Wednesday, May twenty seventh, 2020 - Toronto, Canada

I laid in my boyfriend's bed, staring at the wall. My knees were curled up to my chest, and it honestly felt like I couldn't move. That's how I always feel when my depression kicks in. It feels like I can't talk, I can't move, I can't do anything. My boyfriend of a little over five months, the singer and songwriter Shawn Mendes, was sitting in his living room, writing music. I wanted him to lay with me. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to give me forehead kiss. I wanted him to give me so much love, but I didn't want to move.

It was still morning. Shawn probably thought that I had fallen back asleep or something. I soon heard footsteps coming closer, and then Shawn came into view. I looked at him, hoping that he would see that I was sad and hold me. I moved the blanket a bit so he could lay with me. He smiled, took his shirt off, laid down in bed, and faced me. When he saw the sad look on my face, his expression changed from smiling to worried.

"Are you okay bunny?" He asked. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I was too sad to do anything. I didn't even know why I was so sad and depressed. My eyes moved around Shawn's face and then back to his eyes. His worried eyes. I felt so bad for worrying him. "Can you tell me why you look sad?" Shawn asked. I knew that I needed to say something, but I also knew that using my voice when I felt so depressed was going to take all of the strength that I had. I closed my eyes and took three slow, deep breaths before opening my eyes and looking into his beautiful brown eyes.

"Will you hold me please?" I asked, but it came out in a whisper. Shawn nodded and scooted closer to me, and I found some strength to scoot closer to him. I buried my face in his chest, placed a gentle kiss there before aiming my face up towards him a bit, and wrapped one of my arms around his torso. He used one of his hands to rub the back of my head, his other hand resting on the small of my back. I closed my eyes at the feeling of him rubbing the back of my head, but opened them when he began speaking to me.

"I don't know what's going on, and I don't know why you look so sad, but I'm right here baby, and I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Shawn asked. I nodded my head slightly.

"Okay." I whispered. I wanted to apologize to him. I felt so bad. I wanted to tell him what was going on in my mind, but I also didn't want to talk. I wished that he could read my mind.

"Y/n, bunny, is there a song that describes how you're feeling?" Shawn asked. I thought for a moment before nodding so slightly I'm surprised he saw it. "If I get you your phone, will you play it for me please?" He asked. I nodded again. He got my phone from the dresser and then gave it to me as he laid back down with me. I went to Spotify and began to play i can't breathe by Bea Miller.

"Somebody get me a hammer / Wanna break all the clocks and the mirrors / And go back to a time that was different / A time when I didn't feel like there was something missing / Now my body and mind are so distant / Don't know how to escape from this prison / How can I free my mind? / Cause I can't breathe" Bea Miller sang.

As the song played, I watched Shawn's facial expression. When the chorus began to play, Shawn looked at me, tears brimming his eyes, and he put his hand on my cheek as he rested his forehead against mine. I couldn't help the tears that came to my eyes as well. Shawn and I listened to the song as we cried. He used his thumb to rub my cheek, keeping his forehead against mine. I rested my hand over his. When the song came to an end, Shawn kissed my forehead and let his lips linger there, which I had already learned is one of his ways of saying I love you. He looked at me, tears still falling from his eyes.

"Why are you crying my love?" I asked in a whisper. He used the pad of his thumb to wipe away my tears.

"Because my girl is in pain and I want to take that pain away. Do you know why you're sad?" Shawn asked. I shook my head.

"No. I'm, I'm really sorry that I haven't been talking or anything. When I get depressed, it takes a lot out of me, and it makes me not want to do anything. I'm sorry." I said. Shawn shook his head.

"Don't apologize for that, it's okay. What can I do? What can I do to help you?" Shawn asked. I thought for a moment before more tears escaped my eyes and then my body was shaking with sobs.

"I don't know. I just want you to hold me, p-please." I said. Shawn gently pulled me as close to him as possible. He rubbed my back and put one of his legs over my hip so I couldn't go anywhere.

