August 2018

I figured it would be smooth-sailing from here in terms of the not-letting-anything-slip-to-Ollie front. Of course, dealing with my uncle and returning to the town that harboured mostly painful memories for me would be anything but smooth... But at least with my relationship with her... things were supposed to get easier. I was supposed to be able to distance myself. Because I thought, for sure, after the slip up at the gym, Ben would never let her be alone with me again.

Which was why, when Ben told me to take Olivia on a walk through Windeck so that he could have 'alone time' with his father, I was more than surprised.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

· · ───── ∘ ☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

When we left the outskirts of Cologne and the landscape slowly began to turn into a more than familiar one, I felt equal parts of nostalgia and dread consume me. The thick, pine forests zoomed past as we travelled down the autobahn at 150 kilometres per hour towards Windeck. And in between the thickets were sparse meadows and tiny villages, before the scenery would repeat itself once more.

With each passing town I counted down though, my stomach began to clench more.

I hadn't been back since I left.

I hadn't seen my uncle since I left.

Had the distance I had put between the past and now been enough? Or would the wall of memories and emotions make me incapable of thinking straight and protecting Ollie? I hoped for the former.

Ben's constant chatter with me though was a reprieve from the thoughts though. He asked me about this town and that town. Recalled his one visit to Windeck—after I had left—and how much he enjoyed the small village. He discussed his own memories of growing up alone in England while his father lived and worked here. Ben was way more talkative than normal. And eventually I began to realise why.

Olivia was just as silent as me.

If not more.

"Ollie?" I asked after Ben came to a stop, casting another wary glance in the rearview mirror.

Why didn't he just ask her what was wrong? I wondered. Did they fight last night or something?

"Yeah?" she mumbled, head turning away from the window to meet my gaze.

Face softening, I said as warmly as I could, "We were wondering why you're so quiet. Are you okay?"

See, Ben? It's not that hard to ask this of her...

She nodded and forced a smile onto her face. Ben's shoulders relaxed and his grip on the steering wheel loosed, as though he believed her.

But I saw straight through the facade she was trying to erect.

Unbuckling myself, in one quick manoeuvre, I swung through the gap between the seats, landing on the spare space next to her in the back.

"What's wrong, Zappy?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes before saying, a little more believingly this time, "Nothing. I'm fine."

"That's not true, Olivia," Ben suddenly said, now finally starting to see what I was seeing in her tense shoulders and shifting eyes. "Talk to us or I'm pulling the car over."

Her nostrils flared at his threat, and her comment from the gym echoed through my mind in a loud burst once more.

He will always try to smother me.

But eventually the tension in her posture eased and she heaved a sigh before admitting in a small voice, "Just worried your parents' aren't going to like me." Her eyes flickered to Ben and then back to me, as though she were seeking reassurance.

Nonetheless, I could feel the corners of my lips creeping up just as Ben's did at the ludicrousness of her worries. Unable to stop ourselves, we both let out a laugh.

"I don't find it very funny," Ollie grumbled, arms crossing over her chest as she turned to glance out the window again.

"Ollie," I started, wiping the tears of joy leaking from my eyes. "Ben's dad wouldn't care if you had a buzz cut, piercings and tattoos showering your body, and were pregnant with someone else's kid," I exaggerated as I tried to make my point ever more obvious. "All he cares about is that someone has managed to love his unloveable son."

Ollie's brows began to turn down as the doubt dispelled from her face.

But Ben let out an offended, "Hey!" from the front.

I held back the eyeroll.

"He's going to love you," I concluded to her, in case there was a tiny shred of her still worrying.

"I'm sure you've offended a considerable number of people who express themselves through piercings and tattoos and short hair," she grumbled, though the corners of her lips were turning up.

"I've still made my point," I responded. "Ben's dad is an exceptional guy. The father I wish I had. He will never hate you." He was the only reason I survived the years of torture and that initial shock of my uncle killing Anja... if he hadn't been there...

"I notice you aren't talking about your parents though," she countered, eyes narrowing.

"Mine?" I repeated. "Why mine?"

