The second floor had a common bathroom. Nikhil was still downstairs with his mother. So I walked into the bathroom. Unlike last time I had not forgotten to bring my stuff. I had my purse with me, and my mobile phone; because I was ready to leave for lunch with Nikhil already by the time the events unfolded. I opened my purse and took out the single unopened razor blade. I carry it with me now.

I held my hand over the washbasin and made a single deep incision on my wrist. It was still noon. It bleeds more if you cut yourself in the middle of the day. I knew that by now. The blood rushed up through the cut I made and began dripping down to the white wash basin.

I needed to see the blood that day. No tiny cut will do. I wanted more and more blood. So I cut deeper in the same cut again. More blood dripped down. I watched it. Feeling satisfied. The mental suffocation, slowly disappearing.

After a minute, the blood flow stopped. The wound clotted over.

So I sat down on the bathroom floor. I felt tired. Not from blood loss, just generally from my life. I should feel guilty to have done this at Nikhil's house. But it does not matter. I felt guilty about a lot of things anyway. This just adds to the long list.

I did not know how much time I sat there. But then I noticed that my mobile phone was buzzing. It was Darshan.

I had texted him that morning asking him if he was okay. But had not got any replay. I was relieved to see his call. I took it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey, I saw your text just now... I woke up late..."

"That's okay," I said. "Did you eat something?"

"Not really. You sound a bit off. You okay?" His voice was lined with mild concern. I don't know why... at that moment, I felt like Darshan was the perfect person who may get me. Like whatever madness this was... that I had been doing to my own body, I felt like he is the only person in this world who would not judge me.

"Did you really not eat anything for the last two days?" I asked him.

"Um...." He sounded as if he does not want to tell me.

"Is it a secret?"

"Maybe," he chuckled.

"I will tell you my secret if you tell me yours," I said. I just wanted to tell him my secret. Because the secret was also suffocating now.

"Okay." He said. "I did eat Maggi both days."

"Maggi is not food," I said.

"Yeah," he said. There was a moment of silence. "So what is this big ass secret of yours?" he asked. "Let me hear it; and if it turns out to be something silly, I am going to kick your ass for making me tell mine."

I took a moment because this was big for me. "Hm... sometimes I hurt myself. Like on purpose." There, I said it. Darshan went silent as if he was trying to process that. But I trusted him. Trusted that he would not freak out.

"What do you do?" He finally asked. That is what he asked.

"Cut myself mostly. Sometimes burn." I said.

Darshan stayed silent for a second more.

"You know there are better ways to inflict harm to your body." He finally said, "more enjoyable ways."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Okay, it's my turn to confess a secret." He said, "Wait, you will keep this as secret right?"

"As long as you keep mine," I said.

"Yup. Can take that to my grave."

I smiled and stared at the clotted blood on my wrist. This one will be hard to hide and pass as an accident. But I did not want to imagine a life beyond this bathroom. "What is your confession?" I asked Darshan.

"I have taken drugs." He said. "Like before..."

I sat up. "Darshan..." I whispered a bit horrified.

"I know... But they help. Sometimes. To forget."

I felt conflicted. Drugs were bad. Really bad... Illegal and addictive. Dangerous. But then... do I have the right to say anything. How is it different from what I do to myself by cutting? After I started to self-harm, I tried to go online and read about that. They say self-harming is addictive too.

So I let the information just sink in for a moment.

"Do you still take it?" I finally asked.

"Hm... Say some more of your secrets. Then I will tell you." He said.

"Darshan..."

"Come on. It's unfair to give it away so easily..."

"Fine," I said, and tried to think of something.... "Hm... I have cut myself now. My hand is filled with blood."

Silence.

"I have some stored at my house. I have not taken it in the last 3 months. But it is there."

I pressed my lips together. I was surprised how numb I was to all this information. I know possession of drugs was illegal. I should be worried about him, panicking. But I was not. I did not really care about earthly rules anymore I guess.

"Your turn," Darshan whispered into the phone. I felt like I could picture him crouching down somewhere on some floor, just like I am. He probably was. And that made this conversation more intimate.

"Oh, are we having a secrets battle now?" I asked him.

"Yeah, we are... We totally are. Tell me something more scandalous. Something spicy."

I mildly laughed.

"Hm... I want to have sex with my fiancé so much. Like sometimes I feel like tearing his clothes away and just...eat him alive."

"Ooh...good for him."

"Wait, this was too intimate."

"No. no, it's okay. Hm... my turn. Shruthi went back to Kerala. Like she quit her job here and went back permanently."

Oh... That explains the luggage.

"Hm... that is not exactly a secret and it does not live up to the standards I just set up..."

"Yeah, it does not....." He admitted. "Hm... I should say something bigger. Better... Hm....." I waited. "I want to see you right now."

"Hm.. what?"

"I want to see you..." Darshan of all the people in the world gave a nervous chuckle. "Can't you come back... Like today?" I was thrown off so much. I was unable to reply. "I know you meant to stay a couple more days. But seems like you are not enjoying your stay anyway. And there are buses to Bangalore every night...."

And with a jolt, I realised that I was actually considering this. And I suddenly felt a bit scared. Like I did not know that I was entering into some strange waters, but I realised I was in it when I was already in it knee-deep.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Arya..." Nik's voice. I almost jumped out of my skin. "You in there," he asked.

"Yeah, just a sec," I said. My hand was still covered in clotted hard blood. "Listen I will talk to you later," I said to the phone. And hung up on Darshan. I got up and washed my hand up. On the touch of water, it began to bleed again. No matter how much I tried to wash the blood away because the wound was wet, it bled again. I panicked.

Nikhil knocked again, "You okay?"

"Yeah..." I said. Why won't it stop bleeding? I need a tissue, or bandage, to tie it up.

I remembered I have a sanitary pad in my purse. I took it out and pressed to my wound. It socked up the blood right away and left a clean red line on my wrist. Good. I breathed again.

