Running Away

Chapter 5

An unbearable pounding headache.

That's what I wake up with. It must be because of all the tears I let loose last night. Even though I have had a long night's sleep, the feeling of exhaustion persists. The mental exhaustion.

The last nights conversation with Shelley had made all the difference to me. It made me finally realise how big of a coward I am. And how I have a long track of running away from problems.

Becoming aware this fact only makes me feel guilty. Guilty of never apologizing for the mistakes, guilty of never considering the feelings of the other person, guilty of never atoning for my misbehaviour.

But now, no more of running away. Today is a new start for me and I want to be better than I was yesterday. I simply hope that the nagging fear of falling back to old habits doesn't stop me from being the person I want to be. I hope I have the courage to rise up and face the situation as it arises.

Let's hope for the best.

"Hey, good morning. How are you feeling?" Shelley asks as she strides into the room with a tray of food in her hand. A bright smile marks her face.

A smile tugs upon my lips at the sight of Shelley and the food in her hand. I lift my lazy body up and sit up leaning against the wall behind me and cross my legs.

"Good morning." I greet. "I feel okay, except for the pounding headache that's killing me." I inform.

"Oh, don't worry about it too much. It'll be gone soon. Just eat up!" She says enthusiastically as she places the tray of food before me.

This is just so sweet of her. I don't even understand why she is being so sweet to me. I have done nothing to deserve such a good treatment. I really don't know how I am going to ever thank her all the things and the efforts she is taking for me.

All this also makes me feel a little weird. I have no idea how to respond to this. I have never had anyone take such good care of me. At least, I don't remember anyone doing it for me for the longest of times. And it does feel a little odd, but at the same time, very special.

"Thank you so much Shelley." I say appreciatively.

"No problem, hon." She replies, smiling brightly.

I look down at the tray of food before me. It makes me realise that I haven't consumed a single morsel of food since yesterday. I guess when you are stressed you don't really feel like eating. I pick up the glass of hot, chocolate milk and take a sip. I feel blessed as the warm liquid makes its way down my throat and into my stomach.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Shelley asks.

"What do you mean?" My eyebrows scrunch up in confusion as I continue sipping on the hot chocolate.

"I mean, what's your plan of action now? What are you going to do? We had a very heartfelt conversation last night, and now it's time to act upon it." She confronts.

She definitely doesn't like to waste time weaving around the bush.

"Oh, umm, I don't really know yet. I haven't really decided what I want to do first." I answer, honestly.

"Okay." She nods, taking in my words. "While you decide what you really want to do, whether you want to go back home, or stay back for a while. Anything's okay with me, but just give your mother a call. I know she would be worried about you. Before you decide upon anything, call your mother. She needs to know if you are okay." Shelley says and shoots me a small concerned unsure smile.

"Right. Umm... will do." I force out the reply.

"Okay then. Eat up...um...and...um... freshen up. And I am here if you need me. Just call out." She says and exits the room.

"Oh boy," I mutter.

It's going to be a long day.

I go back to eating my breakfast, all the while thinking what I should be my next step.

Shall I go back home? Or do I stay back for a couple of days more? Shall I go talk to Rahul? Am I ready to face the wrath of my mom yet? Many more such questions run amok in my mind. Wanting to face things seem so difficult. I know I'll be yelled at, and that I'll be a disappointment. And I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that can feel worse than the feeling of guilt.

Call your mother.

Shelley's words resonate in my mind at the sight of my bags placed in front of a cupboard to my left. She is right. I have to call up my mother. I'm pretty sure I'll have like a hundred miss calls from mom, and that thought alone is terrifying enough for not wanting to give my mother a call. But I know Shelley is right. I have to call mom.

Though, my mind continuously tries to talk me out of calling my mother. It keeps reminding me that I did leave her a note. So, hopefully she might not have called up. She must have believed in my note and decided against giving me a call. But I don't let my hopes get high. Mother's when they are worried keeping calling and worrying until their hair starts to grey. I get off the bed and walk towards my bags. I fish out the my cell phone from the front pocket of my duffle bag.

I take a seat on the bed and take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down. You have to do it. You have to call mom, no matter how many missed calls there are. You have to do it.

I encourage myself. Taking in one final deep breath I light up the phone screen.

Disappointment cruises through me. I feel tears starting to file out of my eyes.

1 Missed Call from Mom.

I left home, leaving one note that read,

Mom, Dad,

I'm not going to be home for a few days. I don't know where I'll be. But, don't worry about me. I'll be okay and I'll be back home soon.

Avni.

And my mother has called me once. ONCE! Does she not care about where I am or why I left? She should be worried, right? She used to give Aahan like a million calls whenever he got too late to come home. Whereas me? I get one call? And I have left home. The situation is far worse but I still manage to get only one call. Well, isn't this situation just perfect?

I was just expecting a lot when I was worrying about having a hundred missed calls from mother.

