"My week:

Monday

Monday #2

Monday #3

Monday #4

Friday

Saturday

Pre-Monday"

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't make money off this either.

Warning: P-A-R-O-D-Y

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The next morning I got to wake up to the beautiful face that was Sasori's. The puppet master had been at my bed, glaring with icy hatred upon my sleeping form, waiting for me to wake up.

"Good morning!" I chirped, smiling adoringly at him. "How was your night?"

"Filled with boredom," Sasori snapped. "You will rue the day you trapped me, you insufferable, petulant brat."

"I'll leave the T.V. on downstairs tonight then, okay?" I offered. "I'll purchase some audiobooks, too. If there's anything you want, let me know."

"I want my freedom."

"You'll get that in about a year," I dismissed, hopping out of my bed and pulling my shirt off. He made a disgusted noise at that, but refused to turn away. He was likely trying to show that he didn't give a flying hoot—which was very possible. "Ready for today? You'll get to meet one of my teammates and then we're gonna go on a super duper fun mission."

Sasori sneered. "Planning on kidnapping more people?"

"Always."

"You're insane."

"So I've been told."

I finished getting dressed and headed downstairs to make breakfast. Then I sensed a delightfully familiar chakra at my front door, and I hurried to let him inside.

"My child!" I squealed with delight, throwing myself at a sheepish Naruto. Naruto laughed, catching me and pulling me into a tight hug. "You're back? Do you want breakfast, honey?"

"Breakfast sounds great," Naruto chirped, pulling back. "How've you been?"

"Oh, you know. Worshiping the Goggle Gods, making everyone around me uncomfortable, standard stuff." I waved my hand dismissively. "Is Jiraiya with you?"

"Nah. Perv took off as soon as we got back." Naruto shoved his hands in his pockets. "Kakashi-sensei with you?"

"Yep. We live together still."

"He go insane, yet?"

"Not yet," Kakashi answered tiredly from behind me. "Naruto, come on in. We've gained a couple more roommates."

Naruto stepped inside, curious about who else had joined us.

"Kimimaro—you remember him, right?—lives downstairs now," I said, "but he's pretty shy so he doesn't like to come up often. He's also suffering from a lot of memory loss, so watch what you say around him. Don't mention anything about the snake fella."

Naruto was momentarily surprised by this, but nodded along. "O-kay."

"We also have a tree-baby—"

"Is this like your fur baby?"

"No, no. Although Brightheart does still live with us. Our tree baby is named Tenzō and—"

"I am not your tree baby," Tenzō corrected, poking his head around the corner of the kitchen to glare at us. His glare softened when he looked over at Naruto. "I'm Tenzō. A friend of Kakashi's."

I made an offended noise. "But not mine?"

"Definitely not," Tenzō informed me.

"Aw," Naruto said, slinging an arm around my shoulder when I pouted at Tenzō's cruel words. "You don't need that jerk. I'll find you a million friends who are ten times better than he is."

I sniffled. "You're so good to me."

Naruto grinned brightly at me. "Yep! So how about some pizza?"

I laughed at that. "Okay. But once we're done eating we all gotta go to Tsunade. I have... some fun information to give her."

Tenzō and Kakashi groaned at that.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Once everyone who was important in Tsunade's office—Tenzō, Kakashi, Naruto, Shizune, Tsunade, and myself—I decided to cut straight to the chase. "We have a chance to hunt down Orochimaru and bring Sasuke back."

The responses were immediate. Naruto's eyes were wide, while everyone else tensed and prepared for the rest of the information. Sasori snorted from the background.

"Sasori had a spy within Orochimaru's organization, and a rendezvous was scheduled," I continued.

From the ever so slight twitch from Sasori, I knew I caught his attention. If he were an emotional man he might have started yelling at me about how I knew that information. But Sasori was a careful man. It was starting to become clear he couldn't intimidate me, and the fact that I knew information only he and his spy ought to have known was bound to catch his interest.

"The thing is, the spy double crossed Sasori a long time ago," I said, ignoring the narrowing of Sasori's eyes. "Sasori had used a seal to control the spy's mind, but Orochimaru found the seal and broke it. Since y'know, Orochimaru and Sasori used to be partners in the Akatsuki, so Orochimaru knew what to look for."

Tsunade leaned forward on her desk, steepling her fingers together. "What are the chances of success on this mission?"

I shrugged, the answer spilling out of me with ease. "Around 25% for complete success. No chance of failure since I'm prepared, but there's a good 75% all parties escape. It's still important to make contact at this point because Sasuke requires some of my information in order to safely... not kill his brother."

"We're going, right?" Naruto demanded. "We gotta save Sasuke!"

Tsunade and I continued to stare at one another, as she considered my information. The past couple of years had given her ample amount of evidence of how accurate I was.

