The Experience

This has been an extremely challenging, incredibly rewarding, and certainly a brave experience in writing this memoir. When you are writing about yourself, you are forced to be honest with yourself about your life, and if you aren't...you are doing a very dangerous thing, not only lying to others but lying to yourself. But that was never the problem for me. The issue was facing the things that happened and talking about them with those you don't know. Opening up about the life you live...be it a boring existence or one full of twist and turns. It's hard baring your soul for others to see and comment on because you think and feel that you are being judged but that wasn't the case for me when I shared this memoir with you. I was met with open arms, I was consoled and given advice. I was nurtured and strengthened with your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers. Those things kept me wanting to share my life even when I wanted to shut the whole thing down and run away and hide beneath the security blanket of silence. In silence you are only forced to contend with yourself and the things that go through your own mind. I was never given a reason to run – but the opening of old wounds to share the history of the scars was enough to make me want to pull into myself and never come out. It takes a brave soul to bare all to the world. I don't consider myself so much a brave person as I am a stubborn person – not wanting to give up on something I began. (If you look at my works – you will see that this is a challenge for me. lol) ß not that I don't want to finish those things, it's just hard when the story leaves you for a while. I'm sure it will all come back to me.

I've learned quite a lot about myself, my illness and my abilities to articulate what's going on with me. In my critical mind, I think I could still stand to improve on all fronts. But those things will come with time. I feel confident that I have to the time to keep learning about the things that make me tick, the things that trigger me as well as the things that treat me. That's one thing that I searched for – treatment. While I constantly discover triggers to my anxiety, depression and schizophrenia – I had also began searching for "treats". Things that would take me out of a triggered state and bring me back to wellness and I found a lot. One of those things was reading about other people's experiences in life. Connecting with them on a deeper level and relating to what they were talking about. In support groups or "group" we all have a voice to give to the things that we find hard to deal with in life and we also have a voice to share what lifts us up. That's key. Not just sharing the bad but sharing the good as well. Things that went well for us, things that made us smile or brought us joy on a particular day or week is stuff that we all need to think about it and find comfort in. My therapist Nichelle told me "You know...it's okay if nothing is going wrong in your life and you want to talk about it too." Hearing that was like hearing something that I knew but never gave thought to. I would talk about annoyances when life held back the big things thinking that, that's all my therapist is for but when she said that I realized that I had good things to share as well. Life wins, "treats" (as I call them), un-suck (when life hands you something nice without you searching for it), blessings from God and friends, and praiseworthy people, events and things. I had/have quite a bit of good to share (in which we will discuss later on). As far as life changing and therapeutic experiences go...and I've had just a few...writing this memoir has been that for me. Writing period is that for me but this memoir was quite a bit more.

It was confronting past hurts and old demons. It was a coping mechanism and healing force. It was an educational and method of reaching out to people that wanted to know not just about the illness or me, but a little about God as well. And as it stands – a diving board to jump off into more opportunities and other projects that surface and have been surfacing. And it was a way to record my life in the honesty that it happened. From the good, the bad and the ugly. But there was beauty on the other side of it. Pain too...but the beauty outweighed the bad for me. Every day I am forced to look at the things that I believe about myself, my illness, my beliefs and my God and every day – I grow a little more in spirit, character and emotional strength. No matter who you are – as long as you have breath in your lungs – as long as you have life on earth, you'll have challenges to get over. No one escapes that. That's just the way life is here. But – trouble doesn't last forever and while you live through your trying times – you will also see the beauty in yourself, in people and the world at large. You need only open your eyes, remove the filter that keeps you from seeing clearly, and appreciate the life you are living. Invite others into your life. You just never know who's watching, reading or paying attention. It's your life...live it to the best of your ability.

The Challenges

At the very beginning, I fretted over how to begin this thing. I had been writing and uploading stories here and there and making them public so others could read them. I felt good about that. What I didn't feel so good about was the thought of being so public with a very private area of my life. I might as well have posted nude pics of me lying on a bear skin rug making people guess which is which. I was really afraid of negative comments, of harsh questioning by medical professionals that I couldn't answer and of the spotlight...people would read, people would know...people would judge.

I don't know what it is about the human condition that sets fear at such a high standard in our lives. Like...we'll give in to fear before we give in to joy and happiness. It's insane! We are not fear based mammals set to hide from everything on earth. Nope. Let's take a quick assessment of everything we are equipped with:

Legs and feet for transportation and defense (walking to your destination, running to the bank and kicking ass if necessary)

Arms and hands for activity and hand to hand combat (carrying goods and giving services/things, throwing knives and slapping would be offenders...just so they think twice before messing with you – strike first!)

