Chapter 41: Weakness

"Wala ka bang ginagawa? I mean, how 'bout your girlfriend? Ba't 'di mo kasama?" I asked Kent the moment I sat on the couch after getting changed.

"Hindi pa naman kami live-in kaya huwag kang mag-expect na buong araw kaming magkadikit... pero sana nga, namiss ko na agad, e," he answered, pouting.

I chuckled. "So clingy. Galing ka university?"

He nodded.

"Same university kayo?" usisa ko pa.

He looked at me suspiciously. "Kung hindi lang kita kilala baka isipin ko talaga interesado ka sa girlfriend ko. 'Di ka naman siguro part ng LGBT?"

I scowled. "How bold of you to assume. I was just curious, and hey, I am straight!"

He shrugged in relief. "Yeah, blockmate ko rin same course kinuha namin."

"Really? So, ganyan ka ka-clingy? Pati sa college ay nakabuntot ka?" I innocently asked.

He held his chest dramatically. "Grabe ka, pero parang ganoon na nga. I mean, ayos lang sa 'kin atsaka hindi ko na pakakawalan iyon kaya kahit saang sulok iyan pumunta, bubuntot ako r'yan," he said pertaining to his girlfriend, Allison.

"You're head over heels," I stated.

"I am, at sa kaniya lang," he proudly said.

Ibang klase ma-in love ang isang 'to.

"Bakit ka nandito? Hihintayin mo rin si Zian?" I asked again, sitting properly while waiting for an answer from Kent. Nakaupo siya sa monobloc na katapat ko.

"Oo, sana. Atsaka samahan na kita habang wala pa siya."

I arched a brow. "E, dapat girlfriend mo samahan mo."

"Kakahatid ko lang sa kaniya kanina. Galing kaming date no'n bago ako umuwi."

"Saan naman kayo nagdate?"

"Grabe, interesado ka na ba talaga sa lovelife namin?"

I made a face.

"Diyan lang sa mall, ikot-ikot wala pa rin naman kaming time para pumunta sa malayo, e. Ayos na iyon at least nakasama ko pa rin siya."

I nodded as I looked down.

Ang tagal ni Zian.

"Umuwi ka na lang siguro, ako na lang maghihintay sa kaniya," I said after a while.

Pinakiramdaman ako ni Kent hanggang sa tumayo siya. "Inom?"

My brows furrowed. "Huh?"

He didn't answer me and just turned his back, dumiretso siya sa isang pinto. Maya-maya bumalik siya na mayroong bitbit na beer in can.

"You know what? Nagka-usap kami niyan ni Zian kasi nagsumbong si Ari sa 'kin. Hindi ko rin maintindihan, e." He put down the can in front of me before he got back on his seat.

I didn't respond and just took the can before opening it. "What are you trying to say?" I asked after I drank on it.

I licked my lower lip when I tasted how heaven this cold beer was.

"Ayos lang ba kayo ni Zian?"

I sighed. "We're not. Nandito nga ako para kausapin siya. Ano'ng problema ng pinsan mong 'yan?"

He pursed his lips and shrugged. "'Di ko rin alam, ayaw magsalita."

A moment of silence.

"You know what? Sigurado naman akong may valid reasons siya. Hindi naman ganiyan si Zian, halos kabisado ko ikot ng bituka ng lokong 'yon. S'yempre, kahit naman ako magtataka kung kailan nagka-girlfriend na siya atsaka pa siya nagkaganiyan..." He then chuckled and sat properly. "Kung masama lang akong tao, iisipin ko talaga na baka wala talagang tamang tao, iyong nakalaan para sa kaniya."

I glared at him. "You're so mean!"

He laughed. "Baka lack of experience lang iyon kasi ikaw una. Atsaka trust me, may deep reasons iyan si Zian. Huwag ka muna magalit sa kaniya, malaki tiwala ko roon."

"Pang-ilan mo si Allison?" I suddenly asked when I noticed he speaks like he's an expert.

"Una rin, atsaka wala na rin akong balak na sundan o palitan iyon. Nakatatak na iyon dito," aniya sabay turo sa dibdib niya.

I rolled my eyes. "Ang corny mo."

He laughed again. "Bitter ka lang kasi hindi ganiyan si Zian sa 'yo."

Lalong sumama ang mukha ko. "Are you provoking me?" Even Zian has no time for me right now, he gave me enough love that won't make me ask for more.

He shook his head and tried to hide the smile on his face. "Sabihin mo na lang kay Zian na magpaturo siya sa 'kin. Pinsan ko pa naman sana, pero ayaw magreach-out para matuto ng mga galawan."

I drank on my beer. "Look how we ended up like this. Nakikipag-inuman ka na sa 'kin!"

He raised his hands in surrender. "Huwag ka mag-assume, gusto ko lang damayan ka. Para kahit papaano hindi ka lalong magtampo sa pinsan ko," he defended.