As in I was literally never wrong before.

I wasn't entirely certain how she was handling all the information found under the office, in addition to my future knowledge, but I knew she trusted what I said. She wouldn't have accepted me as her apprentice, or appointed me as hospital second director if she didn't trust me.

Tsunade finally gave a slow nod. "Fine. Get ready to leave in an hour. Naruto, start packing. Sakura, Tenzō, Kakashi... all three of you stay."

Naruto was perturbed by having us stay, but he left without a fuss. He wasn't going to complain about getting a chance to rescue one of his friends, after all.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair. "Tell me everything that's going to happen, Sakura."

With ease, the answer came. "We're going to meet with Orochimaru, go back to his base, and then he is going to take Sasuke and leave. We will get to talk to Sasuke, but he will remain adamant in his pursuit of Itachi."

"Will the Akatsuki show up, or Danzō?"

"Akatsuki, no," I said, doing my best not to look at the extremely interested Sasori. "Danzō is going to insist that we fill our spot on the team with one of his ROOT members, but he is easily persuaded to our side."

"How easily?"

"Naruto can Therapy-no-Jutsu him after an hour of talking," I stated firmly. "If that fails, then I can do it myself."

"Will Danzō provide enough information to incriminate himself here?"

"No, but Orochimaru might be interested," I said, and then more words came out without my permission, "Since Danzō was the one who hired Orochimaru to kill Sarutobi."

Oh.

My.

God.

I gaped.

Tsunade was gaping at me.

Shizune gasped.

Tenzō stared at me in disbelief.

Kakashi was... well he remained largely unaffected but I knew he was equally as surprised as me.

I mean I knew that information already, but I didn't expect it to literally slip out.

"He what?" Tsunade howled, slamming her hands on her desk and utterly smashing it.

"Yeah," I said, "how else did you expect Orochimaru to get up to date security codes to slip through the barrier? His main spy was Kabuto, and Kabuto wouldn't have that kind of access. Orochimaru lost all his spies in the ANBU when Minato took over and did a purge."

Bits of killing intent started to leak off Tsunade, and Shizune was quick to try and soothe her, "It'll be okay, Tsunade-sama! We'll stop Danzō. We've already almost finished identifying all the ROOT agents."

'Neato,' I thought.

Tsunade took a deep breath, raising her head to glower at the three of us. "Kakashi, Tenzō, make damn sure that old shithead doesn't get Sakura. Sakura, you really think Orochimaru will give us evidence against Danzō?"

"Orochimaru already knows the complete list of all of Danzō's ROOT agents. He'd be delighted if we took care of them for him," I said with a shrug. "He also knows where all of Danzō's bases are."

"Get that information from Orochimaru whatever the cost," Tsunade ordered. "All of you are dismissed."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

An hour later—Sasori had been giving me a look the whole time, but refused to say anything—I was packed and ready to go at the entrance. Tenzō had been called back into Tsunade's office barely ten minutes after we left, so only Kakashi was with me when we arrived at the gate.

Naruto showed up shortly afterwards, a tan bag slung around his back, and his hands shoved into his pockets. "So... happy reunion?"

"Happy reunion," I said with a smile. "When we get back we'll have a proper welcome party for you."

"No strippers," Kakashi immediately denied. I opened my mouth to suggest something else, but Kakashi also added, "And you can't jump out of any cakes. Same for Anko."

"Ugh. Sour puss. Lucky I love you so dang much."

Kakashi shrugged, unrepentant. "Uh-huh."

Naruto scratched his cheek, his face scrunching up as he considered any suggestions for the party. "What about a pool party? That way Sakura still gets to admire some booties, and everyone loves pool parties."

This got a squeal from me, and a tired look from Kakashi. He said, "No. Stop encouraging her."

"I mean, I'm her best friend. If I don't enable her, what's the point?" Naruto asked, shrugging.

"To keep her from driving your favorite teacher insane," Kakashi suggested lightly.

"Nah. That sounds boring."

Our poor teacher sighed.

"Yo," Tenzō said, flickering over to join our group. Behind him was Sai, who smiled with fake politeness. "This is... Sai. Our new team member."

I waved at him. "Are you a boobs or butt kind of guy?"

Sai continued to smile. "Neither."

"Wait does that mean you like dick?" I asked. "Or nothing at all? Hmm. Oh, um., I'm Sakura! Nice to meet you. This is my son, Naruto."

Naruto didn't bat in an eye at the introduction, choosing instead to salute to Sai. "'Sup. I guess I'm her son, Naruto."

Sai blinked once at that, his smile dropping. "Hello. I am Sai."

"This is Kakashi. I'm his Butt Advocate," I introduced, gesturing towards Kakashi who accepted my title with a tired sigh.

"What's a Butt Advocate?" Sai questioned.

