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So this is a new series idea I'm going to try, based on series by Pete Holmes, where he plays Batman from The Dark Knight and roasts any DC character.

Today, I'm going to try it with Arkham Steven, roasting any Steven Universe character in any universe. Starting with Diamond Spinel from the Diamond Spinel AU.

For clarity's sake, Arkham Steven will only be named Arkham (since eventually I will do a different Steven, and both Stevens will cause some confusion).

[For those of you who want a lore reason as to how and why this is possible, just assume Gnomus gave Arkham the chance to speak with other characters from different universes jsut for giggles.]

Spoilers to Diamond Spinel AU and Arkham Edition.

This skit was based on:

https://youtu.be/SrJhGi1vUjo

---

Arkham sits in his chair, leaning on the table and waits for something to happen.

"Steven..." 

He heard a familiar voice growl. And then he looks up to notice Spinel... but she's wearing Pink Diamond's outfit?

Arkham showed a look of perplexity. "Spinel? What're you doing here? And why are you wearing my mother's clothes?"

"I'm here to finally tell you that I'm DONE with you trying to 'fix' my problems!" She slammed her fist on the table, which was meant to intimidate him.

Except he merely sits up in his chair as a response to that. "Okay look... I don't know what you're talking about--

"I'm talking about when you tried to push me into a vacation away from the Diamonds!" She points at him, looking bitter and enraged. "Especially after you had the nerve to say that they were treating me like some sort of REPLACEMENT to... to her..."

Arkham was just completely lost, not up to speed on what she's entailing. "...But why are you dressed like her though?"

"BECAUSE... I... I wanted to..." She admits, realizing how silly it sounded out loud.

His silence only humiliated her more. "You... You willingly dressed up like that?"

"Yeah... What's wrong with that?"

"Pfft--" He stifled his chuckle. "Well, I hate to break it to you, I expected something more... twisted?"

"More twisted?!" She reiterated, offended by his comment. "You think this isn't twisted enough?!"

"Well, yeah." Arkham still had his amused expression, leaning back in his chair. "Because I thought the Diamonds made you wear that... You wearing it on your own just sounds ridiculous. You're practically asking for them to treat you like her replacement."

She looked very insulted by his remark. "Y-You can't be serious! They've been locking me up any time I get in trouble, and it's the worst pain ever imaginable for me!"

He tilted his head to the side. "Why don't you just... leave? Like, is there something keeping you there?"

"N-No... but leaving is what got me in trouble!" She retorts, really not like how casual he's treating this situation - even though her Steven seemed so worried about her. "That's why I have my ruby guards--"

He lifts one of his hands up to conceal his smile.

"WHAT?" She asked with gritted teeth.

"You needing guards, that's what." He said, his voice muffled by his hand. "You gave me one heck of a fight. You don't need guards to travel, y'know."

"Well, the Diamonds THINK I need them!" She snapped back defensively. "They said that I'm too precious to lose or something!"

"Yeah, okay... But what about you just leaving?" Arkham returned to the original question. 

"I have nowhere else to go!" She stomps her foot on the ground. "I don't want to go back to Earth, and the Garden has been renovated by the Diamonds."

"Okay... but you do realize you can leave any time you want, right? Because to me, it sounds like you're ensnared in a toxic environment." He sits up straight again, tapping his thumbs together in boredom. "And I should know, 'cause I read the college books."

"What're you getting at?!"

"Well... they're bad for you, and you're bad for them." He said as a matter of fact. "Because they clearly haven't learned their lesson with Pink. And you're making them 'cope' by having a new Diamond."

And then both hands angrily slammed on the table again. "I told you to never bring that up again..." 

"Or what?" He said, unfazed by her threat. "Last time we fought, you died."

And then she stepped back. "Wha...?"

"Yeah. Last time we fought, it was in a crater on Valentine's Day." He continued, not caring about the situation anymore - or the fact that this is a new Spinel who was alluding to a different Steven. "Then you ended up dying when you stabbed my arm."

"You shattered me?!" She fearfully inquired, not feeling like she's in control of the situation anymore.

"Well... No, not really. The whole thing's complicated, unlike you."

"Me?! Not complicated?!" She said, baffled at his accusation.

"Yeah, Pink Diamond 2.0." 

"SHUT UP!!!" Her anger came back.

"You can't tell me that I'm wrong." Arkham smiled, not being intimidated by her threatening glare.  "This kind of stuff wouldn't fly on my watch."

"Oh please, you couldn't stop the Diamonds even if you knew what they've done to me behind your back." She folded her arms and rolled her eyes.

Arkham's face went blank, and then his lips stretched into a smile."PFFT-- HA~!"

He laughed, his hand patting the table while he wheezed. His eyes opened slightly and stared at her briefly before his laughter intensifies. All the while, she stood there and looked concerned by his joyous laugh.

He finally stopped and looked at her. "You serious?"

"You mean to tell me that you boss the Diamonds around?" 

"Yeah!" He smiled, chuckling a bit. "I broke Yellow's arms and her right leg. And I almost White's face."

"W-WHEN?!"

"Like... years ago? I think?" He tapped his chin, unsure of the timeline anymore. "You know what? Why don't I just go back to the Palace with you, and teach them a lesson or two?"

"No, NO! I don't need your help! And as long as I obey them, we'll be happy and fine!"

Then he shrugged. "Then what're doing here?"

"...I can't even remember." She sunk her head low.

"I think you may be a lost cause. 'Cause you won't run away, you won't accept outside help, and you keep coming back to them like Harley Quinn with the Joker." He stood up from his chair. "And that makes you so lame."

He walked to the side of the table, heading for the exit while she stood there with her head still lowered. Then he turned around and approached her, putting his hands on her shoulders as he whispered to her hearing range.

"I prefer Spinel from Future..."

February 17th, 2024. 9:34 PM.