But now I did not know what to do with the pad. Great!

"Arya..."

"I asked you to wait..." I yelled.

"Why do I smell blood?"

Oh great. I closed my eyes tightly.

"You okay in there?"

I rolled up the pad in half and put it on top of the washbasin and turned and opened the door, hiding my left hand. Nik looked worried.

After a while, Arya found me downstairs, in the living room. I had shifted Amma to her room. "Hm... I want to go back home." Arya said to me.

That was pretty surprising. Because, from the way she left, I did not expect her to want to go back any time soon. I was expecting she will ask to stay the night, like last time. And I was prepared to let her stay the night.

"Why? Because you got your monthly thing?" I asked.

"That... and... I want to go back to Bangalore tonight," She said, crossing her hands.

"What?" I asked. "But... but we are supposed to go back only on Tuesday."

"I know. But I want to go tonight."

This is because of what happened at her house. She does not want to spend two more days there. I bit my lips. "You can stay here if you want to," I said. "Till Tuesday." I don't want her away from me, after what she said. I wanted physical closeness. Assurance.

She looked up at me. "I want to go, Nik..."

And her eyes were pretty determined. And I more than anyone knew that when Arya gets stubborn it's hard to change her mind. But I did not want to send her today. At all. "We have booked tickets for Tuesday. You can come with me."

"I don't want to stay two more days," She snapped.

"I cannot come with you today."

"Who asked you to come? You can stay."

"What will people say?"

"Like that matters?" Her eyes widened. "Look, you wanted me to fulfil my duty as your fiancé and come see your mom, I did. Now let me go back." Stepped closer to me.

"No," He said, clearly. "Go with me on Tuesday."

"Nikhil..."

"I told you, you are not leaving." He pointed a finger at me. "You live here, or with your parents, I don't care. But you are coming with me on Tuesday."

"Why are you being an ass?" She hissed.

I am being an ass!? I felt a jolt of anger. She is the one who declared that she used me. And is not caring about explaining. Acting as if that does not change anything.

What am I to her? A doggy who will wag his tail and come to her every time?

"I am going. And that's final," she declared.

"Oh yeah... Okay, whatever." I stepped back. "You always do things your way anyway. Who am I to stop you?" No one... Did she... did she accept me only because I was the perfect guy to put in front of her parents?? Did she never like me for who I am? Was...everything a lie??

No, right?

It cannot be... I wanted to step closer, take her into my arms, ask her tenderly, that 'Arya, Da... it's a lie, right?... A lie that you told to get back at your parents... You liked me back genuinely, right...? You are not with me just because of your parents, right?' I felt scared and hurt and angry. So lost. "Just... leave," I mumbled.

She nodded.

"Should I drop you back?" I asked.

"No, I will get an auto," She said. Better. I don't want to be around her... Also, I did not want to go back to her house either. "I will go see your Amma before I leave." She said, pointing to Amma's room. I nodded. And Arya walked into Amma's room.

It was not just because of Darshan. It was because I wanted to get away from here. Being at Nikhil's house did not make sense and further complicated things. Somehow being here, in the same district as my parents felt constraining. I wanted to get away. Put as much physical distance between us. Also, I did not want Nikhil to see the cut on my wrist. He would if I stayed. And I don't have an excuse for a straight cut across my wrist.

Nikhil's mom was lying down when I walked in. She sat upon seeing me. I ran to help her up. "I heard you fought with your parents," She said to me.

"Yeah."

"I can understand..." She said taking my hand in her hand. I got scared that she will see the cut. But she was holding it upside down. "Your parents are not happy about Appu, are they?"

"Amma is fine... Just Achan..."

"Yeah, he seemed a bit..."

I nodded. "I am sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" She asked me.

I shrugged. "Appu deserves better...." And that got me thinking. If I had not come into his life, Nik's life would be so different. He need not get married so early, and he could have found a girl who may suit this household better. So I literally trapped the guy. And I began to feel more guilty.

"Come here..." Amma said, and to my surprise took me into a hug. "It's not your fault..." she said, rubbing my arm. I was surprised, but I suddenly felt chocked. Nobody has ever told me that it is not my fault. "You are just a kid," she said, "Your parents should not make you feel this way."

I felt like crying. I have never felt so warm in my life. She patted my back, and I backed off. Amma looked into my face keenly. "Are you going to cry?" She asked. I shook my head and forced a smile.

"You know," Amma said, "When Appu's Papa and I decided to get married, there was a lot of disapproval from both sides. A love marriage was a bit more difficult in our generation, you see... And there were a lot of relatives of mine who acted as if I am the worst thing on earth."

Oh...

"But trust me, it passes." She continued. And took my hand again, "of course, it hurts now. When it is your own parents. It hurts more. But... parents also, in the end, they are your parents. They do love you...." She patted my hand. I was again getting conscious that she will notice the cut. So I tried to think of a gap to pull my hand free. "Give them time. They will come around." She said. I nodded. I wanted to tell her that my parents' problem is bigger than that. But I was glad when I was able to pull my hand free.

"I am leaving for Bangalore tonight," I told her.

"Hm...why? You were supposed to go with Appu on Tuesday, na?"

"Yeah, but.... I have some work there and it's better this way." I mumbled.

"Okay, dear. If that is what makes you happy," she finally said.

"I will call you. And take care, Amma." I said. She nodded.

When I came out, Nik was sitting on the stairs, looking down. I know that I owe him more explanations. Now when I think, I regretted saying what I said in his presence. I did not regret telling my family that I had to choose Nikhil because of them. But I should never have said that in front of Nikhil. I was not thinking straight. It was something that I never wanted him to find out. At least not in this way. Especially not in this way.

This was the biggest blunder I did in our relationship. And so that made it more of a reason for me to run away and avoid this. I believed that Nikhil will understand. He knows I love him. Also, he has not asked for an explanation yet. So yeah, he probably understands.

"Bye..." I said to him.

