"Hi my name is Bob, and I'm a vampire."

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized just how stupid they sounded, especially since it was the supposedly the traditional thing to say at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but for this group it just felt so wrong.

Natalie coughed in the back of the room and I looked up at all of their familiar faces, all of my fellow rejects and something occurred to me, one of those wild ideas that go off like a flashbulb of intuition, kinda like when you find the last piece of the puzzle under the couch a week after you were last assembling said puzzle. I might have actually said something about it, but then there it was, the sound of someone new, noisily making their way up the narrow staircase.

"Hey guys!" Murray said, practically bursting into the room. "Am I late?"

There was a palpable drop in energy as everyone else shifted uncomfortably, sending a signal to anyone with a brain that Murray clearly wasn't welcome. Murray was either oblivious to this or he had just decided he didn't give a shit.

Murray was also the answer to the question of why it's not such a good idea to post your vampire group meetings to the finest people the internet has to offer via Craigslist. We all knew instantly that he wasn't a vampire. We didn't even have to wait to see his eyes with the fucked up "Underworld Vampire" contact lenses he'd ordered from an online costume store. There was a complete difference in the way real vampires carried themselves, even rejects like us. I just hadn't realized how easy it was to spot until Murray came in pretending to be one of us.

I honestly couldn't tell you what Murray's deal was or any of his backstory. I honestly didn't care to listen to anything he had said. He gave off this creepy totally-not-like-Edward-at-all stalkery vibe that made you want to either rip his head off or run very far away as quickly as possible. We just entertained him, nobody wanting to be the bad guy and kick him out, but all of us thinking the same thing: none of us wanted anything to do with him. It wasn't like he was the first random dude to show up, but he was the first to give us all the complete creeps.

Benjamin looked around at Frankie and Stanley and then shot me a look as if to say "do something" as Murray rooted around for a chair. I shrugged, really not knowing what to say, and Ben finally decided he'd had enough.

"Oh come on you guys!" Benjamin said, then focused his attention on Murray. "Murray, you can't join the group. It's not the right fit for you."

Murray looked completely clueless and not even a little bit hurt. He gave Ben a look that said that he was not accepting that answer.

"Whatcha talkin' about man? I'm as much a vampire as all you guys. Is it the fangs? Cuz if it is, I found this amazing deal online. Custom fit. There's a guy here in town who'll even do a more permanent fit."

Natalie had had enough.

"I'm going to take off you guys," she said, and sidled past me to the stairs.

"Natalie! You can't go!" I implored her. "It's gonna be a total sausage fest if you leave."

"Yeah I know. But I don't like him. He gives me the creeps." Natalie shrugged and offered a weak apologetic smile. "Sorry, but you do."

"No offense taken," Murray said as Natalie disappeared down the stairs. He turned to us remaining men in the room. "Chicks, right?"

"Oh my GOD!" Benjamin said, practically having an apoplexy. Frankie grabbed his shoulders and tried to calm him down.

"Don't get so worked up over this Ben. Sammy will kick our asses if we make too much noise."

"He's got to go!" Benjamin turned to me and I knew it was going to be up to me to handle the situation as the leader by default. "You said he'd probably never even come back and if he did then you'd take care of it. So take care of it Bob."

"He's right Bob," Stanley agreed from his chair in the back. He was wearing his security guard uniform since he was heading to work directly after the meeting, and the dark sunglasses made him look like a demented rent-a-cop more than anything else.

"You gonna give me a hand?" I challenged him. "You're the security expert here."

"Pay me fifteen bucks an hour and we'll talk," Stanley said in that cocky way he has and flexed one of his considerable biceps that was supposed to remind me that he was totally worth the fifteen bucks.

"Natalie left because of this dude—" Benjamin protested.

Murray stood up, hands raised in protest. "Hold on guys! Nobody has to throw me outta anywhere. It's cool, man. I get it."

We all shared a look of confusion.

"You do? Really?"

Murray nodded and grinned. "I totally get it. I haven't proven myself or gone through the kind of initiation you guys have—"

"You're not a vampire!" Benjamin hissed, and Frankie gave him a look that made him calm down, but only a little.

Murray continued. "—So I brought you guys a little present to show how serious I am. I mean, not everybody is cut out to be a vampire, right?"

I didn't like where this was going.

"Bob, I don't like where this is going," Benjamin said.

Get rid of him, Frankie mouthed at me, and I glared back at him. I was cautious with my response to Murray.

"What kind of present?"

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

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