44|Best Friend
I've imagined this conversation plenty of times in my head. After all, Liam and I never truly spoke about why we broke up. He was leaving for college in Wyoming, and we claimed it was because of the distance, but deep down, we knew there were underlying reasons, but neither of us wanted to hurt the other.
And I've wanted to have this conversation with him. There are so many questions I've needed to ask, but never in my wildest imagination did I believe we'd be having this conversation in the middle of paradise the night before Everett's sister's wedding.
Liam raps his fingers on the doorway, another nervous habit of his. "Can we talk?" He repeats.
A part of me wants to tell him no. Everett just walked out on me to go to his hut to spend the night. What will he do if he figures out Liam isn't there? Even worse, what if he comes back to find both of us in here together and jumps to even more conclusions?
I should search for him, but if there's anything I know about myself, nothing will be productive when I'm this angry and upset. I'll spew at the mouth, say the first thing that comes to mind, and we'll both end up more heartbroken than when we started the fight.
"We can," I decide, "but can we go to the beach or something?"
He nods and steps away from the door, allowing me to pass by him. We walk together silently down the docks, the tension so thick I could cut it with a knife. Liam and I have never had an issue with communication, so the lapse in conversation is almost deafening.
I should have put on a sweater. It's the only thing I can think of as the wind from the water whips through my hair, and it bothers the hell out of me that Liam doesn't offer me his sweatshirt. He wouldn't, considering after the first time he offered all those years ago when we were dating, and it didn't fit. I wouldn't expect him to offer, but my heart wrenches at the memory of waking up in Everett's t-shirt, the fabric falling below my knees. It hasn't even been an hour of him being gone, and I already miss the feel of his arms around me.
When we reach the beach, we sit in the sand where the water almost touches our feet. It's pitch black out here, aside from Liam's flashlight on his phone, which he places between us before releasing a deep sigh. He won't even make eye contact with me.
"Liam, I—"
He shakes his head, covering my hand with his. "Please, don't. I need to go first, okay? I'm afraid I won't be able to do it if I don't." A few beats, and then, "When I moved to Wyoming for college, it wasn't just to get away from Los Angeles. You know as well as I do how my family can be...judgmental when it comes to life decisions, and when I got to Wyoming, it felt like I could be myself for the first time. I didn't have to continue putting on a show every single day of my life. It was exhausting, and the only way I could get through it was you, Emery. You were my best friend, and there were so many times I wanted to..." He sighs heavily, his hand beginning to shake against mine. "Our relationship was my saving grace, but it's also the reason I carry so much fucking guilt."
A knife seems to dig into my chest for the second time tonight. "You regret our relationship?"
"I don't regret our relationship, but I regret stealing valuable time away from you. I carry the guilt of ripping you away from the person you should have been with from the start."
My heart skips a beat. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." Sending me a sheepish smile, he squeezes my hand. "It's okay, Emery. I know."
Those first words are my breaking point, and not in a good way. I'm devastated. If he knows that Everett and I are dating, and he's fine with it? We just had this massive fight for nothing. So much of our relationship we spent holding our breath and tip-toeing around Liam finding out when it could have all been this easy? It doesn't seem fair.
"I'm ashamed to say that I've known for years it was always Everett, but I did nothing to push you in the right direction. Instead, I was selfish, wanting to keep you to myself, so I continued wearing the stupid mask. But I regret it now."
"You don't..." I furrow my brows, utterly perplexed. "Why would you regret that, Liam? I was your girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have me by your side instead of his, and I'm so sorry if I overstepped or made you feel—"
"I'm gay," he blurts in a hushed whisper, barely audible.
I blink.
Once.
Twice.
Three times before I say, "What?"
"I'm gay," he repeats. "I've been gay since we started dating. I may not have wanted it to be true then, but I fought it. I knew what being gay would mean for me. My family would disapprove, and it would be challenging for me to be who I was, so I tried to be straight. Hell, I wanted to be straight. It would have made things a lot easier."
My stomach is churning, and all the insecurities I've held onto my entire life about how I've looked steadily rise to the surface, begging to be set free. Because Liam's truth means it was never me. My body was perfect. Fucking me in the dark wasn't because I wasn't attractive, but because I genuinely wasn't his type, those reasonings being beyond my control. He didn't want to have sex with me because he's gay.
"In high school, it was obvious you and Everett had a thing for each other. I wasn't blind. But you never told me that you wanted to break up, so I didn't mention that I knew anything, either, wanting to hold onto you for as long as possible. Not only because it kept my mask up in front of my parents but because you were my best fucking friend, Emery. Even over Everett. We did everything together, you know? I was afraid that if I told you..." His voice wavers, and tears of my own slip free.
"I didn't want you to resent me and disappear. I couldn't handle it if you did. Looking back, it was wrong what I did to you. I should have said something when we split before I left for college, but I wasn't ready to come out yet, and leaving to an entirely new state, I didn't want to lose you as my friend. We all went our separate ways, and I thought that was the end of it, but then I went on vacation with Everett's family this past Christmas, and when Everett snuck off to the bathroom during one of our dinners, Izzy couldn't shut up about how much he still talks about you. He's been in love with you for years, Emery, so when I found out you were about to get evicted, I knew Everett would take you in. In a way, I thought I was atoning for keeping you away for so long, but you both were so fucking loyal to me that you fought your feelings for each other tooth and nail. I'm so grateful to have you both in my life, and if that means gaining the courage to come out so you can finally be together, then so be it."
With a hand over my chest, I begin to sob. Not for me, but for him. To have kept this a secret his entire life and pretended to be someone he wasn't? I know how strict his parents are. If he were to have come out to them, he would have been kicked out or, even worse, wholly disowned from his family. He just admitted I was his lifeline during the worst time of his life, and although I should probably be upset that years were taken away from Everett and me, my feelings are the least of my concerns right now.
