It took me just a handful of days before I could summon my angelic abilities at will. Truthfully I could do it the first day. However, I had to learn self-disciplin. It was akin to a release valve–I couldn’t always be this glowing blue being of celestial essence. It was too much. So, I had to train myself to not only bring it out at certain levels, but siphon it as-needed.

Healing something took a lot of angelic power. It was like sewing–you took some of your grace, your soul, and used it like thread to fix that which was broken. It works the same for mortals as well as angels–although, healing angels is easier just because there’s already some angelic soul to work with. You’re not trying to shape and reform things against their will and what would be their natural state.

“It even works on demons.”

I was absolutely horrified. “Why in God’s good name would an angel ever heal a demon? That is simply repulsive!”

Raphael had chuckled. “No one ever has, Ulcinin.”

“So then why even bring it up?!”

Raphael shrugged with nonchalant innocence. “It’s something to learn.”

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with how Raphael taught me how to heal. It was a hands-on experience. First it started with plants. Then, bugs. I learned early on that if the damage is too catostrophic, there’s nothing even an angel can do.

I also learned the hard way, the more emotion behind it the more likely you were to suceed.

“Why would you do ths?!” I had shrieked, in the middle of a field in a forest.

I knelt next to a doe. Raphael had attacked it, slicing out a large chunk from her side. I could see her ribs, and she was on her side. Her big brow eyes were wide in terror, sometimes glossing over and I thought I’d lost her. But then she’d twitch. Both my hands were pressed against the wound. It didn’t do very much. At all, in fact. I soon lost sight of my hands in just pools of red.

“Why did you do this?” I shrieked at Raphael once more. I looked at him over my shoulder. He stood, still dressed in black, looking at the scene with utter indifference. “There’s so much blood!”

“You better heal her quickly,” Raphael replied simply. “She’s fading fast.”

As though on cue, she gave a sort of shudder, making a whining sound. I moved my hands, holding up her now-limp head.

“No. No. No, no. No, NO!”

The light burst out of me. Within seconds, the deer blinked, scrambled to it’s feet (in the process knocking me down and half-trampling me), and darted away into the forest. I sat up, still covered in blood. The green grass was stained with her blood. There was so much blood…

I got to my feet, rounded on Raphael, and decked him. Totally sucker-punched the guy. For a moment he looked pissed. Then, cracking his jaw, he regained his composure. I pointed at him.

“Never. Do. That. Again.”

“Why?”

I could feel my nostrils flare in barely-contained rage. “Never an innocent.”

“It was a learning experience.”

“Never harm creatures that are innocent!”

Raphael looked amused. “What is innocence, Ulcinin? Is a deer truly innocent? Would it stop at nothing to protect its foals? Do they not kill one other over territory disputes? Is the grass it eats not living? Don’t deer, technically, kill and maim grass?”

I hear enough of his nonsense. I decked him again. This time he stood up after taking the hit, thrust out his hand, and I went flying back through the air a good twenty yards. My impact upset the soil, leaving a trail of upset dirt and grass in my wake. In the blink of an eye, Raphael was upon me. He grabbed my by the collar and hoisted me to my feet.

“You speak of innocence?” he asked. His calm voice utterly unnerved me. It was disturbing. “Did you think you would be able to heal the doe, dear Ulcinin?”

I didn’t answer.

He shook me and finally lost his composure, shaking me. “Answer me!”

“No,” I sneered.

Raphael released me. He adjusted his robe, regaining his composure. “You want to speak of saving innocence? Had you not been shown the extent of your abilities, innocents really would be dying. Had I not forced you, you wouldn’t be able to heal even the most insignificant wounds. You’d have turned into an emotional puddle at the first sight of a mortal needing your healing powers.”

I clenched my hands into fists. He was right. He was right, and I knew he knew he was right, and I hated it.

He looked smug. “You should be thanking me, Ulcinin.”

I inclined my head slightly. “Thank you, Raphael.”

He smirked and gave me a short bow. “You are most certainly welcome.”

After that, I was taught how to use my celestial force to better my movements. I became quicker, more agile. I was transporting myself all throughout Heaven, through far-flung regions of The Surface. I was shown not to fear the bottom of the ocean, for even though I could barely see, I could breath. Even though in the water lurked behemoths, blind eels with terrifying teeth, huge fish the size of whales, creatures that looked so utterly strange and vile they appeared to be alien, I still held no fear, for the sheer volume and weight of the water could not crush me.

