hi Love_Pat!
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<3

FIRST IMPRESSIONS!

title! (5/5)

-the title is actually not that bad! i see why you chose it after reading a few chapters from your story and i like it!

cover! (5/5)

-i love how simple yet pretty your cover is! i honestly love it omg

description! (8/10)

-i think you wrote a pretty good description! however, i think that there's something wrong in the second paragraph. i suggest something like 'a new female transfer student came and made people have an interest in her, specifically taehyung.', but it's only a suggestion.

-same with the third paragraph, maybe it'll sound better if it's 'but what if someone else has caught her attention?' be consistent with verb tenses.

-besides that, your description sounds great!

WRITING STYLE!

grammar! (12/20)

-i'll be detailed with talking about some grammatical mistakes that i have noticed in the prologue and in chapters 1-3. these are all based on what i've learned in school so i may be wrong in some parts, as for errors beyond chapter 3, i'll summarize them with no screenshots.

(ps. this is gon be long af so prepare yourself whoopie)

prologue:

1. in the first paragraph of your prologue, the statement 'her beautiful hazel eyes, chocolate brown hair in a ponytail with a simple casual outfit' sounds incomplete. maybe join it with the sentence before it. something like 'it seems that a new student, with her beautiful hazel eyes and chocolate brown hair in a ponytail, has entered the classroom'. 'with a simple casual outfit' feels unnecessary?

-after introducing herself, luna caught the class's attention as a whole, meaning an apostrophe and s is required.

1. the first sentence, again, sounds incomplete. you started that statement with 'as', which supposedly makes it a dependent clause that needs its independent clause. 'as taehyung and his group of friends, who called themselves bts or bangtan' then what? what about them? did they enter the classroom or do anything? it leaves us hanging because it's lacking something.

2. the second paragraph is definitely one very long run-on sentence. it'll sound better if you try to break it down to shorter yet complete sentences.

3. the phrase 'not long after' seems like it needs a verb after it. something similar to 'not long after, luna broke down into tears'. a suggestion is 'not long after, a new student transferred to the school bts attended and she seems to always be happy and smiling. secretly, she too has a dark past that no one knows about'. i may not be correct though, it's just a suggestion.

4. specifically who? specifically what feeling? i don't know, it sounds off to me? maybe start the sentence with 'someone in bts, specifically taehyung, felt-'? the last sentence seems grammatically wrong and i know you tried to add the title in that statement but it just doesn't fit? 'it only happens when he's with her' and another sentence i can think of is 'only she can make him feel that way' and none of those have 'only her' in it aaahsjaka

-you change between tenses a lot and i think it's better if you just focus on one tense. choose between past or present because it may confuse your readers.

chapter 1:

1. if it sounds like a question, perhaps add a question mark? 'will you' already indicates that he's interrogating her somehow and because of that, add a question mark. also, 'don't you know how to respect?!' seems better than using 'learn'.

2. this is another tenses issue, you jump onto different tenses in one sentence and i think the only solution is to choose only one tense that you're more comfortable in using.

3. 'is it' will make your sentence sound like a question but 'it is' declares a statement.

-okay um i'm actually not sure how to explain what i did there but i'll try. what i noticed in the paragraph that starts with jin is that it looks like you placed an adjective clause after each member but it doesn't begin with a relative pronoun (who, whom, whose, that, which).

-i'll be more specific; here is an example of a sentence with an adjective clause:
phones, which most people use, are being upgraded.
while yours is the following:
hoseok, the most heartless and careless in the group.

-let's say 'the most heartless and careless in the group' is the adjective clause. notice that in my example, after that clause, it is followed by a verb? that's what your sentences lack and it makes it sound incomplete.

-if you're not planning on adding a verb after the adjective phrase, maybe try to replace the commas with 'is' to somehow reduce its insufficiency.

-for some reason, the paragraphs sound a little awkward in my opinion aaaah

-btw, i made a mistake while editing the screenshot, 'namjoon is the smartest yet he is the most reckless about everyone and anything, besides the members, as well as being the leader of bangtan'.

-a major issue that i've noticed while reading the chapters in your book is that you keep switching between tenses.

chapter two:

-refrain from using 'as' too much, especially in one sentence. you also write run-on sentences very often and one solution to that is to break it down into shorter sentences. same with the 'as' problem, either replace that word or split the sentence into two.

-um, these are just grammatical errors and i think you somehow understand why i put those corrections? again, these are just based on my personal taste so i may be wrong hehe

-it won't sound good if one whole paragraph is just one long run-on sentence. i've noticed this a lot while reading the first few chapters of your book. just separate them into shorter statements because that'll look better.