"Yeah, whatever," He said, without looking up.

He was still mad at me for leaving. But right now, I cannot help it. He will come around. We always do after a fight. "See you on Wednesday," I said and walked out.

It was odd. I felt peaceful as the bus pulled away from my home town. My parents did not take it well when I told them that I was leaving that night. Amma just cried more. But nobody talked to each other in that house anymore. And it was even stranger because I felt peaceful even though I was also leaving Nikhil behind, even though he was angry with me.

But I guess this is okay too. Being in a relationship does not have to mean that I have to adjust myself to Nikhil all the time. Also sometimes I feel that I feel more at peace, and more content when I am just alone. I obviously feel better away from home. But Nik sometimes feels like a tiny string that ties me back to my life back home. So when he is with me, I feel like there are still some things that are binding me.

Some weekends, when Nikhil is busy and the other girls have gone out, I make myself a too-sweet black tea and sit on the couch reading a book. And those times I feel like some of the things that have happened in my life have never happened. I feel free. Content. Truly peaceful.

But then eventually guilt comes back. It always does. Also, duties as a girlfriend come around.

As I stepped off the bus the next morning, I saw this guy waving at me. I was sleep ridden so it took me a moment to recognise that it was Darshan. He walked up to me, while I was confused. I had texted him on the bus. "Why are you here?" I asked.

"Way to greet someone," he said getting my bag. But still, why was he here? I looked at him confused. And then suddenly, but gently, he grabbed my hand. I was so startled that I almost jumped away at the touch. But he drew it closer to him and took a look at my wrist. The cut was clean and dried now a fresh scar. He moved his thumb over it and looked up at me. I was expecting him to say something along the lines of concerned words or at least ask me about it...

But silently he slowly let my hand down. And now it was feeling a bit too awkward because I did not know what to say.

"Did you eat something?" I asked finally remembering.

"Yeah. Last night." He said, "But that got digested. So... breakfast?"

"I need to freshen up first," I told him. I am sure I looked like shit, I had not even brushed my teeth. I tried to tidy up my hair by taking out my hairband.

"Okay. I'll drop you off... And then we can grab a bite." He said.

When I rang the bell to the house, nobody opened it. I rang a few more times. "Don't you have a key or something?" Darshan asked me.

"I have. But it is inside... I did not bring it with me." I said. Because Samanta and Kavita were not supposed to be going home for the weekend. "Wait let me call them," I told Darshan and called Samanta.

Turns out that Kavita had made a last-minute plan and taken Samanta along to go to her cousin's house which is literally on the other side of the city. I told Sam the situation about the key, but I really did not want to make her come all the way around the town just because I forgot to take the key with me. They had their own plans for the day. And with Bangalore traffic, it will be hours by the time she gets here and I was in a bit of a hurry to use the toilet.

I was wondering if I should ask my neighbour if I can wait at her place, but that aunty is quite annoying and intimidating. "You know my house is twenty minutes away from here," Darshan said. "If you want to freshen up and stuff."

I looked at him. I hesitated because of Nikhil. Also, I have never been to any guy's house alone.

"Come on, what else can you do?" Darshan asked.

Yeah... what else can I do?? I did not have anyone close This was the logical thing. I will just freshen up at his place and come back. And it's just Darshan. It's not like it is unsafe or anything.

"Fine, let's go..." I told him.

Darshan opened the door of his house and led me inside. "It's usually cleaner than this," he mumbled. I looked around. Calling it messy would be an understatement. It was like a total garbage bin. Nik's room was a thousand times cleaner than this. There was an actual smell coming from this place, and actual flies.

"Sorry... I will clean up," Darshan said. "Bathroom is this way..."

"Is it the same shape?" I asked him.

"Eh...." He hesitated. "Wait, I will clean it up for you." He set my bag down and ran to the washroom.

I inspected the toilet after. It was not totally unusable. "I will use it for now."

Once I was shut in the washroom, I inspected the cut on my wrist again. It was not that evident unless you are looking closely. I looked in the mirror, and straightened my hair, checked my mobile again. Delt with a tinge of hurt feeling as there were zero messages or calls from Nikhil. None at all.

By the time I came out of the washroom, the house was actually looking better, at least the weird smell was lessened and it smelled of jasmine flower. I noticed a big air freshener can on the table. Darshan came out of the kitchen with a plate. He set it down on the table. "Scrambled eggs," he said. "You like them."

I looked at him suspiciously, a bit too taken aback and totally unable to make out the situation. "What?" Darshan asked me.

"One, did you make these?"

"Yeah, obviously." He said. "And you can eat them. They are not poisoned." He went back and came back with some bread.

"I thought we were going out for breakfast..." I said, looking around.

"We still can." He said. "I just... I mean, there were eggs and I remembered that you like scrambled eggs." He almost sounded nervous, like he did, yesterday on the phone. He looked as if he kind of regretted his actions now. "Eh... do you... Do you want to go out for breakfast?" He definitely looked very nervous. And suddenly going out seemed more significant than just sitting and eating scrambled eggs with bread in his house. Even when this was not really normal, the first kind of felt like a date.

"No, this is fine," I sat at the table. Darshan smiled and pushed the plate closer to me, "Ketchup?" he asked. I nodded. He went to get them. I put a spoonful of scrambled eggs into my mouth. And I was hit with a memory.

Six years back, in the evenings when we did not have tuition classes and entrance coaching, Arjun, Darshan, and I used to make something to eat in our house kitchen. I made Maggi, Darshan made scrambled eggs to put in Maggi and his scrambled eggs were always so perfect - never overcooked. Arjun, Darshan and I used to eat a big pot full of Maggi and fight for portion sizes...

By the time Darshan returned, I was feeling strange...sad. I missed Arjun... I have always missed Arjun. But I have never let myself feel it completely. I always suppressed it. But this was not helping in suppressing it. Hanging out with Darshan, and eating his scrambled eggs... all this was bringing me closer and closer to the memories of my brother. I could not help but wish Arjun was here with us. But he is not, and he can never be with us ever again. And it felt so unfair, and I felt so angry with Arjun all over again, for doing that to himself.