Liam isn't just my best friend. He's Everett and my best friend. If presented with a choice all those years ago, I would have acted as his fake girlfriend in a heartbeat if it meant he would be safe. Everett would agree with me. We would have waited for the right time to start dating if it meant Liam could be happy until he felt ready to be himself fully.
"I'm so sorry," he continues, watching my body rack with sobs. "It's the reason I came to The Maldives. Izzy found out I was gay because of Elias's big, stupid mouth, and she knew I hadn't come out to anyone else from back home, so she didn't say anything out of respect for me. I came here to fix things and make things right, but if finding this out makes you feel differently, I'll completely understand. If you hate me, I'll—"
"Liam, come here." I haul him against my chest, wrapping him in the biggest hug I can. I hug him tightly, knowing it's probably been a while since he's had a hug like this.
"You're not mad?" He sniffles.
"No, I'm not mad. If anything, I'm disappointed you were afraid to tell me. But coming out is one hundred percent your choice, and I'm honored you felt comfortable enough to share it. Our friendship is so special to me, Liam, and honestly, you revealing that you're gay helps me in more ways than you'd think. For the longest time, I thought you were so comfortable having sex with me in the dark because you didn't think I was attractive, when in reality..."
He laughs through his crying, pulling back to stare at me. "Emery, have you seen your ass? You're a goddess, but unfortunately, you don't have a penis."
I release a breathy laugh. "It all makes sense now."
Lying down on the sand, I stare at the stars with my hands folded on my stomach, Liam following suit beside me. "I'll always be a safe space for you, Liam. No matter what. I hope you know that."
He turns to look at me, giving me a grateful smile. "I do, and I hope you realize I'm the same for you, which is why I'm going to ask why you were crying when I came to the door. Everett was pissed over the bracelet, I'm assuming?"
I nod. "He believes he's second place to you, and I understand why he has those insecurities, but I was hurt he didn't have enough faith in us to think I'd go back to you. No offense."
"Non-taken. The bracelet was a stupid move on my part, but honestly, I was annoyed at Everett for keeping it a secret this long. I fully intend on coming out to him, too, but there just hasn't been a right moment. He's avoided me every chance he has."
I arch a brow. "Can you blame him?"
"No, but gifting you the bracelet was my payback. It's not fun if I can't fuck with him a little, right?"
"He's going to kill you when he realizes it was all a joke," I admit. "But he basically told me to bring you as my date tomorrow to the wedding and that you were a better choice. I hate how lowly he thinks of himself. He doesn't see how amazing he is. But as much as I'm upset over how little faith he has in us, I understand it. His past speaks for itself."
Liam nods in agreement. "His father didn't make the best decisions, but he was put in a tough spot that many professional athletes face. Regardless, Everett isn't wrong for how he feels."
"No, he isn't, and the more I reflect on our fight, the more I realize that it's my job to reassure him. Given the situation we're in, he has the right to have doubts, and I need to help him like he's helped me." Everett has kissed every inch of my body, chasing away each insecurity I have, and it's about time I do the same for him. We both have our demons, but with each other, we can chase them away.
"I'll force him into some alone time with me tomorrow," Liam says. "Once he knows the truth, he'll feel a lot better about things. Well, if he understands, that is."
"Oh, come on. You think Everett will have a problem with you being gay?"
He shrugs. "It'll be different for him than it will be for you. He might get uncomfortable about it. He is a guy, after all."
"But it's not like you..." When a deep crimson begins to crawl up Liam's neck, I erupt into a fit of laughter. "Oh my god, you dirty, dirty boy! You think he's hot, don't you?"
He shakes his head. "Not anymore. Obviously, he's attractive, but it's different now. He was my first crush in middle school, but things changed after finding out he was straight. Everett is only my best friend. Nothing more."
"And Elias?"
Now, his face is as red as a cherry. "Elias is...definitely more than a crush. We've been dating for about a year."
"A year?" I shriek. "How have you kept this a secret from me this long?"
He arches a brow. "Kind of ironic coming from you, don't you think?"
"Okay, well..." He has a point. "Do your parents know? Have you come out to them yet?"
My heart breaks when Liam shakes his head, a sadness filling the depths of his eyes. "Not yet. I'm not ready. Ethan and Maya have been really accepting of us, though. If my parents disapprove, they'll be good stand-ins for my parents."
"And you'll have me," I add, reaching over to squeeze his hand. "Always."
The roaring of the waves drowns out the silence between us, but it's a comfortable one now. For once, the future ahead of me is bright. No roadblocks are stopping me from achieving ultimate happiness, and although Everett and I are in a fight, we won't be for long.
Liam squeezes my hand again. "Are you going to get your man now, or..."
Our fight brought forth a lot of emotions, ones that aren't just going to go away in an hour or two. We both need time to simmer. Besides, Everett isn't the only one needing reassurance right now.
With a soft smile, I say, "Tell me about your life in Wyoming. About how you and Elias met. I'm dying to know everything."
"Really?"
I nod enthusiastically, rolling onto my side to face him and propping my head up with my hand. "That's what best friends do, right?"
Emotion clouds his eyes, but he recollects himself and clears his throat. "Right."
Tomorrow, after we've both taken the night to reset, I'll prove to Everett that he's the only man in my world. The only man who will ever be in my world.
He said he's never been chosen. He's never been the first option. He's never been fought for. And all of that may have been true, but it isn't now.
Because he has me, and I'll fight for him until my very last breath.
Author's Note:
When I tell you this chapter had me EMOTIONAL?
Not many chapters made me cry, but this one definitely did. My heart hurts for Liam.
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