What are you looking at me like that for? Of course, I survived, you silly bastard. But there's surviving, and then there's surviving without any scars. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, it's to take the no scars option.

Long story short, Claude is a fucking champion. I wish I had seen him, but I'd been a little busy at the time, you know, with the being on fire and everything. He found out later that he had suffered a cracked sternum and a punctured lung. Sebastien had all but crushed his chest with that single punch and even small movements were pure torture for Claude. The act of breathing was agony for him with his chest muscles protesting being used after that abuse. Lesser men would have laid there and waited to die.

Not Claude.

Claude was massively fucked up is what I'm trying to say here, and somehow he found the strength to pull himself to his feet, fighting through the sheer agony that defined his entire existence at that moment. He did this even as I first began to smoke and then burst into flame behind him, and all the while, I was screaming.

He was focused on one thing through all of this fucked up situation: the fire extinguisher in the trunk of his car which was parked twenty feet away, but for Claude, it might as well have been ten miles.

***

Here's the thing: you don't survive the shit that we went through and come out the same person on the other side. Nobody does. I had changed, and I would eventually find out how much Claude had changed as well. We would both have to come to terms with what those changes meant, but in the moment of me waking up, it was with a relief that I was no longer dead.

Even more importantly, I was no longer on fire.

Is it possible for memories to hurt? I'll save you the bother of thinking too hard about it. The answer is yes. I could remember the pain, the smell of me and how it had seemed to last forever. Even just looking at my smooth unburnt flesh, healed only because of what I had become, I could still remember how it felt when the skin had burned. I remembered how it had once moved and slid off--

I was probably never going to be able to look barbeque in the face ever again.

"Welcome back Robert," Madame Vera said, as she sat down next to my hospital bed. "How are we feeling today?"

"Alive," I tried on a smile, but it didn't feel right. There were suddenly tears burning at my eyes and where the fuck had they come from? The tears burned hot trails down my face, and that was it for me.

When I was in a slightly less embarrassing but definitely damper state, Madame Vera let go of my hand and smiled patiently.

"Claude is in the next room if you're able," she said.

"Claude is alive?" I asked and dissolved into another embarrassing state of blubbering. Another five minutes of emotion later Madame Vera explained that it was Claude who had saved me. He had sprayed me down with the fire extinguisher and had managed to cover me with the fire blanket before collapsing next to me.

"There are going to be a lot of questions later, so you're going to need to prepare yourself for that. Get your emotions out right now and get your mind straight. You have to be strong in the face of what's coming because it's not going to be pretty. While you're here, I can shield you, but you have to leave sooner or later."

"What are you talking about?"

"Harry of course. He has a significant amount of egg on his face over the situation with Sebastien. His entire system has now been called into question considering how unstable Sebastien proved to be. You're going to be prodded and cross-examined by some of the finest and oldest legal minds, some of whom admire you for your role in this. All vampires of course."

"And the rest of them?"

"The rest of them want to see you burn. Again."

"Stuff those guys," I said. Something occurred to me. "Why am I even here? Did I die? I think I would have remembered dying again."

"This is not just the house of the dead. It is also a place of healing, and you my dear boy needed a significant amount of healing. You did die and that was essential in your healing, but your friend Claude required the use of our alternate treatments due to the nature of his injuries. He is doing remarkably well given the circumstances. I've made arrangements to make sure you both get only the finest care. You've been through quite an ordeal."

"How much is this going to cost me?" I asked cautiously. "I appreciate it, but I'm broke as hell."

Madame Vera smiled.

"We're billing the estate of your friend Sebastien. If someone manages to recover his head, he might have something to say about it, but this seems highly unlikely at this point. His body seems to have also gone missing."

"Oh," I said. Then I realized what she had just admitted to. "Oh, wow." Then: "Remind me not to get on your bad side."

"I've been assured that all of my sides are quite good."

"Who called you?" I asked. "How did you guys know to come get us?"

"Beatrice."

"Beatrice?" I was surprised to hear the poison in my voice when it came to Beatrice. I think I had decided how I officially felt about her and hate was too mild a word. Come to think of it, I think I actually hated her more than I did Harry. "She left me to burn! Did she actually care enough to do something other than abandon me?"

The look that Madame Vera gave me was a very calculating one. "Don't take it so personally Robert. I think she quite likes you."

"You're bleeping kidding me right?" Yes, I said "bleeping" instead of some other more colorful epithet, but it felt strange to even think of swearing around Madame Vera.

Madame Vera smiled. "You're still alive aren't you? Now, let's go and see your friend."

I went to see my friend.

***

"Pineapple on your pizza? Yes or no?" Claude said as soon as he saw me enter the room.

I instantly scoffed of course and glanced at the phone in his hand.

"Everybody knows pineapple on pizza is a no go," I said. "But damn it's delicious. Add on some bacon and grilled chicken and you have perfection."

"You're a monster!" Sammy's voice said, and Claude turned the phone towards me. Sammy glared back at me from FaceTime, but only for a moment. Her face cracked into the hugest grin I have ever seen on a person, and were those tears in her eyes? Yes they were.