"It means I speak on behalf of his butt," I explained. "Because he has the best booty in the whole wide world, and humanity deserves to admire it."

"Run while you can," Kakashi advised Sai. "Far, far away."

"I don't believe that will be necessary," Sai said. "The ugly pink haired lady, and her son don't seem to pose much of a threat."

I made an offended noise while Naruto squawked and made a move to give Sai a good black eye. Kakashi easily held him back, though.

"I can tell this is gonna be fun," Tenzō said dryly.

I looked down at my attire: a long-sleeved red shirt with a wide enough collar to keep my shoulders exposed. I matched it with a pair of black leggings, knee-high boots that doubled as shin guards, and thick black gloves. "I don't think this looks ugly."

"You're beautiful Sakura. Don't listen to that freak," Naruto immediately consoled me, being the super supportive best friend that he was.

"Thanks, baby boy."

"This is only going to get weirder, isn't it?" Sasori muttered to himself.

I started to whistle innocently.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Tenzō was right about one thing: it was lots of fun.

Sai kept making remarks to bait Naruto, and Naruto fell for each one of them. It was getting more on Tenzō's nerves as time wore on—Kakashi and I didn't give a flying hoot because we were chill like that—and he finally broke down and ordered all of us to take a break at a luxurious hot spring in hopes of getting Naruto and Sai to get along.

He even made Naruto and Sai share a bedroom!

Obviously I got to back with Kakashi since he was my bodyguard. He did make me promise that if he bought me all the dessert I wanted I would keep my hands off him and his equipment for the rest of the mission.

Completely worth it. Those sweet dango sticks were the bomb.

An-y-whore Tenzō was about to lose his shit with all the bickering going on between Sai and Naruto so I decided to take pity and work my magic.

After I chugged down a buffet of dessert, of course.

"Hey, Naruto," I said, grabbing my friend and dragging him into his assigned room. "I need you to do me a favor."

"What's up?" Naruto asked.

"I need you to use Therapy-no-Jutsu on Sai," I told him, shoving him into the boys' shared bedroom.

"What? No way! He's a dick."

"He was forced to kill his own brother by an evil asshole called Danzō, and he's now on a mission to kill Sasuke. If you don't Therapy-no-Jutsu his bott and make him start to feel things again, then I'mma be forced to poison him," I said flippantly.

"What," Sasori deadpanned.

"I don't want to," Naruto whined.

"You're doing it," I told him, throwing him into the bedroom before heading back out to get Sai. "Don't even try dodging out of it, mister. That's the price you pay when you dump your plants on me and abandon me with no letters for years."

"I'm sorry!"

"Not yet you're not!"

"Please don't lock me in here with Sai!"

"It's happening," I sung, spotting Sai heading towards us from down the hall. I sprinted over to him, grabbed his arm, dragged him into the bedroom then slammed the door shut behind him. I promptly sat down on the hallway floor, and called out, "If either of you try to sneak out before everything is peachy I'll make you both trip so hard you'll start stripping in the streets."

Naruto's groan of frustration was pretty funny.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

Three hours, and a thoroughly destroyed room later, Sai confessed to working with ROOT by showing us his tongue tattoo.

"I-I didn't believe in Therapy-no-Jutsu," Tenzō apologized to Naruto afterwards.

"That's okay. Everyone doubts it at first," Naruto said, forgiving Tenzō for his heresy.

With Sai now on board he no longer kept trying to bait Naruto.

But he did talk about dicks a lot. Namely Naruto's, but whatever floats your boat, honey.

We got back on the road for another day, and when we reached the point where we were supposed to meet Orochimaru, Tenzō had us stop for a break to confirm the plan.

Ignoring Naruto's objection to the location, Tenzō used his wood style to summon up an empty wooden house.

We entered it, heading up the stairs and checking it out. Finally we settled on a room, dumping our stuff along the walls. Tenzō lit a candle and placed it in the center of the room, asking all of us to gather around.

"Alright, so give us the rundown again," Kakashi ordered.

I cleared my throat. "So we're going to be meeting a spy of Sasori's, who works for Orochimaru. Tenzō will have to mimic Sasori at first in order to get the drop on Sasori."

Tenzō said, "I have a file about him from Suna, but I need you to tell me his personality, speech pattern, gestures and mannerism, in as much detail as you can."

"Very well. Where to begin... Sasori is impatient. He hates to keep people waiting, and he hates to be kept waiting. He repeatedly notes it, in fact. He's quite proud of his puppets—referring to them as the perfect art. Though I must admit, art is eternal... Anyway... Sasori is rather indifferent in actuality, but while he hides inside of Hiruko he can come off a bit dry..." I then began to launch into a lengthy explanation for what I knew about Sasori.