So damn selfish...

"You asked ''one' did you make these', was there a 'two' that question?" Darshan asked as he sat down and put the ketchup bottle in front of me. Then he noticed me. I had traces of tears in my eyes, I guess. "What's wrong?" He asked.

I shook my head and ate another spoonful. Trying to suppress everything. Darshan sank back to his chair and silently moved his spoon through the scrambled eggs, watching me. He left me alone to my feelings. It was kind of like he just understood it. Like no words were needed for us to understand that we both were desperately missing the same person. And dealing with the same pain.

After a few minutes, I felt that the silence was weird and getting too intimate again. Especially when the 'two' of my questions were why does Darshan even remember that I used to like his scrambled eggs?

Back then, six years back, he used to do these small gestures... Like, piss me off by saying something, but then makeup by making Maggi with scrambled eggs that evening and making sure I get the bigger share of it. That used to make me so confused back then, wondering if he secretly liked me.

I checked my mobile, hoping Nikhil has sent a message or something. I wanted Nikhil's presence right now, to pull me back into the right track. But there were no messages or calls.

"So why did you come back alone?" Darshan finally asked. I looked at him, "I mean without your guy?"

"You asked me to come back?" I reminded him.

"Did you really come back for me? Arya? I am flattered..." he joked.

"Don't dream too big." But it had brought a smile to my lips. Also reminded me of the real reasons. "Things are weird at home," I told Darshan. "I don't really get along well with my parents. You know after everything..."

Darshan nodded. "I don't either." He said avoiding my eyes.

"With your parents?" I asked.

He nodded. I wanted to ask more but did not want to remind him of any foul memories or experiences. Because I know how I feel if someone asks me about my parents.

"Just stay away from them... That is what I do..." Darshan said,

My mobile beeped. I grabbed it so fast. But it was just Samanta. I had texted her that there was no hurry to get back. She said texted saying she will get back by night then. I need to find a place to pass time till night. "I should probably leave," I said finishing up my meal.

"Why?" Darshan asked, "you can stay here until your flatmates get back."

"Well, they will get back only by night," I said, already trying to see where I left my bag.

"Cool, you can stay until then. We can watch a movie or something." He said.

Why is he making this so hard???? I sank back to my chair. "Darshan...." I started, "Don't get me wrong, but don't you think this is a bit weird?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow. "I mean... You know." Also, I need to draw a line. On the phone, he told me he wanted to see me. "I have a boyfriend."

"So?" Darshan asked, "I am not asking you to sleep with me."

What the hell... That was so direct and sudden that I stood up, and just blinked at him. He looked unshaken. But then again this was Darshan. He sat closer, "Look I get it. I went a bit far on the phone. But I meant that as a friend. As a person. Human being. I can say that I feel like seeing someone without, you know attaching labels to it, right..."

"Yeah... Yeah, I guess you can."

"And, I don't know what the hell is going on, but... I feel better when I am with you." He sat back again, and sounded grumpy, "I don't... I don't feel like poisoning my self and smothering down my thoughts..." He said picking his fingernail. "I mean, that is good, right?"

That is good, actually. And I do want to help him. Because if he kills himself, I will literally lose myself along with him.

"And we can be friends despite you having a boyfriend." He continued, "I mean, come on, what century do you live in? Are you not allowed to have your own life if you are in a relationship? You don't owe him anything. You should have the authority of your own life. Be allowed to have friends; have a life outside of him. Or is the jealous control freak kind?"

He is not. I am usually the jealous one between Nikhil and me. If he is alone in an apartment with a female friend, I know I will lose my shit and fight for a year. Yet I tucked away my conscience at this point. And this was just friendship. I know what I am doing, or I at least forced myself to believe that I know what I am doing.

"Come on, stay," Darshan said. And I saw that he was almost pleading me with his eyes. There was still that cool and dashing air about him, but behind all that curtain I saw a guy who was broken and need me. I tucked away my conscience. This was just friendship. As he said, it's not like I cannot make friends. And I owe it to Arjun that I take care of Darshan. I don't have to be guilty about anything. I know what I am doing. Or I at least forced myself to believe that I know what I am doing.

"Fine," I said. "But... we need to clean up this place. I am not staying in a pigsty."

"What? No... It's not that bad."

"Are sure you have eyes? And a nose...? This place is a disaster... Come on get up. We are cleaning up..."

"Ugh" Darshan made a face, but still got up with me.

When I could not deal with more mental torture, I went and lay on the bed where amma was sitting reading. Just near her, not on her lap. I felt a bit too older for lap now. She looked at me, but I started playing a game on my mobile. It was best to keep my mind occupied. Distracted.

I could not even sleep last night. Tormented with questions and being scared.

Amma moved a hand through my hair, disregarding the fact that I was playing a game. "Your hair is longer," She commented. I liked her hand in my hair. It was soothing. I knew amma liked to ruffle my hair like I am some puppy. So I let her. I missed her so much actually...

"You know, I miss you so much..." Amma said, with a faint tinge of sadness. "You know when Papa goes for work, and I am left alone... I don't get to look forward to you coming home and talking to me about the day's events and... jump around."

"When do I jump around?"

"When do you don't?" She asked and kept moving her finger through my hair.

"Why did you have to grow up so fast, Appu?" She asked.

I paused the game and looked up into her face. She was smiling, but unlike all the times, the smile did not reach her eyes. I left the game and sat up to look at her. "Should I come back?" I asked.

"Here? Can you? Is that okay?" She asked, "I don't want you to lose out on your career."

"No." I said, "Actually I can take a transfer to the branch here, in the same post. Or take a better job in another company. My experience is enough for now..." I felt guilty that I have never told her this information before. She looked so happy and confused at the same time.

"Really?" she asked.

