chapter sixteen.
my parents.

•

Come Sunday morning, I woke up to a spam of texts from Edwin.

Edwin: HEY!!!!! you forgot to text me last night!!! ):

Edwin: i just wanna make sure you're okay!! i also forgot to text you so i don't blame you lol i know you must've been super tired so.....

Edwin: it is eleven am how are you not awake yet?!?!?

Edwin: come onnnnnnn kyyyyyyyyyraannnnnn

Edwin: wake UPPPPP!!!!

Edwin: I MISSSSS you!!!!!

Edwin: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I started laughing as I typed out a response.

Kyran: jesus christ

Kyran: sorry though lol the moment my head touched my pillow i fell asleep

Kyran: my parents had already gone to bed so everything was fine (:

Edwin: thank god

Edwin: so... what are you up to today??

Kyran: idk

Kyran: probably just gonna chill in my room all day

Edwin: do you not have any hobbies??

Kyran: yeah wtf

Kyran: i read sometimes but not recently

Edwin: why not?

Kyran: i'm too busy lol i work almost every day & if i get behind on homework my parents will ground me

Edwin: oh, sorry about that

Kyran: it's fine (:

Kyran: i'll text you later, i need to eat breakfast

Edwin: alrighty!

🌌

The day flew by quickly, much to my surprise.

After eating two bowls of cereal in my room (I was very hungry due to waking up so late), I decided to start watching a TV show I had been putting off for months. I tried my best to ignore the sounds of my parents moving around the house, the slightest sound of footsteps coming near my door sending me straight into a panic. Thankfully, they never opened my door or called for me so I got to enjoy some time alone before dinner.

It was at around four pm when I realized I'd promised Edwin I'd call him sometime during the day. Feeling that familiar butterfly-in-stomach sensation, I texted him and told the boy to call me if he was available; not a moment later, my phone was ringing.

"Hello?" I had said once I picked up the phone, cringing at how shakey my voice was.

"Hellooooo!!" Edwin had replied in his signature honey-smooth voice, the happiness he was probably feeling very evident in his tone. "How are you?" he added.

"I'm fine," I had told him, beginning to calm down. I laid back down on my bed and held up the phone to my ear, trying to resist a smile. "And you?"

"I'm great, now that you've called me," Edwin said. "Anyway...have you asked your parents yet if you can have me over this weekend? It's okay if you haven't, of course, I was just...curious."

I sighed. "...No," I admitted. "I'm just...so scared of asking them things. I don't know, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid," the boy assured me. "But...I'm sorry your parents make you feel like that. Nobody should be scared to just talk to their parents, especially when they've done nothing wrong."

I rolled over in bed and stared at my dresser, still holding the phone up to my right ear. "I know," I said. "It's okay, though. Don't worry."

Edwin fell silent for a few moments. Finally, he spoke again, "Ky...your parents seem...kinda awful. Like, I don't know, every time you talk about them it's never anything good. Are they...y'know...doing anything to physically hurt you?"

I felt my throat close up. I wanted to respond, but I didn't know how to. I already lied to him enough so I just felt so guilty about having to lie to him again—especially after he had opened up so much to me. I knew all of his demons—yet he knew little of mine.

"I..." I choked out the word, not wanting to keep him sitting in silence waiting for a response for too long. "My parents are fine," I finally said, cursing myself for having lied to him again. He deserved to know the truth, it wasn't fair to him. "They're just super strict. There are plenty of good things about them, I just...tend to focus on and complain about the bad. They suck but it's nothing serious, I promise."

Edwin at least sounded convinced. "Okay," he said. "I have to go, though, I'm sorry. I just heard Nathan come home and I don't want him to hear us talking, it's kinda embarrassing."

"So I'm embarrassing?" I joked, letting out a laugh.

"No! No, of course not," Edwin exclaimed. "I just don't like talking to someone as...close to me...as you in front of others who can hear everything. I want our conversations to feel special, and...and for us only. I don't know. Am I making sense?"

My heart pounding, I replied, "Yes. I understand. I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay? Um...have a good rest of your day."

"Okay. Uh...you too! See you." And he hung up.

