◤ chapter one ▸ it has to end ◢

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ONCE UPON A TIME, Tessa Cormac who lived in apartment B12 in an old building that really didn't really have working pipes – often leading her to shower at her boyfriend's place because it worked and the water pressure was amazing – was happy. It seemed like such a long time ago, sometimes even felt like a fairy tale, but there was a time when Tessa Cormac who dyed her hair blonde every month because her natural brunette locks just weren't cutting it was content, well more than content, with her life.

She was happy. It was sad to think of it now wistfully, recalling those days as if they were in a kingdom that never existed like Cinderella. But that was her life and that was the cards that were dealt to her.

She wouldn't lie and say that it was all dreary, because there was some days when she felt on cloud nine and nothing could bring her down, there was moments when a smile gracing her lips couldn't fade no matter what happened, there were days when she could go to school without dread pooling her stomach and be pleasantly surprised with a good grade on a test. It wasn't all like she was locked away in a castle with a dragon guarding her, a barrier between herself and happiness. But those days when she felt on cloud nine had always been fleeting.

Tessa could guess the day when this started, when her happy little grin that was always present on her face turned into a blank stare. She could guess when she stopped caring about her grades, letting them slip away to now an A was an accomplishment that came once in a blue moon. She could guess to when her childhood home was taken away and she became a resident of B12 where nothing ever worked properly and there was no proper ventilation yet she still had to pay just as much like there was some.

She could guess, but those didn't happen all at once – of course, it never did. It started when business trips took over her dad's life, it started when she moved from her childhood home to B12 and she couldn't even decorate her room and all the stuff that had adorned her place making it positively hers was thrown out. It continued when school started getting hard and there was no one to turn to when she needed help with math, leading her to just stop trying because she didn't even get it in the first place and no one else cared, so why would she?

But while Tessa Cormac did not live the good life, the eternally happy life, she still liked her life. That was a weird statement, because her best friend, Finn Patterson, would argue that her life was terrible and she shouldn't like it. Well, he would argue that in the name of her boyfriend – Caden Hayes.

He came around freshman year. She started at Lincoln High because that was the closest public school to her apartment, which was nice because transportation costed money that she couldn't always afford to spend – winter was terrible when she had no choice – and she didn't know anyone.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. She knew names, she could place faces to them, but she didn't have any friends. Tessa Cormac, before her freshman year, couldn't say that she had friends. Elementary school she was too quiet for anyone to look at her and she stopped trying in middle school. So, when high school came along and Caden Hayes, with his hair swooped back and slight muscle peeking out just a little bit, came walking her way – how could she refuse?

He introduced a world she never dreamed of being a part of. He had a friend, Finn, that never seemed to want to be around them but did – and he was always too high to really say whatever was really on his mind. Caden always talked about how he was smart in middle school but all she could see were his failing grades.

And it wasn't as if she could judge him, she was failing hers as well. There was no proper motivation, and now with her time spent with Caden she couldn't even think of cracking down on her algebra. Not that she minded. Staying up until three partying, falling into his arms, taking his cigarette and placing it between her lips, taking his meth and snorting it – that was fun. It made her feel happy.

There was people surrounding her and she wasn't alone, she had people around her that laughed with her and accepted her. There was Caden, who held her so close and eventually took her on a date – a nice café and then the movies (how cliché, she knew). He didn't kiss her that time and they didn't hold hands during the movie but she didn't mind because he looked at her with this lovesick stare and she was falling.

And eventually, when he did kiss her...she was ecstatic. She felt high again, like all those nights together at those parties. Now, she would sit on his lap and he would never let her go, peck her cheek and watch the grin on her face grow and chuckle at her and she would just kiss him herself.

Finn would be there, too, taking up any bet from others to fuck a guy and steal his money or drugs. He always came out as the winner. And they talked, she considered him a friend and he the same, but they weren't close. She wasn't close with anyone except Caden, yet she never felt isolated from the world even though he was her sole rock.

But the whole year was a haze. Sometimes, she would admit, things weren't all nice and peachy. Sometimes things were scary, sometimes she would cry, and sometimes her rock would betray her. Sometimes she just wanted to break up with him because maybe that would be easier, maybe she would stop getting hurt by him, but then he would smile. He would kiss her. He would laugh – and God, what a wonderful laugh. He even convinced her to dye her hair blonde the first time because he loved blondes and she wanted to be loved by him.

And the night he told her he loved her, there was nothing that could tear the smile away from her face. She was so happy, so drunk, so in love and she could imagine nothing better. That always kept her there, with her rock, even when he did things that scared her. Even when he didn't listen, even when he began to grow as more of a mystery that she knew she could never solve. He would never allow her to solve him, he would never allow her to know everything about him and she would admit that she didn't have the smarts to go investigating on her own.

But while she never minded just having Caden by her side – no one else – on the nights when she cried, on the nights when she couldn't go to him, she would wish there was someone else to hold her. There was never anyone else.

Everything changed over summer.