"I've got you, I've got you baby, I'm right here. Let it all out. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." Shawn said. I looked up at him as my cries calmed down a bit.

"Do you promise you won't go anywhere?" I asked. He nodded and kissed my forehead.

"Of course I promise. I'll keep holding you for as long as you want me to, okay?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay." I said.

"Would you mind if, while I lay with you, I make a post about you? It's Wednesday, and you are my women crush." Shawn said with a smile. I smiled a little.

"That's fine baby. Did you like what I posted about you on man candy Monday?" I asked him.

"Of course I did." Shawn said with a big smile. We had gone public with our relationship less than a week ago, so on Monday, just a few days after we went public, I posted a few of the pictures that I had taken of him on my camera. In one of the pictures, his back was to me as he looked out at the view from his balcony. In the second picture, he had his head turned towards me as he smiled at me, and in the last picture, he was turned completely towards me, his smile huge, his hands reaching out for me as he walked towards me.

"Happy #mcm to this hunk! I love you babyyy." I had captioned it. Shawn commented on it twice, the first time saying that he loved me too, and the second time he mentioned Josiah, his tour photographer in the comment.

"Watch out @Josiahvandien because my girl is a wonderful photographer! You should see the other pictures she's taken, they're beautiful!" Shawn had commented.

"So you're going to make a post about me?" I asked Shawn as I laid with him. He brushed some hair out of my face. My tears had stopped.

"Yup. You're my woman crush Wednesday, and my woman crush every single day baby girl. You're so beautiful." Shawn said. I blushed at his words.

"Thank you. You're so handsome. I'm tired from all that crying." I said after I yawned.

"Rest your eyes my love. I'll make the post while you sleep. Rest, and I'll be here when you wake up." Shawn said. I nodded, yawned again, and then closed my eyes.

"I love you Shawn." I said as I cuddled my face into his chest. He kissed my head.

"I love you too Y/n. Sleep well sweetheart." Shawn said.

"Okay." I said in a whisper, already half asleep. I quickly drifted off to sleep, and when I woke up, Shawn was still laying there, holding me, a smile adorning his handsome face.

"Hi baby. How was your nap?" He asked, his voice in a soft whisper as rubbed my back.

"It was good. I feel a lot better. Thank you for laying with me." I said. Shawn's smile widened before he kissed my forehead.

"You're welcome sweetheart." He said.

"How long was I asleep for?" I asked.

"About half an hour." He said. I nodded and sat up.

"I'm hungry." I said as I stretched my arms. Shawn sat up with me.

"Well, how about I make you some chocolate chip pancakes while you sit in the living room? I made that post about you if you want to look at it when you get a chance." Shawn said. I smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, thank you." I said. He nodded, kissed my cheek, and we got out of bed. I got ready for the day as Shawn went into the kitchen. I then grabbed my phone, sat on the couch in the living room, and checked Shawn's Instagram. He had posted a picture of me that he had taken when we went out to dinner on my birthday. I was wearing the red jumpsuit that he bought me, my hair was curled - it was the first time that he had ever seen it curled - and I had some light makeup on. I was smiling a huge smile at him, we had just spent the most wonderful day together.

"Happy #wcw to the most beautiful, most gorgeous, most stunning woman in the world. You never fail to take my breath away baby, and I fall for you more and more every single day and with each new adventure that we take together. I love you so, so, so much bunny!" Shawn captioned it. I liked the post and then commented.

"I love you so much too! Life with you is so beyond incredible and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life and partner in love." I commented. Shawn walked into the room right after I commented on the post and I smiled at him.

"Did you see the post?" He asked as he handed me my pancakes. I nodded.

"Yes, thank you for that. I just commented on it." I said before showing him the comment. He read it and then smiled at me.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you too." I said. I'm so grateful for Shawn and the fact that he's always there for me, even during my darkest, saddest moments.