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CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
what i am.
season three, episode four.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Billie arrived at the hospital that morning, ran into the locker room and began changing right away. Unfortunately, to her bad luck, Alex arrived too just as she made it her job to take off her t-shirt, and she hated that she didn't hate the way his eyes lowered down to her naked torso.

"So Izzie left the house this morning. That's a good sign," George said.

"Topic," Billie claimed.

"Sorry," he grimaced, then turned to Meredith, who chugged down a bottle of Pepto Bismol. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just... not feeling like myself," the blonde replied.

"O'Malley seems to have that effect on women. Ask Doctor Torres." Alex smiled innocently, removing his jacket and t-shirt to reveal a black tank top.

Billie bit her lip, closed her eyes and banged her head softly against the door of her locker, knowing today was definitely going to be a very long day if she kept feeling the way she currently was.

Sexual frustration was really one to get the worst out of her.

Normally, it was to be expected that she'd be awfully concentrated on him as he took off his clothes, but that was before they broke up. Now, Billie couldn't stop staring at him, but regardless of how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, it felt wrong. It was wrong.

Especially when Alex's eyes landed on hers and he noticed her staring.

He looked her up and down almost subconsciously as he removed his own tank top, and the tension was almost ridiculous. They both tossed on their scrub tops and looked away, nearly embarrassed.

Fuck it. She was working on herself. She had to. Then, she'd go back to him. But she had to be able to focus, or else it wouldn't work. But why do things look better when you lose them?

George's eyes landed on Alex, recalling his past statement, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Dude, you threw her out on her ass." He laughed about the fact that George had practically forced Callie to move out.

"I did not! Who told you that?"

"Torres." Alex arched an eyebrow. "Oh, don't worry, I get it. She's hot, but she's not for you."

"Why is that?" George slammed his locker shut.

"Because she's hot."

George walked past them and out of the locker room, followed by Meredith, and soon, it was only Alex and Billie. The girl thought that it was even better feeling sad, or even completely numb, than having to withstand this sort of pressure whenever she was around him.

Alex looked away and closed his locker, then proceeded to walk out of the room. As soon as she was alone, Billie breathed out a sigh of relief.

☆

"Yang, you're late!" Alex yelled.

"Hey! I got here before George."

"I'm here, I was here!"

"Nice of you to join us, Yang," Bailey said, deadpan. Alex looked over his shoulder and smirked at Cristina.

"What are you smiling about? Aren't you supposed to be in the Gynie brigade?" she mocked.

"Yeah, whatever."

They kept walking down the hallways, but Meredith stopped briefly and leant her hand against the wall for some support, placing her hand over her mouth and breathing in deeply. Billie stopped next to her and frowned.

"Woman troubles?"

"Men troubles." She sighed. "I think this dating two guys thing is getting to me. The stress of it. Finn, Derek. Derek, Finn. I think I'm getting an ulcer."

"So, the hot doctor and the vet pining for you are making you sick?" Billie arched an eyebrow. "Your life sucks, Mer."

"I just need to make a choice and get it over with."

The brunette looked her up and down, "Yeah, you do."

☆

"Shawn Sullivan, sixty-two. Had minimally-invasive bypass surgery two days ago to remove the blockage from his LAD," George introduced.

"I'm all better now, thank you, George," the man on the bed said as he removed his nasal cannula. "So, what do you think? Can I stop being a burden to you good people and head on home?"

"You need to stop interrupting the doctors, Shawnie. You just need to listen to what they say," his wife said from her seat next to him.

"I need to get back to the dealership. They're gonna can me if I'm out too long." He smiled.

"They can't can you, sweetie, you're the best salesman they've got."

"What do you sell?" Billie asked with a kind smile.

"Cars."

"Nice, what's your favorite?"

"I love me a good Subaru Impreza." He nodded his head. "You?"

"I like the BMW E21, but I have a thing for black Ford Mustangs." Billie laughed, and the man chuckled as well.

"I sell those!" Shawn turned to her wife. "This girl knows her stuff."

"My Shawnie could sell anything," she added to the conversation.