I smiled, looking down at my phone screen. My stomach was filled with butterflies and I couldn't peel the smile from my face. I reluctantly went back to watching TV, wishing desperately that I could just be with Edwin at that moment and shut out the rest of the world.

🌌

Seeing Edwin every day was getting more and more difficult.

On Sunday night, I had finally worked up the courage to ask my parents if he could come over on Friday after school, and of course, they said yes; they'd take any chance they could to show off how amazing parents they were.

Because I knew my parents wouldn't let me back out of it or else it'd turn into some giant mess, I was feeling incredibly anxious and a bit regretful at the thought of having the boy over at my house when it was very obvious my feelings for him were only growing...and quite exponentially too.

As the days passed, I realized that even sitting beside him was stressing me out. Every time I got a whiff of his cologne, or felt his hand brush mine, I felt like I was going to actually explode into a billion pieces. My heart would beat so incredibly fast, my palms sweating buckets, and a strange dizziness would wash over me. I just didn't know how much longer I could stand being around him and not being able to tell him how I felt, or to hold his hand, or to kiss him.

"Kyran? You good?"

The sound of Edwin's voice pulled me from my thoughts. We were sitting at our table at lunch, the boy munching on his usual peanut butter and chocolate sandwich. I looked into his eyes for only a brief second before turning my head away from him.

"Um, yeah." I told him.

"Are you sure? You're like...super pale and you look like you're gonna pass out." he said.

"What? No, I'm fine," I waved off his worries. "Just nervous, I, uh, have an algebra test next period."

"A math test is making you look like a zombie?" Edwin scoffed. "You sure you don't need to see the nurse or something?"

"No, it's okay," I shook my head. "I promise I'm fine. My desk partner usually helps me cheat and stuff, it'll be fine..."

"Okay. Well, if you feel worse, please go to the nurse or something. Your health is more important than some math test." Edwin patted my shoulder and I swore it made me feel a hundred times worse. "Trust me, I'd know."

By Thursday morning, I was even contemplating turning Edwin's visit to my house into a confession. If he didn't feel the same, then he could leave and I'd have the entire weekend to recover and we'd never speak to each other again. It would be completely fine! Or he could tell me he liked me too and then we would kiss and then—

I smacked myself in the face and cringed.

Shut the hell up, Kyran. He doesn't like you back, I thought. And even if he did, there'd be no way we'd end up kissing in my house, not with my parents around. The thought of that was even more nerve-wracking than confessing my feelings to Edwin.

When I saw the boy at lunch, I somehow felt just a little bit calmer. Maybe it was because I knew I'd be confessing to him soon or something and I wouldn't have to feel so much pressure anymore.

"Hello," he greeted me when I sat down beside him at our table. "we're still on for tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," I replied, opening a packet of ketchup and spreading it on my chicken sandwich. "Aaand you've asked that like every day." I took a bite of the sandwich and shrugged at him.

Edwin pursed his lips awkwardly. "Well, I guess I'm just nervous that something's gonna come up and ruin it. I'm really excited about meeting your parents, seeing your room, getting to spend time with you..." he trailed off, a light blush dusting his cheeks.

I stared at him, a flicker of hope rising within me. I mean, if he's that excited to hang out with me, then maybe...but I brushed those thoughts away and responded to him, assuring him that everything would be fine.

"Don't worry," I said. "The worst thing that could happen is my parents having something come up so you wouldn't get to meet them. Other than that, it'll be fine."

Like I said, nothing happened to change our plans. By Friday afternoon, Edwin was following me onto a public bus that would take us to my house about fifteen minutes away from school.

"Your parents don't drive you?" Edwin was saying as we boarded the bus and found seats to sit down in.

"No," I replied. "They both have work until like five. It's just more convenient for me to take public transportation."

"And why not take a school bus? It's free, and I'm sure if you signed up for it, there'd be a bus that could pick you up."

"I just...don't feel comfortable sitting with a bunch of people from our school. I mean, I don't really have any friends aside from you..." I trailed off, feeling a bit nervous about exposing myself like that to him.

"Oh," he replied. "What about Nadine? I thought you two were friends."

"Well, not anymore." I told him. A felt the familiar pang of guilt when I remembered just why Nadine and I weren't friends anymore. Of course, Edwin didn't need to know about anything from that situation.