1. just like tenses of verbs, the types of verbs should also be consistent. 'hearing' is a gerund while 'to hear' is an infinitive (if i remember correctly), you can either make both verbs a gerund or infinitive, not one of each.

-five words: be consistent with your verb tense.

-the mistakes made here are the same mistakes you've made in the past chapters, i've mentioned them already. aka run-on sentences, verb tense consistency and the excessive usage of 'as'.

-the paragraph that starts with 'as they reached home-' is the longest run-on sentence with so much 'as'. i hope you can find a way to improve this with some of the corrections that i made, i have faith in you!

1 screenshot from chapter 4:

-minor errors and another run-on sentence, it will definitely do you good if you edit your chapters after writing them.

summary of everything:

-break down your run-on sentences into shorter ones, making sure that it still sounds complete afterwards.

-try to not use the same two words in one sentence, like 'started' in one of the screenshots. search its synonyms on google so that your sentence would sound more interesting and less repetitive.

-split the sentence into two or replace the word 'as' because it's been mentioned too much and too close to each other (if that makes sense). this is also one of the causes of run-on sentences.

-be consistent with verb tenses and types of verbs, don't switch between both because it makes your paragraphs look messy and disorganized.

-let your readers know if you change into a different pov. don't suddenly change the pov out of the blue and never use 'you' when talking in 3rd pov.

-make sure to know whether the noun is used as a singular or plural noun. and keep in mind that its verb should match it. if the subject is plural, the verb should be plural as well and vice versa.

-some of your sentences are just grammatically wrong so i highly suggest you proofread and edit your book once in a while, this'll definitely improve the quality of your writing and of the book itself, trust me. :D

diction! (6/10)

-you use pretty basic words, nothing special but i think it's just right? like it's not too basic but not too complex, if you know what i'm saying lmao um you can try going on google to search for more advanced words to add a special touch to your chapters!

editing! (4/5)

-typos and minor errors are evident but overall, you rarely have any misspellings!

STORY DYNAMICS!

plot! (11/20)

-you kind of have a cliche plot going on in your story which is why i gave you a low score aaaah

-it's the usual bad boys, quiet girl and mean girls scenario. there's a lot of cliches in your story like mean girls targeting the quiet gurl who somehow caught the bad boys' attention. aahsjak i'm sorry if i offend you huhu

-but! i do know that you added your own twists to make it your own and i quite like that! i hope that a special wow factor will come in the future chapters to separate your book from the others with a similar plot, i'll be waiting!

flow! (7/10)

-your story is just at the right pace. but in my opinion, taehyung seems to be 'falling' for her too fast? like with intertwining his hands with hers and suddenly defending her from rebecca. i thought it would take him (and the rest of bts) more time to be interested with someone because of their reputation and personalities.

characters! (5/10)

-i definitely think that luna has a realistic perspective, she seems like such an independent, considerate and wise lady. she knows what she's doing and why she's doing it. it's one of the reasons i like her hehe

-bts, on the other hand, have personalities that are too similar with each other? like, if you gave me a dialogue and let me guess who was saying it out of the seven, i wouldn't be able to give you an exact answer because they all sound like one person. i do appreciate that they each have small flaws like jungkook being quite immature, taehyung being a soft boy and yoongi being a sleeper but other than that, i don't know how to differentiate them.

-i personally recommend that you think as that character you're going to write about, like if you're going to write a dialogue that came from jin, think as jin while writing it. same with the others, it makes you see a different perspective and might give your character more diversity. i've tried it while writing and it seems to work for me!

OVERALL EXPERIENCE!

satisfaction! (6/10)

-your book was a great read! but it didn't satisfy me that much aaah i don't know why, maybe it's because of the characters but, i mean, i still had a pleasant time reading it!

addictiveness! (4/5)

-to be honest, i was kind of bored when the story started. maybe it was because i was taking screenshots but yeah, i somehow felt that way? but as the story went on, i just kept reading and reading non-stop, until i reach chapter 15 and was left hanging.

-if you can't tell, i got quite addicted reading your book especially with the additional character cos he's my bias  wINk wONk HAHAHAH

-anyways, i really want to read another chapter :) i'll be awaiting for your update!

overall thoughts! (73/110)

-i think that your book was a good pass time! you made a cliche plot idea different because of your writing style and special touches!

-i personally believe that your book will be much, much better if you find some time to edit it chapter per chapter, keeping my points in mind.

-also, you've definitely improved since the last time i reviewed your book and i'm literally so happy about that uwu

-thank you so much for requesting! have a wonderful day ahead, bella!

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feel free to ask me any questions or clarifications! i'm willing to answer all of them!

-chef mae <3