I so wish she had called me more than once. It would have made me feel cared about, even though it would only last for a moment. Something is always better than nothing.

Well she definitely isn't worried about me coming home. I guess she will never even miss me. She wants to get rid of me either way. The feeling of not being loved by a parent, it's just unimaginably painful. It makes me void of feelings. It makes me question, how will anyone ever love me? My own parents can't reciprocate their love for me. And this feeling gets worse when I have to watch my oh-so-perfect sibling get all the attention and the love and all I get is the leftovers. Every single time. The unfairness and the lack of love makes it difficult for me to be optimistic. And after a point, I find it easier to believe in the worst than hope for the best. And I guess that's what happened to me. I have already disappointed my parent's so much, that I am not capable of handling the pressure of disappointing someone else. I'm convinced of the fact that I have made someone angry, or sad or disappointed the moment I realise I have made a mistake. And I simply don't have enough courage to put up with their disapproving looks. I have had too much of it. Honestly speaking, it screws up with my self-esteem and my self-confidence.

The thing that hurts the most is, I still have hope. Hope that one day, I'll receive the love I have always wanted. And having hope only for it to be crushed at the end of the day is another step closer to insanity.

My vision blurs, once again. I feel my chest tightening up in pain. There's a nonstop flow of tears running down my cheeks. I feel my nose getting blocked up, making it difficult for me to breath through my nose.

I only want to be loved. The unconditional kind of love. But I guess, it's simply not meant for me. At least not in this lifetime.

I throw the phone away in anger. I see in crash against the wall through my blurry vision. I start crying harder.

I can't take this anymore. All these feelings, the pain, the abandonment, the guilt. It's just too much. I want it to stop. I don't want to feel so many unpleasant heartbreaking emotions. Please, someone make it stop, PLEASE!

I grab my duffle bag and frantically start looking through the bag for my pills. The flood of emotions has to subside. NOW! I finally catch hold of the white bottle. I pull it out of my bag and plop one pill out and place it in my hand. I turn around on the bed to reach for the glass of water in the tray.

I swallow the pill and drink up all the water in the glass. I place the glass back in the tray and take a seat back on the bed, slumped and defeatedly.

Why does it still hurt so much? I have been dealing with this since forever, and it still manages to break me, every time. Why?

"Avni! Oh my god! What happened?" Shelley shrieks and rushes towards me. She pulls me into a hug and I give in.

"Hey, calm down. It's all okay. It's okay." She whispers into my ear as me pats my back.

After a few minutes of calming words and actions, I feel myself relax a little. The tears stop running down my face, but my breathing is still a little rough. Shelley gently turns me so that both my legs are hanging off the bed and she kneels down. Her arms rest upon my thighs and she looks up to face me.

"Hey, what happened?" She asks, calmly.

I don't reply. I don't wish to talk about my family. I am not ready to open up. So, I stay quiet.

Shelley senses that I don't feel like talking and I am glad she doesn't persuade me this time. "Hey, I don't know what's wrong, but I'll tell you one thing. I know it's difficult, and you might even feel like giving up, but don't. Things will pass, just wait it out. Stay strong and don't lose hope. And Avni, you know what? You are strong, okay? You can overcome a situation if you believe in it. I have been in some rough places too and I have pulled back stronger. So, it's all okay. Everything will be okay eventually. You just need to give it time." She finishes, softly.

Out of everything that she said, only one things stands out to me. Everything will be okay eventually. Eventually. When is eventually? How long do I have to wait for things to be alright? I have been waiting and waiting and nothing seems to ease out. It just gets worse with every passing day. Things don't get better. They never will.

Tears start flowing down my cheeks again.

"Shh...it's okay, it's okay." Shelley repeats over and over again as she lifts her hand to wipe my tears off my face.

"NO! It's not okay! Nothing is okay! Stop saying that!" I blurt out loudly. I get off the bed, push past Shelley and rush out of the room. I don't wait for Shelley to say anything. I hear her calling out my name, but I don't stop. I need to get out of here. I want to be alone. I don't want a million people lying to me, saying everything will be okay eventually. That's not true. Things never get better, they only get worse.

When are they going to understand that?

I put on shoes and unlock the main door of the house. I half jog and half speed walk towards the elevator. I call for the elevator by pushing the grey button in the centre of the wall. I attempt to wipe off the tears on my cheeks, but it's an futile try, because more tears roll down, replacing the wipped out tear stream.

"Avni! Where are you going?!" Shelley demands. I turn around and see her standing in the doorway, looking concerned.

"I just need to get out for a while. I'll be back in a while. Please don't come after me." I plead. Desperation evident in my voice.

Shelley simply nods, though her concerned look doesn't fade away.

I turn around at the sound of elevator door opening. I am about to get in, but I stop dead in my tracks as I notice the person before me.

"Rahul." I mutter, breathlessly.

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