Head, eyes, nose, ears and mouth for the senses (to think about our next course of action, to see what is around us, to hear and ignore the nay-sayers, to smell....what the Rock is cooking, to taste and talk – about all the good things that has happened to us and to taste the sweetness life can provide.)

Strong backs, buttocks for core strength and showing off as you walk away (they hate to see us go, but...love to watch us leave)

Yeah, it's laced with weird humor but the point is – we are well equipped to handle whatever life throws at us unless it's a flaming, gassed up and running chainsaw...then we're just screwed. But short of the screwing of firey mechanical cutting death...we don't have to be afraid to live. We don't. There are people out in the world kicking ass and taking names every day they wake up because they have a beef with fear. I too have this beef with fear and my list of names to kick ass is about a mile long and growing and the list of haters is one finger long...that's all I care to give to the haters. One long finger. And even that is too much. But you get where I'm going with this? Carpe Diem! Seize the day! And if you have to, kick some ass on the way if it happens to be in your way of seizing the day. Just do away with it and get on with the business of living. Challenges arise, but how we meet those challenges says so much about us. I suck at poker – I never know when to fold them. I'm not accustomed to folding – so I bluff. If I can get through this hand with a poker face then what awaits me on the other side may be enough for me to cash out. Now, historically, my poker playing skills suck – my roulette skills suck as well. It's not greed mind you – it's that I never heed the advice of The Gambler, himself. I have even committed the cardinal sin of counting my money at the table just to see it get added to someone else's stacks of cash. Like I said, I suck. LOL But I'm getting better, I promise. I refuse to take huge risks unless I can truly see the pay off.

The only huge risk I'm taking right now is that of writing as a full time gig. Sigh...I question this decision every day of my life but it is the only thing that brings any real fulfillment to my life. Money...who needs stinkin money?? I will live of the fat of the land that comes from the streets paved with gold and the silver lining that is the ex-husband's pockets. I will feast on plump swine and drink of the finest grape....Yes, bologna sandwiches and grape Kool – Aid. It's all the fat of the land and the silver lining of the ex- husband's pockets can afford...so...Aldi it is. Lol

(I'm so off topic...as always....reeling it in)

I had different challenges writing this memoir though. Things like:

Consistency – do I update every day, every week, every month? Only when I feel like writing? When I don't feel like writing? Like what's good for the reader and the writer? I've known people that give themselves schedules for updates. I've tried that but it fell to the wayside. Finding the time and energy to write and things to write about is tough work.

Topics – what do I name this part? Did I repeat something? Have I talked about this already and did I talk about it enough? What do people really want to know about this situation, this topic or my life...if they even care? Biggest one – who am I writing for? Me or the readers? (For me it was both – some topics were me writing to myself and others were for sharing.)

Time – when do I write? Late night, early mornings? Where do I write? This was a big deal for me, because finding the time to write wasn't always easy if my mood was trash. While I did pen a few parts on bad days – I always tried to stay away from the keyboard when my attitude was beyond a cigarette, some chocolate or coffee. Bad moods = sucky writing for me. They just turn into emotionally driven rants that make no sense to anyone but me. Who needs that? All the foul words and name calling lol No one needs to read that. My mental state is questioned enough, that would just seal the coffin on the popular opinion.

Moods – do I write while my mind is mush? Do I push through the suck of the day to come and consort in the one thing that brings me instant peace or taint the word pool with horrible thoughts and words? Or do I accurately convey the mental and emotional state I'm in so that I am recording in truth? I decided to do this and promised to be truthful and so I was. Bad mood, great mood - mood nonexistent, I wrote.

I don't know what others go through when they are penning their memoirs. I know in my own journal I ask a lot of questions and make myself answer them as honestly as possible provided I have an answer. If I don't have an answer – I give a thought as to why I couldn't answer and make myself think about the question to have an answer. It used to bug me to no end when my friends and I would talk and I'd ask a question to hear them say "I've never thought about it" and then proceed to continue not to think about it because they didn't want to answer or had no answer. My response was and is always – think about it so we can discuss it damn it! We are in the middle of a conversation – use your thinker so that we can finish this crap lol Seriously. This is the crux of conversation – the sharing of thoughts and ideas in a back and forth manner. You don't have to have an opinion for everything under the sun but at least give it some thought so that you can share it in active conversation – if you are in active conversation. Now, I've been given questions that I couldn't answer right away...but when I came up with an answer I was sure to share it with the person that posed the question. I didn't leave them hanging or drop it because it was something they really wanted to know. I try to be courteous in that way. Now if they say it's no big deal then – I'm off the hook. But I try...even when I feel as though I'm not making any sense. I hate feeling like I'm not making any sense. Speaking of which...