It was actually quite a lot. Sasori was staring at me in complete horror when I got into his secret desire to be with his parents, and his bitter loneliness and whatnot. By the end of it, Naruto was even starting to sniffle and said, "I wish I had a chance to talk with him."

"O-kay then," Kakashi said slowly. "Thanks. I'm sure Tenzō got plenty of information."

Tenzō had a dead look in his eyes. "How much... how much do know about all of us?"

"You really have no privacy as long as I'm around," I admitted to him.

This made the tree baby groan and rub his forehead for a while. "Okay. Whatever. The strategy is simple. First scenario: I successfully restrain the target. Second scenario: if I fail at restraining the target and we fall into battle, you three get into battle formation. I will signal when to do this."

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

At noon two days later, we all gathered at the bridge. Naruto, Sai, Kakashi, and I crouched in the shadows of the forest at one end of the bridge. Sasori had drifted off in the center of the bridge.

On one end of the bridge was the spy, who slowly walked towards the middle.

At the other end, I could see Yamato—disguised as Hiruko—approaching.

I let out a soft sigh, preparing myself.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

(Third Person POV – Sasori)

Sasori drifted to the center, staring impassively at the spy.

Sasori was a little miffed, to say the least.

The fact that he had been outsmarted by a brat and forced prisoner, did not bode well with him. He had believed himself to be a clever man—he had to be in the business he ran. But to be outsmarted by a mere child...

And worse, his original plans of escaping were dashed by this prison that now held his physical body. Even if he killed her, it would only cause more harm than good. A nuisance, really.

Perhaps if Sasori had even heard of this prison, things would have been different. There was always a way to escape cells—it was simply a matter of finding the key. But how could Sasori hope to find a key, when he did not even understand the lock?

It was a vexation, truly.

But it would only require time and patience before he did understand his lock and he found the key. While normally Sasori was not a patient man, he could be patient when needed. And this situation certainly required patience.

For the moment Sasori was free, he had the intentions of ridding himself and the world of this girl. His normally uncaring heart decided to make an exception for this situation. A strange thing indeed, when Sasori once again felt irritation.

Perhaps though, it was only because he was not physically attached to his body anymore that he could feel such things again? It was an interesting thought that would require further investigation.

However... Sasori allowed himself to be thankful that he was bound to this... girl and not rotting away in a prison. How dreadfully boring that would have been. At least while following her, she proved to be entertaining.

At least she did not grate on his nerves like his previous partner. No, she was not audacious and seemed inclined to think ahead. Something of which he was slightly pleased about. Had she been as bad as Deidara—or worse, Tobi—Sasori wasn't quite sure what he would do.

Over all, it could have been worse, but not much.

And then there was how she knew things...

Sasori never told anyone about his childhood, or his likes and dislikes. Even his wretched grandmother didn't know what foods he used to like, or what songs he enjoyed.

She was supposed to be Kisame's fangirl, why did she stalk Sasori to such an extent?

'How can she see straight through him?'

How bothersome.

Sasori was pulled from his thoughts as he noticed the approaching spy and the approaching mimic of him.

It was a little odd to see himself walking towards him.

Finally, Hiruko had reached the spy, stopping before him.

"It's good to see you again, Sasori-sama," came the soft voice of the spy. The spy slowly turned around, revealing his face towards Sasori's imitation.

Kabuto, was the name of the spy if Sasori could recall. Which, naturally, he could.

"It's been five years, hasn't it?" Kabuto asked, his voice coming out slightly muffled from the harsh winds of the bridge.

"Were you followed?" the imitation asked.

"No, we're fine."

"How are you holding up?"

Sasori's eyes narrowed. A pointless question. Something in which he would have never bothered to ask. What difference did it make what the spy felt? Kabuto was merely a tool, used as his subordinate. What did it matter if he was ecstatic or depressed? His mimic was doing a poor job of imitating Sasori, even with all that bombardment of information Sakura gave him.

"I still feel a bit shaken from when your technique was released and remembering who I really am," Kabuto answered, seemingly thrown by the question. He shook his head. "My mind is a bit clouded, as well."

Preposterous. The mind seal placed inside the tool eliminated all doubt, all emotions, all hindrances into serving Sasori the moment it was released.

'Was she correct about Orochimaru unraveling my mind seal?'

She was unnervingly right about everything else.

"I've got a few questions for you," the imitation began. Once again, Sasori had to restrain himself from shaking his head. He would never bother with introductory at such a meeting. This... fake... was being far too polite. He did not understand Sasori at all.

"We don't have much time, please keep it brief."

A flash of annoyance raced through Sasori. How dare a traitorous subordinate speak to him in such a manner! Even if it was to an imitation to him...

"I'm risking my life just by being here," Kabuto went on.

Had Sasori been able to do something at that moment, he would have killed Kabuto then and there.

