And at first, he can't breathe.

It's like swimming, like drowning, but there's never a bottom nor a surface, and his lungs never seem to run out of air, but they never seem to stop filling up with water, because this isn't drowning, this isn't swimming, this is just floating, just treading water, because he isn't living, not really, yet he isn't dying, and he's just existing, just breathing, and sometimes not even that.

And then he can, and it's not him, it's not his lungs, it's a hand and it's life support, but he isn't pulled from the water, or it drained away, it's just an oxygen tank, strapped to his back: temporary, but for breathing, but for now, he can.

Perhaps that's enough if he had a constant supply of oxygen tanks and hands to hold, but he doesn't, right now he has nothing, nothing but the temporary life she's given him, because Lindsey's looking at him all concerned, wide eyes and he can say nothing at all, he can't even look her in the eye, he's just there, but not, but really not; his body's there, but his mind's most certainly not, and really he's not all that sure if his mind even exists anymore.

She speaks but it's all noise and no words: no sense, no meaning and he's struggling as the water creeps back in again and he can smell hospital and his eyes are red and puffy and he needs someone that will let him sink for a while, because perhaps Lindsey does care too much, because she never lets him go, she never lets him sink, she always pulls him back up.

He's not used to that, and perhaps he doesn't even like that, but she's made it clear that his preferences upon the matter are of no importance to her as she finally pulls him up and they lock eyes, and he wants to cry, but he can't cry, because she's there, and he's a nervous fuck, and he needs to cry, and now he isn't breathing for real in order to stop himself crying and his head's going all fuzzy and he's choking on his own existence, because he knows.

He knows what he does, and he knows the mess he's made, and he knows of the hate he'll receive and now he's just sitting here waiting, and he'd rather die, but she doesn't know that, she could never understand that.

And Gee was stupid for wanting Bert, but he knows, he knows, that Bert would care, Bert would offer him pills, and it would be fine, because the pills take away the tide, they push it back and even after they've worn off you've had the time to scramble far enough away from shore. Sure, they're not permanent, and you'll never another fix some day, but their better than Lindsey and that disappointed look in her eyes, and Gee knows that for sure, today, he's choked up on enough salt water for his brain to be wired perfectly into stupid decision mode.

"Gee, I know what you said to him." Those were the first words that made it through to Gee: drowning out alone in a sea on another planet, and suddenly all wide eyes and black hole pupils, looking up at Lindsey, and she offered sympathetic glances that meant nothing, and that was all okay, not quite alright, but okay, and perhaps things would fade away right there if he didn't hate the fact he had to respond as well.

"Oh." It's nothing it's really nothing: just a passing thought, a syllable, a barely acceptance response, and Lindsey shot him skeptic glances, but at least it broke the silence.

"Can I ask why?" She grabbed the twenty five year old's hand like he was just a kid, and suddenly everything exploded in a flash of white light, and Gee struggled to remember where he was, because it was like waking up from a dream- a nightmare, as with the white light, the water and the drowning faded away into nothingness, and then the nothingness became reality in the form of Lindsey Ballato's living room floor, and he let his fingers slip from where they were gripped tight upon the sofa, his limbs going limp and aching immediately, blinking as he surveyed his surroundings and struggled to understand just what state he'd been in and how long for.

Lindsey simply held up the near empty plastic ziplock bag on the floor, white dust like snow coating the bottom and sides, yet in minority, and Gee daren't admit his knowledge to the whereabouts of the rest of the snow like poison; he didn't need to though - there was no doubt in that gaze that Lindsey knew.

"Why about what you said to Frank, and why about the cocaine. Take whatever's easiest first." She tried to smile, she tried to be friendly, but it simply wasn't happening with the narrow gaze and panicked look hidden away behind two coats of mascara.

"None of it's fucking easy." His words came out exasperated between sighs, and their eyes only connected for a brief moment, looks speaking all for her, before Gee continued, with reluctance, but he continued nonetheless. "I needed to forget. I needed to stop, because I'd messed up, and it just makes it easier, surely you get that, Lindsey? You'd do whatever makes the pain stop?"

