can you believe we're almost at 30 👁👄👁
have fun jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: Compliment me-
John: You uh...have eyes-
Alex:
Alex: I'll take it-

***

Mugger: Just put in the PIN number and take out 200-
John: It's actually just PIN. The 'N' stands for number, it's Personal Identification Number. So, if you say "Pin Number" you're saying "number" twice. You're saying "Personal Identification Number Number". It's just wrong-
Mugger: *punches him*

***

Alex: What do you guys do when you have big problems?
Frances: I try to fight them-
Philip: I ignore them until they go away-
John: I find a solution to overcome them-
Alex:
Frances:
Philip:
Alex: John?
John:
John: *sighs* I freak out and cry-

***

Angie: *looking through Alex's and John's things*
Alex: What are you doing-
Angie: Pokin' around-
Alex: You can't do that!
Angie: *looks him dead in the eyes* I can do anything I want. I'm cute-

***

Philip, Frances, and Angie: *staring out the window*
John: *walks up to them* What are you guys doing-
Frances: The tv broke so we're watching a couple break up across the street-

***

John: I'm having trouble deciding which would be a good fit for our family. Adoption is so difficult!
Alex: We've been here for hours. Please just pick a plant already-

***

John: Everyone is allergic to something. I, personally, am allergic to babies-
Alex: 👁👄👁
Philip: 👁👄👁
Frances: 👁👄👁
Angie: 👁👄👁
Timmy: 👁👄👁

***

John: What if the reason we're supposed to make a wish at 11:11 is because 1 looks like a candle-
Alex: John darling, please-

***

John, lightly singing: O-O-O'Reilly...auto parts-
Alex: John please. We have something important in the morning and we have to get enough sleep-
John: Okay I'm sorry- *cuddles up to him*
Alex: Thank you- *cuddles back*
John:
Alex:
John, under his breath: Chi-chi-chi-chia-
Alex: *pushes him off the bed*

***

Alex: For our anniversary John took me to Build a Bear Workshop and he chose a sound to put in the bear and he wouldn't let me know what sound it was and he said I couldn't listen until we got in the car so I was kinda worried because I thought it was going to be super vulgar or sappy and gross or whatever but we leave Build a Bear and I press my bear's hand and it just makes this super loud velociraptor sound-

***

Alex: If you have 12 apples, and you give 6 to a friend, what do you have?
John, through tears: A friend-

***

John: Your significant other, me, is a goldfish-
Alex: Explain?
John: A snack that smiles back-

***

John: Hello 911 emergency. There's a beautiful man in my house. Wait a second, cancel that. It's only me-

***

Alex: I don't get cute-
Alex: I get drop dead gorgeous-

***

John, at a family dinner: I love everyone here y'know, but I love myself a lot more-

***

Frances: When you eat a gingerbread man do you ever pause to think about which part of his body you should eat first to make sure his death is quick and painless-
Alex, visibly disturbed: N-No..?

***

John: I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kid's menu. What a stupid age I am-
Alex: I- babe-

***

John: How to become my friend-
John: 1. Take pics of dogs you see-
John: 2. Send them to me-
John: 3. That's it-
John: 4. We are now friends-

***

John: I brushed my teeth with toothpaste that's making everything taste far too effervescent-
Alex: I'm constantly googling words you say to find out what they mean-
John: Teeth are the sharp things in your mouth, and toothpaste helps to keep them clean and strong-

***

Philip: I should drop out of school and become a comedian-
John: Please don't-

***

Alex: What are you listening to-
John: A relaxation playlist. The sound of rain is supposed to relax me-
Alex: Is it working?
John: Not really. I keep worrying that I left a window open-

***

Angie: Alright dad, I need help on this math problem. There are seven baby birds in a tree when their mother and father come back. How many birds are in the tree now?
John: *starts crying*
Angie: Why are you crying-
John: I'm sorry, I can't help you right now! I'm just so happy the bird family was reunited!

