Title: A Heart of Snow

Author: avadel

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 5/5

It's not every day that someone perfectly introduces the character, conflict and stakes in two sentences, but hey, here we are. While it's not a traditional summary that fleshes out every detail, I'm very happy with this – after all, it is for a short story, and it is written in an impactful and purposeful manner. I think the little "The crown was always hers" is a fantastic hook, and I think that including the fact that it's a Snow White retelling is a good choice, too.

In other words, I'm very excited to read this! I can't wait to question who the real victim is.

Wait! Also! I never talk about covers, but my gosh, the cover of this story is absolutely gorgeous. I'm guessing you made it yourself, considering you're a ball of talent? If so, it's stunning. Wow. 

Grammar: 4/5

You know your grammar. I know you know your grammar. But there were just a few moments that didn't quite sit right with me. Let's go through them real quick, and then we'll get into the juicy stuff:

"...our poor country's going to go bankrupt buying you practice dummy's."

It should be 'dummies' since we're not using the possessive form, nor are we using a contraction.

"Why," a fire lit in his eyes, "for you, we'd gather up and go..."

I actually looked this one up to double-check. Generally, it's standard to use em-dashes instead of the comma. So, it should look like:

"Why"—a fire lit in his eyes—"for you, we'd gather up and go..."

I know a lot of people don't like using the dashes. But, generally, it's standard. Just thought I'd let you know!

"He's here, your Majesty."

The full title is 'Your Majesty.' So, both 'your' and 'majesty' need to be capitalised.

He grabbed the bars desperately, and I step forward, my hands coming to cover his.

Your whole story is in past tense, but you accidentally swapped to present tense for the 'step' forward. Consider changing it to stepped? 

Characterisation: 5/5

You asked me to talk about character relatability and development. And, I have to say, A'snowlyne is ambitious as hell. It starts off pretty innocent; we just see her stabbing at dummies, wanting the throne she was promised, having a pretty sweet moment with Reth. We can see her adamance right from the start, but even the reader doesn't quite know how far she's willing to go for it.

Until, of course, she really goes for it. I was screaming internally when she actually got Reth executed. Obviously, in that moment, I just wanted to reach into the pages and give her a good girl-to-girl chat. And slap her.

But still, she's not completely antagonistic, and she shows this. She cries before her coronation, and the way she describes her emotions and feelings throughout that entire scene felt very raw and real and open, even if we know she's lying to others through her dialogue. I really like what you've done there; we can see her façade to other characters, but it's like there are open lines between us and A'snowlyne. Seeing her not want to cry because she claims to not deserve it was fantastic. Yes, she's ambitious. Yes, she's selfish. But she's human about it – she feels three-dimensional and complex.

But also, the epilogue really made you feel for her. It really makes you wonder – where is the line between evil and chaotic good?

Also, it was such a cool choice to not show us anything about her step-mother, the original queen! Like, for all the reader knows, she could have been an amazing queen (I'm guessing not, since the villagers didn't seem to be having a great time). But we also never saw her act antagonistic. So it just makes the morality of the protagonist even more confusing and blurry. Love it. I'm very sorry if I'm taking things too far again.

In other words, you've done fantastic here! Poor Reth was a sweetheart. It's always the sweet ones that fall for the murderous, cruel ones. Always. I was waiting for her to use seven men in her plan to rid herself of the original queen, but Reth is worth more than seven men. 

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I melted upon reading the first paragraph about growing up in a web of silky lies and whispered betrayal. So, it's safe to say that your writing is nothing short of gorgeous. I've said it before, but I'll say it again – you have a gift with words. Every sentence is cohesive and smooth, every metaphor is immersive and poetic, every emotion oozes out of the page. It's simply stunning. Really, really beautiful work.

There were times I wish I saw more – for example, moving into the mosaic of people in the village. I mean, I could understand that, in her rather cluttered state of mind, why you may have chosen not to do that. I just wish I could have seen more of the kingdom that she was so determined to rule, especially told from her perspective. That may, for me, make me feel that ambition even more upon seeing the way she has to describe it.

You did ask for me to talk about places that felt confusing due to pace/vagueness. There was only really one moment I felt that, and that's when she made the testimonial. Don't get me wrong – I loved that the chapter was short. It felt punchy, which worked perfectly, because all the planning finally works out.

However, we see her walking in, and almost immediately, it feels like she's talking. I think you could have stretched that moment out a bit – even if it's just for visual purposes. Emotionally, everything was great. But honestly, I couldn't picture it. I didn't know where the step-mother was standing, I didn't know where A'snowlyne was positioned, I didn't know how many people were there and where the people were standing. It almost felt like she was walking and talking, which doesn't quite feel right. I was also envisioning a modern courtroom, which is far from right.

I'd consider, before starting the dialogue, building that moment a bit more. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I really like the way you've structured this! From the very start, I'm full of questions – is there a plotting of murder? A faking of a death? As someone who has used a pig heart for faking death in her own story, I was instantly hooked and ready to go.

I loved how cyclical the story was, too – with him calling her princess, and her correcting it to queen at the very beginning of the story. Then, after all the lies and deceit and sacrifices between them, that repeats itself again. He calls her princess, she corrects him and reminds him that she's a queen. Quick question, though. I was wondering if you could sneak this into an earlier chapter:

When has a courtier's word ever meant anything?

That dialogue was used at the end, just as she was about to walk away. I kind of wish that sentence was used at the start as well? I think it'd feel like an even bigger blow in the gut. Like, have her say it about her step-mother to him, they chuckle at the time. Then, it comes back to bite Reth. Hard. I don't know, that's just something I felt would be a pretty interesting line to repeat.

Anyways, I love, love, love, love, LOVE the theme. The symbolism about snow? Brilliant. It's not about purity that takes you places. It's coldness – ruthlessness. There were other thematic bits that came up, such as the truth being dangerous, and the concept of the villain/hero taking shape within stories based on who told it.

Which reminds me, I love the epilogue. It broke my heart. I like the stories where Reth is the hero, too. (But it was also good at making our protagonist feel even more human with her remorse, regret, and wishes for better future decisions from her own daughter. Brilliant!)

OVERALL SCORE: 23.5/25

Overall, this is simply fantastic. I don't even know why you needed a review! There were a few minor errors I caught, and a few moments which I, personally, would have liked to see expanded, but otherwise, you've done a brilliant job at crafting complex characters, an important message, and a heartbreaking tale in such few words. Well done!