Instead of being alone mourning the final nail in my romance with Billy, I sat in the front seat of his car, inches away from him. There was a swirl of sadness, guilt, relief, and in moments where my eyes hung on him, lust. It was a ghastly twist of emotions that manifested in what I imagined having an alien in your body clawing its way out would feel like. I kept having to remind myself that this is what I wanted.

"We should go out tomorrow night, catch a movie or something." He spoke out of nowhere and didn't take his eyes off the road. His casual tone bit at me.

"Okay, sure. Want to see if Tim and Tess want to come?" The idea of having a buffer felt alluring to me.

I saw the glimmer of a wince pass his face. "No, just you and me, if you're okay with it?" He let a hand slip from the steering wheel and squeezed my knee.

"Yeah, okay. We should do something with Tim and Tess while I'm here, too."

"Yeah, for sure." After a moment, "I'll check if they're free on Thursday."

"What do you think about trying to cook for your mom?" The thought of having something physical to do was enticing. "She cooks all the time; it could be a nice gesture."

"Do you know how to cook?" He shot me a sideways glance.

"No, but we can follow instructions for one meal, I hope."

"It's a nice idea, assuming we don't give her food poisoning. I'm sure she's already started tonight's dinner. I'll see about Friday."

"Do you really want your own place? Don't you like being close to your mom when you're home?" I asked as I gazed out the window at the passing trees. The fear of Billy's loneliness swirled in my head. 

"I do, but there are times when I wish she weren't around."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you know those times like when you are almost going to have sex with your best friend or are having a soul-crushing fight with the girl you're in love with; it'd be nice to have a little privacy then."

His shrugged words were meant to be a joke, but I winced at the slap. After too long of a moment, I recovered.

"You and Tim almost had sex today too? Man, you think you're special."

"Not funny," but he still let out a laugh. "You're the only friend I want benefits with," he added absently.

"No, we can't be friends with benefits," quickly fell from my mouth.

"Relax, Lil; I was kidding." The gravel of a driveway crunched as the car pulled to a stop in front of a house. As he turned the car off, he added, "I think we both know, I'm not that kind of guy."

I looked up to a modern horror that rose before us. In both size and style, it was everything I hated in one structure. I tried to swallow back my reaction.

"Unexpected," Billy murmured to himself as he got out of the car. He paused for me at the end of the vehicle and extended a hand as I neared. "Thoughts?" He asked as we approached.

"Nope," I quickly responded.

"Mmhmm, that bad."

An overly cheery real estate agent dragged us around every room in the house. She seemed immune to our growing distaste of every passing room. She just continued to clunk through space after space with her spike heels while her blond bob swayed as one solid chunk with every movement. I became fixated on it, wondering how much product she used; was it all mousse, mousse and hair spray? Did she have to shower and wash it all out before bed, or did she sleep on it? It seemed that it would be like sleeping on a rock. I imagined her hair as a detachable piece of a Mr. Potato doll. Sure it looks good on, but you know he pulled that huge nose off when it was lights out.

My focus on her hair distracted me from the useless facts she was sharing about each room. I only came back to the conversation when we came to a pause at the front door again.

"So, initial thoughts?" She prodded with a hopeful smile.

"It's, uh, it's sizable." Billy settled on.

I stifled a laugh. His job was words, and he came up with sizeable in this instance.

"I don't think it's what I'm looking for, but you sure gave me something to think about," he evenly added.

We pleasantly parted, but both Billy and I burst into laughter as we headed to the car.

"What exactly did that house give you to think about?" I asked in a whisper as we got into the car.

"Finding a new real estate agent," Billy laughed.

"Did she ask you a single question about what you wanted?"

"Nope, couldn't you tell?"

"I'm so glad you didn't like that house. I get that some people might like it, but it was the least relaxing place I've ever been in my life."

"It felt like it was a stone sculpture of a house," Billy agreed.

"Bleh, plus you need more land than that," I absently said.

"I do?" He let out an honest throaty laugh.

"Yeah, I know you want kids, so you'll want to have a yard for them. Plus a garage to work on your cars. And..." I let my voice drop out as I realized I was rambling a little too much about what I thought Billy should do with his money.

"And..." he prodded.

I blushed, "it's silly."

"I expect nothing less." I could see one dimple as his eyes stayed on the road.

"I picture you having one of those amazing post and beam barns with the tiny building at the top."

"Cupola," Billy offered.

"Yeah, a cupola," I smiled, fighting the urge to melt into his side.

"Why the hell would I have a barn? Do I have farm animals?" He pressed.

"Oh, right. No, no farm animals, just a dog, maybe. The upstairs of the barn you convert into a home recording studio, and downstairs you use for rehearsal space and to play with friends during bar-b-ques."

"I throw bar-b-ques? Am I like a Midwest Gatsby or something?"

"Don't make fun of me." I swatted at his shoulder.

"I'm not making fun of you," but as he spoke, a laugh erupted from his chest. "Come here," he pulled me to his side.