"No, Gee, I don't. I don't get that at all; it's not something you can just make no big deal out of, and I want to get that into your head. Sure, smoke, whatever; it's not the best for you, but it's miles better than this... I... Gee, please, don't do cocaine." She shook her head, standing up, grabbing the ziplock bag from the floor with force and binning it like she meant it, never even turning her head for a glimpse of Gee's reaction.

"I messed things up with Mikey." He admitted: heavy breathing and eyes locked upon the bin that the remainder of the bittersweet white powder had been thrown away into. "I told Frank to pick a side. I was just getting it over with; he'd chose Mikey eventually, and I didn't want to think about how much that would hurt later."

"That was stupid, Gee." She shook her head as she spoke, watching as the twenty five year old, stumbled to his feet. "It's been almost a week now, you gotta talk to him, please. He's called, you know, Jamia's called for him, all Jamia talks to me about, because she's worried about is Frank and how he is after this. You know, you were big for him, you were so goddamn important for him, and you still are. He looks at you like you're perfect and he smiles like nothing in the world is wrong - he's goddamn in love with you and you break his heart because you're freaking out over your brother-" She exhaled, words getting tongue tied and all over her. "And then the crack, fuck, Gee, this is no way to sort this. Call him, please."

"What do I say?" Gee stood all wide eyes and twitching thumbs, biting his lip until bled and not giving a fuck when it did. "Sorry doesn't seem to cover it, and I'm not good for him, I'm messing up his life and he is friendships, and I'm just the fucking problem here. Why are you even letting me stay here, Lindsey? Why?"

"Because you're my friend, Gee, and I care about you. Frank cares about you, and Frank is worried about you, and I don't the only thing I can tell him is that you're wasting your life away on cocaine and regret. How did you even get that shit anyway?"

"Bob."

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she spoke. "I didn't think Bob could even get his hands on cocaine."

"He's a drug dealer-"

"He's a fuck up with a bit of marijuana. He's got no friends, no job, no nothing, he's nothing, and that's exactly what you're on the path to here." She exhaled, stepping over the line and realising far too late. "Sorry."

"Nothing." Gee repeated, looking himself over in the mirror: hair streaky with roots and faded spots of dye, sprawling out in all directions like the unbrushed mess it was, his eyes red from crying and other things, his clothes days old by now and baggy on his frame - he was loosing weight and too much of it. "I'm... I'm just... no, I'm... I wanna... I'm something; I'm someone, surely. But who... that's where I'm stumped. I don't know who I am, not really, not at all. They never let me figure that out at all. I wanted Mikey to have a chance, y'know, but it seems Mikey just wants to be like them, normal, or whatever people call it these days, and... I don't, because even if I don't know a damn about what or who I am... I know it's not that, because I'm not like them."

"No, Gee, you're you." And for the first time, they both smiled. "And I know for a fact that what Frank loves you for: not for anything else, not at all. He loves you for you, and believe me you're a great stinky prat, so I've got to give him credit for that at the very least."

Gee blushed like hell at that, and there was no denying the way he felt about Frank, not at all, but some things, they just didn't work out, did they? "I'll go see him."

And Lindsey was content with the slam of the door behind the twenty five year old, having only pulled his hood up to hide the atrocious state of his hair before stepping outside, content, because unlike the twenty five year old himself, she didn't know where he was headed.

-

"Ryan and I are practically married already, so whatever." Brendon coupled his words with almost hyena esque laughter, mimicked in a similar fashion by Ryan, Pete, Patrick, and Ray; Mikey was off sick today, and somehow it had been declared a day of peace and everyone was getting on very well indeed, and even having lunch together, and they actually had a table in the canteen so it was practically Christmas.

Frank however, Frank was having a staring contest with his shitty school horse penis meat spaghetti lunch and wishing he could die or at the very least stop thinking about Gee for just one goddamn minute, but it seemed life didn't quite work like that; either that or God hated him. Not that the latter was entirely unlikely at all, as Frank was pretty much as far from a picture perfect little Catholic boy as you could get.

"Frank, what's wrong? For serious, we're worried about you?" Ryan perked up, noticing the boy's figure sad and leaned over his meal like the world around him didn't quite exist at all and that nothing was really at all worthwhile.

