the fortieth one jully 👁👁 *throws confetti*
enjoy 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Philip: Dad are you okay-
John: PeachY, why?
Philip: Really? Cause earlier you asked Pops for glue to hold yourself together-

***

John: When I die I want to be buried but not in a casket. I want my dead body to nourish the soil and at least be useful in death-
Alex: Shouldn't you be useful in life first?
John: That ship has sailed-

***

Alex: Hey, here's your coffee-
John: Thanks, can I have a spoon?
Alex, embracing John from behind: Of course!
John, on the verge of tears: t H a N k S-

***

Eleanor: So you're the therapist for the whole family?
John: Yep!
Eleanor: Who's your therapist then?
John, holding up a small pebble: I talk to this rock sometimes-

***

The sensible part of John's brain: You made enough pasta that you could take it for lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container-
The overwhelming majority of John's brain: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now-

***

John: *is sad*
Some random shiny things with no function or monetary value half buried in the dirt at the bus stop:
John: oh ho HOOO
Alex: You're just a crow with rights and anxiety-

***

Philip: Here's a fact- Butter, ice cream, milk, and cheese all come from the same animal. I can't remember which animal it is right now but I know for sure it's the same one-
John: I'll give you a hint- it moos-
Philip:
Philip: Thanks yeah it's a moose-

***

Alex: Dirt-
John: Mmmm- tasty-
Alex: The D in dirt stands for do not eat this-
John: But the I R T stands for it's really tasty-

***

Alex: *cups John's face, looking into his eyes*
Alex: Here's what I know: I love you and I like you-

***

Alex: Hey, no kiss bye-bye for Pops?
Frances: You kiss me and I'll bite your face off-

***

Alex: I don't have time for this! Where are your siblings?!
Angie: What am I, their keeper?
Alex: ...Yes?
Angie: ...Backyard-

***

Alex: *sleeping*
John: ALEX ALEX WAKE UP! THERE'S BEEN AN EMERGENCY-
Alex: *wakes up and falls on the ground * WHAT HAPPENED-
John: I want attention-
Alex:
Alex: Its 4am-
John: It's your obligation as my husband to give me attention whenever I want-
Alex: Please go to beD-

***

John: We are sophisticated adults okay-
John: Last week I purchased a vegetable-

***

John: Do you ever just touch your face and think "there be bones in me skin"-
Alex:
John: Ignore me I've had wine-
Philip: I wish I had bones-
Alex: I wish I had wine-

***

[when they were dating]

John: Futurehusbandsayswhat-
Alex: What-
John: SGSFSFAGSHSHSH *passes out*

***

John: *walks in*
Frances: NO FLIP DON'T EAT THE TOASTER-
John:
John: *walks out*

***

John: *runs out of breath after a long rant*
John: Man I did NOT inhale enough lung juice for that-
Alex, in hysterics: Enough WHAT-

***

Alex: What are you doing-
John: Making voodoo dolls of everyone so they finally get what they deserve-
John: *hugging them gently* You're doing amazing-

***

Alex: We will just spend our day vibing!
John: We are not vibing! I'm in severe psychological distresS-

***

John: Are you still upset with Pops?
Angie: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like him to work-

***

John, out of nowhere: PSA - CUDDLE YOUR HOMIES-
Alex: WHY ARE YOU YELLING-
John: BECAUSE I AM YOUR HOMIE AND I HAVE RECEIVED ✨NO✨ CUDDLES-

***

Alex: You made one simple mistake. It's nothing we can't fix. Don't overreact-
John, laying facedown in a hole he dug, covering himself with dirt: I'm not-

***

Philip: Hey Pops, I think Dad mixed up Timmy and me's lunch boxes. Look-
Philip: *shows a note with "I love you so much ♥️" written on it*
Alex: Oh, that explains this-
Alex: *shows the note from Timmy's lunchbox with "please be good. for the love of god, be good" written on it*

***

[doing homework]

Alex: Alright Frances, what do you think?
Frances: I don't know Pops, I'm lost. The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle and I'm at the whim of the cosmos-
Alex: Alright, I'm gonna put you down for "bummer", and you can hang out in that category all by yourself-

***

Alex: You know that voice in your head that tells you what you're doing is wrong?
John: You mean the one that sounds like Momma?

***

John: It's been a long day. How are things here?
Alex: Essentially the same as usual-
Philip and Frances in the background: *running by on stilts*

***

John: Hold on. Uh...Stop. Stop. Um...do you think all of the toys in Toy Story are possessed by different ghosts-

***

John: Honestly the only real one I have is this plant I water-
John: It doesn't ask anything from me-
John: It doesn't need me to be perfect-
John: All it needs is water and my love-
Alex: John that's a fake plant-
John: It's fake?
Alex: It's fake-
John, tearing up: O k a y-

***

John: Hey babe do you want me to do a tarot card reading for you-
Alex: Oh suRe-
John: *lays down cards* Alright, this one tells me you're a precious angel, this one says your smile is heavenly, and-
Alex: John these aren't even tarot cards, they're just pictures of me-

***

Alex: It's family moments like these that I'll never forget-
Angie: With a good therapist, hopefully I will-

***

John: Who is traitor Joe?
John: And what did he do?

