I wake to the sunlight streaming through my windows, why did I not close them last night? Well why did I do nothing last night, I threw myself on top of the bed and kicked my shoes off. I'm still in yesterday's clothing and that includes the bra, and it is extremely uncomfortable sleeping in a boob prison.

I groan to myself as I stretch out of bed. I need a shower I smell disgusting, well I don't but I feel gross.

After a quick but very hot shower I dry myself off wondering what to wear, is this a leggings day or should I dress up afterall what does one wear to their own funeral. Walking out of my ensuite I see the decision has been made for me, someone probably G-ma left a simple black dress over the end of my bed.

Thankfully she also left a pair of ballet flats, I don't have to go barefoot which is good considering I only had that pair of trainers that belong to Anthea. The smell of pancakes wafting up the stairs leads me to dressing quickly. I think seeing my funeral should be done on a full stomach.

Well not really but if it's G-ma and her cooking I would have to be insane to say no to it. She made a breakfast of some honeyed pastries, with a platter of fruit. I think she even made some Pelion orange marmalade, just one of her many specialities.

The room is silent when I enter it, no one makes eye contact with me either, like they all have something to say but can't.

"What can I expect from today?" I ask

"Once you've eaten your grandfather and myself will walk you to the meadow of the windows, we will stay only if we are permitted, it isn't something that can be explained well, but the windows have a shield around me of sorts, a barrier if." She pauses looking for the right words, the words that will hurt the least. But all words will hurt today. I have to watch the people who loved me, the people who up until they die think of me as theirs when I am not.

"If we are allowed through we shall stay with you, find the window with you and mourn with you. If we are not permitted you shall have to go alone."

"Who decides if you are permitted?" Is it her? Or is it another force?

"No one knows, it is just how it is."

I just nod as I seat myself to eat, the conversation over and done with.

The three of us walk together in silence over to this meadow. It is a long walk, giving me time to think, do I even want them with me if they are permitted entrance? And what is this meadow?

A place of pure light interrupts my thoughts, it is indeed a meadow, one filled with wildflowers and I can feel a soft warm breeze as if no sadness has ever touched this place.

It is a thing of beauty there are no signs of the grass being burned from the sunlight, no sign of anything disrupting this place.

It's ethereal.

I keep walking, I am being pulled, this place wants me to be here. Whispering to me that I belong. I pause after I take my first few steps feeling the grass brush against my legs. Welcoming me in. I turn around but both of my grandparents are a few paces behind me.

"We cannot come with you my dear." My grandfather speaks solemnly. "I wish we could be with you." He nods to me.

"We can wait here for you." G-ma adds. "No matter how long you take."

I think it over before answering. I feel at peace here, I don't think I want them to wait around for me because I do not know when I will feel ready to leave. "No, go home. I will be able to find my way or find a way to call you."

I walk off without hearing the response they send my way. I'm being pulled forward, deeper into the meadow where fig cypress trees grow wildly along with olive trees. I can scent lemon trees somewhere. I follow the trees deeper and deeper until I come across an old oak tree. An oak placed perfectly in front of a pond.

This feels right.

I walk over and take a seat by the edge of the pond just out of reach of the trunk of the oak, but close enough that the leaves still can shade me. I watch the water of the pond, the little ripples of movement from the breeze mesmerized by it. I almost don't catch the change in the ripples as it starts to swirl, it's slow at first, just a small movement in the opposite direction. Soon it begins to build until it is a whirlpool of movement expanding until all of the water of the pond is pushed to the edge opening up to clear sky.

This is weird, how can there possibly be clear sky under a pond, it makes no logical sense. But I mean, what even is logical these days, I think that flew out the window when I somehow ended up dead but alive.

Sitting up on my knees I peer into the pond sky to see what this is going to show me, if this is the window its one weird as fuck one, I was sort of expecting a weird tv screen sort of window not a disappearing pond.

Glancing down I see them, I see my pack. I can see roughly 20 pyres, I didn't think we lost that many, my heart hurts at that thought. That we lost so many.

Shouldn't I have seen some of them here? Shouldn't they also be in the meadow with me watching their own pyres be lit? I thought that was the rule that G-ma told me. Confused, I glanced around to make sure I didn't miss anyone, but I am alone.

I can see the entire pack around the pyres, I just wish I could zoom in and see everyone I loved better. I lean forward even more but it is useless leaning forward won't give me a better.

"Just ask for a better view." A light voice chuckles. I jump away on instinct, looking behind me I see a golden man. Like he is literally golden right now, solid gold.

"Ahh...." I look back to the sky pond "can I have a better view please." I shrug not knowing what is happening. But with my command it zooms in on the pack no longer am I looking from above I'm seeing it all as if I am standing here in the crowd.

"Wow" I have no other words, this is just so surreal. I feel like I could just reach out and touch them all. I watch as the pack moves closer to all of the pyres, those who are lighting a pyre stand to the side waiting for my da- waiting for the Alpha to say his speech and direct everyone forward to say the last goodbyes.

"Where are the others?" I ask the gold man, except when I look back to him he isn't a being made of gold anymore, he has a golden glow around him but now he has bronze skin and golden curls with eyes just like solid gold.

