I have nothing to say for once.... Although actually I do. I feel like my story is really confusing. To me it isn't but that's cause I'm the one writing it. So, I was wondering if it is confusing at times, cause then I was thinking that maybe I could do this Q and A thing. Like where you ask about the character or an event that has taken place that you didn't really understand and then I'd try to answer as best as I can without spoiling anything XD. At the end of this chapter, I'll write how the Q and A thing would work if I were to do it, but for now you may read. Oh but wait. Newt totally sneaks up behind Thomas in the showering scene in the trailer. Just saying. Now byeeee.

Showering together became a regular thing. Newt no longer had to hide, often slipping into one of Thomas' extra shirts afterwards, earning a smile from the other. It didn't always end with them making out, they'd sometimes just stand there and talk about their day, neither of them sharing much personal information with each other, but they were getting there.

Currently, they were standing underneath Thomas' shower, Newt behind Thomas with his arms wrapped around him. The younger boy had had a bad day, trying to set his mind off it. Newt was whispering into his ear, calming him as he held the other tightly, Thomas keeping his hands supported by the wall, looking down towards the shower drain.

"It's okay Tommy." Newt had shown significant amount of improvement these two past weeks, his ability to comfort his lover increasing a great amount. Newt was able to hold him properly when he was sad, and would always reassure him like Thomas did to Newt, and it meant the world to Thomas that the blonde had shown a progressive amount of effort in their relationship. It was no longer as dysfunctional as it had first been. Newt was still incapable of many things, but the fact that he was slowly and willingly trying to get better for Thomas was something special to both of them. It made Thomas happy, being able to help Newt as often as he could, hearing him out and so on. And Newt slowly felt a weight lift from his chest as he no longer had the constant worry that he had to hide things. He could trust Thomas. Sure, he never shared things willingly unless they slipped out or were brought up, but he shared when they did, and Thomas slowly got to know Newt bit by bit as the blonde threw aside his worries.

"Tommy, you're fine." But they both knew that that was a lie, Thomas visibly shaking as the other continued to hold him, resting his head on Thomas' back.

"I'm not though." Newt sighed, starting to give up at making the other feel better. But he knew that Thomas would never give up with him, and he was difficult, so he had to keep trying.

"It's not that bad." Except for Thomas it was. Newt understood why as he constantly had to deal with these things, but he had to lie if he wanted to dial down the situation.

"I just didn't think she'd do this so fast. But I should expect it after the way she treated my dad." Newt's curiosity peaked as he heard the last words being spoken, turning off the shower in front of him as he wrapped them both in two separate towels.

"How'd she treat your dad?" Thomas went out to his room and over to his bed, laying down whilst Newt went to lie beside him.

"Like he was the worst. Mum didn't treat me any better either." Newt was turned away from Thomas, the other boy not wanting to face him as he visibly saddened, but the blonde turned him around.

"Tell me more about it." Thomas didn't want to. After everything that had happened, he was surprised that his mother could even get joint custody with what she had done. He wasn't happy, of course he wasn't. And at the beginning of meeting Newt, he'd lied and said that he was only upset over moving around because of lacrosse. When really, it went a lot further than that.

"They'd yell at each other every night. She'd usually start it. And she didn't care if I came downstairs and saw everything. It was bad. And it became a more regular thing too. I was really scared because I was only six when it first happened, but then I got used to the yelling. And I'd lie in bed awake, hearing them screaming downstairs. It was awful. Then she started hitting my dad too... and eventually me." Newt looked at Thomas, seemingly disbelieving as he couldn't believe that he'd gone through something like this.

"And you still dare to live in a house with her?"

"I'm closer to you."

"Yea, but you moved here months before anything happened between us. Why didn't you leave?"

"I honestly have no idea. But even if I don't know why I didn't leave back then, I know why I'm not leaving now. I'm not gonna leave you here alone. Besides imagine how much the cost would go up for me if I had to drive here everyday to see you." Newt nodded along, but still not understanding the others decision of staying for him.

"You don't understand why I'm staying for you do you?" Thomas' words took Newt off guard, he hadn't thought that he'd become so easy to read after spending years of trying to close himself off from everyone, hiding away as if he didn't even exist.

"Not really, no." He admitted. Newt failed to understand these things, he failed to understand Thomas and his way of thinking. And he failed to see how much Thomas had fallen for him.

"Newt, we've known each other for almost a year. And we've been dating for about five months. You mean a lot to me by now. I don't want to leave you here. I'm not going to leave you here."

"But everyone leaves me."