I nodded.

"That... That's great." She said. "Then you can come back?"

"Yeah..." I shrugged. Amma looked so happy that I regretted saying this. I mean, I did not want to give her false hopes. I should not have said anything at all. "But...."

"But what?" She asked. "I mean... if there will be any setbacks in your career then you should not."

"It's not me..." I said, feeling terrible inside. "It's Arya. She... she won't come."

"Oh," I saw Amma's face go pale. "Oh... Okay." Shit. Shit. I have never seen her so dejected. She looked like I punched her gut. "That's okay," She avoided my eyes. Amma avoided my eyes?? "Of course, you want to be with her more than... I mean, It's just right that..." Oh, my god. This was so horrible. I should not have ever told her. Now, this clearly feels like I am choosing Arya over Amma. Like I am abandoning her for a girl. I felt terrible.

"It's okay, it's just a couple more years, right?" Amma asked. "I mean, after marriage you two will come back, right?" She looked at me and looked doubtful and a bit scared now, "or do you two plan to settle down there in Bangalore?" And my heart just broke seeing Amma's insecure, sad eyes.

"God, no, Amma..." I told, grabbing her hand. "I will always come back. This is my home." It is my home and always will be. And honestly, I want to live near my mother forever if possible. "I love you. And I miss you." I said to Amma. "So much... I miss your food. And everything."

"Well, now you sound like a baby." She teased me. "You should be able to take care of yourself. You are a man now."

"Whatever. The point is," I took her hand again, "I will come back. Definitely. So, don't worry." She smiled and nodded. "Soon if I can," I added. I have to talk to Arya about this. But then well...Arya is Arya. Stubborn. Selfish. And we have this newfound problem between us.

"Did Arya reach Bangalore?" Amma asked.

"I don't know. She should have... Who cares?"

Amma sat back and took a look at me. I shrugged, "Okay, we fought. So what?"

"Fight so big that you won't call each other?"

I looked away. I was angry with Arya. But more than that, I was scared to confront her as well. And it is not like I have forgotten about the whole Darshan thing. Things were becoming worse day by day. Just piling up.

"Just call her," Amma said.

"She can call me too," I said. It is not like only I have a phone.

"Oh, so this is who will call first battles?" She asked. "I used to have that with your papa in initial marriage days. Good old days."

The calling bell rang. "Oh..it must be Arya's parents," Amma said. I nodded. Amma had told me that Arya's parents may visit. Though I was not sure if I wanted to spend an entire afternoon with her father again. "Go open the door. I will call your papa. I had asked him to be home when they came. But he is late as always

I went to open the door. Arya's parents greeted me, the mother with a warm smile and the father with a grunt. "Hello, Amma, Eh... Sir." I can never ever call this man as 'Acha' or 'papa'. But then I guess I need not. Even I have not forgotten the fact that he hit Arya once; badly. And I have heard how he hit Arjun. I respect him only out of social conventions, but never ever can I find any form of affection for him. So it's not like I do not understand Arya's stand that she does not want to be near her parents.

But she could have stayed with me. Stayed for me... I asked her to stay

Seeing her parents made me reminded me of what she said. And all the things I could not stop thinking about ever since. What if I was not her caste and religion? What if I was not this financially well off? I may not have been in Arya's life! At all.

After making Arya's parents it in the living room, I went back in and helped Amma into her wheelchair. As always she detected the change in my mood in an instant. "Appu, what happened?" She asked. I shook my head. But she grabbed the sleeve of my t-shirt.

I just sighed.

"Is it Arya's father?" She asked.

Technically not. Not now. But... Amma seemed to take my silence as a yes. She moved herself to the living room. "Hello. How nice to see you." She beamed at them. I watched from the room door while Arya's mom handed my mother the fruits they brought and started asking her how she is. I was noticing how my mother was cold to Arya's father. My mother is not usually cold to anyone. But she can be super cold and cruel if she understands that somebody is hurting her loved ones.

Papa arrived in a few minutes and he is the one who brought me into the conversation and asked me to sit with them.

"So, when is Arya planning to shift back home?" Amma suddenly asked. I looked at her warningly. "What? We should start planning the engagement soon, right? We were planning to conduct it next year. So, should we not decide on a date? I was thinking around March or April... But shouldn't Arya shift back before that?"

"She should, right?" Arya's father asked. "We will tell her."

"I will talk to her," I said. Her father's face fell grim. "I mean, let me handle this..."

"It is our daughter," Arya's father stressed, looking straight at me.

"Eh... I know she is your daughter. But...let me handle this. You will make things worse if you ask her to come back home. It's not like you don't know it, right, sir?"

"Sir?" Amma looked at me scowling.

"What?" I whispered to Amma. She just had this bizarre look. I tried to concentrate on the problem at hand. "Eh...she will flip if you tell her. Let me handle this."

"You act like you know our daughter better than us," Arya father said as if he is offended.

I wanted to tell him that I do. But I felt that may be rude. "Oh... I... I just... you know we do spend a lot of time together." She gave me that super look of disapproval. My mother looked as if she wanted to ask to his face 'what is your problem with my son'. "Anyway, I just feel... I may be the perfect person to talk to her regarding this particular situation."

"He is right," Arya's mother said, "You talk to her Nikhil mone," I nodded. Arya's father still looked displeased with everything around him. But he just agreed, I guess. Amma was staring at Arya's father sceptically.

"So about the date-" Amma started.

"We have a lot of relatives to invite." Arya's father cut in, not looking at my mother, but addressing my father. "So, can we get back on the engagement date later?"

"Yes, of course," Papa said.

"And Nikhil here, should also be thinking of coming back, right?" Arya's father asked. And I noticed how he used my name, but said it in a very peculiar way like he is extremely uncomfortable saying my name. "Em... I already am planning," I said.

"You are?" papa was surprised.

"Yes, he is." Amma shut him off. "How many people are you planning to invite for the engagement?"