***

[middle school]

John, doing a presentation: S-S-So this, uhm, th-this is-
Jimmy: RE-RE-REMIX-
John: I'm dropping out-

***

Alex: My spirit desires to lay down and nap in sunlight forever but life demands that I clean the bathroom-

***

John: I bringe you a heartfelt gift....patch of moss-
Alex: Thank you babe, I appreciate the moss-
John: I'm going to fill our room with moss-

***

John: How many words have I written-
John: Is it a million-
John: Is it TWO million-
Word counter: 409 words
John: L I E S

***

John, watching a movie with Alex: Wow...the cinnamon tography-
Alex:

***

John: Crabs are so gentle, they can be so kind. Their claws? Precise little things, so careful in the sand, so careful with food. They do what they must to live and wave their claws to express their joy to the world for giving so much to them, for giving such kindness to these creatures known as crabs. Please be gentle to crabs-
Alex: Babe is everything ok a y-
John: I'm on. A new sleep medication sorry-

***

Alex's ancestors, watching him dump an entire stick of cinnamon, two cloves of garlic, an allspice berry, and a generous graying of nutmeg into his tea, sweetened with with sugar and loaded with cream, while he sits in his clean warm house surrounded by books, 25+ outfits for different occasions, and 6 pairs of shoes, in a building heated so well he has the windows open in mid autumn: Our son prospers. We are proud of him. He has never labored in a field but knows riches we could not have imagined-
John's ancestors, watching him stuff his face with fried chicken while writing a essay for work at 3am: He eats like an imperial concubine and can afford to work like an imperial worker. WE MADE IT

***

John, talking to the kids: I think some of you need to eat a slice of cheesecake and listen to ambient rain noises for ten hours-
Angie: I never once had a slice of cheesecake in my life. In fact I thought it was something that only exists in the IPU (iCarly pearpad universe)-
John:
John: I want to study you-

***

Alex watching a baking competition: You fool! You can't dip the walnut whirl in the tempered chocolate, you have to drizzle over the top to achieve the characteristic wobble of the coffee ganache, Parisian cafe style!
Alex baking at home: I forgot to put apples in the apple pie-

***

John: You gotta learn to love yourself!
Alex: ??????????????Don't you hate yourself-
John: Yea but this is about you stay focused-

***

John: The devil whispered in my ear, "You're not strong enough to withstand the storm"-
John: I whispered in the devil's ear, "I love your eggs"-

***

John: I wanna swim in a natural pond or lake, I want to walk in and see the moss and the trees and the little fish and just be one with nature-
Also John: hUHEDN SomNETH sloPRY TOUHCY MEy LEG-

***

[texting]

John: momma you don't have to sign your name on texts
Eleanor: Dear John, suggestion noted. Sincerely, Momma

***

John: I've noticed that we've slowly started to phase the B out of our bromance-
Alex, proposing: That's one way you could put it-

***

John: I'm untouchable. A true ice queen. Just try to break me-
Alex: *exists*
John: *falls over* SOMEONE HELP ME IM GAY-

***

John: Hello my wonderful son my beautiful amazing son I was just wondering by any chance any chance at all did you perhaps maybe eat my chicken fingers because I was really quite looking forward to those chicken fingers but of course I won't be mad if you did I was just wondering-
Philip: Maybe 👁👁
John: Insensitive f O o L-

***

Angie: Head, shoulders, bees and toes-
Alex: Bees?
Angie: And toes-
Angie:
Angie: (Bees and toes)

***

Philip: Someone wrote a mean comment to me on my gaming server, what should I do-
Alex: Just report them-
John: Okay Pip, we have a lot of options. You could hunt them down, you could put a curse on them, you could frame them for a crime they didn't commit, you could write about them on a bathroom wall-
Frances: You could write a novel and name a character after them, then gruesomely kill off the character-
Angie: I'm partial to laxatives in the tea-
Alex: Jesus christ you all need to calm down-

***

John: What if Cinderella was a baking servant instead of a cleaning servant and her name was Mozzarella instead of Cinderella-
Alex: John pleasE go to bed-

***

John: The box said four servings-
John: But my heart said one-

***

Frances: Good morning-
Alex: To whom?
Frances: Not to youm-

***

John: Psssst-
John: Alex-
Alex: Honey what do you need it's 2 am-
John: What if-
John: There are aliens on the sun-
John: And UV waves are them trying to communicate-
Alex: Go to sleep John-
John: Okay-

***

John: Sorry for talking about super scientific stuff last night, I know it really bugs people when I don't shut up because they don't understand-
Alex: You sat on the couch and watched a science documentary for three hours and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"-

***

John: *tries to create a sense of calm by lighting incense only to find out that the sticks were actually sparklers*
John: This is painfully on-brand actually-

***

John: How do turtles communicate-
Alex: Hmm. I'd assume through sight and feeling. I'm not sure turtles have other methods of direct communication but-
John: With shell phones-

***

Alex: I'll be back in ten minutes, swear to god-
Alex: *holds up a toy* Here. You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the gift shop-
John: *grabs it and holds it up to his eye* What? A kaleidoscope? I'm not fiv-
[moments later]
John: *mystified* Shapes and colors, the likes of which I've never see n-

***

John: The elf on the shelf is not a cute holiday tradition, but rather a physical embodiment of the orwellian dystopia that we live in today. It is a ploy to make kids blindly accept a surveillance system in their homes and-
Alex: Shut up and help me make the cookies-

***

Philip: I want McDonald's-
John: We have food at home-
Philip: Please, I just want some chicken nuggets and fries-
John: *pulls into the drive-thru*
Philip, excited: Y E S-
John: *orders a black coffee*
John: *leaves*
Philip: Wait no go back-
John: >:)

***

Alex: Hey John I'm ordering pizza, you want anything?
John: Yeah get me a pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis-
Alex: Alrig- wait what-
Alex: You mean a cheese pizza?
John: Oh is that what's it called-

***

John: Oh please, I'm not that stubborn-
[Later]
John: *accidentally goes up escalators that are going down*
Alex: Just admit you you made a mistake and go to the other one-
John, continuing to go up: I made a decision and I'm forever committed to it until it's finished-

***