[Let You Love Me]
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Rina woke up with a start, the harsh morning light cutting through the thin curtains. Her head throbbed a dull ache that pulsed in time with the city's relentless rhythm. She blinked, trying to focus on the blurred shapes of furniture around her. Last night was a hazy, fragmented memory - laughter, drinks, the intoxicating pull of the nocturnal energy from the city. And then was a void.
A glance at her phone confirmed her worst fears. It was late morning. She should have been home hours ago. A wave of guilt washed over her, a familiar sensation as comforting as a worn-out blanket. She had promised to be back early and spend the morning with Taiga. But, as usual, she had let her impulsiveness get the better of her.
Taiga brought warmth to her chest, a soothing counterpoint to the cold dread creeping in. He was the steady rhythm to her chaotic symphony, the calm in her storm. And yet, she found herself pushing him away, time and again.
She got out of bed and moved towards the bathroom, the tiles cool against her bare feet. The mirror reflected a face marked by the night's excesses: puffy eyes, pale skin, and a hint of desperation in her gaze. She splashed cold water on her face, hoping to wash away the remnants of the previous night.
As she dried her face, she thought about the lyrics she had been working on. They were a raw, vulnerable outpouring of her soul, a desperate plea for connection. The words replayed in her mind like a haunting melody of regret and longing.
"I should've stayed with you last night
Instead of going out to find trouble
That's just trouble
I think I run away sometimes
Whenever I get too vulnerable
That's not your fault."
She had written those lines after an inferior night when the city had felt like a suffocating embrace. Wandering the streets was where she eventually found herself lost and alone until dawn. When she finally returned home, exhausted and ashamed, Taiga had been there with open arms and a silent understanding.
But even with his love and support, she could not seem to break free from her self-destructive patterns. A part of her thrived on the chaos, on the adrenaline rush of living on the edge. It was a dangerous addiction, and she knew it.
She got dressed quickly, the urge to escape the confines of her apartment growing stronger by the minute. She needed to see Taiga, apologize, and explain. But most importantly, she needed to face herself.
Taiga's apartment was a sanctuary where the world seemed to slow down. The soft, muted colors and the gentle hum of jazz created an atmosphere of peace and tranquility. Rina felt a pang of guilt as she stepped inside. She had invaded this haven of calm with her storm-laden soul. Taiga was in the kitchen, making a cheerful soundtrack with dishes. He turned around when he heard her footsteps, and his face lit up with a warm smile.
"Morning," he said, his voice soft and gentle.
Rina managed a weak smile in return, "Hey."
He poured her a cup of coffee and handed it to her. "You look like you have been through a war," he said, his eyes filled with concern.
"Something like that," she replied, avoiding his gaze.
They kept silent for a moment. The only sound was the ticking of the clock. Rina felt a lump forming in her throat. She wanted to tell him everything, to pour out her heart and beg for his forgiveness. But the words seemed to be trapped, lodged deep within her chest.
"I'm sorry," she finally managed to say.
Taiga raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
She hesitated. "For last night. For not being here."
Taiga took a sip of his coffee. "It is okay, Rina. I know you get caught up sometimes."
His understanding made her feel even worse. She deserved his anger, his frustration. Instead, he was offering her unconditional love and support.
"I don't deserve you," she spitted out.
Taiga put down his cup and looked at her seriously, "Don't say that. You are who you are supposed to be, Rina. With all your flaws and all your strengths."
She wanted to believe him, but doubt crept in. She had been hurting him for too long.
"I want to change," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "I want to be the kind of person you deserve."
Taiga reached out and took her hand. "You are already the kind of person I deserve," he said softly. "You just need to believe it."
With Taiga's support, Rina began to explore the root of her self-destructive behavior. She started therapy, a daunting but necessary step. In the safe space of the therapist's office, she began to unravel the tangled threads of her past and understand the patterns that had shaped her into the woman she was now.
"See, I wanna stay the whole night
I wanna lay with you 'til the sun's up
I wanna let you inside
Oh, Heaven knows I've tried."
It was a painful process, but it was also liberating. As Rina delved deeper into her psyche, she started to see the connections between her past and present. She realized that her fear of intimacy was rooted in a deep-seated belief that she was unworthy of love.