"About five hundred." Arya's father said.

"Oh! That is a lot for an engagement, right?" Amma asked looking at papa. "I mean, it's just an engagement." And she said this even a bit of a mocking tone. And that is the first time when I felt that this whole marriage thing may become a total pain in the ass.

Then I felt I was the one who was so innocent to have believed that our marriage will go just smoothly. I have been to marriages, but I have no experience with the planning parts of it. I have a hunch that no marriage talks will be totally smooth and pleasant and accommodative. But then in these conditions, ours is bound to be a disaster.

"Yes. But we have a lot of relatives." Arya's dad insisted on.

"So, do we," Amma said, "But we cannot be calling each and everyone for an engagement."

"Well, a lot of people will be offended if we do not call them," Arya's father said, in a tone that felt like he is insulting my Amma as if she is talking nonsense.

"Are you saying our people won't be?" Amma asked, sounding so polite and delightful, but we are no kids to not understand that a bloody battle was going on "Of course people are like that. But if we want to invite a thousand people, we can just skip engagement and do a wedding straight."

Arya's father grunted, "I don't know what you are worried about. We are taking care of the expenses."

And Amma was scandalised, "Well it is not about the expenses... We have more than you guys do..."

"Amma..." I called, a bit horrified. This was turning to more than a disaster in a matter of minutes.

And now I cannot believe that I was dealing with this alone? I mean, I also just want to run away to Bangalore and avoid this. But I am not, right? I am doing my 'duties'. It's like I am the only person getting married. Someone can just go back and relax and enjoy...

I mean, she is the one who wanted a marriage. Not me...

Wait...

Then it suddenly hit me. I really need not have dealt with all these. My life would be so different if not of Arya's so-called plans. I am here because she chooses to use me as a pawn in her war against her parents. She actually trapped me in this mess, while knowing this is what is going to happen. And I have no other choice than to sit here and listen as they discuss and fight over our marriage. At the age of 23.

When my friends were falling in new love or having sex without fear of the future, buying new cars or making Fixed Deposits for a more financially secure future, I was planning a wedding. That too alone. What am I even doing?

And for the first time, I felt stupid. I felt angry, at the whole thing that is my current life. All my life I had been so grateful for Arya. She was my shining star in the sky that I still looked up to. But all of a sudden it dawned on me that 'all this just for a girl'. I am going to get married so young, just for her...

If Arya was not in my life, I could have got married at 30, 31 like everyone else. I would have been more financially stable. In a better job, in a better position. More mature. And who knows, I could have got a father-in-law who possibly did not hate me so much...

But then...you would not have Arya, a small voice told me. You won't have your Arya...

But then, was she ever - My Arya?

Yes, she is.

She is not.

She loves you.

Yeah... Can't deny that. But as Arya says, we can live and survive without people we love. It's not like we will die or anything if we get separated. We can lead separate lives, maybe better lives. Maybe???

"Appu, what do you think?" Amma suddenly turned to me.

"Eh... are you asking me how many guests should come?"

"Yeah," Amma said.

"How do I know?" All I want to invite is Adi, Asif, Sharan and Soumya. That is just 4 people. The rest I do not care or know. How am I supposed to know the difference between a hundred guests and five hundred guests? "Eh... You decide na, Amma... It is up to you. As always." And I heard Arya's father chuckled. I looked at him. And he has that judgmental face which did not need many verbal explanations for me. It was screaming 'mama's boy'.

The sudden surge of anger and humiliation set a spark to the chain of thoughts I was having before about separate ways. It was like the endpoint of dynamite was lit. It may take time, but an explosion was on the way.

"Really, what the hell is this?" I asked looking at the corner of the baloney. There were about fifty or sixty empty liquor bottles. Darshan scratched his head. "Are you collecting them?"

"No..." he said. "They are just from the past couple of months."

"You drank this much in the past two months?? That's more than one bottle every day." I yelled at him. He looked away, "Well I did not drink every day at home. And I have had one party, with like three other guys....so..."

I folded my hands. I should have expected this. I knew he had a drinking problem. By the number of bottles, it seems like he was drinking every night. Judging by the fact that he also mentioned drugs, this guy was on the path of total self-destruction. It's not long away that he will take his addiction to the next level and from an alcohol addiction go into drug addiction.

Maybe Shruthi took the wise decision. For a second, I wondered if I should too take the same decision and let him be. Because drugs are scary. But I felt I had more power than Shruthi... I mean, I have always belittled Shruthi. Never cared to understand Darshan's and her relationship. So of course, I had more power over him than his girlfriend of five years.

"I want you to do something..." I told Darshan.

"What?" he asked me.

"Throw away the drugs for me?"

"Huh?" He asked.

"You said you have them. In the house... While we clean up, why don't we clean them out as well... Throw it away."

"No." he suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Just...." He walked away. I followed him. "Darshan...."

"It's just there, you know... It's not like I take them..." He said walking away. "And idiot, nobody calls them 'drugs'" He quoted with his fingers. "So innocent."

"I don't care what they are called. Just throw them away."

"Do you know how much they cost?"

"Shut up. Why do you even need them?" I yelled.

"I don't know..." he yelled, and looked so frustrated, "God, why did I ever even told you about those..." He was so uneasy. "Look, you know what... forget it that I told you about it. I can understand that you can be uncomfortable knowing about it. So just...forget. Okay..."

"I cannot just forget it," I said, again folding my arms. "And why do you need them if you don't plan to take them? Or wait, you do plan to take them...?"

"Yeah... someday." He said, "But it's not like I am an addict or something."

"Shit, Darshan..."

"Hey....you are some person to teach me. You cut yourself..." he finally barked at me. I just stared after him. And it seemed like he had no intention of getting rid of the stuff.

"You know what? I am leaving," I said throwing away the dusting clothe I was carrying. "Where is my bag," I turned to search for it.

"What? No, wait..." he said. I turned to get my bag and he stepped in front of me. "Arya..."

