(Yeah, I sang it too.)

The mornings are long and I wonder if anyone else feels it too. The days are full of uncertainty and while I've decided to remain positive through it all, slipping into depression is not an option, I press on with a sense of urgency to tame the emotions bubbling up inside me. Tame not suppress because doing that would only kick off anxiety and I don't want that either. I find it scary that something like holidays, elections and life changes have such an effect on me.

I had a meeting today with one of my counselors. We had lunch at the Hibachi Grill in my neighborhood and we talked about ...me. She kept asking me what's wrong and telling me that I'm usually really talkative. All I could think was – is that obvious? And...do I really talk that much when we meet? I didn't think so but I do know that my mood is not the best today. I tried to hide behind the fact that I didn't have my coffee this morning – which I didn't. I woke up late again today but coffee was the furthest thing from my mind as I went about my daily routine and preparing to meet with her for the day. To tell you the truth, I was rather scatter-brained this morning. Things flitted in and out of my mind like little hummingbirds made of pure thought. Each one coming to drink from the well of my mind – leaving me a little used up and less than what I am.

That is an accurate description of what I feel right now – less than.

At times like this when my mind wants to fret over the things that are going on around me, I fight my hardest. I don't give in to the feelings that come and try to overtake me which makes it even harder to stay afloat when I feel like I'm being sucked under a current of emotion and drowning in my own sadness and depression. Times like this is when I recognize the need for those that support me and use of the skills that I've learned to cope and get through this.

Feeling less than yourself, feeling like you're not worthy of anything positive, feeling like you've earned or deserve the things that are happening to you is what happens inside of me when depression rears its ugly head. I don't know what it's like for anyone else but when I begin to feel that way – I shut down and I realize now is not the time to do so. With all of the fighting and the battling of foes that can't be seen, it makes you tired. You become exhausted.

I can't really explain what's wrong with me today. I kind of know what brought it on but I didn't think it would be so noticeable. My eyes aren't as wide and bright as they usually are – I can feel that. They feel like they are barely open. While I don't feel like crying, I feel as though I could. Like if someone says the right or the wrong thing – the flood gates would open and I wouldn't stop. I feel fear trying to force its way to the top and I can tell you now – I'm not willing to let it do so. Fear for me is a gateway for anxiety but I feel it there too.

I talk a good game don't I? I can tell everyone else not to give in to the things going on around them, that they don't have to be afraid...it's all in God's hands...but then I come here and share that I'm not even able to do what I tell everyone else. Hypocrite much? Yeah. So maybe I should just say what I'm thinking instead of what I think everyone wants to hear.

I want very much not to be strong right now. Sounds silly but I want to give in to the tears and I want to let my body relax enough to where I can just sit and be. Do nothing. No distractions. To just feel what I feel. But that's dangerous for me. I don't want to deprive anyone of their expression of emotion. If you feel like punt kicking a pillow across the room – then do so. If you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs as loud as you can – you should probably do that too. But the one thing you don't want to do – is bottle it all up. That is dangerous and it will not benefit anyone including you. Feel what you feel. I want to. I want to just release and know that when I'm done everything will be alright. That I will have gotten everything off my chest and can return to normal.

But it's that normal that's going to kill me. We live in strange times where normal is the outcast of society and it's completely hip to have something wrong with you. I don't want to be hip, I don't want to be made socially acceptable because of my illnesses – I just want to be. I want to cry. I want to scream and yell and yes, kick the shit out of this body pillow. I want to write an angry open letter to America because right now – America is the focus of my anger.

I want to burst all of my ex's tires for being an asshole to my kid. I want to walk throughout my community and knock on doors asking people why they didn't get out and vote. You could hear an echo inside my polling place – it was that empty. I want to walk to my city hall and ask the politician of my city why he didn't put forth the effort to make sure people knew the issues that were present – why did he cancel the town hall meeting that was called before an internet celebrity (Officer Tommy Norman) came and then decided to hold it then. What half assed publicity stunt was that supposed to accomplish? The officer had nothing to do with its timing I'm sure. But the mayor should have known better. I won't even get started on this man...he pisses me off so much.