"What if your girlfriend gets mad?"

His lips parted. "Shit, teka lang." He then took his phone out and fiddled with it.

Maya-maya ay inilagay niya iyon sa tainga. "Hello, darling?" he said on the phone.

"Are you already in bed? Gusto mo ba malaman kung nasaan ako at ano ang ginagawa ko ngayon?"

I mentally frowned.

"Parang tanga, Keiro Blint! Ano ba trip mo?" I heard Allison on the other line when Kent put it into a loud speaker.

"FaceTime," Kent mouthed at me, and even directed the camera in my direction.

I squinted my eyes and saw Allison's face, she was already laying on bed, I guess, because of the pillow she's hugging near her face.

"Sino iyan? May kasama kang babae ngayon? Nandiyan ba mga kaibigan mo?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni Allison nang bawiin na ni Kent ang screen.

"Si Audrey iyon. Ang ganda naman talaga ng mahal ko, gusto mo puntahan kita r'yan?"

I almost scoffed. Ganiyan ba talaga siya? Napairap na lang ako at hinayaan siyang makipag-usap sa girlfriend niya.

"Sinamahan ko lang, wala pa kasi si Zian, e. Naalala mo iyong sabi ko tungkol kay Zian?"

"Pinag-uusapan niyo si Zian?" I butt in, narrowing my eyes on him.

He grinned at me. "Medyo lang. Wala kaming mapag-usapan, e, atsaka hindi rin naman nagtagal no'ng bigla akong nakaramdam ng selos."

Ba't naman niya pagseselosan si Zian?

I shook my head in a joke way. Naubos ko na lang iyong isang can ng beer, wala pa ring Zian na sumusulpot.

It took some minutes before Kent let her girlfriend hung the call up. Allison has no problem to Kent being with me, bukod sa hindi naman siya selosa ay wala rin dapat siyang ipag-alala.

"Wait lang, tumawag si Jace, e." Kent stood and walked away.

I shut my eyes closed, silently praying for Zian to come home quickly.

"Uhm, Audrey. Inaantok ka na ba? Gusto mo ihatid na kita sa inyo baka kasi alam mo na..."

I opened my eyes and saw Kent awkwardly standing there.

I merely shook my head.

"O 'di kaya sa taas ka na matulog habang naghihintay kay Zian?"

"It's fine, really. What's the matter, anyway?"

"Wala naman, tumawag kasi si Jace. May hinihingi kasi siyang documents kay Zian, e, hindi rin daw sumasagot sa tawag kaya tinawag ko na lang papunta rito."

I nodded. "Shall I go for privacy?"

Biglang nanlaki ang mata niya at nagpailing-iling. "Of course not, I was just reminding you. Yayain natin si Jace." He wiggled his eyebrows.

I scoffed. "Ang hyper mo. It's up to you, okay lang."

"Anyway, baka mabugbog ako ni Zian na pinainom kita tapos 'di ka pa pala kumain. Kumain ka na?"

And that was when I felt hunger.

I stood. "I'll cook..."

He looked at me in amusement. "Sure ka?"

I hissed and rolled my eyes. "Mukha ba akong nagbibiro?"

He chuckled. "Chill, sama na rin ako habang hinihintay natin si Jace, tagal naman ni Zian."

We both headed to kitchen to mess up. May alam ako, pero hindi sapat. Lalo na itong kasama ko na mukhang wala talagang alam.

"Naalala ko noong nagluto si Allison, pinakulo niya muna iyong mantika. Huwag mo muna ilalagay iyang karne baka tumalsik sa 'tin lahat iyong mantika."

I glared at him. "Mukha ba akong bobo?"

His lips parted before giving me his charming smile. "Sorry na kung naoffend ka."

"Not really," I said as I put the meat in the pan.

"What the hell?!" we exclaimed in unison.

The pan just produced fire!

"Tubig! Buhusan mo ng tubig!"

"Just do anything!" I yelled as I pushed him to do something.

Nagsimulang kumalat iyong itim na usok galing sa pan tapos may apoy pa rin. Hindi rin ako makalapit dahil baka matalsikan ako ng mantika or worse, masunog ako!

"Hindi ako marunong dyan! Patayin mo iyong apoy, Audrey!" he yelled back, pushing me.

What the hell.

"Mamaya ka sa 'kin!" I threatened as I did my best to come near the stove and quickly turned it off. Nagwisik-wisik pa ako ng tubig para sana mawala iyong apoy kaya lang lalong nagalit iyong mantika. "Ah, shit." I groaned before blowing an air on my hand.

"Luh, napaso ka?!" he exclaimed.

"You're annoying! Sabi ko patayin mo, e!"

"E, natatakot din ako, e."

"You're such a kitchen disaster!" I annoyingly said.

