilots. "No Carrie Underwood or depressing folk music on Josh's birthday."

"Shouldn't he get to pick the music, seeing that he's the birthday boy and all?" I ask.

"You just want him to pick because you guys like the same kind of music," Jordan grouses, butt now firmly returned to her seat between the guys in the back.

Josh laughs roughly. "Play what you want, Jord. Have you guys met Luis?"

Luis, the lacrosse teammate sitting in the backseat, flashes a bright smile. "Luis Acevedo."

"I'm Jordan, and this is Rachel," Jordan says, attempting civility for once.

"Oh, I've heard all about you guys," he answers with a laugh, his voice rolling with a slight Spanish accent. 

"That can't be good," Jordan answers, no doubt remembering a few of our less than illustrious moments.

Luis responds, "Nah, I've only heard good things, I promise."

"You didn't have to lie for us, Josh," Jordan responds, a snarky grin forming at the corners of her mouth.

"I didn't lie," Josh answers with a grin. "I just didn't tell him everything."

I slug Josh in the shoulder and laugh.

A few hours in the car and a security briefing later, we're standing at the top of a mountain looking at a zipline descending far below us. The scenery around us is gorgeous--soaring evergreens, craggy rocks, the scent of pine needles--but I'm too ensconced in my fear of heights to notice. Though it's not cold out, goosebumps are pimpling across my skin and I'm simultaneously sweating through my light jacket.

"Alright, who wants to go first?" The instructor asks, standing next to the line with a harness in one hand.

I already know who's going to volunteer. "I'll go," Josh says, raising a hand lacksidasically and stepping up to the front of the line.

I shrink back from the cliff as he's quickly harnessed and jumps off, soaring through the air at a velocity that must rival the speed of light. I can hear his exhilarating yell as he plummets through the air, and I find myself shuddering. I really hate heights.

As I battle my fears, person after person from our party goes hurdling through the air, whooping with pleasure. Finally, Jordan is the only person left standing on the platform with me.

"Rach? You ready?" she asks, her voice tinged with uncharacteristic tenderness.

"I...I think I'll pass this round," I answer, my teeth close to chattering. "You guys are coming back up in a few minutes. I'll wait."

I give her what's supposed to be a reassuring smile; it's convincing enough to send her catapulting to what may be her death. Since no one has returned yet, I have no proof that they haven't all crashed against an opposing bluff. 

Fifteen minutes later, I'm still awkwardly standing on the platform with the instructor waiting for Josh, Jordan, and the others to return for round two. He tried to convince me that the very slender wire and rope harness can hold my weight, but my fear has drowned out all rationality. It's not that I don't know it's completely safe; it's the terror that comes from staring straight down and imagining all the ways I could die. I could be impaled on a pine tree, bashed against a rock, hurled into the open mouth of a mountain lion. I start to hyperventilate.

Eventually, a truck pulls up and the crew empties out, ready to go again. I would hate how much I look like a coward, but I'm too preoccupied with my mortal terror. 

Josh jogs over to me and touches my shoulder. "Rach, are you okay? Jordan told me you didn't want to try the zipline."

I laugh weakly. "Do you remember me trying the ropes course?"

"Oh crap, you're terrified of heights." Guilt clouds Josh's face, and he runs a hand through his dark hair. "I'm sorry, Rach, I should have thought about that."

"It's your birthday, it's fine," I muster a tremulous smile. "I don't mind watching."

Bewilderment crosses his features. "You mean you're not even going to try?"

I cast my eyes to the ground, studying the pebbles under my boots. I hate for Josh to see me like this, cowardly and frightened. 

He tugs on my hand. "C'mon, Rach. You'll regret it if you don't at least try once."

I recognize the eager, playful light in his eyes, and I hate to disappoint him. Is this the new me that I want to be? Afraid and regretful?

"Promise I won't die?" I ask, only half kidding.

"If you die, I die," he answers, and my breath skids to a stop at the earnestness in his eyes. "We'll go together."

Josh pulls a reluctant me behind him to the platform where the instructor has added a second harness to the parallel line. I watch as Luis and Jordan are harnessed in; they grab hands and fly laughing into the abyss. 

"Next!" the instructor calls, and before I can recoil, Josh pulls us forward, and I am reluctantly stepping into a harness and letting the instructor tighten it around my hips and waist.

"Josh..." I groan. "I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

I dare a dizzying look down from the platform, and the contents of my stomach rise in my throat. Sweet balls of fire. There is absolutely nothing below us but a rocky cliff descending hundreds of feet. I feel sweat beading on my forehead, and my stomach is screaming in revolt.

"Rach?" I hear Josh's voice as if it is miles away, but he squeezes my hand and brings me back to reality. "Listen to me. You need to stop thinking." I jerk my head towards him, my eyes petrified spheres.  "Don't look down. Look straight ahead and squeeze my hand. Don't think, just feel."

He pulls my arm forward, sprinting a few steps on the platform and pulling me forward. Suddenly, there is nothing beneath me but empty air. Wind slaps me in the face, and my hair streams behind me. My arms and legs search for purchase, but there's nothing to hold onto. There's nothing.

I realize that my eyes are tightly shut, and I risk opening them only to see ground hurtling by beneath me. The sound of rushing air fills my ears and another sound as well--laughter. I turn my terrified gaze to Josh; I've never seen him look so happy. His mouth is wide open in laughter, his eyes crinkled so they're nearly invisible, his face turned into the rushing air.

He sees me watching him and grins encouragingly. I smile back at him, the cool wind catching my curls and blowing them in my eyes. The sensation makes me laugh, and I finally risk a glance forward.  We're flying, really flying. 

"Let go!" Josh yells at me through the rushing wind.

Josh lets go of our interlocking hands and throws his arms out, laughing as the air flings his arms wide. I copy him, the air catching my hands as if it is my dance partner and we are waltzing through the sky. Laughter escapes from me as the melody to our dance.

When I open my eyes and see Josh's smile, I revel in the thrill of falling.

~~~~~

Though this is by no means a pivotal scene in the story, I really love this chapter. Probably because I love Josh and Rachel.

Thanks for reading, as always! 

~ Hannah