***

Alex: How's that wine and coffee combination treating you?
John: My heart is beating really fast but time is moving really slow-

***

Alex: Babe what's going on-
John: I am on day two of a panic attack and I have not slept at all-

***

John: You look beautiful today sweetie-
Frances: Thanks. I love compliments about my flesh prison-

***

[camping]

Alex: Good job setting up the tent-
John: AHEM-
Alex: *sighs* Boneless hotel-

***

John: Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you're just some guy-
Alex:
Alex: You have too many thoughts-

***

John: Whatever. I don't even care. Do I look like I care? Because I don't!
[two minutes later]
John: *sobbing*

***

[giving a spelling test]

John: Alright Pip, your word is-
Philip: Philip. P-H-L-L-I-P-P
John: No that wasn't your word. That was your name-
John: And you misspelled it-

***

John: Alex if I die I'd like you to do one small thing for me-
John: I want you to build a one-hundred-acre museum dedicated to my memory. Bronze my clothing and possessions. Have at least three hundred marble statues erected of me in my most dashing poses. One of these statues should stand one hundred feet tall and greet ships as they float down the Hudson River. One of the fourteen wings of the museum should have an amusement park with the world's fastest roller coaster inside. None of these rides should be equipped with safety devices. You can license some of the space to fast-food restaurants and ice-cream parlors but nothing should be healthy or nutritious. The gift shop should sell stuffed John dolls packed with broken glass and asbestos-
John: There's a more detailed list in our room-

***

John: Bartender, give me a milk-
[dramatic pause]
John: Chocolate-

***

John: *lost in the woods* OH MAGICAL SPIRITS OF THE ENCHANTED FOREST, YOU CAN SEE I'M REALLY TRYING HERE, PLEASE BRING BACK ALEX-
Alex: *just arriving* Oh hi John-
John:
Alex:
John: And I also want a sled!

***

Alex, to John: We can be firm. Remember that time Philip wanted a pet lizard and we said no, and then we got it for him? Let's just do the first half of that-

***

Alex: There's a problem-
John: A problem?
John: *looks out the window into the night*
THE SUN!
Alex: No, not th-
John: THE SUN HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED! CHILDREN CAN'T PLAY, THEY'LL NEVER GET UP IN THE MORNING, NO MORE BREAKFAST-
Alex: No John-
John: THE SUN IS GONE!
Alex: JOHN! The sun being gone is not the problem!

***

Alex: Everybody's got a gay cousin-
John: I don't have a gay cousin-
Alex: *silence*
John: Oh wait, /I'm/ the gay cousin!

***

John: *stubs his toe* GAH! Hot Belgium waffles!
John: Wait I'm home alone today. I can swear for real!
John: *takes deep breath* SON OF A-

***

John: *accidentally eats an entire of package of laxatives because he thought it was a chocolate bar*

***

John: Jail's no fun, I'll tell you that-
Alex: You've been?
John: Once. In Monopoly-

***

Alex: Alright now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute-
Philip: Why? Are you in a hurry?
Alex: No I was referring to your relatively short attention spans-

***

Alex: *working hard, classical music playing, very focused*
John: *upside down on the sofa* Do you think stars have feelings-

***

John: I have never farted in front of him. Nor will I ever fart in front of him-
Alex: He farts in his sleep-

***

John: Is it hot in here, or is it just you-
Alex: Uh no, it's hot in here. I was just making pizza bagels-

***

John: *singing* I know of a place-
John: Where you never get harmed-
John: A magical place with magical charm-
John: Indoors, indoors-
John: INDOOOORS!
John: Take it away Koda!
Koda: 👁👅👁

***

John: *screams*
Alex: What was that?!
John: I just thought about my anxieties and it's like my mind hand touched a hot memory stove-

***

John: I'm hurt-
Alex: How would you rate the pain?
John: 0/10-
Alex:
John: Would not recommend-

***

Alex: Good morning everyone!
Philip: What if mayonnaise came in a can?
John: That would suck because you can't microwave metal-
Alex: Good morning to everyone except these two-

***

John: If you put a bee in the freezer, it will get cold and fall asleep. After it's asleep, put it in your mouth, but don't eat it. Just let it sit there. It will get warm and wake up. Now you have a bee in your mouth-
Alex:
Alex: Why the-

***

John, presenting a cake: Started baking, had a mental breakdown...bon appétit-
Alex:
Philip:
Frances:
Angie:
Timmy:

***

[when they first met]

Eleanor: Tell him, "you have beautiful eyes"-
John: Okay-
John, to Alex: I have beautiful eyes-

***

John: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream-

***

Alex: *holding a piece of paper* Since you asked, here's all the men I've ever dated!
John: *snatching paper* John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John- ALEX HOW MANY JOHNS DID YOU DATE-
Alex: *chuckling* ONE!
John:
John: ...Ohhh-

***

Alex: John I forbid you from taking another step down those stairs-
John:
John: Okay-
John: *slides down the banister*

***