"You know, for someone that hasn't thought of our life together, you seemed to have mapped out mine. Is there anything else I should know?" He kissed the top of my head.

"You have two kids, a boy and a girl, and you're the second greatest dad in the world," I sighed.

"I am?"

"Yeah, you're patient and calm. I think you're going to be one of those dads that always has terrible jokes. Every kid pretends to be embarrassed by it, but it's super charming. And you're always interested in what they're doing. You aren't one of those annoying parents that just push their kids into the humans they want them to be. You let them explore and learn, within reason, of course."

"Mmhmm, I do sound like a pretty great dad, but why am I only the second-best dad?"

"Oh, my dad's the best. You don't get to be this awesome on accident."

"Of course, should've known that." He kissed the top of my head again.

"Um, Billy?" I shyly spoke.

"Mmhmm," he absently answered; he hadn't noticed my tone.

"So, do you drive in the car with Timmy like this?"

"Lil, why the hell would you ask me that?"

"Well, we're friends, like you and Tim." I felt Billy's back stiffen as his mind pulled back to reality from the future I'd invented for him.

"No, I don't put my arm around him or kiss the top of his head. But, in my defense, his hair doesn't smell like strawberries, and he hasn't given nearly as much thought to my future."

"Oh, I'm not sure about the latter, and I can get him some shampoo," I offered. Still, Billy didn't eject me from his side.

"I want to talk about this more." He hit the word talk with more volume than he needed.

"About Timmy and shampoo?" My joke was a failed attempt to break the tension.

"No, about you not thinking about us. You have a pretty clear future of my domesticated life for someone that's never thought of being part of it."

"I know. I have a vision of your wife too," I admitted.

Immediately he pulled his arm away from me. "You what?" His tone was rising.

"And we're talking and safely driving," I reminded him.

He jerked the car over and threw it into park before turning his full attention to me. His dark eyes were penetrating me to my core.

"You've thought of my wife?" His tone was accusatory.

"Um, yeah," I winced, "that's weird?"

"Yeah, a little, considering we almost fucked today." He was struggling to keep his voice even.

"Remember once upon a time when you didn't think I could ever rile you up?" I offered.

He just slightly shook his head at a loss for words.

"I guess I'm wrong a lot," I added as I scooted a little further away from him.

"You've thought about me being with another woman, marrying another woman."

"Well, yeah. I mean, it's basic biology. To have kids, you need a woman. And I know you, and you would want to be married to have kids." It felt obvious to me. "She's sweet and calm with a smile that makes you immediately like her. She's tall, like you, and has blond hair and blue eyes. Oh, and for some reason, I see her wearing many sundresses."

"You've lost your damn mind." He shook his head at me.

"What? Not your type?"

"Clearly, my type is insane brunettes from the Northeast." He sat back in his seat for a minute. "I'm not sure which one of us is more insane: you for all of this, or me for being in love with you."

"When in doubt, it's usually me."

"It's not funny, Lil. It was one thing to not be in love with me, but it's entirely another to not want to be with me so badly that you invent an entire life for me."

"It's a happy life," I offered. "I'm insane," I added after a moment. "I just want you to be happy. I've always known I won't be the one to do that. I'm just not the right fit for you, you know?"

Billy just continued to stare at me in awe.

I took his silence as a cue to continue to awkwardly babble. "I mean, look, when we were dating, and you were off at your shows, and I was in the hotel room studying, I knew how silly it all was. No one in their right mind would spend the whole summer touring the country with their rockstar boyfriend and avoid the shows. And why? So I could read another book on Canada? So my sleep schedule didn't get off for the upcoming semester? Ugh, I'm insufferable. What kind of life is that?" I was talking to myself now; Billy was just part of the inanimate car. "Seriously, why couldn't I just go to the damn shows? It's not like the music is offensive, and you always made sure there was a spot for me so I didn't have to mingle with the crowd. I mean, geez, between you and Timmy, it's amazing I spoke to anyone the entire summer, which I appreciated because, you know, I get social anxiety. But still..."

I lifted my eyes to meet Billy's again. He was just staring at me, still trying to process my babble.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on. I can't seem to stop talking." I hugged myself to prevent any more from spilling out, but it didn't stop all the thoughts from flooding my mind.

Billy just started the car back up and continued to drive. But when we got to the house, he didn't park in front as I expected. He drove around behind the garage and parked. I watched him pull himself from the car and pace around it to open my door for me.

"Come on," he held out a hand.

"You're mad?" I asked as he pulled me up.

"No, I'm not mad," he muttered in a low voice, which didn't fill me with confidence.

We walked down the slope of the lawn to the dock. I settled on a bench that overlooked the water. Despite the summer's warmth, Billy flipped open a wooden box and pulled out a blanket before settling next to me. He carefully spread the blanket out and started to drape it around me.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"You're always cold. I put the blanket down here for you."