"Yeah, you've been off all day, Frank, is earth all right?" Ray had noticed too, but was far too polite and respectful of Frank's secrets to butt in without someone else to pose the question that had been bothering him for the past few days now.

And despite the five pairs of eyes now on him, Frank remained in silence.

"It's... it's him, isn't it..?" Pete stuttered to get his words out, unsure as to how Frank would react and just how bad of a situation those words would lead him into, but with the state which Frank was in, he pretty much had to say something, and he reckoned he was the only one who actually knew about him, and from the look in Frank's eyes, he knew it to be nothing more than heartache.

"Who's 'him'?" Brendon asked, confusion painted on his face and naivety practically falling from all of his orifices. "Is this some sort of secret everyone's neglected to tell me again? Like that Ryan liked me."

"That was hardly a secret, dumbass." Ryan nudged him playfully, his eyes however, fixated upon Frank, still having made little to no acknowledgement of the fact that anything had been said at all.

"Pete, shut up. It's a secret, and you know that." Ray spoke up, catching Pete's gaze and wondering what on earth had possessed Frank in order for him to actually trust Pete with a secret like this.

"Oh so you know as well-" Brendon interrupted, the tone at which his words came out with never quite catching up with him as he came off all too sarcastic and horribly aggressive and with no apology with which to put it right.

"It doesn't matter." Frank finally spoke, grabbing everyone's attention, looking up at the five pairs of eyes staring blankly at him once more. "I'm just overreacting. It really doesn't matter."

Thankfully, before anyone could quite get another word in with which to ultimately disagree with Frank, Jamia walked over to their table: that typical 'your boyfriend's done something fucking stupid again' look in here eyes that sent Frank's stomach into a series of immediate and unstoppable somersaults.

"Frank, we need to talk." She ignored the others sat at the table, addressing Frank without even so much as a hello to the others. "You can guess what it's about."

"Good news or bad news?" Frank let out a heavy sigh, practically pounding his lungs down into his diaphragm as he did so, getting up from the table, readying to follow Jamia out of school and to Lindsey's place once more, hoping he'd at least get a cigarette on the way, because right now, he really reckoned he deserved one.

"Both." She answered, half smile, half grimace, and then Frank really did not know what to expect.

"This is about that him, isn't it?" Brendon chorused, almost glaring at Jamia accusingly as it seemed the knowledge that he didn’t know a secret seemed to be something he couldn't quite bare. "She knows, of course, doesn't she?"

"Jamia's pretty much my best friend." Frank admitted, freely without the presence of Mikey, yet still cringing a little at the look Ray gave him from the corner of his eyes, because surely that hurt the guy, and as close as Ray and Frank were, he and Jamia were just a close in a whole other way.

"And we're not? I assume from-" Brendon began, only to receive a not quite so friendly shove from his boyfriend, who then proceeded to flash Frank an apologetic glance.

"Brendon, leave him be. He's upset, and it's clearly not our business." Thank god at least Ryan Ross could keep Brendon under control when he needed to be; Mikey Way was far too heterosexual to be able to have such a useless boyfriend, and it was really ruining Frank's life in more ways than anyone could imagine.

"You know, Frank, with all this secrecy, and the fact that you're not even half the time, you just can't help but suspect things, and really, maybe sometimes I think you're just as bad as Mikey." And even as soon as Brendon said it, he knew himself that it was uncalled for, but that was simply nothing that dropped jaws and wide eyed gazes could solve.

"Fine, fucking fine. You want to know what's going on? Okay, fucking good for you." Frank exhaled, Jamia shaking her head like crazy as she sensed just what Frank's irrational responses were going to force him into doing; Frank continued regardless. "My boyfriend just broke up with me, and really not in the fucking best of ways, but I'll let you know I am nothing like Mikey, so don't you fucking dare."

And with that Frank stormed out, leaving Jamia to chase after him with even more pieces of Gerard and Frank's destroyed relationship to pick up and badly tape together in a terrible attempt of fixing; seriously, you had to give her credit for trying, though.