Articulation/Clarity – omg! Do you know how many parts I have scrapped and started over because I felt like I wasn't making any sense???!?! TONS! Man...at least half of these 100 parts were entries that had to be started over because their original pages didn't make any sense to me. I always wonder if I'm conveying everything clearly. In some of these I think not and it makes me cringe that I left it but I did so for good reason. Reality and truth is – I don't always make sense... but I write from my heart and that's where the therapy is. I don't believe in dumbing things down for people. People are smart and I give them that. Sometimes someone understanding something is definitely in the hands of the person talking. If I'm not explaining myself very well – you aren't going to know what the hell I'm talking about – so I always feel like I need to be able to explain my thought processes clearly and effectively. Doesn't always happen that way. Unfortunately, my brain like to throw curve balls that I can't hit out of the ball park. It happens a lot. So when it does – I reread and reread and reread some more to make sure it does make sense. I take this writing thing seriously. It's the only thing I'm a perfectionist about and I wouldn't even use that word – it's too strong a word. Lol I'm just very particular about what I put out.

I want it to be my best work, my first fruits...the crème of the crop. And as much as it pains me – that doesn't always happen but what satisfies me is that I wrote everything in truth and in a manner that pleases me.

The People of Wattpad and Wattpad

There are so frikkin many of you! I had no idea. And from all over the world too! I don't have many followers and I'm cool with that. It's definitely not a popularity contest for me or for the people that I know writing here as well. I think we all have this idea that we can affect change some kind of way through our writing. Whether it's to entertain or to educate...what we write touches people in some way shape or form. I have always wondered if Wattpad's community has led to good things happening in the lives of the people participating (reading and writing). I think it has this huge potential to be something massively amazing by giving voice to young readers and writers. I would wish it were like the National Novel Writer's Month website that helps young writers. I would love to see that. I would love to see it do more with its adult community – workshops, write-ins, social gatherings, how tos, cons and a real online presence that supports, encourages and engages the adults on this site. I'd almost like to see the site create two separate communities for the youth and the adults. I think that would be very helpful. So that there's no confusion amongst the readers. But it's your site Wattpad, do what you will with it. Just grow in a way that doesn't exclude people and their ideas.

I've met some wonderful people here that have engaged me and made me think. I've read some amazing people that have done the same. I remember when I first joined – I had maybe three friends here. And I was eager to write and share the things I created. Eager to read the things my friends were working on. All of you are awesome, in that you have this courage to share the worlds you've created or have been in. Your openness and honesty and quick wit in your stories about your lives and your character's lives are the things that I connect to when reading. It sparks my own imagination and makes me want to write stories that I hope are just as entertaining....even finish what I began!

I'm kicking myself for not finishing my things but I have the time to. So I will get to it. You guys have encouraged me in ways you don't know. You have shown me this kindness that I never thought I would experience here and this care that is just so...I'm being mushy. I know. I just want you to know what you mean to me. I'm not going to list each and every one of you...that's a lot of people but if you are reading this – you helped me!

I listen to the youth like I listen to adults. Everyone's voice is important and when the youth speak – we should all be willing to listen and not put them down. Experience is a good teacher and with some of the young men and women that I've read, they are gaining in that experience and learning ways to craft their own stories and live their lives fully. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have had the pleasure of reading you and talking to you.

My adult friends – nothing escapes you. Record all that you see, all that you hear and all that you feel. What the world gives you – put to good use and what the Lord gives you – use to glorify Him. I want nothing more than for all my friends to succeed in their lives and be awesome PAID and PUBLISHED writers. It is my sincerest wish that all of you know what it's like to publish with big cushy contracts and live off the fat of the land and out of the publishing house's silver-lined pockets. LOL

I mean it! May it happen for you all.