"What?" I asked, angry "I don't want to be caught up with a junkie". Darshan looked helpless. And more troubled... "Fine," he finally said, dejected. "Fine, I will throw them away." He said. I nodded. "Good, do it in front of me."

"Really?" he asked as if to ask, 'is that necessary'.

"Yeah."

He sighed and walked into his bedroom. I followed him. He opened a drawer and took out a packet. The packet was filled with some colourful pills. "That's it?" I asked, stepping closer to get a closer look. "yeah," he said. "What did you expect?"

"I don't know, needles and stuff. Don't they inject this stuff? Or at least shouldn't it be a white powder?" I was not sure if he was deceiving me with something else.

"Your knowledge seems to be based in 90s Hollywood movies. The world has made more progress since then. And yeah, people still use heroin and cocaine. But this," he waved the cover, "is more expensive stuff."

"Why are you speaking so fondly of it? Just throw it away..." I snapped.

"Fine..." He took it out and threw it into the garbage bag I had placed in the middle of the room. The bag already contained all the garbage that was in his house that we cleaned up. "Happy now?" he asked. I nodded. "Let's throw the bag out now," he took the bag, walked out. "You just don't know how costly that was.."

"I seriously don't care," I told him, walking along with him. We dumped the bag outside in the waste area. "There goes my few lakhs," Darshan said looking at the bag in the big dumpster.

"What the hell...." I asked. I knew it would be expensive, but not a few lakhs.

"I told you they were not cheap," He said looking at me as if the entire thing is my fault. Then he took another look at me, "did you change your mind? Should I keep them?"

"No," I said walking back. "And by the way, I am hungry again..."

After they left, Amma talked how much of an awful person Arya's dad is for an hour. "You call him 'sir'?" She was going on about this, "Seriously? Like actually..."

"Amma, it's no big deal," I said, "I mean, honestly I am not interested in addressing him 'acha'."

"Obviously, you aren't... Did you see the way he treats you?" She was hysterical, "I mean, Arya is fine, but her father is.... Did you see the way he cut in between my talks and then he only talked to your father and not me? I mean... what the actual hell..."

"He is just patriarchal," I said.

"Just patriarchal?" She asked. "Appu, mone, I am telling you... you deserve a lot better. Are you sure you want to go forward with this wedding?"

"What?" Papa yelled in surprise.

"What? We need to discuss this. You saw how the father is."

"Well, he is marrying the girl. Not her father." Papa said. "And I find Arya a very delightful girl."

No, she is not. She is annoying as fuck and is the person who hurts me the most in the whole wide world.

"Yes," Amma said. "Yes. She is nice. I know... But are we sure we want to associate with this family? And we cannot take the brother's suicide totally off the plate, can we? I mean... poor boy. His father may be the reason he did it. I am sure."

"Hey, we cannot talk about the in-laws like that," Papa told Amma. "And Appu loves the girl." He turned to me, "You do, don't you?"

He asked just to make his point, but for some reason, it made me angry and agitated. Because I knew the answer to that cannot be anything else. "Yeah... Yeah, I do."

"See," Papa said back to make his point. I checked my mobile... still no calls or texts. Two days back, this girl was so intimate with our naked skins touching each other. How can the universe suddenly span between us in a matter of hours?

I am never calling her first. I am pissed off.

When it was past 7 pm, we settled down in front of the Tv. Darshan selected an English movie to watch, saying he thinks I will like it. Sam had texted me that she will be back by 8 pm. I was planning to go back after the movie finished.

As the movie started, I checked my mobile. Again. No calls or texts. This was beginning to hurt seriously bad. "Stop looking at your phone," Darshan said beside me. "Do you know how many times you checked your phone this entire day?"

I know...

"You staring at your phone is not going to make him call or text you..." Darshan said, "call yourself if you are so desperate."

"I am not desperate," I said, pushing my phone away. But I don't know... Internally I was. My mind was yelling at me that Nikhil had not contacted me for one full day now. And that is when he knew I was travelling. He should be calling to know if I reached here. And with that information that he recently got, I was beginning to worry. Really worry.

"Did you guys have a fight?" Darshan asked moving closer.

"Kind of..." I admitted. Should I call Nikhil?? Make sure things are okay...

Darshan gently patted my shoulder, got up, went to the kitchen and came back. He had two glass filled with ice and a bottle of something that looked like whiskey. He poured a glass and put it in front of me.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"What? You seem down," He said.

"Alcohol does not solve anything, Darshan." I pushed the glass away.

"Wow..." he said, "Great philosophy. How come Arya Devan cannot come up with something more original. Seems like I have heard this line somewhere..." He poured himself a glass, "You sure can do better."

"I am not drinking," I said.

"Fine. Suit yourself. I am going to."

"Do you have to? Every single day?"

"Relax. It's just a glass..." he said. "And you should too. It sure does not solve anything... but try. It makes things more...tolerable."

"I don't want to resort to these toxic tricks." I drew my legs up and settling my head on them.

"Yeah, and cutting yourself is like eating cupcakes." He said sipping his drink.

I scowled at him. I should never have told him. He gave me a smirk. I felt a surge of anger. He should not be the one to talk. He took drugs. He tried to kill himself. But he sat silently sipping from his glass. I felt frustrated.

Then my mobile began to ring. I turned to it so fast only to find out that it was just my mother. I hesitated. "Are you not going to get that?" Darshan who could see my phone screen asked me.

I took the call. She was just crying when I left. I was not sure how I should talk with her. But she was crying when I left. So... "Hello..." I asked.

"Hm..." Amma hesitated, "I was wondering if you reached alright."

"Yeah," I said, "I did..."

"Okay, good... good..." Amma said.

Then there was this long awkward silence.

"We went to Nikhil's house today... to visit his mother," Amma said. Oh1, "But Nikhil may have told you already, right?" No, he did not. And now I felt further hurt and upset about this. He did not call me even after my parents visited him?