-

"Off sick?" He scoffed, meeting Mikey's eyes with nothing but nonchalant skepticism: bemused, yet not quite caring. "Unimaginative - I have to say." His words came with a smirk as he sat beside the seventeen year old; the two of them sat a top the hill with the trees behind them, Mikey having taken them to his 'special place'.

"Yeah, you usually went for killing off non-existent relatives." Mikey raised his eyebrows as he spoke, a smirk that perhaps shouldn't be there, tugging at the corners of his lips as the words just seemed to tumble out.

"It worked, didn't it?" He raised his eyebrows, unaccepting of Mikey's skepticism towards his approach, and proudly hypocritical of his behaviour just prior.

"Yeah, it did." Mikey shrugged, eyes hitting the floor, writing nonsense into the mud with a stick and basically trying his best to look anywhere but his brother's eyes; they had to talk - they both knew it, yet of course that never made it at all anymore bearable.

"I'm sorry." Gee breathed out words that didn't quite seem to fit the situation, especially since they were coming from his lips and to be received by none other than his brother; things like that just didn't happen. Perhaps Gee wanted to try to make this work, or perhaps it was guilt: even he couldn't tell.

"Mum and Dad just aren't fucking happy, Gee. Especially not when I'm siding with you - that just makes it worse, and sometimes, you know it is just really fucking hard to believe that you're not the problem here." Mikey's words were perhaps a little uncalled for, but the twenty five year old was used to it - especially from his family.

"Did it get better when I left?" He asked with little regard for context, wanting nothing more than a simple yes or no answer, and therefore deeming the question worthy of nothing more than such simplicity.

Mikey looked at him for a few moments: face blank besides the appearance of a perplexed gaze, before he suddenly seemed to jolt back into life, his eyes widening as his features took on almost a puzzled expression, lips parting to utter the answer his brother already knew he would receive. "No."

"See." Gee forced a smile upon his lips: just a little inappropriate in such a situation, but he wore it with pride none the less, and the hope that finally he and Mikey were getting somewhere, because Gee was really doing this for Frank; he didn't want it to be Mikey or him, he wanted it to be both, and Frank wanted that too. "They're the problem."

"Oh here you go again - blaming everyone but yourself." Mikey rolled his eyes, almost cursing himself for even imagining that Gee could possibly act even vaguely civil towards him for even ten minutes. "You don't get that, do you, Gerard? No one's going to make an effort unless you do as well."

"I am making an effort - I didn't come and fucking see you for nothing, did I?" The older of the two brother's exclaimed, his voice bordering shouting right now and really they were just glad that the area was as secluded as Mikey had assured.

"You did a plenty good job of ignoring my texts though!" And that was how they argued, almost like a married couple of some sorts, but that was a really messed up image and Gee reckoned he'd rather not consider incest today if it were at all possible.

Then they just sat in silence for a few moments, because Gee knew his brother was right and indeed had a point here, and he was of course far too stubborn to even consider vocalising such thoughts and realisations.

"I tried to kiss him, you know." Mikey finally chose to broke the silence: his voice quiet, almost as if he dared not speak at all, and their eyes met then; the sad look in Mikey's giving Gee all he needed to know. "I haven't seen him since. We haven't even communicated at all, and I haven't asked anyone about anything and I haven't told anyone and I don't know if he has and I'm so fucking scared of going back to school, because it's Pete and he doesn't just tell one person - he tells everyone, and he'll tell Alicia, my girlfriend and- it was just stupid... I..."

"You cheated on her, huh?" Gee finally spoke again, after watching with raised eyebrows as Mikey broke down a little for a few seconds, speaking only of the blatantly obvious as he very much doubted he could say anything that would at all even dream of positively impacting Mikey's mental state right now.

"Yup." He snapped, his tone almost sarcastic: tears brimming in the corners of his eyes as the skin surrounding them began to redden.

"So who are you going to pick then?" Gee asked the question almost too nonchalantly, almost in utter ignorance of his brother's devastated state, but really the twenty five year old just hated to admit he hadn't the slightest idea as to how he should comfort people when they were upset. "You're going to have to go for either Pete or Alicia in the end, you know..." He spoke; his words directed at the look of confusion Mikey had given him in response to his previous statement.