"Then I'll be the first who stays." Newt wanted to believe Thomas' words, but something at the back of his mind clawed at him and told him that it was a lie. Everyone leaves. And he was already making a huge mistake by letting Thomas into his life, figuring things out as he went, only to leave Newt behind, broken into pieces one day. It was bound to happen, and now all Newt had to do was wait for it.

"Will you let me stay Newt?" Thomas gave him a look of desperation, worried that the other might say no. And Newt was thinking no, he really was. But he didn't dare to say it and hurt the other another time.

"Yes." He felt incredibly guilty when the other wrapped his arms tightly around him, incredibly happy as Newt turned sad. He was awful to Thomas, he knew that. It was like he was playing with him, trying to ruin him when that had never been his intention. He'd never meant to hurt Thomas, but he had so often, and now he was hurting himself by lying to his boyfriend.

"Let's sleep Newt." Newt was going to agree, but then he realized that his mum wanted him home, and he'd probably get a beating the next day if he never showed up. Thomas seemed to catch on, his happiness slowly fading away as his sadness made an appearance.

"Oh." Is all he said, and he looked close to crying as Newt pulled Thomas' arms away.

"She'll hurt me. I can't stay Tommy."

"I want you to stay." Newt bit his lip, getting up and pulling his jeans back on.

"I can't stay." They both knew that it was true. He had to leave when neither of them wanted to. It hurt both of them just as much, their hearts both breaking slowly as Newt got closer to being dressed and leaving.

He didn't dare to say another word to Thomas. Rushing down the stairs and giving Thomas' mum a nod, who was currently cooking something in the kitchen. She was probably trying to cheer Thomas up after he'd caught her with another man by cooking for him, and Newt really hoped that it failed to work after what he'd heard that she'd done.

What he hadn't heard, was the barely audible "I love you." that Thomas had mumbled after he left the room and shut the door. Because Thomas had now admitted to himself that he did love Newt, but he didn't dare to tell him yet.

He didn't think that Newt was ready to hear those words from him. No matter how real they were to Thomas, they may be a lie to the other, and he needed Newt to believe him when he'd say it. He meant it, but Newt's mind set was to think that no one could love him, and in turn, he could not love.

Of course he was wrong, falling for Thomas as well. It wasn't as fast as it had been with Thomas falling for Newt, working at a slower pace instead. And he wasn't able to catch onto the feeling as fast as Thomas was, which may've been a good thing because he may've ended up trying to hide from it. Not being able to face his fear of loving someone else and that person loving one back.

Newt was about to start his walk home, but the pain in his heart became unbearable the further away he went, and he couldn't do it. So he turned around again, going back to Thomas' and ignoring his mind telling him to run home if he wanted to avoid more bruises. But Newt had slowly come to think that maybe Thomas was worth it, and while it did scare him, it also made him excited.

He slowly walked inside, not bothering to knock, and Thomas' mum gave him a strange look as he ignored her, walking upstairs instead. Newt walked into Thomas' room, but Thomas wasn't there, and he suddenly wondered where the other could've possibly gone in such a short amount of time.

"Newt?" Newt jumped and turned around, seeing Thomas standing there in only his sweatpants. Neither of them said anything, both of them standing there for a few seconds before the blonde made a move. He walked up to Thomas and pulled their lips together in a kiss, the other responding and wrapping his arms around Newt. They both couldn't help but smile as Thomas pulled them over to the bed, Newt gently shoving him as they fell onto the mattress, locking their lips together again. But then Thomas pulled away.

"I thought you had to leave?"

"I do have to leave." Thomas sat up, Newt automatically going with him as he was on top.

"Then why are you back here?" The blonde sighed. He was horrible at explaining himself, or sounding reasonable, and he had no clue how he could quickly end this conversation so that they could kiss again. Because Newt loved to kiss Thomas, and he craved the feeling of the others lips almost every hour of the day.

"I wanted to stay." Thomas smiled, trying to hide it because he didn't want Newt to know that the words he spoke were making his heart flutter.

"You said you can't."

"And now I say I don't care." Newt ended the conversation there, kissing Thomas once again and making them fall back down onto the bed. He was willingly risking the consequences he'd receive so that he could be with Thomas for a little longer, because Newt had gradually come to accept that the other made him happy, and he didn't want to leave his happiness behind.

At the same time, he didn't want Thomas to be his only source of happiness, because that would make losing him so much worse. Newt would lose himself. The only thing he knew (or had come to know) taken just like that. And that very thought was unbearable to Newt, and he tried not to think that way as he ran his fingers along Thomas' bare chest.

"Newt." Both of them pulled away, Newt confused as to why Thomas stopped again. And now he assumed the worst.

"Am I a bad kisser?" Thomas shook his head, slightly baffled by what he had just been asked, and he made sure Newt knew that that wasn't the case.