"And I made sure your father talked to him in a better way today." Amma said, "I had a talk with him on the way there. I had told him that he should behave in a better way to his future son-in-law. He even called him by his name." Amma said, in a tone that suggested I should acknowledge her on that and thank her or something. It was like she was trying her best to earn back points. I don't know... I could not come to terms with this whole situation at all. Like why did she even need to earn points? I still felt bitter inside. I still felt disconnected from her.

"You should cut him some slack," Amma was going on. "He is struggling too."

"Who?" I asked.

"What do you mean who? Your father," She said. "He is an old man. He has lost his son too."

I felt that sick feeling bubbling up inside me. I did not know why I could not stop feeling sick about my parents. But that was just how the state of things are.

"Amma, I will call you later," I told her and hung up. Now I felt angrier than ever. I should call Nikhil. How dare he not call me? So I called Nikhil. He picked up. He did not even say 'hello'. He just picked up and stayed silent.

"You did not call me," I stated, fuming with anger.

"Well, you did not call me either," he stated back. I was dumbfounded with anger. And then he was simply silent again. I waited for him to speak. But he did not. And I did not want to speak now because I did not want to lose to him. But even the silence vibrated with anger and strong strained emotions between us.

"Well, that is that then..." Appu said finally, "You don't have anything to say, I don't have anything to say, so... Bye then."

Huh?

"Yeah. Bye then," I said, part challenging, because I did not want to lose, and part in disbelief. He won't actually hang up. He won't. He really won't... But then he did. He hung up. Son of a - I grabbed the closest thing I could grab and flung it at the wall. Only when it crashed to the wall and shattered spilling liquid and ice everywhere I realised that it was the glass of whiskey.

"Shit, I am sorry." I turned to Darshan. The glass pieces, ice and whiskey lay all over his floor.

"That was..." Darshan looked at me, "...so freaking awesome..." he screamed. His face lit up. And he broke into laughter.

I could not resist it, I felt myself smiling. "Well, that was oddly satisfying," I remember that urge to scream that I felt when I had that fight at home. And how I suppressed it. But that urge was there underlying somewhere... I felt like a part of that got satisfied by the glass smashing.

"You should smash things more often," Darshan commented. He already sounded drunk.

"I should..." I said, "can I?"

"Feel free, dude. Consider it is your house... I will tell you what..." he suddenly jumped up and went away. I was a bit confused but then when he came back, he was carrying the empty bottles from the balcony. We had not thrown it out that day because they can be sold or recycled.

He set the bottles by me. My eyes gleamed at the sight of them. I grabbed one and flung at the wall. It hit and smashed.

Strangely, very very very satisfying.

"Oh, yeah... Good one." Darshan yelled.

"Yeeeyhh.." I jumped up in excitement. Darshan switched off the Tv and put music in his music system. Loud party music. "Go for it." I grabbed the bottle and smashed it down too and felt the anger in me come down a bit. This was exciting.

A while later I was sitting up on Darshan's dining table and smashing my sixteenth bottle. "Here," Darshan gave me a glass of whiskey again. I rolled my eyes at him, but I was down this adrenaline rush lane already. I did not care anymore. I grabbed the glass and emptied it in one shot. It burned me inside.

"Hey, slow down..." Darshan said.

"More," I gave him the glass back.

He poured me another glass, "Now this time slow, okay?" He said. I nodded and grabbed the glass and drank from it. He jumped up and sat down on the table with me. "This won't break down, will it?" I asked him, looking at the table.

"Relax. The most that will happen is us hurting our butts." He laughed. At that time, it felt so funny that I started giggling. It was so damn funny... Why was it so funny? Wait, am I drunk already?? Or is it just the adrenaline?

The floor was filled with glass. And it gleamed in the yellow light from the ambience bulbs. "It's so beautiful," I commented looking around.

"Yeah," Darshan said, looking at the glass with me. "Yeah, it is..."

He had changed the music to soft jazz, and the mood was getting too beautiful. I felt uneasy again. I should bring back things to fun and casual again. "I will give you a thousand rupees if you can hit that spot between the bookshelf and TV stand with a bottle," I told him to change the mood.

"Wait, we are betting now?" He asked.

"Yup..." I handed him a bottle. He did not take it from me. "What happened?"

"What if I hit the TV by mistake?"

"Then I would have to give you thirty thousand rupees to buy a new one."

He laughed. "Fine, I'll do it. Then you can try too, and if you cannot hit the spot, then you really, really, actually have to give me the money."

"Yeah, I will. First, let's see if you can."

"I totally can." He said and flung the bottle. It hit the exact mentioned spot, smashed to the ground. "See. See...." He was excited.

"I can do it too," I was overcome with this absurd competitive mentality. I grabbed a bottle and flung it. It did not hit the spot, it just fell to the ground and rolled away. It did not break even. "Oh..." I tried to jump off the table to go get the bottle. "Wait, what are you doing?" Darshan grabbed my hand.

"Getting the bottle. It did not break...."

"Idiot, the floor is full of glass..." he pulled me back, quickly. I almost fell into him. Now I was looking into his eyes, and him into mine, too close.... And I saw something change in Darshan's eyes. The reflection of myself or a glimmer of light. But he held his breath.

What is this? This does not feel right. I don't like this.

I pushed away from him and sat back. Drunk as I was, my body felt unaffected by his closeness. Startled, but not attracted. As it should be. Or more like my heart and mind was taking someone else's name. The right person's name.

I breathed in and out. Suddenly it was oddly uncomfortable to stay with Darshan alone like this. "I should get home," I mumbled. I looked around and carefully got down from the table. "I am going..."

"I will drop you." He said.

"You are drunk. You can't drive. I will just get a cab." I mumbled. I walked on.

"Be careful," Darshan's voice was filled with concern behind me.

"I cut myself intentionally, Darsh." I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear, "I can handle a bit of broken glass." And then I was safely out of the door and gone.