"I don't know, because Alicia is really hot and popular and I can’t believe that she finally likes me and I don't know, she just makes me feel good about myself - she's kind of like the perfect girlfriend, if you know what I mean?" He paused, catching his brother's gaze.

"Mikey, I'm gay - I have no fucking clue as to what a 'perfect girlfriend' would be like."

"But then... you know, Pete's just something else, and it's so confusing because I've never felt anything like that before and it feels deep down, kind of wrong, yet I... it's sort of addicting, because it feels almost better than anything else, and I... it's all a mess..."

"Now there, I know exactly what you mean." Mikey's eyes widened with delight at his brother's response.

"You do?" He exclaimed, grin almost painting itself upon his face, and really Gee couldn't help but resent the fact that what he was going to say next was most certainly going to smash that grin right to the ground.

"Yeah." He exhaled, gaze hitting the floor: anywhere but Mikey, really. "You're not going to like this, but... that's exactly how I felt when I first met my boyfriend."

And that was what brought Mikey to silence for what felt like hours, but was really perhaps nothing more than a mere five minutes or so, but to be honest, five minutes in utter, awkward silence, is in fact, quite a lot to bear, and Gee found that out the hard way, wondering where on earth anyone would go from here, and just how long it would be before Lindsey had come to realise he'd simply set out to make more shitty decisions and not fix his life at all.

He even soon came to the rather ponderous conclusion that he wasn't in fact doing anything for himself, but really for Frank, and Gee even wondered if that was love at all or not, but then he realised with parents like his, he really didn't have the slightest clue as to what love was or what the word even really meant, let alone, the actual concept.

But whatever it was with Frank, it was most certainly something special, because Gee knew he most certainly wouldn't go to lengths such as these for just anybody, even not for himself, and it hurt his head a little when it came to pondering just quite what that meant. Frank was just Frank, and Gee was just Gee, and whatever was between them was just too special and just so easily temporary to not even have a name placed upon it, and Gee found himself never to be quite okay with that, but perhaps complacency was something else, and perhaps something he'd grow to come to terms with.

However, as unlikely as it might seem, Mikey broke the silence before the older of the two brothers could ponder over his entire existence - Gee reckoned he did get pretty close though.

"So what? Am I gay then? Is that it? What am I supposed to do now? Tell me what to do now, please Gee. Nothing makes sense anymore." He came out with what seemed to be a thousand questions a minute, and Gee wondered if he was even keeping up, because the twenty five year old most certainly wasn't.

"I'd say that if you're going to go around kissing other people, you need to break up with Alicia, because no matter how much of a 'mistake' it was, if the thought to even do such a thing popped into your head, then you don't really like her as much as you like the idea that you do, or what I think in your case is the idea that she likes you."

"So how do I know that I love Pete more than I love Alicia, though, I mean I-" He stumbled over his words, his eyes not quite meeting his brothers: a key signal to the fact that his thoughts were elsewhere entirely.

"Mikey, you're seventeen - you don't love anyone, especially not some fucking cheerleader you've dated for like two weeks tops." Gee was perhaps just a little harsh on his brother, but he really didn't care at this point, because Mikey was rather into the habit of asking for advice he would never accept.

"She's on the netball team-"

"Do you think you're going to give a single fucking shit about that in even a year's time?" Gee exhaled loudly as Mikey looked at him liked he'd just admitted to murder or something. "Look, Mikey, I'm older than you, and I don't think I've ever really been in love, look and I can tell you one thing for sure - nothing that I faced in high school really matters one shit at all anymore."

"Okay, but this matters to me now because it's my whole world right now, so what am I supposed to do, Gee? I mean am I gay or what? I mean, I'm not supposed to like guys- I never wanted to like guys, especially not Pete-"

"Do you think I ever wanted to like guys?" Gee shot back, all on the defensive in seconds, but with reason, even if it made very little sense to Mikey and the naivety that ran through his veins. "Do you think I ever wanted to be picked on? Do you think I ever wanted to be kicked out? Do you think I ever wanted to be disowned?"

"But you... you just kind of embraced it... like, went full homosexual without a care. You didn't even try to hide it." Mikey told him, and Gee really struggled to see Mikey's point here at all, but he could hardly blame anyone but their- