There's something sad inside of me now.

It's not me. I'm happy as can be. It's something causing me to be sad.

Could it be my heart is..breaking?

I have to leave my friends..again.. and leave my loved theatre camp and be expected to act like it didn't change my fucking life. (Spoiler alert, it did!)

I have so many lines, but for some odd reason, I don't think I want to perform them. I think.. I want to stay here, forever. There's never a bad day here. There are bad moments, but never a bad day. Hell.. are there even bad moments?

And.. oh god, my best friend's leaving me right after the show too. We can't even cry together. Obviously, I respect their decision to go home. A part of me, the complainy part, wants to go home and sleep in my own damn bed.

But I know I couldn't do that. This town at least gives me some connection to them. Like maybe I'll run into one of them at the movie theater, or at the Pizza Hut down the street, or maybe I'll see one of their cars.

This is my way of coping. Of grieving. Of bracing myself.

Because I know what's about to happen is going to do bad things to me.

I think I'll handle it okay. My heart will be shattered from being expected to forget this beautiful place, this utopia where maybe everything really is perfect. Leaving behind my friends and having to think about the fact I may never see them again.

And remembering the people from last year who I did actually never see again.

Nyah. Ruby. Levi.

It's a little hard without them here, too. But I see them here. I see them in perhaps a girl's humor, or a boy's smile. I see them all around.

So maybe, maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe it will be easier as times go on. I could see some of them again. I know Brady's already asking to make plans for when I come down again. And even though I don't keep in touch with the others as well, I can watch their lives on Snapchat.

I want to live through them vicariously, as long as I get to live with them at all.

Don't get me wrong. My heart is still shattering. I can hear the cracks. In less than a day, I will have performed my show. Said my final line. Done the final bow. Said and gave my final goodbyes.

And then, and then they will be gone. All of it. I'll try to get their number, their Snapchat, or something. Because I still want to see them shine. But I will not text, not because I do not want to, but because I do not know what to say.

It sucks when you and your friend only really have one good memory to share.

And that that memory can last so long but feel like nothing all at once.

So this goes out to all my theatre camp friends, of old and of new. As we speak, I am currently trying not to cry in the bathroom as I think about how much I will miss all of you. But I promise, I will search for you. I will not forget you.

Your names will be remembered.

And I love you.