"Yeah, I believe he can," Bailey said. "What he can't sell me on is going back to work before he gets his oxygen levels up. So you put that oxygen back on, Mr. Sullivan, before I even think about letting you out of here. You know, and if I do, I want your word: nothing fried, no alcohol and no cigarettes."

"What? You're tough, Miranda."

"I need your word, Mr. Sullivan, or I'm not gonna sign those discharge papers."

The man raised his hand by his side, "I give you my word."

"Alright, then." Bailey laughed. "Mrs. Sullivan, you need to go to the front desk to fill out some paperwork and then you can take your husband home."

The resident plus her intern class all left the Sullivans' room, but as they did, Bailey looked over her shoulder and noticed how sick Meredith looked.

"You alright, Dr. Grey?" she asked.

"Yeah, Dr. Bailey. I just..." she began, sitting down on one of the waiting seats. "...need to make a choice, is all."

Just then, Derek approached them. He placed his hand on Billie's back briefly and then he walked up to Meredith, "Dr. Grey, I am clipping a basilar tip aneurysm, any interest?"

Meredith didn't answer, but with perfect timing and as if the situation couldn't get any worse, Addison walked up to the group, looked at Meredith and Derek awkwardly, and then stood by Bailey.

"Dr. Bailey, can I get-"

Everybody froze.

In front of them, shaking hands with the Chief and wearing one of the hospital lab coats, was Mark Sloan.

"Oh, my God," Addison whispered.

Derek looked up and his eyes widened in utter horror, so he grumbled, "Oh, my God."

"Oh, my God!" Billie squealed out as a huge smile tugged at her lips due to the surprise.

"Oh, my God," Meredith whispered under her breath sickishly.

"Is that...?"

"McSteamy." Cristina smiled.

Just then, Meredith finally broke and vomited on the ground, so everybody took their eyes off of Mark and turned towards her. Bailey ran in her direction and frowned.

George's eyes, however, landed somewhere else. Behind them, Shawn Sullivan held a cigarette and a lighter close to his mouth, but George noticed the mistake before anyone else did.

"No, Mr. Sullivan, don't light that!"

With the smoke in his mouth, Shawn flicked on the lighter and, due to the nasal cannula providing him oxygen, his face caught up on a fire that lit up the entire floor. He screamed out in pain.

"We need a fire extinguisher!"

"Call a Code Red!"

☆

"You're burning up," Derek said, feeling Meredith's forehead as the rest of the team worked on the burnt patient.

Billie was there under Bailey's instructions, but she couldn't help but try and peek over the multitude of doctors to catch a glimpse at Mark. She was shocked and almost angry, knowing Mark was in Seattle and he hadn't said anything, but regardless of it, she couldn't help but also feel the happiest she'd ever felt.

"I'm fine." Meredith sighed, grabbing the cup of water handed at her by Cristina.

"You don't look fine. You look beautiful, but you don't look fine."

Cristina scoffed, "Now I'm gonna throw up."

"Go. You have aneurysms to clip," Meredith insisted at Derek, ignoring her person's comment. "And surgeons to confront."

"You gonna be alright?" he asked, glancing over at Mark, who appeared behind them talking with the Chief.

"Yeah."

Derek bit his lip anxiously for a second before his eyes landed on Billie, regarding her almost catatonic state, "Will she be fine?"

"Eh. She'll come around." Cristina shrugged.

"Okay." He nodded. "Will you look after them both, please?"

"Mhm!"

The three girls stood by the nurses station with their eyes on Mark, who still spoke to the Chief. Derek nodded and walked towards the duo, engaging on a silent conversation the girls couldn't hear from afar, but seemed heated. After that, Derek and the Chief walked away and had a secluded conversation elsewhere, leaving room for Addison to walk up to Mark.

"You think I'd miss this?" Cristina scoffed before she nudged the brunette with her elbow, but the girl didn't answer. "You good?"

Billie's eyes were fixed on Mark and Addison so long as the redhead walked away, to which she took the open spot. Ignoring her friend's words, she ran up to the man she hadn't expected to see.

"Mark!" she yelled, speechless. As soon as his eyes were on his, they lightened up.

"Lizzie!" He smiled, allowing the girl to jump into his arms.

He spun her around briefly, molded into the tight embrace, before he was putting her back down, staring into her eyes with his hands around her waist. Billie laughed vibrantly.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you let me know?"