That trip in the ocean was also an unintended learning experience for me. I still struggled with my mortal mind. Especially back then, humans had no ways of observing the depths of the deepest oceans. Seeing fish, and huge crustaceans, and squids that could swallow me whole, terrified me. I felt like I had stumbled into some horrific realm of monsters.

However, I then found things I never thought were possible. Bioluminescent plants. Bioluminescent creatures. I found it fascinating how everything had it's place. Something would die, and it's body would be eaten, and it's shell would be used to home another creature. Seeing hermit crabs forming lines, biggest to smallest, and trading their shells down the line, was utterly majestic. Dolphins using tools and communicating with each other, playing. Bringing other pods into their folds.

The more time I spent in the ocean the more I grew to love it. Even the depths of the Mariana Trench no longer made me shudder in fear. In fact, I started to grow eager for my deep sea dives, excited for what wonders I would find. Vents of magma. Watching the tectonic plates shift, the plumes of sediment it would make. How there were colonies finding refuge in coral and anemones, and the creatures would keep them clean by eating what was forming on them. Complete symbiosis.

Through darkness I found light. In terror I found hope. In the cold I found warmth. In chaos I found order.

It was deeply profound to my learning. To this day I sometimes simply sit at the bottom of the ocean when I need to find tranquility, or when I have a particularly difficult problem. I almost wish humans had the capabilities to go to the bottom of the ocean without being crushed or freezing to death. Then again, knowing what I know now, I'm happy they can't; they'd destroy it with their pollution and plunder all its beauty.

I love humans, but they are so stupid sometimes.

I digress.

Once when I returned to Heaven, still dripping wet from one of my sea excursions, relishing the smell of sea salt in my hair and clothes, something strange happened. I passed two angels; they looked young, and their actions were that of giggling school girls. They looked right at me.

"Look," the one said, genuinely trying to be quiet but failing horribly. "It's the Lost Angel."

The other giggled and shushed her, swatting her arm. That was it, and the two hurried off. I didn't think much of it.

Then that phrase started following me around. I had grown accustomed to being in my own head, pondering everything from the inner workings of the universe to my hair that day. Aside from the archangels, I rarely interacted with my own kind. I'd much rather be studying, or observing humans, or researching biomes, or observing tiny specs of fractal snowflakes with a tardigrade living on it.

"Mikha'el," I finally inquired one day. "Why do angels call me The Lost Angel?"

Mikha'el sighed heavily. He put down his quill and pinched the bridge of his nose, and then rubbed his eyes before looking at me.

"Oh. So that's finally caught up to you, hm?"

I raised an eyebrow.

He sighed again and leaned against the back of his chair. Then, crossing his arms, he looked at me evenly.

"Word of your shortcomings have leaked out."

I immediately felt angry. Ignoring the sensation, I tried to remain neutral and keep my pride locked up. "My shortcomings?"

Mikha'el waved a dismissive hand and picked up his quill. I could tell he had misspoke, or perhaps hadn't meant to say that at all. "It is of no consequence. Just ignore it."

"Mikha'el—what shortcomings?"

In frustration Mikha'el then tossed his quill back down and re-crossed his arms. "I do not wish to speak ill of the dead, but we think Raguel enjoyed talking about how you hadn't found your true potential at first, and once you did how you struggled harnessing them, controlling them; believing in them. Believing in yourself."

I gripped the edge of the table, nails digging into the wood, and let out a hiss of breath.

Mikha'el waved his hand again.  "You have also been compared to a lost puppy, following us archangels around."

The wood splintered beneath my hands.

Mikha'el looked at my hands. "Contain yourself, Ulcinin."

"This is me containing myself."

"Look—it doesn't matter. It's done and over with. It can't be changed; besides, those saying such things don't know you."

"Isn't that the point exactly?"

Mikha'el paused. "A bit, yes. But you do not have to answer to anyone. Whose company you keep is your choice and your choice alone. Anyone partaking in and furthering such rumors aren't worth your time or energy, anyway."

"Right," I snarled.

He gave me a sharp look. "Anyone speaking of you in that way is inconsequential. Clearly they do not know God's Plan. If anything else, they should be saying it to your face instead of squabbling about it like school children. But you know why they don't?"

He leaned in. I paused before shaking my head.

"They fear you, Ulcinin." Mikha'el picked up his quill a final time and looked at his scroll. "That's all that matters. Now. Back to writing, come on."

Lost puppy, huh? Clearly they didn't fear me enough. I'd show them lost puppy.