With each session, she felt a little stronger, a little more capable of facing her demons. And with each passing day, her relationship with Taiga deepened. They talked openly and honestly about their fears and insecurities, building trust and understanding.
Rina started to spend more time at home, enjoying life's simple pleasures. She cooked, read, and spent time with friends. She even started to explore new hobbies, such as painting and writing.
One evening, as they were curled up on the couch, watching a movie, Taiga turned to her and said, "I am proud of you, Rina."
Her heart swelled with gratitude. It was the simplest of compliments, but it meant the world to her.
It was not easy. There were still days when the old patterns threatened to resurface. But Rina had learned to recognize the signs and seek help when needed.
One night, as they lay in bed, the moonlight casting ethereal shadows on the walls, Rina looked at Taiga and felt a sense of peace she had never experi'enced. She reached out and traced the lines of his face.
"I love you," she said softly.
Taiga smiled, whispering, "I love you too, Rina."
They held each other tight, the silence between them filled with a profound sense of connection. It was a new beginning, a chance to build a future together, free from the chains of the past.
"I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me
I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me
Say what's the matter, what's the matter with me?
What's the matter with me?
Oh, I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me now
Oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, I
Oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, I."
The initial euphoria of sobriety was quickly replaced by a gnawing emptiness. The world was once a vibrant tapestry of colors and sounds but now muted, devoid of the excitement that alcohol had once provided. Rina found herself grappling with an unfamiliar sense of loneliness, a void that no amount of companionship could fill. Moreover, her newfound vulnerability made her acutely sensitive to the world around her.
Taiga, a steadfast support, stood by her side, patiently listening to her cravings, anxieties, and overwhelming loneliness. He reminded her of their progress, of the strength she had already discovered. He encouraged her to join support groups, find new hobbies, and fill her days with meaningful activities. But the cravings were relentless, a phantom pain that pulsed through her body, demanding to be satiated. Even his unwavering love could not fully shield her from the internal storm.
One evening, a tense scene was playing out on the screen when Rina's heart, for a moment, seemed to seize, a familiar tightness gripping her chest. The characters on the screen were laughing, their joy a stark contrast to the despair she was feeling. She excused herself to the bathroom, her hands trembling as she reached for her phone. The number of her old drinking buddy was etched in her memory.
With a surge of determination, she deleted the number. But the temptation was still there, a constant, insidious presence. She felt like a prisoner in her own mind, trapped in a cycle of craving and denial.
Taiga sensed her distress. He pulled her into his arms, offering silent comfort.
"It's okay to feel this way, Rina," he said softly. "You're stronger than you think."
She nodded, but the doubt was creeping in. Could she really do this? Could she conquer the monster that had controlled her for so long?
The temptation to relapse became an almost daily occurrence. There were moments of weakness when the allure of escape seemed irresistible. But with each passing day, Rina became tougher, her resolve hardening like steel.
She started volunteering at a homeless shelter, finding purpose in helping others. The gratitude in the eyes of those she helped gave her a sense of fulfillment that nothing else could match.
She also discovered a passion for writing. The act of putting her thoughts and feelings into words was cathartic. She started a journal, pouring her fears, hopes, and struggles out.
While writing one evening, Rina came across a poem she had written during a particularly dark period. It was a raw, painful expression of her addiction. She reread it, feeling a surge of both sadness and pride. She had come so far.
"And every time it gets too real
And every time I feel us sabotaging
I start running
And every time I push away
I really wanna say that I'm sorry
But I say nothing."
But the battle was far from over. One night, after a stressful day, Rina found herself at a crossroads. A work event had turned into a drinking binge, and she was alone in a dimly lit bar, the familiar pull of temptation almost overwhelming. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She thought of Taiga and the promise she had made to herself. She knew she was better than this.
With renewed determination, she left the bar and hailed a cab. On her ride back home, the city lights blurred into a kaleidoscope of colors. She felt a sense of peace, a quiet strength that had been dormant for so long: Rina had faced her demons, and she had emerged victorious.
One evening, during a park stroll, Rina abruptly halted. Her rapid, shallow breaths and panicked expression alarmed Taiga. He enveloped her in a comforting embrace, offering reassurance.
"It's okay," he soothed, his voice steady. "You're safe."
Rina nodded, desperately trying to quell the rising panic. Familiar demons clawed their way back, tempting her with the seductive allure of escape.
