(Trying something different. Writing from my tablet with two or three fingers.... this is going to take forever.)

I have strange and sordid dealings with life. I give it all the love I have and it tosses me its hardest curve ball to hit and asks that I just take what I've been dealt. Easier said than done. I stumble, trip and fall most days and this when I'm wide awake and aware of my surroundings but still my bat is in hand, ready to swing.

I do things for the sake of pleasing the all-entity of life and it just tells me to put my clothes back on and leave, it has work in the morning. So what do I do? I dress myself, prepare for my departure and ask it to call me  tomorrow - but like any fickle lover - life only calls when it needs something. Life, as it were, is a terrible boyfriend.

Trust me, it has not escaped me that life, the all-entity, could be in philosophical terms God or Jesus or even the summation of my existence. But if it is the summation of my own existence - then I'm screwing myself for nothing. I'm doing it to myself. And while my mind wraps around this theory or perhaps even the truth, I grow angry. To think that all I had to do was treat myself better, love on myself more and complain less. These things don't come as revelations but as quick slaps to the face. Wake up calls are rarely painless.

So do I laugh or cry over this?

A little bit of both actually. I'll laugh at the mess I've gotten myself in, hysterically, and mourn the life that could have been. Hell, I'm here now and chin deep in it. No wading, no swimming, not even sinking....just a slow walk to the edge of the pool from the center. 

My drawing board is covered in its intricately stringed splits and conclusions that no one understands but me has become a hindrance. All points and ends lead to me, the poorly hand drawn self portrait in the middle where the eyes are offset and the lips demonstrate Mona Lisa's smile in a mixture of exhaustion, quick wit, disdain and humor.

No wonder my therapist likes me - I'm a walking Choose Your Own Adven....No, A Fuck Up Your Own Life story. I wouldn't be novel length either. I seem to not be able to complete things (mainly projects that I start). Thus I'd be a story that ends in a cliffhanger and not a very good one at that.

I know I'm over thinking things and ripping myself to shreds while I'm at it. But this isn't Liarfest 2016 in which everything I say amounts to a hill of beans. This is effectively Painful, Heartbreaking Light in Your Eyes Truth. Or..the slap on your ass that keeps you right with life Truth. It hurts, it is black and white and its in your face all the time. I'm being harsh with myself for a reason. I feel that I've grown lax...uncaring.... difficult. I have to combat it somehow.

My entire life is filled with things I'm going to do or should be doing and I think if I could just get my brain to cooperate for an hour I'd be a force of awesomeness waiting to spill glitter over every project I have going . Just one hour to complete something.....

But no.

Brain wants ponder the past and get stuck there.

Brain wants to forget about important dates, meetings and appointments.

Brain wants to consider everything under the sun in negative ways.

Brain wants to think of everything to do at crucial moments instead of Focus!

Brain really just wants to be ...disagreeable.

But I'm here in it. Whether brain cooperates or not. I need to see how this thing ends. Will I be standing atop my mountain forged of all my shoulda, coulda wouldas....or will I be at the base of it preparing to add more to it because I haven't had enough, haven't got sick and tired of being sick and tired?  As it goes right now...I'm tired. I want the change I seek. I'm taking steps and soon I'll be taking strides, then jumping and more leaps of faith.

Life, I believe wants that of me. It may be a strengthening I'm experiencing for that climb I'm going to make in the future. Life is pretty much choose your own adventure, might as well make it a good one. So from this point on...there are things to do.

All the ailments of life are able to be vanquished if we are hands on. Its hard work and always will be. Oh but we need enthusiasm to get through it. Will we find it before the next wave hits us?

There has to be a better way than this and maybe there is.

Hm...maybe there is.