Gosh, buti na lang marunong magluto si Zian baka kung si Kent ang naging boyfriend ko, bukod sa makakasunog kami baka mamatay pa kami sa gutom.

"Ako pa sinisisi, e, ikaw nga 'yon!"

"Because you're talking to me, iyan tuloy 'di ko napansin! Ayaw mo pa patayin iyong apoy!"

He was about to answer back when we heard a voice.

"Nagtutulakan pa kayo, e, pareho naman kayong kitchen disaster. Patay talaga kayo kay Zian kapag nakita niya iyong kusina niya."

We both looked at where it came from. And there, wearing a white button down shirt and slacks, Jace boredly leaning his head against the wall while looking at us.

I cleared my throat and glanced at Kent. "Take the blame."

"Luh, ba't ako?"

I glared at him.

"Ano ba ang ginagawa niyo?"

"Nagluluto kami, 'tol."

Jace tsked. "Dapat nag-order ka na lang kaysa makasunog pa kayo ng kusina."

Nagkatinginan ulit kami ni Kent.

"Bobo, oo nga, 'no?" Kent said to himself after realizing it.

I rolled my eyes and went back to clean the mess we made.

"I'll order," Jace said. "Just clean that up first, Kent. Sama ka, Audrey?"

I shook my head. "No, thanks. Iyan isama mo, ako na rito."

THERE are different foods on the table. The two guys were sitting on their respective seats.

"So, what's up?" Jace started.

We're really not close, kaya hindi ako basta-basta magsasalita. As of Kent naman, madaldal siya kaya mapapadaldal ka na rin.

"About Zian," Kent answered.

"Oh, that. Victoriane told me about it."

"Lagi niyo bang topic si Zian?" I intervened.

I don't like the idea of them conspiring against Zian. I knew he's being unfair to me for not telling the reason, but after I read the letter he gave, I somehow felt and understood him kaya kung may marinig ako na hindi maganda tungkol sa kaniya ay ipagtatanggol ko talaga siya.

"Of course not, nasabi lang. Did you call him?" Jace asked me.

I shook my head. "Why would I call him, e, hindi niya rin naman sasagutin?" I answered before digging up.

"This was just my opinion, okay? But I guess... you have to understand him," si Jace.

I creased my forehead.

"I mean, I know it's hard for him to deal whatever his problem is. Hindi niya naman ginusto na maipit sa sitwastyon na iyon, right? He just need to finish it with or without choice."

Kent sighed. "Ang hirap intindihin, pero alam kong may rason. I don't wanna judge beforehand, may tiwala ako roon at alam kong hindi siya gagawa ng bagay na sadya para lang makapanakit," si Kent.

I was just listening to their share of opinion while looking down on my food.

"Sure, Zian loves you, we all know that. That guy can't be a cheater, I assure you that. May kapatid na babae iyan kaya alam niya iyong pakiramdam kapag nasasaktan," si Jace ulit na para bang may naalala siya.

"Wala lang talaga siyang pagpipilian kasi kilala ko 'yon kung may choice lang siya noon pa baka nga wala siya sa sitwastyon na iyon ngayon. Complicated talaga."

I breathed.

Of course, I know all of that. Pero kasi kahit intindihin ko, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang masaktan. Siguro kung malaman ko iyong rason, mas mababawasan iyong bigat.

Natapos iyong pag-uusap at inuman namin nang walang sumulpot na Zian. I was already tired and sleepy kaya naman pagkatapos nailigpit ni Kent, nagpaalam na rin si Jace.

"Dito ka matutulog?" Kent asked after he got back in the living room.

I nodded. "Ikaw umuwi ka na, hihintayin ko pa 'yon."

"Sure ka, Audrey? Malabo nang umuwi iyon, kinakabahan na nga ako ba't 'di pa umuuwi."

"Do you think he's okay right now?" I wondered.

"Sana, ayos lang iyon, magiging maayos din."

I nodded. Pinauwi ko na si Kent kaya ako na lang ang mag-isa sa bahay ni Zian. Daddy even texted me, and I explained to him why I still wasn't in home. Sabi ko rito ako magpapalipas at wala akong gagawing kabulastugan kung iyon ang nasa isip niya.

And I didn't notice I fell asleep on the couch if it weren't because of the sobs I heard somewhere.

I slowly opened my eyes. I first noticed the blanket covered on my body. Nakahiga na rin ako, na sa pagkaka-alala ko ay nakaupo ako kanina.

The living room was a bit dark, the lights were already dim and I didn't remember turning off the lights earlier.

I wandered my eyes around.

Until I saw someone...

No, he's just not someone.

It's Zian.

Kahit medyo madilim ay naaaninag ko pa rin siya sa malapit. His elbows were resting on his thigh while covering his face with his hands.

His sobs.

Is he crying... again?

"G-God, help me to get through these trials... please."

