i like these-
enjoy jully 🥺
also happy birthdaY-
LAURENS207

***

John: Man I'm still tired from all the CrossFit this morning-
Alex: For the last time it's pronounced croissant and you ate six of them-

***

John, on his phone at 2am: Jeez, a woman in Florida strangled her husband to death. Can you imagine just snapping like that-
Alex, laying next to him trying to sleep: yes

***

Philip: I am a god-
Alex: You yelled "shut up" at a thunderstorm and it happened to dissipate. It was purely a coincidence. You have no power-
John: Shut it he's a god-

***

John, out of nowhere, for no reason: Your bellybutton is just your old mouth-
Alex: *throwing hands* I was having a good day. We were all having a good day-

***

John: *points at the floor* There's a spider-
Alex: So what you want me to do??
John: Kill iT-
Alex: You saw it firsT- you kiLL i T-
John: But you're the maN-
Alex, in a dress: since when

***

Alex: It costs $0 to get some rest and sleep for a few hours-
John: I don't have that kind of money-

***

Boss: You want to be a bureaucrat huh? What are your political beliefs?
John: Well I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun-

***

Alex: I'm getting a brain scan today-
Angie: To check if you have one?
Alex: Thank you so much for your concern and support-

***

John, zooted: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down-

***

John: There is no future. There is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet-
Philip:
Frances:
Angie:
Timmy:
Everyone else at John's surprise birthday party:
Alex: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first-

***

John: *lifts Alex up*
Alex: Seriously though, do I even weigh anything to you?
John: No, it's like holding a couple of grapes-

***

Alex: *gives John a gift*
John: What is it?
Alex: Shake it! :D
John: *shimmies*
Alex: goddammit the BOX John- SHAKE THE B O X-

***

Alex: *walks through the front door* Aww look at you, getting fancy with all these candles-
Angie, in a black cloak: First of all I'm about to sacrifice you-

***

John: *gets stopped by a police officer*
Officer: Sir are you drunk? You're staggering-
John: You're pretty good looking yourself-

***

Alex: Yesterday I accidentally stepped on John's foot and couldn't decide on whether to say "I'm so sorry" or "Are you okay"-
Alex: So I panicked and yelled "ARE YOU SORRY???"
Alex: He's still crying in the bathroom-

***

John: How was everyone's Tuesday?
Alex: It's Friday-
John: That has nothing to do with what I asked, you circus clowN-

***

Alex: I can smell the alcohol on your breath through your mask-
John: weLL maybe you should back up Alex. We're in a pandemiC-

***

John: I am one person-
John: But according to this box of cheesecake, I am a family of four-

***

[texting]

Alex: can we talk
John: about what
Alex: us
John: the united states?

***

*at walmart*

Alex, over the phone: Are you lost-
John: JUST BECAUSE I'M IN A DIFFERENT AISLE DOESN'T MEAN I'M LOST-
Alex: So you're lost-
John:
John: MAYBE-

***

Therapist: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your pain?
John: Pi. It's minimal but never ending-
Therapist-

***

Alex, opening the fridge to find John sitting inside: What are eArTh are you doing in here-
John: Well I decided to bake cookies and the instructions said to chill in the fridge for an hour so-
Alex: No that's not-

***

*77 missed calls and 449 unread text messages from John*

Alex: Are you okay? What happened?? I'm so sorry I didn't answer, I was-
John: buy me food

***

John: *eats two gummy bears at a time so they don't die alone*

***

John: *walks out of the store with four bagfuls of mac n cheese*
John: Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to shop-

***

John: I have a headache-
Alex: Take some advi-
Frances: WebMD says you're gonna perish within the next 14 hours-
John: I'm gonna w H a T-

***

John: I am veRy self controlled-
Waitress: Would you like another free basket of bread sir?
John, three baskets in: yes

***

Alex: Do you believe in ghosts?
John: During the day, no-
John: However at night I become slightly more open minded-

***

Alex: When life gives you lemons, what do you do?
Philip: Squirt them in people's eyes-
Frances: Throw them at babies-
John: See how many I can eat before throwing up-

***

John: God I'm so hardcore-
Toaster: *pops toast*
John: *screams, throws phone 10 feet, and falls*

***

John: My therapist told me the way to inner peace is to finish what you start-
John: So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and one whole chocolate cake. I feel better already-

***

Alex: I'm just a person-
Alex: Standing in front of a salad-
Alex: Asking it to be a donut-

***

Alex: I don't think that's a good idea-
John, trying to dry his clothes in the microwave: If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it then how bad of a decision can it really be-

***

Alex: Babe you were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck-
John: I did. I named him Lord Steven and his likes coco puffs-

***

*at a restaurant*

Alex: I'll have the chef's steak-
John, whispering: omg babe that's so rude just order your own-

***

John: Some days I amaze myself with my wit-
John: Other days I put the laundry in the freezer-

***

Alex: *calls up the pizza place*
Alex, talking over screams in the background: WHY WOULD YOU CUT THE PIZZA SO UNEVEN??? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR THIS FAMILY APART IT'S WORKIN G-

***

John, 1:32pm: Not evil anymore I wanna be loved now-
John, 1:35pm: Evil again-

***

Police: Come out with your hands up!
John, still inside: *throwing both hands in the air* I'm incredibly gay-

***

Alex, pointing: That's him. He's the one-
[cut to John eating an entire rotisserie chicken with his bare hands in his parked car]

***

Alex: I don't feel well-
John: *scribbles something on paper*
John, sliding the paper over: Take two of these daily and you'll feel better-
Alex, reading the note: cuddles

***

John: Tater tots is short for potato toddlers-
Alex:
John:
Alex: okay

***

[at walmart again]

John: Should I buy this gnome-
Alex: Absolutely-
John: I think I'll name him Gned-
Alex: Gnice-

***

John, bursting through the front door: THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA IS IN ITALY-
Alex:
John: IT'S
John: I T A L I C I Z E D-
Alex: oh my goD-

***