Damn shame he couldn't.

"Tell me what you know about his hideouts, and Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasori shook his head in disgust. Why would he care about Uchiha? While having the Sharingan implanted in a puppet would be most useful, he had no intentions of going out of his way to hunt down a mere boy. It was hardly worth his effort. Furthermore, he already knew where Orochimaru's bases were.

Did they honestly suspect that Kabuto was his only spy inside Orochimaru? Granted, he was the closest spy to the former partner, but did they really believe Sasori so inane that he wouldn't come to the conclusion that he needed more spies?

'Imbeciles.'

Nevertheless, Kabuto answered the imitation, despite the wrongness of it all. "There are several hideouts. He switches from one location to the next each week to keep his whereabouts hidden. Of course, he has them in many countries, not just the his village land. Orochimaru's spies sneak in, set them up and manage them in his absence. But he makes use of many different methods to switch locations, so tracking him isn't easy."

"Where is he now?"

"Currently, he's concealed himself on an island in a northern lake and will move in three days."

Sasori's gaze snapped towards Kabuto.

That was incorrect information. Sasori knew Orochimaru's patterns for switching hideouts. At this point he would be residing in his hideout in Kusagakure, a few hours run from this very bridge. He would switch in five days to his southern hideout, six days away from this bridge.

This spy was lying to him, on purpose.

Clouded mind... emotions... disrespect... and now lying.

Briefly, Sasori's mind wandered back to what that girl had said.

Had Sasori not been staring right at it, he would have said impossible.

Not only had Orochimaru destroyed his seal, but this spy was a traitor.

For a moment, Sasori was overcome with the strong desire to murder the little vermin. He was overcome with frustration and resentment to how he couldn't. But it was only for a moment because Sasori did not allow such folly things to guide him.

Soon, he was calm again with mild irritation, mixed with curiosity.

How had the girl known?

Curious, indeed.

Sasori's eyes flickered back towards the girl. She had hidden herself well, but Sasori knew where she was. He could feel her pulling him in softly, the same sensation he had felt the moment he realized he truly was bound to her for the time being.

It was annoying for the most part, but useful at times like this. His eyes flickered to hers and they locked. Green meeting brown.

Her eyes dance with amusement, and his reflected nothing.

She was amused. At his annoyance, no less.

The brat.

"Uchiha Sasuke is there as well," the useless (What good was a traitor?!) spy finished, pulling Sasori's attention back towards him. "By the way..."

The arrogant little prick was interrupted from his statement, his gaze swinging over to a bush on the other side of the bridge. A brown rabbit hobbled out.

Sasori almost snorted.

"Oh? Just a rabbit?" The ex-subordinate murmured.

The expendable boy turned back towards the imitation. "Anyway, about the matter you ordered me to look into—" Sasori resisted sighing aloud. He ordered no such thing. It was clear the unpurposed miscreant was merely trying to test the imitation.

"The body that Orochimaru transferred out of had protective wards surrounding it, so I was unable to obtain the cell samples you requested."

Cell samples? What good would cell samples be of use to him? Sasori already knew the basics of Orochimaru's technique, and he was not interested in such fleshy and unstable jutsus. It did nothing to prolong his life and it showed no artistic value. Besides, he still had plenty of Orochimaru still stuck to some of his puppets swords.

"I see."

"If you would please, hurry up and give me the item," the apostate said. "I can't afford to stay here any longer." He then had the gall to hold out his hand in expectation. "I'll be killed if he finds out I'm here with you."

"Fine."

The imitation then prepared to rush forward, pulling out a kunai in the process... only to stop right where he was.

Orochimaru appeared right behind the ignorant boy. A thick snake wrapped around the Sannin's waist, hissing at the imitator.

"Interesting conversation, mind if I join you?" Orochimaru smiled.

The incompetent boy jumped away from Orochimaru, landing in front of the imitator, taking up a guarding stance as if he actually intended to defend the imitator.

"Sasori-sama, if you hadn't drawn your kunai, I wouldn't have been able to dodge in time!" Abortive trash declared. As if Sasori would have wasted his time in saving its life.

"That outfit... it reminds me of the old days, Sasori," Orochimaru commented.

"You followed Kabuto?" the imitator inquired.

"Don't be rude, I thought I'd come and thank you. This child you sent me was truly a blessing. When I developed new techniques, I used to go through over a hundred test subjects for each one I created. But thanks to this boy's medical abilities, I was able to use the same subject over and over again."

"So glad to be of assistance," Sasori replied dryly, despite knowing his words fell in deaf ears.

"I had been running low on them recently, you see."

The unusable juvenile's right hand flickered blue with chakra. He held it up, his face set into determination—and then had the nerve to attack his imitator.

Even though it wasn't actually Sasori, it was the principle of the matter.