"Really? Why?"

I racked my brain trying to come up with an answer that would make sense. Finally, I told him—"She doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't know why, we kinda just grew apart."

Edwin frowned at me. "I'm sorry about that. I just...I really can't see why anyone would want to grow apart from you. You're an amazing person."

I hesitated, butterflies erupting in my stomach. "Thank you."

My parents were there at the door when Edwin and I arrived at my house not too much later. They greeted him with large smiles and showed him around, offering for him to stay for dinner as well but he (thankfully) declined.

"I'm sorry, I normally would love to but Friday is pizza night at my house and we always watch a movie together as a family," he said. "I appreciate the offer, though. Next time I'll stay, as long as it isn't a Friday." he joked, causing my parents to laugh. I felt a twinge of jealousy—why was he making my parents happy, instead of me, their own son?

"We're gonna go study in my room. We have a project due on Monday that we need to work on." I lied, itching to just go upstairs and be out of my parents' presence. Their gross fakeness was pissing me off and I needed to get away from them before I said something I'd regret.

The two of us then slipped away, me leading Edwin upstairs and into my bedroom. The moment I closed the door, the boy looked at me with a confused expression and asked, "Why did you say that? We don't have a project to work on."

I sat down on my bed as I replied. "I just needed an excuse to get out of the conversation. I didn't wanna be downstairs with them anymore."

"Why?" The boy sat beside me. "Your parents seem really cool, actually. I didn't mind."

"Just because they're nice to you doesn't mean they're nice to me," I snapped, regretting the words the moment they came from my mouth. "Sorry," I immediately apologized, feeling bad for replying to him with such a rude tone. "I shouldn't have been rude like that."

"No, no, it's fine," Edwin brushed off my apology, looking concerned. "I understand. You weren't being rude. But...now I'm worried. What do you mean they're not nice to you?"

I looked away from him and down at my carpet, not knowing how to respond. I didn't want to lie to him about it, but I also felt so incredibly uncomfortable with discussing something like my parents when they could very well be just outside my door listening or something. Even if they weren't...I didn't wanna take that risk.

"Normally...I would tell you everything, but just...not here," I finally spoke. "Not right now. I want to spend time with you without talking about all the bad things. Is that okay?"

"Of course," Edwin smiled. "That's completely fine."

We dropped the topic and decided to rifle through the closet in the hallway and find a board game I wanted to play with the boy (mostly because I knew I would win). When we finally found it buried underneath a pile of scarves on the top shelves, we went back to my room and set up the board while I told Edwin how to play.

About fifteen minutes later, I was very clearly winning yet my friend was in complete denial.

"Come on," he whined. "This dice has to be broken or something, there's no way I haven't gotten a single 'one'."

"It's just up to chance," I told him, rolling the die as it was my turn again. "And you just happen to keep being screwed over by fate. Sorry. Pun intended," I added.

Edwin scoffed and watched as I rolled a three and moved my green piece forward. On his next roll though, the boy finally managed to receive a 'one' so he got to move a piece out of the start and actually play the game properly.

The game ended shortly after that, as I was so far ahead of Edwin that all of my pieces ended up reaching home before his single piece got to move much at all. My friend was incredibly distraught after losing so I brought him downstairs and into the kitchen to find a snack to eat.

"You don't have ice cream?" Edwin was saying, staring into my freezer with an overly-the-top frown on his face.

"No, I already told you I'd never had ice cream before when we went to the ice cream parlor," I reminded him. "My parents don't like it so they've never bought it."

"Ah, yeah, I forgot," he said, closing the freezer door. "Sorry. I just really like ice cream. I'm offended that your parents don't like it."

"Yeah, well, there's lots of things my parents do that would offend you." I deadpanned, opening a cabinet and pulling out a box of cookies before setting it on the counter.

Edwin started laughing harder than I ever heard him laugh before, taking me by surprise. I turned to face him as he was doubled over, face red, looking as if was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. I stared at him, trying to suppress a smile, but I was still confused as to why he was laughing over a sentence I didn't even think was that funny.

"I'm sorry," he choked out after a few seconds, finally recovering. "I'm sorry. That was just so fucking funny."