"No. Newt you're amazing at kissing and I love to kiss you. I just panicked for a moment I guess." Now it was Newt's turn to look confused, as he failed to understand what he meant.

"Panicked?"

"Your hands on my skin make me nervous. And then you ran them up and down my chest and I lost it for a minute."

"But we've done this countless times before."

"And I've been nervous about it countless times before." Newt got off Thomas, hurt that the other had never told him any of this previously.

"Why would you be nervous Tommy?"

"Because one day we might not just stop after kissing." And once again, Newt was lost. Unaware of what he should say to calm the other down. To assure him that he had nothing to be nervous about. But Newt understood where he was coming from because he was nervous too. Neither of them knew when they'd take the next step, and both of them were waiting. Every time they kissed, it was a risk for it going further, but they never did.

At this rate though, it could happen at any time. They showered together a lot, they ended up kissing a lot, and they slept beside each other almost every night. Newt and Thomas should've been more surprised about the fact that it hadn't happened yet than to be nervous about it.

Besides, there was nothing to be nervous about, but neither of them knew that. Thomas would never hurt Newt, so the worry of that happening was off the list. And Newt would never agree unless he wasn't a hundred percent sure of what they were doing and where it would lead.

"I thought we went through this."

"We did."

"And yet you still talk about it. Like sex is the only thing on your mind."

"Well I'm sorry if I'm thinking about it. And I'm sorry if it makes me nervous. And I'm damn sorry that I bring it up so much. I just can't help it. I don't want to screw up. I can't afford to screw up."

"You don't need to worry about screwing things up. It's like you said once. When it happens, it happens. And I also recall you saying that it should be a little messy anyways to reflect us. It shouldn't be perfect, because perfection doesn't even exist in the first place."

"You exist." He said.

"And I think we both know I'm far from being perfect." They stayed quiet, Newt's breathing still quick in pace as he had raised his voice a minute ago. Thomas took Newt's hand in his and nodded, drawing circles on the others hand to soothe him.

"You're right. I'll stop bringing it up. Go home, Newt." Newt was suddenly scared. Had he angered Thomas? Had he upset him once again by speaking his mind?

"Y-you want me to leave?" Thomas seemed to understand then that the blonde had taken his words to heart, and his eyes widened as he quickly spoke again.

"Not because I want you gone. Please don't think that I want you gone. I just don't want you to get in any trouble. And I'll be happier knowing you're safe at home because you're on time, then knowing that you might be hurt because you're late."

"Tommy..." But Thomas didn't let him finish speaking, and Newt knew that it was useless to try.

"Please?" And then Newt got up another time, kissing Thomas' forehead before he went to leave. Not returning for a second time that night.

Instead, he ran home in the rain to the best of his ability, his limp holding him back from running at the speed he used to be able to run at. It made him sad, because he used to love running, but now he was barely able to.

When he finally came home, he unlocked the door only to see that he was surrounded by darkness, so either it meant his mum wasn't home, or she was busy upstairs with some stranger she'd brought back. Newt prayed that it wasn't the later, but he wasn't so lucky as he heard his mum screaming out in pleasure, and he winced at the sound.

But he couldn't go to Thomas' for a third time, so he rushed over to his room instead. Locking the door shut before going over to his speaker system. If he was gonna survive tonight alone, he needed music. Newt settled on The Fray, as he'd always liked them since he was young and had every single record of them that they'd released.

He tried to block out all other sound, but it was definitely proven to be difficult, and he didn't know what to do. Newt was bored, his mum was busy, and he couldn't call Thomas. He'd feel like a disturbance if he would, so he kept himself from doing so.

Instead, he sat on the sink in his bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror, counting every single flaw he found as he went. Newt hated himself, and the fact that his appearance didn't do him any favors, worsened it. Everything that could possibly be wrong with Newt, was wrong, and it frustrated him. He hated it. He hated not being flawless. And it angered him to the point where he had had enough of looking at himself in the mirror, so he smashed it instead. Shards of glass falling into the sink and onto the counter he was seated on. Newt was sure that he wanted to be dead in that moment as blood appeared on his knuckles that were slowly bruising, discolored and throbbing.

He was in pain, and he could feel that he was. But he didn't think that it had much to do with the fact that he'd broken a mirror just now and that it hurt due to the amount of strength he had put into it. Newt was a lot stronger than he looked, and if he wanted to, he could cause damage. Which is what he had just done, except it was to a mirror. But the physical pain he felt was somehow laced into emotional pain that had crawled its way back to him through the day.