My lips parted as my tears quickly formed in my eyes after hearing him uttered those words.

He's silently praying and begging God to help him with the trials he's facing.

I don't know how to react, but I still did something. "Zian..." I called in my low voice.

I saw how he stiffened.

Seconds passed, he's still not moving, so I decided to stand and walked towards him.

"Zian," I called again.

"P-Persian." His voice broke.

I bit my lower lip, trying to stop my tears to fall. Somewhere in my chest throbbed as I witnessed the weak part of Zian. 

My love for him got stronger after seeing him in his weakest.

"I am here..." I whispered softly as I slowly sat beside him.

"S-Sorry for waking you up..." he said, stuttering with his weary voice.

He faced the other side to wipe his tears before slowly looking at my direction.

When I saw his face I have felt mixed emotions inside me. I don't know whether I'd be happy seeing him or not.

Dark circles were visible and puffy eyes from crying yet I could still admire the eyes I am in love with.

He looked worn out. I never saw him this tired. What did Lorraine do to look Zian like this?

I even noticed a cut right beside his lips.

Did he get into a fight?

"Gosh, Zian... what happened to you?" I whispered in pain.

My hands were trembling a bit when I held his face, gently carressing it.

Yet he didn't answer and just intently looked at me with no emotions written at all.

"K-Kaya mo pa ba?" Even my voice broke.

And that triggered him to produce another batch of tears.

He merely shook his head. "Gusto ko nang sumuko..." he confessed while looking at me straight in the eyes. His tears started to flow like a river.

I felt a sudden stab on my chest.

I bit my lower lip while trying to wipe his tears. Hindi maubos-ubos dahil sunod-sunod din ang pagpatak ng mga luha niya.

"Can I have a hug?" he asked with his pleading eyes.

He didn't let me speak when he closed our gap.

"Zian!" saway ko nang tuluyan na siyang yumakap sa 'kin at humagulgol.

"Oh, God..." I covered my mouth to stifle a sob. I don't wanna cry right now especially when he already did.

Zian was sobbing on my neck while he's hugging me while tightly gripping on the hem of his shirt I was wearing.

I just let him fill the room with his cries and sobs. He looked like a kid right now, crying over something.

It was fine with me, him showing me his weakness. I don't want him to hide it on himself, so seeing him cry just gave me more reasons to love him.

He's a guy, and it's rare to see a guy crying. But like girls, boys have feelings too. They both share equal rights. They're still humans, and Zian showing weakness doesn't make him less of a man.

I was just tapping his back constantly while my eyes closed. When I felt him stopped; I opened my eyes.

"Let's sleep? You're already tired, let's deal with this tomorrow, shall we?" I whispered, hugging him tightly.

I felt him nodded on my neck. "Can... can you... sleep beside me?" he mumbled.

A faint smile appeared on my face. "Of course, I'll stay with you..."

He slowly lifted his head to look up at me. "I love you..." he said, his lips quivered.

I breathed and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much, too..."

Pinainom ko muna siya ng tubig bago kami sabay na umakyat at pumasok ng kuwarto niya. He took a half-bath first before got himself on the bed.

He barely looked at me. 

"Sabi mo tabi tayo... bakit ang layo mo?" I asked him. There's a space between us.

He looked at me, pouting.

I let out a small smile and pat the space beside me. He quickly obliged and buried his face on the side of my body while hugging me on waist.

He needs it. He needs to rest first before we talk about us and his priorities.

I am sure I will understand it.

We stayed silent for like a decades. Only our heavy breathing be heard. I was resting my body on the head board, carressing his hair, when I spoke up.

"Zian... won't you give me a good night something?" I whispered, copying his line before. I also noticed that's already 2 AM in the morning.

He looked at me and quickly got off from laying. "P'wede?" he hesitantly asked.

"Why are you asking? Of course," I bantered.

He looked down. "I don't wanna get you mad... baka kasi ayaw mo."

I smiled as I looked at his cute gestures.

"Ako ayaw? Ako na nga hahalikan ako pa aayaw?" I vurgarly stated. "Come one, even before I became your girlfriend, I was always asking you for a kiss... tapos ngayon sasabihin mo na baka magalit at umayaw ako? Seriously?"

Zian licked lower lip while staring at me in amusement. "Okay," he said with excitement laced in his voice.

I smiled in genuine.

And when I looked at him again, I caught how his eyes twinkled and just like that... a small smile appeared on his lips.

That smile. I will always long for that smile.

Slowly... he leaned closer until our lips were just only an inch away from each other.

"Ang bagal mo," nauurat na sabi ko bago siya ipulupot ang braso sa leeg niya palapit sa 'kin.

Our lips touched... again after weeks of being away from each other.

He deepened the kiss until I was already lying. My heart sank, but... in ease.

How could he make me forget about the pain I have felt earlier in just a kiss?