It started out normal; she still spent most of her nights with Caden and even if they weren't together she wasn't at home – she hated that apartment with the creaky floors, everything so loud, and no one there to fill the silence – and was probably seen at a party. But Finn, their friend, had gotten caught.

Like how Caden had introduced her to drugs and partying, he introduced Finn to selling them. While she just used, Finn – like Caden – sold them. And one night during summer, he had been caught. She was scared, terribly scared for him because even though they weren't close, she still cared for him. The good part was that he had gotten off easy; some probation and had to get a job to show that he was reforming himself and getting a real, hardworking (and legal) job. So, he started working at a diner.

After that, she made Caden swear that he would stop selling. She didn't want him getting caught, she didn't want the worry of him being thrown into jail – her boyfriend. And he smiled, he cupped her face, he kissed her, told her not to worry and, just before he left when she stopped him again to make him promise, he nodded and said that he was done. It was over, his year of selling was in the past.

And she felt herself breathe thinking that she didn't have to worry anymore because her boyfriend wasn't out there selling an illegal substance. And she was happy again, nothing had to change – nothing had to be wrong.

Until it did, again.

It started at the beginning of the year and she had been growing closer with Finn, becoming real friends with him and not just 'friends' like they were before. He was there to listen, she was there to complain and to practically cry. He had broken her perfect world where she didn't have to worry, told her a truth that she hadn't even picked up on before, and she thanked him.

Even Caden confessed to still selling drugs, confessed to cheating on her – but it meant nothing. And again, she thought of leaving, of breaking up with him and being a free, single woman, but then she was reminded of all the things she loved again him. The way he sounded so sincere when he said that he loved her before she left to think over his admittance of not being faithful...and she fell into his trap again.

Because he made her feel loved, he made her feel worthy, he loved her and all she wanted was love. So she stayed. And he kept lying and things kept getting worse and sometimes she was so scared of what would happen if she didn't obey him. So scared she would cry, so scared that some nights she didn't even go home just in case he would show up and hurt her.

But it was never physical, he never punched or slapped her. It was always verbal. He would say that he hated her, that no one could love her, that her dad was glad he was never home because he was so disgusted by her face. He would yell, he slice her heart again and again, and the most physical he would be was grabbing her roughly to pull her with him. And she let him. Like a rag doll, she let herself be pushed and pulled in every direction.

She cried every time he told her she wasn't worthy of love, that she didn't – and would never – deserve it, she would hate him and scream back, but then he would come to her in a soft voice, give an excuse for his anger. Say again that she made him so mad, that he just wanted a good night with her and she ruined it, because somehow everything was her fault in some shape or form.

Caden would shatter her, tears all her limbs away from her, and then she would let him put her back together because she loved him. She did. Tessa Cormac loved Caden Hayes through everything because he was her rock and she couldn't go on without him. He would always say that, too.

But then he did get caught. Caden Hayes was caught selling drugs and he would be sent to juvie and she went to see him, tears swelling in her eyes. Because her boyfriend was right there, he was going to juvie and she wouldn't see him for however long, but he was smiling. He was grinning; he had a plan. And he told her they had offered him a deal; he would be let go if he gave a name of one of his associates, to which he agreed.

Finn Patterson was taken only a few days later.

She called him crying that night, so numb, so done with Caden and realizing that she couldn't stay with him anymore. He told her he did this so that they could stay together, so that they wouldn't be separated but he had taken her best friend. Caden had taken her best friend and thrown him under the bus for his mistakes because he didn't want to go to juvie and said it all in the name of love.

No, she would not be fooled anymore.

And she could tell that Finn was happy that Caden had been taken in, but she couldn't bear to tell him that it wasn't Caden who'd have a trial; it was him. He would be the one to pay the price, not Caden. She couldn't tell him and it wasn't until he was taken under arrest and Caden free that she came to him crying and telling him that she knew, and Finn understood. Finn wasn't angry at her even though he had every right to be.

His trial came and he didn't want her to see, he didn't want her to go, but she had to. And there, on the other side – opposing him, was Caden. Her boyfriend with that stupid smirk on his face because he knew that he would win...and he was right. Finn was taken away immediately after.

Caden stood up, his lawyer by his side, and he looked so smug. He was so proud of himself, and it grew when he saw Tessa. Breaking away, he went over to her and she stood up to meet him. There was always a script to these scenarios; she would tell him that he did something wrong, he would give an excuse, they would yell, she would go home with tears adorning her cheeks, and later he would call with a mock apology and turn it all around on her.

It was going to be the same this time, Caden thought, but she couldn't have that.

"I'm sorry about Finn, but it had to be done," he whispered to her, reaching out to take her hand which she drew back. He didn't look pained, he had expected it, "Come on, Tess, you know this had to happen."

She said nothing, looking around the courtroom before turning her gaze back to him. "We should talk outside," she decided. This wasn't a matter that could be spoken in here. While there was the comfort of witnesses, she wanted it to be personal – this was personal and it needed to be done alone.

It has to end – she would end it.