"Really?" I asked, opening the package of cookies and taking one out. "It wasn't really meant to be a joke."

"Oh, I'm sorry—"

"No, don't apologize," I stopped him. "I'm not mad that you thought it was funny. I was just surprised."

After a few seconds, "I think you're quite naturally funny, y'know." Edwin told me.

"Thanks." I replied, taking a bite out of the cookie in my hand while smiling at him.

Afterwards we decided to take a walk through my neighborhood. I immediately decided that walking was my favorite thing to do with the boy. Going on walks always made him open up more to me and in a strange way, walking down the sidewalk in the warm air and setting sun just made me feel elated.

"So, what do you wanna talk about?" Edwin asked, swinging his arms back and forth as we stepped off my porch and onto the pavement.

"I don't know," I admitted, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket. "I kinda thought you would come up with something. You always do."

Edwin hummed. "True. I don't know what to talk about now, though...I'm too distracted."

"By what?"

The boy glanced at me and smiled funnily, as if he was holding back a laugh. "I dunno."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you know. Tell me."

My friend just looked at me for a few moments before averting his gaze to the sidewalk and giggling to himself.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, you're just..."

"I'm what?" I pressed.

"You're just you," he said. "Not in a bad way, of course."

"Of course."

We fell into a comfortable silence after that, the only sound being our shoes hitting the sidewalk with every step we took. I kept glancing at him, hoping he would say something but he just had some stupid grin on his face. I wanted to know what he was being so weird about but I didn't wanna be annoying, so I dropped it and moved on to a different topic.

"Do you wanna know everything about my parents?"

I could feel Edwin's stare. "Only if you're comfortable sharing."

I nodded. "I am."

"Then go ahead. I'll just listen." he told me.

And so, I explained everything to the boy. How my parents have treated me like dirt growing up, my dad and his drinking problem, my mom eventually turning into a bystander to the abuse, probably scared my dad would turn on her and treat her the way he's treated me for all of my life.

I told him about the number of times I'd have to skip meals in order to avoid my parents, and sometimes they would forget to put money in my lunch account so I'd have to starve the entire school day before I got home. I painstakingly told him that my parents were vicious about my grades, yelling and degrading me if something slipped below a B. I told him how not even a week after I turned sixteen my parents forced me to get a job so they wouldn't have to pay for the bus or my school lunch anymore.

I hesitantly told him of the many times my dad had put his hands on me, shoving me into the wall while my mom just stood to the side, completely allowing it to happen. Edwin cringed at my retelling of the time when I was only about ten years old and I fell off a tree in my backyard and sprained my ankle, and no matter how much I cried out for my parents who were just inside the house, they didn't come help me until hours later when the sun was already beginning to set.

I told him of the countless sleepless nights I endured throughout my life, anxiety seeping deep into my bones and eventually sending me into a full-blown panic attack over seemingly nothing. I recalled a story from when I was twelve and my parents yelled at me until nearly two am about stuff I couldn't even remember anymore and I didn't sleep at all the entire night. I went to school a few hours later and fell asleep in all of my classes, which got me sent home and my dad whipped me with a belt as punishment (thankfully, that was the last time he had done that to me).

When I finally finished retelling to my friend as much as I could remember, he was silent for a long time. My skin prickled with nerves, not quite understanding why he was so quiet after I finished the explanation. Was it shock, maybe? Disgust? Did he want to run away and stop being my friend but didn't know how to do it without making me upset?

I just wished he would say something.

Edwin eventually grabbed my wrist and pulled me from the sidewalk and onto a grassy area around the curve of the road, a line of trees a few yards away blocking sight of the fence that lined someone's yard. We sat down in a patch of sunlight that warmed the ground and the back of our necks. I looked at him expectantly as he stared down at his hands, appearing as though he was fighting for the right words to come. I was patient, though, and let him figure out what to say, no matter if it was something good or bad for me. I knew deep down that I could trust Edwin and even if he had something bad to say, he wouldn't abandon me no matter what.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing he said after a painfully quiet few minutes. "For...for what those horrible people have done to you. You didn't deserve any of that, at all." He sounded heartbroken, almost. "Kyran, they've been abusing you. Horribly. You...you need to tell someone about this, like—like a school counselor or—"

"No," I exclaimed firmly. "Absolutely not. It would just make things worse."