In my mind, he added, 'because I'm a good person that thinks about you all the time,' but he probably didn't even think it because he was a good person.

"I'm sorry for my unloading earlier." I hugged myself again to try to keep my thoughts within me.

"Tell me about last summer," he prodded.

"It was great. I mean, what twenty-year-old gets to spend five weeks traveling around the country?" It was a weak attempt to brush off my earlier rambles.

"Lil, tell me about last summer, your summer."

His prodding made the flood come back. All the things that I'd felt, that had changed me, but that I'd been unwilling to admit to myself.

"Lil, you've thought about us. You had a whole life mapped out, and then you randomly stuck in some dress model from Johnny Appleseed." He pulled me to his chest. "I won't get mad, I promise."

"It was incredibly lonely, Billy. All the hotel rooms felt like the same cage. You were always gone and, when you were around, you were exhausted. The few times we went anywhere, I was always looking around to see if someone was staring at us. It made me paranoid, so I just stopped wanting to go anywhere with you, but then that made me even more lonely."

Billy pulled his arm from me. His head fell to his hands with a painful intake of breath. "And Thanksgiving?" His words were labored, fearing the worst was yet to come. 

"It all became real. Everyone was looking at you. I couldn't even be near you unless we were in the room. Suddenly, the world was the cage, but I was outside looking in at you. There was always something in between us."

He pulled mercilessly at his hands as the words ripped through his mind. His body rocked a little bit and his fingers fluttered causing his hair to jostle even more. 

"You haven't been smoking," I suddenly noticed.

"I quit, although I can't remember why right now," he absently uttered.

"Um, because it's terrible for you," I reminded him.

"Can we not do this right now?" He tipped his face to mine as he spoke. "I already feel like enough of a dick; I don't need the reminder that I'm also slowly killing everyone around me with second-hand smoke."

"And yourself, you're also killing yourself with first-hand smoke."

"Seriously, Lil." It was the first time he tilted his face to me. I didn't think there was a shade of pale that was paler than his normal tone, but at that moment he was paler. 

"I don't understand; why do you feel like a dick?" I leaned in and set a hand on his back. 

"Lil, you just told me you were miserable the entire time we were together, and not only did I not notice then, it never dawned on me until you finally just came out and told me."

"Wait, that's not what I said." I scanned my thoughts again. Lonely, I was lonely. I missed Billy. Nowhere was I miserable with Billy.

"Lil, you were lonely because I was dragging you around the country so I could spend twenty minutes a day with you. I pulled you away from your home, from your life, from your friends and family because I wanted you with me. I never once thought that you'd feel like you were in a cage or worse that you were caged out of my life."

I sighed at his interpretation of my loneliness. "Billy, I was there willingly. I loved the time we spent together, but I missed you."

"And that's how you see our whole life. You're the pitstop."

"I mean, kinda," I admitted.

"Earlier today, when you didn't know, when you said you hadn't ever planned for us," there was a different tone to his voice.

"Yeah, I remember. It was two hours ago, I may be crazy, but I'm not that forgetful."

"Lil, stop; that whole life you planned, you were never in it?"

"I don't know. When you called me from the road, and you sounded so tired, I worried. And then I wouldn't sleep well, so I guess my mind just wandered." I lifted my eyes to his and could see the prodding to continue. "I guess I want you to be happy. So, I just thought of a life you'd be happy with, you know? A farmhouse with acres and acres of land for privacy. The kids running around playing in the dirt and catching bugs. The barn where you can work, but still be close. It's the front porch life we talked about, but for your world."

"But where are you?" Billy broke my thoughts.

"I'm in Portland, on my porch," I admit.

"Always?"

"Well, I visit," I shrugged.

"Lil, you're lying. I can tell when you're lying."

"I'm not lying," I weakly protested.

He caught my chin with a finger. "You've thought of us."

"Fine, before last summer, I thought of us. I thought of you coming home to me."

A satisfied smile spread across his face.

"Billy, it doesn't matter. Last summer proved that I'm not equipped for this life."

He slid his arm around me again.

"Billy, it doesn't change anything. You're going to be traveling more than not. Look for the blond-haired beauty."

"You created a life for us."

"No, I created a life for you with someone else," I noted. 

"You inserted someone else, but you build a life that protected us and me."

"That's not what I did. Don't do this again, Billy."

"You love me. You love me so much." He smashed me closer to his chest.

"Billy, you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. You need to move on from me." I pulled away. The thought danced in my mind; we couldn't be friends. Suddenly Sam, the guy from the plane, was there in my brain with his annoying confidence that exes couldn't be friends. I shoved it down. "We're just friends."

"Mmhmm, whatever you say, Lil. You figured out how to protect us in that farmhouse. I'll build for you one day, the whole thing; the house, the garage, the barn. I promise, one day you'll come home to that life."

His vain confidence stirred annoyance in me, but we'd argued enough for one day and, deep inside, part of me wanted him to be right.