"I just got here. And, uh, apparently, I work here now." He winked.

Billie's face fell, "Wait, you do?"

"Yeah!"

"Does Derek know about this?" She bit the corner of her lip anxiously, glancing over at the man in question, who still chatted angrily with the Chief.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on my side." Mark frowned childishly, pursing his lips.

"I'm on nobody's side. I'm in Switzerland." She shrugged. "But I'm just saying, Derek beat the crap out of you last time. I've no doubt he's capable of doing it again."

Just as Mark was about to defend his point, Meredith vomited again on the other side of the hall, causing Cristina to crouch down beside her and widen her eyes, speaking loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "Holy crap, are you pregnant?"

Everybody's eyes turned towards them and Billie's lips parted in shock. On the other hand, Addison, who was hanging close by, huffed out just as Derek rushed down the stairs to help, so the redhead turned to him.

"Well, this is just perfect," she said. "An adulterous love child."

"Goes along with an adulterous sociopath."

☆

"So, who's the father?" Billie arched an eyebrow as she palpated Meredith's abdomen in the search for the cause of her sudden vomiting episodes.

"I'm not pregnant."

"Didn't think I was pregnant when I was pregnant either, but the abdominal pain, the fever, the non-stop vomiting." Cristina chuckled from the other side of the room, sitting up on the counter.

"I'm not pregnant," Meredith repeated, wincing softly as Billie reached a certain point of her stomach that seemed to hurt.

"You don't know who the father is, do you?" she said amusedly.

"It would have to be Derek's. There's no way it could be Finn's."

Cristina looked up, "You haven't had sex with the vet yet? You gotta get out of that relationship. Immediately."

"Agreed," Billie added.

Meredith sighed, "I can't be pregnant, can I?"

"With McBaby?"

Cristina chuckled at Billie's comment, but yet again, the brunette reached another point on Meredith's abdomen that made her wince. She moved over to feel her neck just as Bailey walked in.

"Was I this mean to Cristina when you were pregnant?" Meredith asked Billie.

"I thought you said you weren't pregnant," Cristina pointed out.

"She's not," Bailey interfered. "We'll have to run more tests."

"In that case, can I have some morphine?"

☆

"You two are good friends," Meredith said from her spot on the bed.

Billie and Cristina glanced over at each other from opposite sides of the bed, "You're so high right now."

"Actually, you're my best friends in the whole entire world."

Cristina scoffed and looked up at the brunette, "Now I just feel sorry for her."

"Why? 'Cause I could die today?"

"This is why I hate being around stoned people."

Billie snorted, "Back in high school, I was usually the stoned people."

"And if I did die today, I'd only be remembered as the slutty intern who dated two doctors." Meredith ignored her friends' words, raising two fingers.

"No, one doctor." Cristina shook her head.

"One vet," Billie added.

"Derek, Finn. Derek or Finn," Meredith chanted. "I'd die as the girl who couldn't make a choice, right?"

"Probably, but none of that matters, because you'll be dead," Cristina said nonchalantly.

Billie laughed inwardly just as Bailey walked in, followed along by George, "Dr. Grey."

Billie and Cristina immediately shot up to their feet at the presence of their resident, straightening their scrubs.

"You've got a fever, high white count, and tenderness over McBurney's point, which suggests-"

"Appendicits," Billie, George and Cristina chorused.

"Appendicitis," Meredith said with a few-seconds delay.

"Dr. O'Malley, prep Dr. Grey for surgery. You're scrubbing in."

"I am? On Meredith's appendectomy?"

"I, uh... am I the only one who remembers the last time George scrubbed in on an appendectomy? He almost killed the guy. Sorry, George." Meredith shrugged.

"I don't have to scrub in, Dr. Bailey, I could just, uh-" the man said hesitantly, but Bailey stared him down. "Unless you want me to, which, you know... not gonna happen again."

"That good enough for you, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith smiled drunkenly, ignoring the resident's comment, "You're pretty."

Bailey looked at her deadpan as the blonde scrunched up her nose, so the resident decided to leave the room with a sigh of complete tiredness. George followed her out, but Meredith yelled out to him.