"No it wouldn't," Edwin argued. "Please listen to me."

"Nobody would believe me and my parents would just be pissed off and punish me more. I might as well just move out when I'm eighteen, I'm nearly there anyway."

"But that's...that's two more years. Who knows what they'll do to you before then?" The boy looked close to tears and I felt my heart drop at the sight of his red, watery eyes.

"If I've survived this long, just another two years will be nothing," I reasoned. "Please, just let me handle it. It'll be completely fine."

Edwin looked completely unsure, but he still agreed. "Okay. But if anything else happens, please tell me. Don't keep it to yourself, that just makes it worse."

"I'll tell you, I promise."

He stared at me, tears still threatening to fall. It suddenly hit me as to how much he really did care about me. Neither Dan nor Nadine had cried whenever I vented to them about the horrific things my parents did to me, and rarely ever did they give good advice. Nadine at least tried to be concerned for about a week before she went back to normal and acted like everything was completely fine. Dan, on the other hand, never showed an ounce of sympathy, simply telling me to just "get over it" every time I told him my parents had verbally assaulted me.

We returned to my house a while later. After I had told him everything, despite how embarrassed I was, I strangely felt much closer to the boy than I had been before. It was like a light switch flipped on and I felt much more for him than just a simple butterfly-inducing crush—I actually began to realize that I loved him.

My heart began to thump madly as I thought of this, the two of us back in my bedroom and watching a movie on Edwin's iPad mini he had brought over. The boy was incredibly engrossed with it while I felt a bit bored, having already seen it before, so I resorted to thinking of random things to keep myself at bay for the next hour and a half, since pulling out my phone would've been rude. Unfortunately, though, my thoughts kept going straight to Edwin no matter how hard I tried to steer away from him. All I could think about was how nervous I felt to be near him, how much I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and pull his lips onto mine. I felt my face heating up and I pulled the pillow I was clutching closer, thankful that Edwin was still staring at the screen and he didn't look up at me at all.

Eventually I fell asleep curled up underneath my blanket, lulled by the warmth radiating off of Edwin's skin and the sound of rain beginning to fall, droplets periodically hitting the window with small pitter patters.

When I woke up, feeling groggy and my head pounding, I found that it was much darker than before and a different movie was now playing on the iPad. I looked over to Edwin, who glanced at me with a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He said.

Confused, I replied. "Huh? What'd you do?"

Edwin chuckled. "I dropped my water bottle on the ground and it was very loud. I thought that might have woken you up."

"Maybe, I don't know," I mumbled, my eyes straining to look at him in the dim light provided by the iPad screen. "It doesn't matter anyway, I should be awake now." I sat up and checked my phone, feeling anxious when I realized it was seven pm and Nathan would be on his way to pick up Edwin from my house.

Noticing me checking the time, Edwin practically read my thoughts. "Yeah, Nathan just left like five minutes ago, so he'll be here soon. I don't really wanna leave, though." He frowned and picked at a stray thread on my blanket. "I've had so much fun today."

"Next time you could spend the night, I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem." I offered, turning my body left in order to face him comfortably.

Edwin widened his eyes. "Really? That—that'd be great. When are you thinking? I mean, not to rush you or anything but I'm just excited, y'know?"

"I know," I smiled at him. "Maybe next weekend. And on Saturday so you don't have to miss out on your Friday pizza party with your family." I teased, slapping his knee playfully.

"Okay." he grinned.

I stood at my front door a few minutes later, saying goodbye to Edwin as his brother parked in the driveway to pick him up.

"I'll text you," he said while pulling away from the hug he had just engulfed me in. "And I guess I'll see you on Monday. Unless you work tomorrow?"

"I do." I nodded.

"Alright. Then I'll see you tomorrow, maybe."

"Maybe."

We stared at each other for a moment more until Edwin eventually turned and stepped onto the porch. "Bye!" he called out, waving his hand. I returned the wave and watched as he walked down the porch steps and got into the passenger side of Nathan's car. The car rolled out of my driveway and down the road as a yearning feeling spread within me. Edwin had been gone for not even a minute and I already missed him terribly.

I stepped back inside my house with a sigh.

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