She knew they were horrible... I thought.

But then my mind echoed back, Knew... She doesn't know that now. She knows next to nothing about you now.

"You're my best friend," she said back to me. "I want to make a good impression."

I gave her a small smile at her worry for me, all the while my mind continued to think, No matter how hard you try, Ollie... You'll never impress my family. But you don't ever need their approval.

Though the longer Olivia and I stared at the each other, the more I started to notice her cheeks starting to tinge with pink. The faster her heart began to flutter.

The smile dropped from my face as I realised what was going on and Ollie came back to reality not long later, gaze nervously flickering to Ben.

His jaw clenched and hands tightened around the steering wheel, but he didn't say anything.

Does this Ollie really like me? I wondered, thinking back to what my Ollie said. But even if she does... I can't do anything with that. I can't hurt Ben by trying to find out.

"Their opinion isn't important, Ollie," I then told her. "And you shouldn't be offended if they don't like you." Because odds were, they'd dissect every inch of her. But so long as we behaved and didn't show any interest towards each other beyond friendship... all should be fine.

"That's not promising," she mumbled, teeth catching her bottom lip as she nervously picked off flecks of skin.

"My dad doesn't like anyone," I re-explained, deciding to catch her up on a little of what she used to know. "He's almost as bad as my uncle, but he has some morals left, which is why he and Ben's dad told us of my uncle's plans a year ago." Well... Stephen came to tell us. But they both decided to send him... right? "They wanted us to find a solution because they weren't proud of what was going on and couldn't stand up to him. But my dad... he's not exactly a great father." That's an understatement. "So I would never take his opinion to heart. He's the very one who let my uncle take me away..." And let him take Anja from me.

My mind immediately started slipping into the past. Of when I snuck Anja to my room... of when my dad walked in on us and we merely thought we'd get in trouble for being so young while hooking up. Meanwhile, my dad turned away with this look in his eyes that I'd never forget.

The look that said he was glad he finally found a weakness of mine.

"His mum is better," Ben then said, this time his concerned eyes glancing at me in the rearview mirror, giving me a look that said, 'are you okay'?

With a slight nod, I took a deep breath and used Ben's out to shake away the past. "Mum is quirky and really good at putting on her facades when in front of others, but she will like you." Nonetheless, there was something more important for Ollie to understand... in case I was even wrong about mum. "You don't need to care about their opinions though. Ben's dad is the only one that matters, and he will love you, I assure you."

Ollie's gaze softened at my reassurance, then her hand slowly extended across the space between us, resting on my arm in a reassuring gesture. But as quickly as the moment was there, it disappeared. As though she was scared looking at me for too long would—

No, Lukas. She's not scared of that. Past Ollie was wrong, and now you're seeing things again that you wish were there.

Glancing back forward as the car fell into a comfortable silence, I watched the familiar town start to appear in the distance. It was the first dotting of trees in the outskirts that immediately made my stomach start to squirm.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

Bringing Ollie here to the very place that saw the last person I bonded to get beheaded?

I'm stupid.

So stupid.

Maybe there's a way to back out.

Maybe—

"I'm still terrified," Ollie whispered, echoing my thoughts.

"Well," I responded after another glance out the window, "Be prepared to face it because we're just about there."

We just need to survive today, I concluded. People would have already seen us in town... It's too late to run now.

But we could run tomorrow...

· · ───── ∘ ☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

While Stephen and Ben busied themselves in the kitchen, fixing up drinks and snacks, I kept my distance from Ollie in the living room.

Wary eyes tracking her, she seemed oblivious to me as she took in her surroundings. Her gaze trailed over the furniture, the walls, the floors, the ceiling, studying every crevice of Stephen's home. And eventually, a small smile crept onto her face, a humoured gleam to her eyes.

I wanted to ask her what was so amusing.

But I also didn't want any more reminders of the Ollie I'd grow to miss.

Only talk to her when Ben is in the conversation, Lukas, I reminded myself.

She came to a stop at Stephen's photo wall, eyes trailing over the various pictures of Stephen, Ben as a kid, and Ben's mother.