"George, ice chips!"

☆

"Oh, hi there," Edward said once he saw Billie approaching him. He finished signing off the chart on his hand and turned to look at her.

"Hey," she greeted tiredly.

"Haven't seen you all day. You left early. Everything good?"

Billie propped her elbows on the counter and dug her face onto her palms, huffing out into them, "Great. Yeah. Really great."

The man looked at her for a second, knowing nothing was great, "Okay, out with it."

Billie looked at him sideways.

"Mark's here," she said. "You know, tall, handsome, whore. The guy I told you about. From New York?"

"He's here?" Edward's eyes widened a little in disbelief, catching up on his follow-up of Billie's personal drama. "Why?"

"Apparently, he works here now." Billie sighed. "And- And I mean, I'm glad. Really, I'm happy he's here. But my life is a mess right now, I don't- I'm not sure I can handle his and Derek's problems on top of it all. Trust me, knowing them both, I know for a fact they're gonna dump it all on me. And some other day, I'd be more than happy to solve their shit for them, but I just... it's not a good time."

Edward nodded in understanding, then stated words he feared, "Have you thought about getting a Psych consult? Maybe calling up for therapy? Talking to someone can really help you-"

"I'm not crazy, Edward." Billie scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief at his words.

The man hesitated, "No, I know, I wasn't-"

"I'm not crazy!" she repeated a bit louder, catching the attention of a few people around them, but efficiently getting Edward to stop his sentence.

He looked at her in concern and stayed quiet for a second, but sighed, "I know. I'm sorry for suggesting so."

☆

After leaving Edward behind, Billie wandered about the hospital before he came up to Mark, who was leaving Shawn Sullivan's room with a chart on hand. She caught up to him and grabbed his arm.

"Wait, so, you're staying for good?" Billie pulled Mark up to a side. The man smiled charmingly.

"For bad too."

"But, like, for real? Real real?"

"Real real."

Billie nodded her head slowly, thinking about all of the drama that was going to follow her for the following weeks if Mark, Derek and Addison didn't sort out their shit soon. She looked up at him.

"Well, so, how are things going?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the wall.

"So far so good." He shrugged before an idea popped up in his head. "Hey, you wanna scrub in on my burn victim?"

"Mr. Sullivan? Yeah-" Billie began with a smile, but quickly stopped herself. "Wait, I thought you already had an intern on the case."

"Karev? C'mon, he's useless. Can't even bring me the right coffee. I mean, double bone dry cappuccino, how hard is it?" Mark laughed. "He won't be trouble if you decide to scrub in."

"I won't scrub in if he's there."

Mark frowned and looked her up and down, trying to somehow read her nuances, which had switched to a much nervous format, "What's wrong?"

"Him and I are kinda... you know," Billie said, gesturing with her hands awkwardly and lowering her voice a little. "You know."

"Oh, God, are you sleeping with him?"

"No!" She slapped her forehead. "I just can't be with him. Please, don't make me be with him."

"Chill, I'm not gonna make you do anything." Mark laughed softly. "You wanna tell me why though?"

Billie looked at him briefly, pressing her lips together, but luckily, a man approached them, therefore saved her from the painful situation. However, when the girl recognized him, her face fell.

"Elizabeth?" He smiled shortly, walking up to them and making Mark turn to look at him too.

Billie looked him up and down with a pained frown, "Mr. Duquette?"

His grin widened, "Hello, dear."

☆

After requesting the afternoon off, changing back into her street clothes and kissing her friends goodbye (although not before making Meredith promise she wouldn't die), Billie arrived at Joe's bar, where the unexpected man was waiting for her already sitting on one of the booths. She took in a very deep breath and walked up to him hesitantly, feeling her heart failing her with every step she took.

Billie stood by the table and gave him a tight-lipped smile, "Hey."

He smiled widely and gestured his hand in front of him for her to sit down. She complied, placing her bag by her side but not riding the stiffness that held her body, afraid of what was about to happen.

"Wow. The last time I saw you, you were just a child. You're all grown up now." He leant in with a reminiscing smile. "It's been forever, Elizabeth."

The girl nodded, awkward at the bitter taste of her old name, "It has, sir, yes."