The Next Project

This was such a positive experience for me that I am looking to do it again with a different project. I still want to keep talking about my life and I suppose I could have just kept up Schizo but I wanted to something a bit more entertaining and light-hearted. The thing that came to mind was another memoir but one where I would condition myself to use another platform as well as this thinga-ma-jig here at Wattpad. I kept thinking – you have all these social media platforms that you are not using. You need to use them for their intended purposes. Twitter just gave us 280 characters for goodness sakes! I need to be taking full advantage of that. So I am going to do my best to use the year 2018 to make some things happen. Good things.

My Weight in Gold

Will be about the positives in my life. While I know that troubling times happen and I will record them as well – I will practice putting myself into a positive headspace for the betterment of my mental, spiritual, and emotional health. I will do more creative things with this memoir that I hadn't really tried with Schizo. I think because of the serious nature of Schizo, I was a little put off about including more poetry and things that made me laugh and stuff. I just want this one to be a complete turnaround from what Schizo is. Schizo is a – "we've experienced this deeply traumatizing thing in our lives and have made it through it". And My Weight in Gold is the –"Now What?" portion of my life. What am I currently doing, how has my life been affected positively by all that's happened. Do I smile or laugh? Does crying only endure for a night? What happens after the tears? Is the Promised Land a state of mind, a place, or myth? I'm eager to find out as I go on with the business of living. So I am equal parts excited and happy about the next few chapters of life that are coming up.

Something in me wants to share pictures of my life – I used to take like...ridiculous amounts of pictures of my kids when they were younger and I think because I did that so much they run from my camera now. Lol But I think it will be good to incorporate my life as it is being lived into my memoir like I do in my journal. I have photos taped and glued in that thing – I'm surprised it's still holding together. But yeah...I want to do this. An awesome creative endeavor that makes me happy.

Also...maybe pages from my handwritten journal. Not sure how to pull that off just yet so I'll work on it. I thought about just making an electronic journal and keeping it on my computer but I don't trust that – my computer likes to do weird things like eat my work. We'll see.

The New Paths and The Road Ahead...

Promises to be an adventure. I'm making huge progress in just the way I am living my life. I have made a lifestyle change that includes working out more and something I've already done which is quit smoking. I look to do more with my life. Like share more of my story with others and start a group at my church that discusses the heavy things like abuse, mental illness, and suicide. My pastor is currently training a small group of us to do just that. Start small ministries that would be helpful and beneficial to all involved.

I stated in "The View From Here" that I would be participating in something that NAMI is doing and that's the share your story forum. I think it's a step in the right direction for me to be more open about my life and this thing that I am living with. I kind of wish it were one of those things that – the more you talk about it the less power it has over you – like abuse but schizophrenia is ignorant. So the only thing I can do is talk about it and take my meds and live my life. I am in therapy – that will not change. I am doing things that make me feel good – that will not change. And I am taking the steps to better my life – good change. I like the path I'm on.

The road ahead will see me in new dwellings. My mother and I are currently in the process of looking for a new home and while one of us is way too excited to move, the other of us is dragging her feet. I have no idea why. Especially when she complains of not having enough space. But that's her deal – this lady is ready to MOVE! (à me, me, me, me, me, me, meß)

Nothing new in the dating world. I'm not looking and I think I'm going to keep it that way for a while. I just want to do some work on myself. Mainly making sure my mind is right and that I'm not all impulsive and crazy. The time is good for me. I need it. Kissing random contractors building your porch isn't a good thing. I don't recommend it. Lol

So we've officially come to the end of this memoir. 4,195 words later (and counting). I've had some good times with you all and I hope to see you in the next memoir but it's okay if you don't. I will be writing as a means of therapy and sharing with whomever happens by. Hopefully, one day – I'll get to do something with my therapist and put it in my memoir. I want to do great things with the upcoming one so some conversations need to happen first before I can solidify anything. But I can't wait.

The new memoir may get a kick off around the New Year. I am unsure yet as of the start date. I'm not sure whether to start now or wait till January 1st. I have some serious work to do before then if that's the case. But in the meantime, I'm gonna work on finishing the novel and getting it into beta readers hands so that I can get some constructive feedback about my big girl. (My novel is a girl – a HEALTHY girl ...weighing in at over 110,000 words so far but we are in the homestretch. Thank goodness!)

Guys, thank you again for your love and your votes and your reads. Thank you for reading along and commenting on the things that struck a chord with you. Thank you for being the best YOU, you know how to be!

So without further ado – we'll end here.

If ever a girl felt special, it would be at this moment. As always, thank you for reading. I will be reading and writing to you soon. See you in the next book!