He has to be a god, but why would another god be here?

"They are here, but they also aren't-."

"That's vague." I cut him off, frustration from the past few days now finding a way out of me and attacking the closest person or being that I can find.

"Well if you'd let me finish you'd know." He smirks again, he is definitely arrogant and cocky. "They are all in this place, but it is private, alone the meadow gives each soul a space that makes them the most comfortable, families are usually drawn to the same spot, along with everyone's windows appear differently." He speaks in a 'matter of fact' "Most people don't wander in this far I must say, same with I wouldn't be here unless you allowed it."

"What?"

"Did they tell you nothing?"

"I was told the basics, but I had other things going on as well." I admit openly, why am I telling him this? Why do I feel so at ease around him?

"I thought she would've- never mind" He shakes his head and moves to sit next to me. He points back to my window.

"This is a window to the human realm." He begins explaining. "You can't reach through, you cannot touch anything there but you can see, hear and smell everything as if you were standing right there. You are in the driver's seat so to speak. You can watch your pyre burning, or you can just watch the reactions of your family, or if you can't handle it you can just sit here and listen to it all, it doesn't matter as long as you are here and you acknowledge that this is the end of your time on the earthly plane."

"That is... I don't really have words for this, it's all just ugh." I shrug again, I don't know how I am meant to process this.

"You are also in control of who can be here with you, I wouldn't have been able to land if you didn't want my presence here. It's how you are here completely alone without knowing that others from all over earth are also here."

"What? No actually never mind I can't even right now." This is all too much to comprehend

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks a voice full of concern. Why would he even care, we do not even know each other.

But I don't know if I want him to leave, he reminds me of peace and comfort.

"No..." I respond softly unaware of why.

He moves himself away from me slightly to place himself comfortably against the trunk of the oak, giving me some space. Which is good, because in the time we have spoken I have missed the speech the Alpha makes, which leaves me sad but in all honesty I know it off by heart, I have heard it a number of times in my short life, he thanks the fallen for all they did for the pack, as we are only as good as the weakest member and every contribution no matter how big or small made the pack a better place. He lets everyone know that the entire pack feels the loss and the grief of their loss and that the families will be looked after, especially if it was a family that lost a father or a mother. And a whole lot of other stuff that is customary to say at funerals about how the dead are in a better and safer place full of happiness now.

"Closer please." I whisper, I want to see those who I knew as my family one last time before they come here, I want to see my friends one last time as well. My family look as though they haven't slept, dad looks the worst, he would be thinking that this is all his fault, he always blames himself. But no one could control this, this was far beyond his control.

He trained us to defend the pack and unfortunately that will always come with some losses especially with the amount that came and attacked us and how they attacked us. Jasper and Helena look absolutely lost, Jasper has so much guilt on his face.

He must know that the blade was meant for him but I took it for myself because he deserved to live his life, without him Helena would be here too, not many wolves can handle the loss of a mate, especially if they don't have children to help them through it. Mother, she is crying, I knew she would. She could never hide her emotions. It's what I loved about her. She always let you know how she felt, open and straightforward. I'll miss my family dearly with my entire heart.

I search the crowd for Maaze and Davis. Both of them are holding each other up, just like I knew they would. They will mourn me, but in the end they will help each other, I know the two of them well, they understand that we put our lives on the line to defend the pack and death is a part of that. They will keep my memory alive.

The first of wolves lighting pyres begin to move forward. Mine will be lit first being the daughter of the alpha and then it will move down in rank until all pyres are a burning inferno and our ashes blow towards the moon setting our souls free. Although I guess our souls are already free and this is just something that the living need to do in order to come to terms with the passing of loved ones.

I watch as mother and father move forward together with Jasper and Helena following after them. All of them grab a torch that the elders have started to light and walk over to my pyre.

For the first time since I looked into this window I actually look at myself. I have been cleared of all blood and dressed in a simple white dress with cuffed sleeves. Someone, probably Helena placed a crown of white roses around my head, that stand out amongst the darkness of my hair. They placed the blooms or willow and myrtle around my body and I wouldn't hesitate to guess they were also under me and in my hands where a bunch of white poppies with one lotus flow, one of my favorites not that they grow anywhere near home. What stands out to me is that they are burning me with my necklace, I thought that with me dead it would now go to Helena being the next Alpha female of the pack to pass along to the next generation.

Maybe they just forgot.

I watch as they each take a place at a corner of my pyre and set the kindling beneath me alight. Bright flames do not take long to catch sending me into an inferno. I don't know If I can watch my actual body burn, it feels wrong to watch it when I have a body here.

"Zoom out please." The window does as I bid and I watch as more embers of the other pyres make their way up to the sky. It has a strange beauty to it. Sparks flying as my time has ended. Twisted but beautiful.

The water of the pond starts to move back to the center closing the window off to me as I say my last goodbye to earth. I just wish I could have said goodbye to my family, let them know that I love them all no matter what the truth of our relation is and to tell Jasper that this was my choice, it may not have been fair but it was my choice and I would do it again.