My daughter just told me to stop biting my bottom lip before it begins to bleed and handed me a tissue. (long heavy sigh)

I live in my brain. Today, with my counselor I only said half of what I was thinking because she asked to know. When we left, that woman was trying to break my silence with small talk. I know what she thinks and I know what's going to happen. Tomorrow morning I'm going to get a call from her and possibly my psychiatrist. She's going to say in her bubbly voice – Hi, Ty! How are you today? Just checking on you to see if you needed anything or wanted to talk. My psychiatrist will question me about my meds and ask if I think I need an adjustment to get through this trying time. I'll say – No. Knowing damn well I need to say yes....I'll say yes and he'll write it up and I'll have an adjusted amount of my antidepressant and its little helper.

He'll suggest that I do no drinking on the meds. I'll listen until the edge makes itself present and I'll treat myself to a brandy with a splash of Dr. Pepper and a lemon wedge. My very own version of a long island tea. I'll drink that and contemplate my existence as I always do and then try my hand at writing directly after. The internet will compete for my attention while I write and I'll forget half of the things I wanted to say. Like I did last night.

I know me. This is almost a routine of mine – only I don't drink every day...though I want to. I drink maybe three times a month...maybe. My weekend will come and I'll be in better spirits like a woman who has been working all week with a horrible boss – I'm unemployed. But I look forward to the weekend because that's when I get to see the coolest kids in the world. They make me laugh, they make me feel good and they make me forget. For instance, last night I was at my sister's house briefly messing with my niece. She asked me, "You're going to leave the United States to live somewhere else – which do you choose – Hawaii or Alaska?" Then she swore that it was a question her friend asked her. My response – I was dumbfounded ...especially since I helped her with her geography test of the United States. Floored!

Then my mom pipes up – "Well, I was talking to a girl at work about having been stationed in Paris when I was in the military and my co-worker said that she'd rather visit France." If the door to the car were open I'd have fallen out. Dude...she works for the US Government. And I'm like – don't you have to take a test to work for the government?? Yes, yes you do. Meanwhile...Ty can't get a job with the government to save her life because she has bad credit. I know me. I would have attained that job and well let's just say...I have diabolical plans that entail me paying off doctor bills and student loan debt. It would basically be me just giving the government its money back! How is this a bad plan?!

Macy's, Target and Neiman-Marcus don't like me enough to extend me credit – oh well. Their loss. I'd make their clothes look good. LOL! Ah, well...we'll always have Fingerhut.

My conscience is a goody two shoes. She never lets me just do anything – we always have to think about, think about some more and then over think it. And then me being me will do it, have fun doing it, regret doing it but want to do it again. I'm not crazy – just complicated.

Well here I am at the end, probably a few less friends and a lot more lookey loos at the mess that I am. I don't do it for the views or the reads – I do it because if I don't, I'd be shaking on the floor of the shower with my clothes on trying to get a grip of what's going on in the big bad outdoors. No one should have to worry that much, no one should be that scared and no one should be that out of touch with reality. I once was...not trying to go back there. But man, if this isn't a big push.

In the end though – I'm living my life, I'm raising my kids and reassuring them that I am there for them no matter what. I'm resolute in this. The world is spinning off its axis but that's no reason for me to follow suit. I'm made of some strong stuff right? We all are. So with that, I will end my cray cray here.

Guys...in light of my mood tonight. I think I will do this, I was told that God loves it when we recite his word back to him and I need a word right now. I'm such a mess – so tonight I have this as my offering to God.

Dear Lord,

It says in your word in Genesis 50:20 – "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

I truly believe that what was meant to harm us, you are working out for our good. In the coming days, weeks, months and years I ask that your hand remain on us guiding us, teaching us and supporting us Father. The days are indeed uncertain but we know that you are in control of all things. So I will not doubt you but trust in you completely. We are all your children and in need of a word from you. Let not our hearts falter in the matters before us but gain in strength, compassion and love.

To you we give the Glory and to you we give Praise. Lord be blessed.

In Jesus Name, Amen