"I can't do this, Taiga," she whispered, her voice trembling with fear.
"You can," he affirmed, his voice firm. "You're stronger than you believe."
As they continued walking, the rhythmic crunch of leaves provided a momentary respite from Rina's inner turmoil. They found a bench, the fading daylight casting elongated shadows.
"I'm scared," Rina confessed, her voice barely audible. "What if I can't stay sober?"
Taiga took her hand, offering solace. "It's challenging, Rina, but you're building a new life, a life free from alcohol. It takes time, but you're making progress."
Doubt flickered in Rina's eyes. She realized she had replaced one dependency with another - her reliance on Taiga. She craved independence, her own strength.
"I don't want to be a burden," she admitted.
Taiga squeezed her hand reassuringly. "You're not a burden. You're my partner, my best friend. We're in this together."
His words offered hope, but Rina knew recovery meant confronting her demons alone. She needed to forge a fulfilling and independent life. The journey ahead would be long and arduous, yet she was determined. She had come too far to surrender now.
The following weeks were a tumultuous ride. Moments of clarity and strength were interspersed with debilitating self-doubt. Rina immersed herself in work, seeking distraction from her internal chaos. However, the more she accomplished, the more fraudulent she felt.
One day, a chance encounter with an old friend, Dave, unfolded. Hours passed as they caught up. His thriving career and blossoming relationship were contrasting with Rina's life. A sense of inadequacy crept into her heart. Compared to Dave, her life felt empty and directionless. Sobriety came at a price. She had pushed away friends, neglected hobbies, and centered her world around Taiga.
A cold dread washed over her as she walked home. Lost in her own struggles, she had forgotten to live. Rina had become a shadow of her former self, defined solely by Taiga's love. Unfortunately, the most painful realization was that she did not believe she deserved his love.
Doubt gnawed at her self-esteem, a relentless tide eroding her confidence. She questioned every aspect of herself: past mistakes, present shortcomings, and future potential. The woman she once was, vibrant and fearless, seemed a distant memory. In her place was a fragile shell dependent on Taiga's unwavering support.
"I wanna stay with you 'til the morning
I wanna lay with you through the sunrise
I wanna show you that you're my only
I wanna lay with you 'til the sun's up
I wanna stay with you 'til the morning
I wanna lay with you through the sunrise, through the sunrise
Oh-oh-oh-oh, Heaven knows I've tried."
The fear of losing Taiga was a constant companion. She clung to his love like a lifeline, terrified of the abyss that awaited if he let go. It was a toxic cycle of dependency and desperation, a prison of her own making.
Rina knew she needed to break free from this destructive pattern. She needed to rediscover herself, to find her own strength and purpose. But the path ahead was shrouded in uncertainty. How could she rebuild her life when the foundation felt so shaky?
As the days turned into weeks, Rina found herself increasingly withdrawn. She lost interest in activities she once enjoyed, isolating herself in a world of doubt and self-loathing. Taiga, sensing her growing distance, tried to reach out, but his efforts were met with indifference.
She felt trapped in a labyrinth of her own making, a prisoner of fear and insecurity. The woman in the mirror was a stranger, a pale reflection of the person she used to be. Rina searched for answers in the depths of her eyes. But all she saw was a stranger, a woman lost in the shadows of her own mind.
"What's the matter with me?" she asked aloud, her voice barely a whisper. The question hung heavy in the air, unanswered. Was it fear? Insecurity? Or something more complicated, a wound that had festered for years?
She thought about Taiga, his unwavering love, and his endless patience. He was a beacon of light in her darkness, but she was too afraid to let his warmth consume her. She was terrified of becoming dependent and losing herself in the intensity of their connection. Regardless, she still loved him.
A cold shiver ran down her spine. Was she incapable of love? Or was she simply afraid of being hurt again?
As the night deepened, Rina curled up on the couch. She was lost, alone, and desperately searching for a way out. Her only certainty was knowing how to let Taiga love her and how to deserve his love.
"I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me
I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me
Say what's the matter, what's the matter with me?
What's the matter with me?
Oh, I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me now
Say what's the matter, what's the matter with me?
What's the matter with me?
Oh, I wish that I could let you love
Wish that I could let you love me now
Oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, I
Oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, oh, I wish, I."
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