Slumped in the darkness I try to control my breath, my mind feels fuzzy like cotton wool.  Bell is sat on the floor beside me she takes in a deep breath as if scared to mention the elephant in the room.  "I'm sorry I had no choice Jane, it was the only way for you to see".
I try to stand but fall back down as my brain still feels fuzzy, like when I'd been on the Waltzers everything is moving around me I can't hold my focus on anything, Bell grabs me and helps lower me down "sit for a little while child let it all settle".

I struggle to get a couple of words out.  "Why Bell?  Why find me?  Why bring me here ?"

She strokes the hair out of my face, "to right my wrongs, your mother was like me.  She aged slower than most humans, she knew of my curse and the punishment that had been passed on to her.  We travelled the world together, I clothed her, fed her, she never wanted for anything but I never loved her as a mother should, maybe partly too scared to let myself love her.  Then one day she disappeared, I didn't know she had found out that she was pregnant with you and she was scared the curse would strike you and her.  That she would love you so much so she would of course lose you, so she decided she had no choice but to numb her emotions to life, so she did that with heroin in the hope you would survive.  By the time I found out about you, it was too late, you were born and she was gone.  I will never forgive myself that in my daughter's darkest moment she felt she couldn't turn to me, I vowed I'd find you and bring you home... You and your dad".

There is a sickly sweet odour that pours from her, she's lying about something I can smell it wafting up from her words and tickling at my nostrils.  But I have no fight in me to quiz her, I just want to go home to be with dad so I simply ask her to take me home. 

She doesn't try to chat or push me to discuss anything anymore she hooks her arm undermine and raises me up, we stumble home like this, me clinging to her as the floor moves beneath my feet and the world suddenly feeling noisier than it had ever felt or I'd noticed before. 

The wind feels like it's aiding us as it blows us home, by now I have no concept of time, I know it's late though as the warm glow of early evening has gone and the all-consuming darkness of late-night, with only the street lights to guide you home.  As we stumble into the pub I see Dad pacing up and down, it is empty with not even the barmaids propping up the bar.  His face is a mixture of fear and rage; he pushes Bell to the side so he can get closer to me.  I can see the panic written across his face.  "Where have you been?  I was about to ring the police".
He turns on Bell, "was she with you?"  I can see the anger boiling away inside of him ready to overflow out.

Bell is caught between a rock and hard place, either tell him the truth, which he won't believe or lie to him which he won't believe. 

I raise my hand trying to interject, to bring his attention back onto me as I go to step towards him but I crumble, weak and deflated, to the floor, He catches me and I whisper, "Dad I had a bad turn again but Bell brought me home, I'm home Dad. I'm sorry for worrying you", He hushes me seeing that I'm too exhausted to say anymore, I don't feel bad for deceiving him because technically it was true; I did take a funny turn, I just didn't digress what had brought it on, what I'd seen. 

I catch Bell looking over my Dad's shoulder down at me, she looks grateful I've covered for her but most of all I kept her secret, our secret. 

My dad picks me up as my legs are still not strong enough, I feel myself finally relax every muscle in my body it's  because I was now finally safe, I was home.  I feel the dozy state between awake and sleep start to wash over me, your mind becomes sluggish, words don't register, the movements around you distorted and somehow out of sync. 

He lays me down and tucks me in, I hear him chatter to Bell something about contacting the doctor in the morning.  He kisses me on the forehead, I can see in his eyes he knows he's missing a vital part of the story but he won't ask me any more, he just quietly walks out, he doesn't shut the door because maybe he's frightened I'll take another turn and he won't hear. 

A few seconds pass after Dad leaves, Bell enters and she has a glass water which she places on the bedside table, no doubt an excuse to come in and check on me, she sits on my bed and strokes my hair from my face, "Sleep Jane I promise tomorrow the tiredness will have lifted".
I nod slightly, to show I've heard and acknowledged what she is saying to me, and from there I drift off.  I feel the weight of sleep push me down into the bed until all that is around me has dissipated.

*********************************************

My dreams are of little comfort to me, in sleep I find myself in a field, there are trees surrounding me as if caging me in,it's the dead of night, I can hear animals hiding and scuttling in the trees but see nothing.  The awareness that I'm very alone aches in my bones, I turn around but I see nothing but trees, I look up the moon is full and shining down on me, its hypnotic glow pulls me in as a mothers embrace, the only light in the dark place.  My gaze is broken by the sudden rustling from points all around me. 

There, from the darkness emerges Dad, Bell, Mum and the vicar all from opposing points as if they are surrounding me.  I'm in the middle, confused that none of them are speaking, just standing and gazing at me.  I look from face to face waiting for some recognition from them but they seem somehow dead and lifeless versions of themselves, they all start to beckon me over to them, never saying a word just simply beckoning me with their hands. I don't know who to walk to they all seem as if they are just shells of who they are meant to be.  I can feel the wind picking up and howling through the trees as if a storm is going to descend on us,  I look up and the comforting moon has disappeared behind angry black clouds. I look back at them,  who do I choose? they all have different darknesses that surrounds them that could destroy me as well as them.  They all lift their hands, words are appearing as if an invisible knife is cutting into their flesh, blood trickles down their arms but they don't flinch they just stand there with their hands out, palms facing out to me.  On Bell's hands are written Superbia, on Mum's hands Tristitia, on the vicar's hands Luxuria and on Dad's hands the one word I understood Murder.

Light cracks in the sky above me and lights up the trees, the rain pours down as I fall to my knees with the realisation I'm scared of where to turn.  I put my hands into the moist grass and claw my nails into the soft soil whilst reciting to myself over and over again, "you are not really here, this is just a dream, you are not really here, this is just a dream".
The lightning cracks louder and the thunder rumbles above my head yet I carry on repeating it, I shut my eyes to block it all out, "you are not here, this is just a dream" I start to scream it out louder and louder until I can shout no more.  

I gasp for breath as my lungs are burning, I feel winded from all the shouting, as I try to get some breath in, I realise my throat has closed up, I panic and claw at my throat for fear I'll never breathe again.  Then suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped in me my body lets a large breath in and I shoot up disorientated then realise I'm awake and back in my bedroom.

I jump out of bed and scramble to find a pen and paper, I root through the drawers until I find old envelope and pen then I scribble down the words I saw inscribed into the palms of their hands, I will find out what they mean.