Title: Leyland Adventures

Author: EkingJames5

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4/5

The summary has all elements there: characters, setting, stakes, and dilemma. There's not much to say, but there is a bit of a redundancy within the first two sentences:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful teenage fairy named Aradressa.

After getting teleported to a new world, Leyland, the two set out to bring Tysashi back home to the world of Lenovo while learning about this new planet.

There are actually two redundancies here: "teenage" and "after". The "teenage" one is an easy fix, you can omit it in the part about Aradressa. If her age is really that important, than you can simply state she's of the same age:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful fairy named Aradressa.

Also, remember that you can mention their ages in the prose as well, and it's not really necessary in the summary. Secondly, the repetition of the word "after" could have been done on purpose (if so, then it's better if you do it in a group of three. I'm pretty sure there's a scientific reason behind it, but groups of three always sound better than two or four). If it's not, however, I suggest rewriting to something along the lines of (this is a rough suggestion):

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful fairy named Aradressa in the world of Leyland. The two set out to bring Tyashi back home to Lenovo, all while learning about this new planet.

It takes a bit of rephrasing, but now you don't have any redundancies.

Other than that, I think you had a great summary. Well done, I'm excited to read!

Grammar: 3/5

In terms of grammar, you definitely knew your basics! There weren't too many mistakes, but here are some I caught.

Firstly, there were a few typos throughout the story. I recommend doing a quick clean-up to catch them all.

Secondly, anything like (?!) or multiple exclamation or question marks is technically incorrect. If you want to emphasise their speech and emotions, I recommend describing it in the verbal tag (that is basically anything like "he said", "she replied", "they stated") or maybe even formatting it in italics.

On the subject of verbal tags, you knew when to put a period or a comma, but I noticed you kept on doing this:

"Ugh....man I really don't wanna wake up today", Lennon said...

It should be:

"Ugh....man I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said...

There's still an error here! Ellipses (...) should only have three periods (or full stops) in it. No more, no less. So, in conclusion, it should be:

"Ugh...man I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said...

Another thing I noticed was a misuse of "too" and "to"—as well as "your" and "you're". Let's start with "too" and "to".

There are three words that sound the same here: two, to, and too. "Two" is the written version of the number "2". "To" is used most of the time. It has way too many definitions to list, but you use it in places like: "I'm going to the supermarket" or "from about a hundred to three hundred". These are just some examples, there are many more ways it can be used. Lastly, "too". "Too" can be used to in scenarios like: "that is too high to reach" or "it is too small for me"—or it can be used in a similar way to "also". "I like ice creams, too!" or "me too".

"Your" and "you're" is a little simpler to explain. "Your" is used to describe something that belongs to you. "Your bag" or "your dog", for example. "You're" is a contraction for "you are". If I am stuck and don't know which one to use, I always read the sentence aloud with "you are". If it makes sense, it's correct. If it doesn't, it's incorrect.

I noticed that this recurred a couple of times:

"... I and Aradressa..."

Or with any other character. This is actually grammatically incorrect. A lot of people would say "Aradressa and me" or "me and Aradressa", but that is wrong, too. This is the correct version:

"... Aradressa and I..."

Lastly, inconsistency with numbers. Prose has weird rules about numbers. For time, if you write it out digitally (such as 14:50) you can use numbers. If you say eight o'clock, you must write it out. Sometimes, authors use actual numbers instead of writing it out, but it's always recommended to actually spell the numbers instead of using the numerical form. You switched between the two, so try and stick to one.

Overall, some small errors and typos, but nothing that can't be easily fixed!

Characters: 2/5

I really liked Marissa's snarky personality, and Aradressa's innocence (also, her name is really cool, by the way). There were some great elements to your characters' personalities, but a lot of the time it felt a little hard for me to believe. I'll explain more in the writing style section, but basically, a lot of your personalities were told and not shown. For example, Tysashi was first told as being heroic. Aradressa met him two minutes ago, and she already knows he is a good person. Realistically, she would be suspicious or even scared of him, as he is an unknown person on her planet.

However, if, for example, her powers help her (or, as you mentioned, she had a feeling) she still wouldn't be so trusting of him and still would be more cautious. What if her feeling is wrong? You could even highlight her innocence by letting her trust him immediately—but the queen could be angry and adamant about it. For a little bit, that was the case, but Marissa quickly relented and let them sleep in the same room. If you want them to sleep in the same bed early on, I recommend at least waiting until after Tysashi defeats his opponents in the arena, or let Marissa and Tysashi spend some time together to get them to trust each other. It felt extremely out of character for Marissa to let them do that a day after meeting each other.