A subordinate—ex or otherwise—should never attack his master. Sasori didn't bother trying to reign in his moment of sheer annoyance at the situation.

The fake's disguise crumbled away and the man inside leapt back and away.

And that was when things got a little more interesting.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

(Sakura's POV)

"I have an ever better idea," I said, walking across the bridge with a skip in my step. "How about we all take a nice lovely walk back to your base?"

Orochimaru's eyes lit up with amusement. "Oho? And why would I allow that?"

"Well, we could get ourselves all covered in blood, sweat, and dirt, and you'll be forced to retreat there," I said slowly, "because you know you're dealing with the kyuubi jinchuuriki, a devoted fangirl who has had years to prepare to face you, two S-Ranked nin, and an artist with an odd obsession with dicks."

"Hm. That does sound like a hassle," Orochimaru commented on.

"Doesn't it? Then we'll follow you back to your base, which is exactly one kilometer away in that exact direction," I said, pointing to where exactly his base. "I mean it's a nice looking base, all surrounded by rocks that remind me a bit of what it would look like inside a stomach."

Kabuto's eyes widened at my knowledge, and he glared balefully at me. Orochimaru only had a smile that stretched a bit too wide on his face, and eyes that gleamed with unhidden curiosity.

Orochimaru casually asked me, "Were you prepared for me in the forest?"

"I was," I admitted honestly.

"Fascinating!" Orochimaru chortled. "Yes, yes... a pleasant walk there does sound rather nice, doesn't it? I'm sure Sasuke-kun has missed you all terribly."

I clapped my hands together and beamed. "Ri-ight? I mean how could he not miss us? We're, like, amazing."

Orochimaru's lips twitched and he inclined his head. "Do try to keep up."

Then he took off at a speed that would definitely put me to my limits. I knew he could move a lot faster, but the fact that he chose to move at a speed we could keep up was oddly kind.

Or eccentric might be the better word. Kind was not a word I would normally describe Orochimaru.

"I am curious about something, though," Orochimaru drawled. "I'm sure you'll answer me honestly, Sakura-chan, since we're being... cooperative."

I saluted him. "Sure."

"How exactly do you know the future?"

This immediately caught Sasori's attention, too. The ghost of the puppet master stared at me intensely while I answered Orochimaru's question.

"I worship the Goggle Gods," I explained to him, "they grant me knowledge of the future."

Orochimaru genuinely wore an expression of surprise at that. "Goggle Gods? You know, I actually knew a fellow who had a stick that was blessed by what he claimed was the Goggle Gods."

I gasped. "The rainbow stick story! Then you met the High Priest, Obito?"

"I don't believe his name was Obito," Orochimaru disagreed, "but I don't know his real name, anyway. It's very interesting that you both mention such a curious name, though."

"Not at all. The Goggle Gods always watch over us," I said loyally. Then more words that did not belong to me came from my mouth, "They always visit me when I sleep."

"Truly remarkable."

"Why are you telling Orochimaru so much?" Naruto muttered beside me.

"Because he's going to help save the world," I answered him. "And say what you want about his experiments, but his research has saved countless lives. He's invented more cures, procedures, and techniques than almost any iryo-nin—except Tsunade—that are still in use to this very day. Although his methods are unnecessarily cruel, in my opinion, but that doesn't make him any less of a genius scientist that deserves respect."

Orochimaru seemed pleased by my answer. "I've rarely encountered someone so civil. Why are with Konoha again?"

"Because my loved ones are there," I said with a shrug. "Besides, I don't really have room to judge you when I literally test painful poisons on people I face in battle. And have killed a lo-ot of people. Like a lot. Like I think I've lost count by this point."

"You're only at fifty-nine," Kakashi supplied for me.

"Oh, thanks," I said, smiling back at Kakashi with adoration. "You're keeping count for me?"

"Unintentional side effect," Kakashi said, tapping where his Sharingan was hidden.

"Fifty-nine," Orochimaru repeated, clicking his tongue, "so innocent still."

"Hey!" I protested, "I so popped my kunoichi cherry, like, two years ago. I'm a hardened killer."

"A hardened killer with bubblegum pink hair?" Sai wondered.

"Don't mock the hair. Makes it easier for people to remember me and it gives me main character plot armor," I said, tossing my long hair over my shoulder. "You can't kill someone with pink hair."

"Huh." Orochimaru blinked. "I've now realized I actually haven't killed anyone with pink hair."

I gestured towards the snake Sannin. "See? Plot armor."

Naruto tugged on his bangs. "So should I dye my hair pink?"

"Nah. You can use Therapy-no-Jutsu, so that gives you plot armor."

"Sweet," Naruto said, nodding his head.