"Hi Sammy," I said and felt the tears springing to the corners of my eyes. I clumsily wiped them away. "It's good to see you too."

Claude turned the phone back to himself. "So I'm going to expect you here in about thirty minutes with our pizza?"

"Both of you are fucking monsters, I just want you to know that."

"Wipe your tears and bring the pizza."

"It's allergies motherfucker! I will cut anybody who says it isn't."

Claude hung up. "I think she missed you dude."

"You shot me." I said and Claude nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I did that didn't I?" he said, then: "Sorry?"

"Were you faking at the time or were you glammered?"

"Is that what they call it? I couldn't hear what he was telling you."

"Yeah. Glammered. Glammering. Kinda like in the movies, except the eyes go all red and shit. In the movies I mean."

"Red eyes would have been a nice touch."

"So were you glammered?"

"Fuck no. Dude was moving so fast though, I knew I had to get closer, so I played along with what I thought he thought he was doing to me. I improvised."

"You shot me and you weren't even glammered! You could have shot him right then!"

"I'm sorry I shot you."

"You could have shot him right then," I repeated. "Right in the face."

"Do you know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face?"

"Well obviously you don't!"

Claude shrugged and I tried to glare at him, but I really wasn't feeling it. Maybe it was seeing him lying there in the hospital gown that got to me. It reminded me of what he had also gone through. It reminded me of what he'd had to do to save me.

"So why couldn't he glammer you?" I asked after a moment.

Claude grinned and managed too cockier than he was already.

"It's obvious isn't it? I'm the man who cannot be glammered. I'm the anti-vampire."

"You're going to be impossible to live with aren't you?"

"Damn skippy!" Claude smiled. "It's good to see you man."

"You too. I'd ask how you found me, but I have a feeling it's either going to be that you planted a microchip in my neck or something while I was sleeping—"

"It's the cell phone I gave you. Find My Phone is a wonderful app. Lacks accuracy, but works in a pinch."

All of my conspiracy theories went out the window and left me somewhat deflated.

"Oh," I said. "I was going to say cellphone."

"You're a bad liar."

And just like that everything was okay between us. It was as simple as that. No drama and drawn out angst. I was glad my friend was still alive and still as impossible as ever, and he was glad I had survived it all.

I caught him looking at me a couple of times and I remembered he had been the one who had to listen to me scream as I burned. I remembered that he had been the one there to put out the flames no matter how hurt he had been, no matter if it had almost killed him.

I'm going to stop before I get all sentimental and shit, so deal with it, okay?

The pineapple pizza was awesome.

***

The next two weeks were not sentimental in any way and I swear I wasn't responsible for any fires. That was Claude.

***

Two weeks later:

"Have you told your mom you're a vampire?"

"Is there any way I can answer that without lying and still come out on top?"

"So what you're saying is no."

"Is that what I'm saying?"

"Almost in those exact words, yes."

"Go see your mother."

"Do you know how hard this is going to be? It's not exactly a great conversation starter you know. 'Hi mom! I'm a vampire!' Like that is going to go down well."

"Dude just call her. She's probably the only other person on the planet who would fight a vampire for you. And she would win too!"

"Are we really going there?"

"We're going there! You're bringing this on yourself!"

"I'm scared, dude."

"Be as scared as you want to be. I won't judge you."

"You won't?"

"I'd think you were a complete wuss, but I won't judge you."

"Fine then. Let's do it. Let's go see my mom."

"You're making me come with you aren't you?"

"My mom loves you! Besides, I need you to drive."

"What's the situation with you and the blood?"

"Madame Vera's got me on a program. Therapy and some kind of synthetic blood they cooked up in the lab. At least that's the official story. It tastes and smells just like real blood. No need to go around biting horny young women anymore. Although the sex was really good..."

"Is it helping?"

"Definitely not with the sex. We'll see how it goes. Can't make any promises. You know I'm a shameless recidivist."

"I know you're shameless..."

Silence for a while.

"Let's go then," I said. "Let's go see my mom."

***

We left while it was still dark, hitting the road at an ungodly hour. I looked back as we left the city, the lights, and skyscrapers vanishing into the night and for the first time in a long time, I felt like a real human being. The constant hunt for blood had left a shadow over my life, the obsession making its mark on everything like some rabid dog that just had to piss on your leg just before it bit you.

It was like we were driving away from that cloud and leaving everything behind us, and that was what I needed at that moment.

It didn't matter that version of life might just be waiting for me when I came back. That was going to be a battle for another day.

I drove part of the way until the sun began to come up, and since we were heading east for a while there, it felt like we were rushing towards a brand new day.

It felt exactly like we were chasing the sun.

END OF BOOK ONE

BOOK TWO: SO I'M A VAMPIRE... NOW WHAT?

https://www.wattpad.com/684393457

*********** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

That's it kids. Story's over. Time to go home. Hope you enjoyed Bob's adventures and come back to join him in the second book to the series "SO I'M A VAMPIRE... NOW WHAT?". You can guess what that one is about...

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