Newt wanted to fade. He wanted to never exist in a place he thought of as his own hell. And sure, you could blame him for creating it, but once you create something, you can't just make it disappear. And hell was a very complex place for Newt. A place he sometimes failed to understand himself. But he knew it was his fault that it existed. Everything was his fault. All the bad things in his life had been caused by himself. And Newt knew then that the only reason his life was so miserable was because he'd made it that way. Newt was his own worst enemy.

And it would've stayed that way if it weren't for Thomas. Before Thomas, all Newt was able to see was utter darkness. Nothing but black in front of his eyes as he looked around. Then Thomas came, and he could suddenly see the way out of where he was. But it would take time to get where he wanted to go. And at times, Newt wasn't so sure if that's what he really wanted.

Did he really want to get better? Or was he doing it to keep Thomas happy? He never wanted to upset Thomas, and he knew that if he were to change, the other would be happy with him. But he didn't want to get better. He loved hell more then the heaven that Thomas was trying to pull him to. And the only reason he was considering it was because of his lover.

It shouldn't be like that. Newt knew that if he wanted something, he should try to get it. But he didn't want to improve for himself. He wanted it for Thomas' sake. And that's why he always failed to succeed. Because he never really wanted to change for himself, but for someone else. It wouldn't work that way.

And now Newt gave up. He'd fully crumbled into pieces. His heart wasn't being held together anymore as he realized it was hopeless. Newt knew that Thomas would be disappointed, but he'd have to accept it. This is who Newt was. He was hopeless, he was done for, broken, torn, useless. Newt was so many things, and now he'd given up on changing them. Because it wasn't possible with Newt.

Newt couldn't be fixed. And Thomas was likely to refuse to accept that, but he knew it was true. Smashing the mirror was what did it for him, he was done trying. There was no point to it anymore. Besides, he knew he was likely to die soon anyways if he continued on a reckless path like the one he was on, and he was slowly starting to accept it. Maybe death wouldn't be so bad now that he'd lived. Seventeen years was enough for him, half of it being miserable years. At least the end could be remembered as something happy, because Thomas was a part of the end.

"I'm sorry you couldn't fix me Tommy." He didn't want to cry again. Newt always felt weakened when he did, but he couldn't help it. Maybe he'd gotten his hopes up, praying that Thomas could do something. But it would've taken a miracle, a miracle that did not happen.

And Newt was slowly coming to terms with the fact that he had been done with living a long time ago, and that he'd been dead in a live body this whole time. He thought that maybe he was just not cut out to be in this world that had been so cruel to him. Or maybe he had been cruel to himself, giving him the pain, constantly causing worry to himself.

He was a mess. Uneven scars littered his body beyond repair, damaging him on the outside. And the inside didn't look any better. Newt had created emotional scars on himself that were almost worse than the physical ones, and he was now over everything. He couldn't think right, he couldn't act right, he couldn't do anything right. And people made sure that he knew that he always screwed up. No matter how hard he tried not to. And if they didn't remind him, he'd remind himself. He no longer wanted to try. Newt didn't see the point in putting so much effort and energy into something that would not give him a good result.

It was like he'd relapsed in a way, because Thomas had helped him. Newt knew that he had. But now he was crumbling, falling to pieces as he smashed them apart himself, and he was going back to the person he was before Thomas. Hopeless and sad. Miserable even. But this time he was oddly okay with it.

Or maybe he wasn't, because now he knew what it was like to be happy. Thomas had given him that happiness that he never thought he'd deserved, but received anyway because the other was so loving to him. Newt missed it as soon as it went away, deteriorating into nothing as it no longer existed without Thomas. He missed Thomas' presence as soon as it was gone, and for a while he had tried to find other ways to cope. But he was back at square one now. It's not like he'd made a significant improvement, so going back to where he once was wasn't much of a difference. Only one thing stood out. Newt had been hopeful, thinking that maybe Thomas could do something. Help him and get him out of the mess he'd thrown himself into. But instead he'd dragged Thomas along with him. He'd really hoped. And he'd believed that maybe there was a small chance that it could work.

But now he'd given up. And unbeknownst to him, Thomas was too.

Okay, so if I were to do the Q and A thing (Not sure yet), then it would probably go up the next time I update or the time after that depending on. So chapter 14 or 15. Any question is fine really, but there are a few things I probably won't be able to answer. For ex, questions that I could only answer by spoiling something, which I'm obviously not gonna do.

This is how it would work, you ask a question, either by comment or as a message if you don't want others to know that it was your question, and then I'll try to answer it as best as I can. I'll post the questions along with the answers on my message board so that you can look through them and see if you got a satisfying answer. I'll try to have at least 2-7 sentences for each so it's not just a one word answer, but that's basically how it would work. Also, even if you're not confused and just want one of these Q and A's then that's fine too. I can still do it. Oh and the next chapter is gonna be so exciting like ahhhhh.