"Who painted this?" she asked when Stephen and Ben joined the room, making that ball of tension in me disappear now that I was no longer alone with her.

"I did," Stephen said, warmth in the smile that grew on his face. "It wasn't long after we married as she was already pregnant with Ben. There was so much beauty in her in that very moment as we awaited our precious boy... I had to capture it."

I had never met Ben's mother. She was long gone when Stephen took up the job with my uncle. But he shared all his stories of her with me. He shared everything with me in the way one does with a son. Which was why I'd do anything to make him proud of me.

Including ensuring I didn't steal the one person who had finally fallen for his real son away from him.

"She is beautiful," Ollie whispered.

Ben took a step forward, his hand grabbing hers.

Turning her head to look at him, Ben smiled down at her affectionately before breathing, "You're beautiful."

He isn't wrong there, my heart sighed, wishing I was the one who got to say those words to her still. That I got to walk up to her and hold her hand.

But after forcing a smile onto her face back at Ben, suddenly her head turned further, eyes finding mine, apology echoing in her gaze.

My eyes widened at her sudden attention.

Why... in this moment why... why would she look at me?

Ben followed her line of sight, looking at me in confusion before glancing back at her.

Then he dropped her hand and stepped away.

Awkwardly calling Ollie's attention back to the room, Ben ushered her to take a seat by his side, arm draping around her shoulders while we made casual chit chat with Stephen.

But as Ben and his father tried to fill the awkward air with conversation, every now and then, Ollie's gaze flickered to mine. And her cheeks would tinge when our eyes met. Or she'd gently bite at her bottom lip before turning away.

And none of this went unnoticed by Ben.

· · ───── ∘ ☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

When everyone seemed to be finished with their drinks and snacks, I decided to bring them back to the living room.

It was a chance for me to get away from Ollie's watchful gaze.

To give Ben a break from whatever was going on in that room.

And for me to convince myself that I was definitely reading into whatever was going on between us.

Because nothing is going on, I told myself as I unloaded the drinks into the sink. She probably just... has something on her mind she wants to ask but can't in front of Stephen or can't because we're in Windeck.

And she'd look at me because of it? My mind countered.

I don't know!

"Hey," Ben's voice said behind me, causing me to jump.

How did I not hear him coming? I wondered.

"Lost in thought?" he asked, joining me and rinsing the dishes.

"Ah... yeah. It's weird being back."

"I can tell."

I pressed my lips together, focussing on getting the caked-on crumbs off the plate instead of making casual chit chat with Ben.

"You seem distant," he said.

"I'm fine."

"You're not. Even Olivia has noticed. I think that's why she can't stop looking at you."

My heart winced at the reasoning Ben found for her reactions. Nonetheless, I knew it was better this way.

As if she'd be looking at you because she wants you in any other way... the pains of being back is just plain as day on your face, you fool.

"Sorry," I muttered. "I'll try to control myself."

"Why don't you two take a walk together?" Ben then said.

"Who?"

"You and Olivia."

"Us two? Why?"

"Get some air. Show her the town. Maybe... vent some of your worries to your best friend."

Jaw clenching tight, I said, "I'll be fine, Ben. I just need to get used to being here again."

"I'd also like some alone time with my dad," he then said. "To catch up."

Brows coming together, I paused in cleaning the mug in my hands. "So you want me... to go out with her... alone."

"You'll only be in the town." He leaned closer to me, whispering so only I could hear, "I know you used to confide in her a lot... maybe you should share a little bit with her."

Shaking my head, I leaned away from him. "That was my problem in the first place. Why I fell for her in the end."

Ben let out a little shrug. "You already love her, Lukas... telling her everything again won't undo it."

Yeah, but... my Ollie thinks it will start what had her falling for me the first time. And you don't want that. But I bit my tongue.

"Please?" he then pressed. "For me?"

Heaving a sigh, I gave him a curt nod. Then we finished washing up in silence. Though the moment all the dishes were cleaned and I washed my hands, I walked straight into the living room, grabbed my coat, and told Ollie she was going for a walk with me.