Another thing was that Tysashi and Aradressa fell for each other very quickly. For example, Aradressa found out about the list (that said he wanted to take her out on a date), and Aradressa herself called him her "eternal love" and "prince" just days after meeting him. Realistically, it would take her a while to even befriend him—as he is a stranger to her planet and could thus be a threat—and to fall for him would take even longer. I recommend slowing down the pace of their romance so it feels a lot more real, and we can have a lot of sweet moments of their budding romance. By Aradressa instantly claiming she loves him, it doesn't feel as real or sweet as it can be.

If you do want an instant romance, try showing first the attraction stage. Tysashi may think she's pretty, and Aradressa may like the way he looks, too. Then, as they get to know each other properly—not within a few days, but over a period of a few weeks—they can realise they have feelings for each other. (Also, on another note, Tysashi mentioned something about a girl named Nya. Is she his girlfriend? If so, shouldn't he feel guilty about his feelings for Aradressa?)

Overall, you had some characters with a lot of potential, but there needs to be a bit more development to make their relationships more realistic. In the next section, I'll elaborate more on why some things were a little hard to believe for me, and what you can do to improve that.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Overall, you had a very enjoyable writing style. I think it suited the light tone of the story well, however there were some things that could have been improved.

Firstly, let's start with redundancies. I mentioned it in the summary section of the review, where a word/phrase or even an idea is repeated within a certain sentence or paragraph. Here is an example of a redundancy I found in your story:

Tysashi and his brother, Lennon, took this opportunity to relax, but little did they know, this relaxation wouldn't last long.

I recommend changing it to something like:

Tysashi and his brother, Lennon, took this opportunity to relax, but little did they know, that it wouldn't last long.

There were a few examples of this throughout your story. To fix this, you can either rephrase the sentence (like in the example above) or use a synonym (but be careful with this one as some synonyms aren't interchangeable).

This could also be in the grammar section, but I also noticed this (here are some examples of what I'm talking about):

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

*Sigh*, "I hope he's not too distraught at me."

You actually shouldn't use this in prose, instead you should try and describe it. I'll choose one and show an example:

Aradressa sighed. "I hope he's not too distraught at me."

I highly recommend you describe the sounds instead of writing it like that. It's a bit unprofessional and it looks better this way.

Lastly: show not tell. This was your biggest problem. Everything was told, from your characters' personalities to a lot of the worldbuilding. This was why it was hard for me to believe a lot of their personalities. Aradressa's "feeling" that Tysashi is heroic or a good person is an example of that. She met him moments ago, and there is no evidence that he is what she believes he is. This is called telling—when you state something without giving actual evidence. However, if you show things—this could be anything from personality to how things look to emotions—it'll improve your writing and make it easier for your readers to believe things.

Explaining how to show is a bit hard, so I'll give you some examples. I'll use the one I mentioned above. Just moments after meeting him—when he has done nothing to prove it—Aradressa already claims Tysashi is a good person. He is an alien to her planet, and has no wings like the rest of the people she knows. It would be much more realistic if he shows he is trustworthy instead of her immediately telling. A great way of doing this, for example, is if he saves her from something. For example, maybe when Tysashi is teleported, he comes at a time where Aradressa is being attacked by something. If he saves her, it shows he is heroic because he risked his life to do that. This is just one small example, there are many other ways to do it, and this is simply a suggestion.

On a similar note to this, I noticed there weren't a lot of descriptions, either. You did mention some hair colours and skin colours for your characters, which is great, but you didn't really describe the settings well. I couldn't really see where they were visiting or how it looked like, and would have loved some description of the market or maybe even the arena? It helps picture these places, and gives us a sense of being in the world.

Overall, I think your writing style suited the story well, but you needed to show more and tell a little less, and work on descriptions and redundancies.

Plot: 3/5

I really liked the idea of your story! It was interesting to see how Tysashi was teleported to Leyland and how the experiment went wrong. I also liked the different levels of power—as was shown in the arena.

I do think it would have been better if we got to spend some more time on Tysashi's home world. We are thrust immediately into the story, but we don't know who the scientist is, and why Tysashi and Lennon let him experiment on them. Why and how has Tysashi fought monsters before? Where are his parents? If some parts of his backstory must remain secret because of spoilers, I understand, but leaving too much in the dark will make it confusing for the readers.

Also, it was quite fast-paced. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but, for example, things like the arena felt too random and finished too quickly. Marissa mentions that there will be battles held in the arena, and Tysashi immediately signs up and fights the next day. Realistically, that would be announced weeks beforehand, and if Tysashi wanted to enter, he'd have to do so before a certain deadline. He'd also have to train before the tournament, too. A lot of things happened quickly, and there wasn't a lot of time to process it. I highly recommend outlining your drafts so you know what will happen next and so you can develop these adventures.

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, a very interesting concept. It has lots of potential, and I can't wait to see what more you'll create of Leyland. There are a few things to work on, but I enjoyed reading! Hope this is helps.