"Oh, please, I've known you since you were a baby. You can call me Denny." He waved her off, but Billie's body went tense.

"I can't, sir, I'm sorry.

His smile faltered a little, confused at the sudden statement. He frowned, but finally caught up and nodded out of respect, understanding the hidden motive behind her rejection. The statement was followed by a brief silence full of discomfort, but it didn't take long for Billie to swallow thickly and restart the conversation.

"So, uh... what brings you to Seattle? I thought Denny's-" She asked shakily, but stopped herself and rephrased. "I thought you were burying him in Memphis."

"We did. It was... me and his mother. It was beautiful. He would've wanted you there." He nodded and Billie breathed deeply. "I'm here because I have something to give you. Something he wanted to give you."

She eyed him, confused at the prior statement, but remained silent as in unspoken permission for him to keep speaking. He nodded and reached into the inner pocket of his coat, then took out an envelope which she slid towards Billie.

The girl looked down at it with furrowed eyebrows, "What- What is it?"

"It's Denny's will."

Billie's lips parted in shock. She glanced over at the envelope beneath his hand and then back up at his eyes, feeling like there wasn't enough air in the world.

"Den- Denny left me something?" she asked after a second of assimilation. Mr. Duquette nodded. "What is it?"

The man hesitated, "I think you're gonna wanna open this on your own."

☆

That night, Billie arrived at her place. Not Edward's place, Meredith's place. She walked into the house with a half-empty bottle of vodka on her hand which she had stopped at a liquor shop to buy and didn't even bother to leave her keys on the entrance table when she dragged her feet towards the living room. Sitting on the couch, Izzie Stevens looked up at her.

She bolted to her feet as soon as she recognized her, discerning the hatred behind Billie's eyes but surprised at the sight of her regardless, pretending not to see what was in front of her. Around her, Izzie had to walk on eggshells.

"Billie," she called out with uncertainty to her voice.

The woman in question just looked at her in despise, then tossed her bag and the open envelope to her. Izzie caught both things just in time before they fell to the floor, although receiving a sore impact to her stomach. Billie didn't care. She simply brought the bottle to her lips and took a long swig out of it, feeling the burning liquor cascading down her throat.

Izzie looked down at the ripped-up envelope on her hand and slowly retrieved the contents of it, coming in sight with a check for twelve million dollars. She stared back up at Billie, almost horrified.

"What is this?" She asked quietly, concerned.

The brunette put down the bottle with a cynical smile on her face, although teary eyes gave her away, "Uh, it's a will."

"A will?"

Billie laughed humorlessly, "A will, Isobel."

Izzie looked back down at the check on her hand, catching sight of the name 'Denny Duquette' written down on it. Her chest halted for a second before it continued its original course, and she looked back up at Billie.

"Yup," the brunette drawled. "It's a fucking will. You know why? Because my uncle recently died and decided to leave his whole fucking fortune to me. Oh, wait, you did know that, because you were the one who killed him."

Izzie seemed hurt at the words, but Billie didn't care. She took another chug of the bottle and glared at Izzie.

"Billie, I think you've had enough to drink-"

"I'm gonna fucking decide when I've had enough to drink, Isobel," Billie cut her off harshly. "You get no fucking say on my life anymore, you hear that? You won't come anywhere remotely near me and you won't come anywhere near my family, because if you do, I'll dump on you the two hundred grand for murder charges and I'll have you locked up before you can ever say my name again."

They stayed silent for a second, opportunity which Billie took to walk up to her and whisper, close to Izzie's face.

"You killed him and you're gonna live with what you did until the day you die, Isobel." She used her finger to tap her shoulder roughly. "You're gonna fucking remember my face every day and every night and you're gonna remember the way he looked after you murdered him, because that's the only thing you deserve to know: pain. You deserve all the pain God can give you."

Izzie's eyes filled with tears instinctively, but she didn't say anything because deep down, despite her apparent love for Denny, she knew Billie was right. She knew she deserved those words.

"You deserve to live in misery, Isobel," Billie finally whispered. "And I'll make sure you will."

After stating her last words, she snatched her bag and her check off Izzie's hands and glared at her one final time before she was striding out of the living room, leaving the air behind her bitter with the taste of grief.