"Oh!" I remembered what was in my pack, and I reached around and pulled out a bento box. I held it out to Orochimaru. "I promised you lunch."

Orochimaru accepted the box, opening it up. "Oh? What's this?"

"Calzone, with some scones," I explained. "For, you know."

Orochimaru took a bite out of the calzone, entirely uncaring if it was poisoned or not. Given his hella strong resistance to poison it wouldn't have mattered anyway. "Not bad."

"Not bad?" Naruto repeated, incredulous. "Sakura makes the best food in the world. Take that back."

Orochimaru took another bite out of the calzone, looked Naruto dead in the eye and said, "Not. Bad."

"Okay, he is asking for ass kicking now."

"Now, now," I soothed. "We're almost at the base. Then you'll get to see Princess Duck-Butt again, and don't you want that?"

Naruto sighed. "Yeah..."

Sai blinked. "I was unaware Sasuke was a princess."

"He's just as melodramatic as one," I explained. "Plus all Uchiha are as pretty as princesses, so..."

Orochimaru nodding along to this. "Yes, I have noticed his touch for the drama."

"Like you have room to talk?" I questioned. "Or me for that matter, I guess."

"Perhaps it's merely the mark of a powerful shinobi?" Orochimaru guessed.

"That makes sense. All the strong ones are crazy in some aspect," I agreed. "We got Kakashi with his obsession over a twelve year old boy and girl, Naruto with ramen, me with booties, Sasuke with his vengeance... Yeah, I think it's safe to say all the strong ones are crazy."

"I—I don't have an obsession with a twelve year old boy," Kakashi protested, aghast.

I gave him a look of plain disbelief.

Orochimaru finished his calzone and said, "Here we are. Welcome to my little abode. Kabuto, open the door."

Kabuto reluctantly did as he ordered, and Orochimaru escorted us through his base. We only had to walk for another few minutes before we reached Sasuke's assigned room.

Naruto kicked the door open. "TIME TO GO HOME, BASTARD."

I kicked the door that was now shattered to pieces on the floor because I also wanted a dramatic entrance. "YEAH. WHAT HE SAID."

Sasuke immediately got up from his seat, pulling out his katana and summoning his Sharingan.

"Hey now. Remember your promise not to kill me," I reminded him. "I've perfected my poison to make people strip and I am so not above bombarding you with that when you start your fight with Itachi."

Oh, God, I lived for those death glares.

Orochimaru coughed into his hand, doing a piss poor job to hide his laugh. "Yes, well. I'll leave you all alone for a while. I'll come back for you later, Sasuke-kun. Try not to kill our guests."

With that, Orochimaru left us alone. I waited until his chakra signature was gone—damn he really was pretty arrogant leaving us alone. Not that I could blame him, all things considered—before I gave the all clear signal.

"How did you manage to convince Orochimaru to bring you in as guests?" Sasuke questioned, lowering his katana.

"By being nice," I said cheerily.

"And that actually worked?"

"Sure. I also used food, like I'm about to do with you." I pulled out another bento box from my pack and held it out to him. "Come with us and you get free food."

"No."

"But it's pizza!" I exclaimed, holding it up for Sasuke to see. "And I brought you a jar of my homemade marinara sauce."

Sasuke snorted disdainfully. "You cannot bribe people with food, Sakura."

"See, that's where you're wrong. I bribed Kakashi to let me buy Icha Icha," I told him proudly. "And he's starting to succumb to my bribes of food in exchange for getting to wear his shirts."

"You're giving into her?" Sasuke asked Kakashi, his lips twitching. "Is this the part where I congratulate you two now?"

"No," Kakashi denied strongly while I chirped, "Yeah!"

"Sasuke, you gotta come back with us," Naruto said firmly, folding his arms over his chest. "How can you stand to be with someone so obviously insane?"

Sasuke pointedly looked at me.

Naruto, clearly offended on my behalf, objected indigently, "Sakura's not insane!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, and Tenzō coughed from behind us. I didn't have to see Kakashi's eye roll to know it was absolutely there.

"Putting a pin in that discussion," I drawled out, "Naruto wants you to come home, Duck Butt. You wanna come home?"

"No. Not until I kill Itachi."

"Then you'll come back?" Naruto pressed.

Sasuke pursed his lips, so I added my own incentive. "If you never come home I'm tearing down the district and putting a Goggle Gods temple that will double as a strip club. It'll be named Bakakashi."

"What?" Kakashi hissed out from behind. Tenzō started coughing heavily, struggling to hide his laughter.

"How are you not in a straight jacket?" Sasori wondered, sounding like he was honestly baffled I wasn't living in a padded room.

Sasuke's face cringed like he just bit into something sour. "You... You actually would, too."

"Something to think about," I said cheerfully. "Well, it looks like Duck Butt isn't ready to come home, yet, Naruto. Since you're his friend, you'd be supportive and wait for him, right?"