Caden nodded, thinking that maybe she would yell maybe she would cry, maybe she would say she hated him for doing this, but it would be alright in a few days because this was Tessa; she couldn't live without him.

The two walked and her heels clacked against the floor until they were outside of the courthouse and no one was near them even though many were around. It was enough space for them to speak personally, just the two of them for her to say her piece.

"Tessa, talk to me," it was a gentle command as he looked searchingly in her eyes, trying to find her and guess if his hypothesis was right and how long he would wait until he eventually called with an apology.

And so she looked at him, licking her lips and holding herself for warmth against the cold. He was always gentle in the beginning, just a small nudge and then he would deepen his voice, more of a command – she hated it.

"I can't do this anymore," she whispered to him, clearing her voice and staring straight into his eyes with intent. Nothing was going to stop her, he wasn't going to sway her – she wasn't going to allow it. "I can't be with you anymore."

Really, it was a long time coming and she knew it. She had known for such a long time that she needed to end her relationship with Caden...but she never could. He was her everything, she had changed so much because of him and owed him so much – she couldn't leave him. But she couldn't stay anymore either. So, it had to end.

Caden, for the most part, looked shocked before smiling. It was easy to guess that he never imagined the possibility that she would leave him, that she would be the one to break up with him and mean it. The look in her eyes made sure to tell him that she was serious, that it wasn't some joke.

But he smiled, because he thought that an apology would change everything. And it would have, before. Before everything went so far and her best friend was being carted away to fucking juvie because of this asshole. "Come on, baby, you don't mean that," he said easily, "How about I let you go home and think over things, I'll give you some time to realize that this isn't what you want."

God, the way he said it infuriated her. Before, she was so easily swayed by his words, allowing herself to hear that he was sorry and feel guilty for saying that she wanted to break up with him. No, not anymore. Times had changed and she couldn't handle being with him anymore.

"No, I know what I'm saying and I mean it," Tessa exclaimed, standing her ground, not breaking her stare. She wanted to cry because of everything that happened, wanted to cry over letting herself stay with him for so long even when he cheated and lied, wanted to cry over Finn who was innocent, but she wouldn't. Not here. Not in front of Caden. She wouldn't show weakness for him to fed off of and manipulate her.

"But you don't. I get it. It's hard right now, but you have to understand that I had to tell them about Finn so that we could stay together. They can't tear us apart anymore, there's no need to be scared," Caden smiled.

She used to love that smile. It made her go weak, melting under that and the loving gaze he sent her. How he could manipulate even his own eyes to share an emotion he didn't have she would never know. She hated his smile now.

"I'm not doing this because I'm scared, I'm doing this because I can't stand to be with you anymore, not after what you've done. You just sent my best friend to juvie," Tessa spat at him.

"But I'm your boyfriend, which should mean so much more than your friend," Caden snapped back, finally allowing his gentle demeanor to change when he realized that it would get him nowhere. He had to use more force, "I always told you to be careful of him – he's a shit friend. He would've left you eventually, but I'll never leave you."

"No," Tessa shook her head, "You'll just cheat on me and feed me with lies. Like that's so much better."

Caden scoffed, rolling his eyes as he shook his head, "Really, Tessa? That again? I thought we moved passed that."

"Well, we didn't," Tessa said, "I'm doing this because I can't stand to even look at you right now, you asshole."

"Oh, fuck you. Like you're so much better than me? You'll regret this, and I won't take you back," Caden threatened.

"I don't want you," Tessa practically yelled at him. She was hurt. She was in pain and he was such an asshole...how had she not done this before? Why had she stayed? She didn't have the answers. "I don't fucking want you!"

"You think I wanted you? You were just so easy, but you mean nothing. You think I ever loved you? Well guess what? No one could ever love you, Tessa, and if you think someone can well you're fucking delusional," Caden then lowed his voice, "You aren't worthy of love. You're just easy; you're nothing."

Tessa stared at him. He had said it before and it had hurt so much, but she wasn't about to beg for forgiveness.

"I don't want your love. I am better than it. And I already have people that love me," Tessa said decisively.

Caden smirked wickedly, "Oh, yeah? Who? Your parents who I have never fucking met? Seems a lot like they hate your fucking guts, like they never even wanted you in the first place."

"You can't say shit about my parents," Tessa warned him in a low voice, "I fucking hate you, Caden. Nothing you say can convince me to stay with you."

And, for the first time, she felt a slap to her face. She couldn't help but stare at him in shock. With everything that he had said to her, he had never taken it physical. She touched her face, the pain still very present as she just stared at him for a moment.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that," Caden reached out for her but she stepped back, "Tessa, baby, I didn't mean to hit you. I was just so angry – you made me so angry."

"No," Tessa stopped him. "Fuck you. Never touch me again, don't even look in my fucking direction."

She took another good look at him and left. Her face still throbbed from where he hit her and she felt tears spring in her eyes and she did nothing to stop them from falling. It looked pathetic, she knew that, but she didn't even give a fuck anymore. All she wanted to do was forget, all she wanted to do was loose herself. She was just a fuck up anyway.