How I Got Into This Mess In The First Place

Shortly after Kyle left Madhouse, Abby announced that she was pregnant. Needless to say, I was very happy for her, but Abby's excitement only accentuated my loneliness. After a while, I began to grow jealous of Abby and Kyle's relationship. I wanted to be with someone that I loved and cared about. I thought that I had that sort of relationship with Robin, but our breakup had proven me wrong.

I had a handful of flings during this time. However, none of them seemed to last. It was as if none of them could measure up to Robin. When I realized that they couldn't compare to my ex-boyfriend, I cast them away, one by one. Then, I would continue searching for another Robin, only to fail again. Even when I dated other punks, they were still nothing in comparison to Robin.

Nine months later, Abby gave birth to baby girl named Darcy Spencer. The baby was adorable, but she ate away at Abby and Kyle's free time. Even though Kyle was now a stay at home dad, Abby had to stay home to take care of the baby occasionally as well. She also couldn't accompany me on tour, as much as I wanted her to.

"You'll be fine," Abby told me right before I left on tour. "You probably won't need me, and if you do, you can just Skype me. I'll always be there for you. I just wish I could see you live again."

"I wish you could come too," I said. "I'll miss you while I'm on tour."

"I'll miss you too," Abby said. "We'll have to keep in touch."

"I'll make sure to call you as often as I can," I said.

"You won't be as homesick as Kyle was during your first big tour, right?" Abby said.

"No, I've done this before," I said. "I won't get homesick."

I hired Lena and Jesse for the tour, and to my surprise, they were fairly good on their respective instruments. They weren't quite proper replacements for Robin and Kyle, but they were closer than the previous guitarists that I had hired to fill Robin's spot. However, I couldn't bring myself to make them permanent members of Madhouse. I knew that I could never completely replace Robin and Kyle, so it wasn't worth trying.

For the first time, touring didn't bring me anything excitement. I felt hopelessly alone, even when I was surrounded by fans and entourage. All I wanted was Kyle and Robin onstage to support me, and although Jesse and Lena could play every Madhouse song known to mankind, it wasn't the same.

I had conversations with fans every night, with most of them asking me why I wouldn't play Florence. I politely explained that I preferred to focus on my newer material, but that wasn't the whole truth. Even thinking about Florence made me remember what had happened with Robin, and those were memories that I was trying to shun.

The tour went on for far too long, while my heart continued to wilt away. Lena tried to comfort me, but I never could connect with her. She wasn't Robin, Abby, or Kyle. She wasn't the friend that I had known since high school. In fact, I barely knew her.

By the time I returned home, I was a mess. The tour had practically destroyed me mentally, but I had written a few good songs on tour. As it turned out, anguish makes for a nice creative spark.

However, there were a few problems. I wasn't ready to record alone. I had never been in the studio as the sole member of Madhouse before, and at the very least, I would need to find a studio drummer to play the percussion parts. I could play the bass, and I had learned a little bit of guitar, but I still wasn't a drummer. Eventually, I talked to Jesse, and he agreed to drum for me, even if I wasn't ready to make him an official member yet.

Writing for the new album consoled me a little bit. Songwriting had always been a therapeutic process for me, but even so, it was strange going into Revelation Records Studio without my former bandmates. As I walked into the studio, I spotted the Ramones painting that Robin had done ten years earlier, along with Kyle's drum set and my kitten. By that point, the room was covered in paintings from the many artists that had been signed to Revelation Records over the years, but our paintings still stood out. Tears came to my eyes as I remembered the day when we created those works of art.

I eventually named my fourth album Mechanical Heart, and to my surprise, it was actually somewhat successful when it was released. None of the songs became massive pop hits like Florence, but Here's What You Don't Know, the only song on the album that I wrote about Robin, was huge on the alternative charts. Unlike Florence, however, I was able to perform Here's What You Don't Know without bursting into tears. I told myself that this meant that I was finally over Robin.

Shortly after Mechanical Heart was released, Alan invited me to one of his many parties. As usual, it was at his oversized mansion, and practically the entire population of Los Angeles was going to be there. I had also heard that it was going to be a pool party, so I wore my swimsuit under my regular clothes. I decided to come, if only to spend a little bit of time with the members of Phantom Cat. I hadn't seen them in a while, due to our conflicting schedules, so I figured that it was time to catch up.

When I arrived at Alan's home in Bel Air, it was packed. I saw many faces that I recognized, along with many more that I didn't. A variety of indie rock songs were playing, while drunken bodies danced to the music. The more sober guests seemed to be hanging out by the pool, so I went there to see if I could find any of my friends.

After some searching, I found Miles lying on a lounge chair next to the pool. "Serenity's birthday party is today, so Byron's not here," Miles explained. "Terry's on the dance floor right now for some reason, and I don't know where Alan is."

"What are you doing here?" I asked Miles.

"Waiting patiently for this party to be over," Miles said. "Alan has a serious problem with throwing parties. This is the third one he's had this week."

"That's kind of a lot," I said.

"It's too many," Miles argued. "I'm sick of going to these, but Alan would be mad at me if I didn't attend his parties."

All of a sudden, Alan sprinted outside. "CANNONBALL!" he screamed as he jumped into the pool, splashing both Miles and I.

He laughed, while Miles shook his head. "Was that necessary?" Miles asked.

"Yes!" Alan said, grinning. "Hi Bianca. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I said. "How are you?"

"I'm doing great," Alan said. "Come on, Bianca. Why don't you swim with me?"

"I guess I could go swimming," I said. I quickly took off my blouse and jeans so that I was wearing only my bikini. Then, I jumped into the pool and swam next to Alan.

Alan and I spent most of the rest of the party in the pool together. As I spent more and more time with him, I began to feel a sliver of the feeling that I had felt when I was around Robin. At the very least, I could tell that Alan was an extraordinarily attractive man, and for some bizarre reason, he was paying attention to me. That was notable in itself.

At the end of the night, after just about everyone else had left, Alan said, "Bianca, I've been thinking about something."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" Alan asked.

I considered Alan's question for a while. I couldn't figure out why Alan would be interested in me in any way. He was Alan Rodriguez, after all. He could have any woman he wanted, yet he still chose me. I must be the luckiest person in the world right now, I thought. If I considered that, the answer was obvious. "Yes," I said. "Of course I'll be your girlfriend."

For just a second, I thought of Robin. It felt like I was betraying him by agreeing to go out with Alan, but Robin was gone. He wasn't worth considering when I needed to move past him. A relationship with Alan seemed like the easiest way to do that.

I was desperate for love, and Alan seemed like an easy way to get it. At first, it seemed like it might even work. Our first date was a relatively standard dinner and movie date, but it was enjoyable. Alan even held my hand during the movie just like Robin did.

It was clear that Alan had his flaws too. He was a little bit egotistical for my taste, but who wasn't in Hollywood? When our relationship first began, it seemed that he wasn't any more flawed than Robin was.

Maybe dating Alan wasn't my best decision, but I had my reasons for it.

At the very least, being in a relationship with Alan gave me some comfort and direction in a time when I was desperate, lonely, and above all, lost. Like Lena and Jesse, he was nothing more than a replacement for someone I had lost, even if I didn't realize that at the time. However, I didn't realize just how much trouble Alan would get me into later. 

A/N: Hi everyone, and thanks for reading Spotlight! I can't believe that I'm only one chapter away from finishing this book! The final chapter will be up sometime this week, and I am planning on starting my next book after finals are over (so it will probably be up sometime around the weekend of June 10th). My next book will be called Danger Magellan's Invasion of Earth, and it is an original science fiction novel. Here's the description! 

Danger Magellan was never the best pilot on Gwydion, his homeworld. In fact, he's not surprised when he manages to crash his spaceship on Earth while on a search for the creature that has been eating away at his system. Nora Gallagher doesn't believe in aliens or UFOs. She'd much rather focus on her school's production of High School Musical than go searching for extraterrestrial life. However, she must confront the truth when she finds out that something fishy may be going on with the Albanian exchange student living with her family. Along with Nora's two closest friends Arthur and Raquel, Danger and Nora go on an adventure in space, where they discover that there's more waiting in space for them than any of them could ever imagine. 

Thanks for reading! :)