"Why you gotta put it like that, Sakura? Now I have to wait for his stupid ass otherwise I'm a bad friend?" Naruto complained. "Urk. Fine. After you kill your brother if you aren't back home in three days I'm breaking your legs and dragging your dumb ass home."

"Okay," Sasuke agreed to, clearly not believing Naruto would be able to do that. "So you'll leave now?"

I took out a scroll from my bag and shoved it into Sasuke's hands. "Read that. Burn it when you're done. Probably best not to let Orochimaru read it."

"Got it," Sasuke said, tucking the scroll away. "Goodbye."

"Fuck you," Naruto said eloquently, huffing and stomping out the room.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist we take our leave now," Orochimaru remarked, stepping into the room, smiling with his usual kind-of-creepy smile. "The base will be self-destructing soon. If I were you guys... I'd run."

"Oh, fun." I walked out of the room, brushing past Orochimaru. I didn't miss the fact that he slipped a scroll in my hand, and I didn't comment on it.

Leaving the base was pretty easy. Even if Naruto was hella sulky about it, but by the time we made it back to Konoha he had perked up. Especially since I promised to bake him whatever cake he wanted.

Tenzō kept dropping so many hints at a baked Alaska that Naruto ended up deciding to give that one a try. The tree baby looked immensely satisfied with himself for successfully manipulating Naruto into picking out his favorite treat.

The trip back to Konoha was uneventful in comparison. Sai was still quiet, but he did express in interest in trying my food, so we invited him along for cake, too.

I sent Naruto off to shop for the supplies—with Sai, because poor baby needed some sunshine in his life—and I, along with Kakashi and Tenzō, headed off to Tsunade's office to give her the mission report.

I hopped through Tsunade's window, holding up a scroll proudly. "Here you go! The info you wanted for the gardening project."

Kakashi and Tenzō climbed in behind me, both curious about the scroll.

Tsunade's eyebrows rose. "That creep actually gave that to you?"

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend," I said with a shrug. "I hid a note asking about it in the bento I gave him, and he subtly handed this back to me afterwards."

Tsunade accepted the scroll, doing a cursory examination before opening it up. A quick scan had a wicked grin on her face. "It's actually here."

I gave her a thumbs up. "Yep!"

"Anything else I should know?"

"Hmmm... Can't think of anything else, yet. Unless... think we should have a pool party to welcome Naruto back?"

"No," Kakashi said passionately.

Tsunade's evil grin widened. "Actually, I do think that sounds like an excellent idea."

"Shit," Kakashi whispered in quiet despair. Tenzō patted Kakashi's shoulder in consolation.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

BONUS

"Sasori no Danna was killed," Deidara grunted, his hologram turning its head to glare hatefully at Kisame. "By your stupid fan, Kisame-san."

All eyes turned towards the unrepentant Kisame, who was definitely hiding the apology cake Sakura had sent him the very same day she won against Sasori.

Itachi had already eaten his half. Who knew he could be such a pig of sweet things?

Not that Kisame could blame him. Shit tasted great.

Kisame shrugged. "Whoops?"

"Can't you control her?" Deidara demanded. "I just lost my partner, yeah!?"

"How can I control her, exactly?" Kisame asked. "She clearly has no issues fighting me. What do you want me to do, kill her?"

"Yes!"

"Next time I'm in Konoha I'll be sure to do that," Kisame said dryly.

"Enough," Pein cut in. "Zetsu are you able to salvage Sasori's spy network?"

"It will take a while, but it can be done," Zetsu answered.

"Get it done," Pein ordered. "Kisame... try to control her."

"Yeah. I'll get right on that." If Pein noticed the sarcasm in Kisame's voice, he didn't comment on it.

"Dismissed."

As the holograms vanished, Kisame once again looked down at his last slice of sweet, sweet apology cake. He took a bite out of it, savoring its taste. "Man. I hope she takes the rest of those assholes, think she'll keep making these cakes?"

"Without a doubt," Itachi said, honestly hoping for the same thing.

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

The switch from writing Rotted Rowan and then writing this, and then going back to RR is so disorienting. I wrote like ten sex jokes in Rotted Rowan's next chapter before I realized what I had done and had to re-write. *Facepalms*

Pulled a scene from the original story because it still held true. No reason to re-write something if I'd just write the exact same thing when I have copy-paste. : )

Answer: Fantasy / Adventure with dragons in it! Specifically some kick-ass dragons that I'd get to become best friends with. I'd wanna be the main character because as stressful as that sounds, I think it'd be a lo-ot of fun.

Question: Favorite AU? Like... Mafia!Naruto AU, or Villain!Deku AU, or Akatsuki-turned-into-cats!AU.

Reviews are love!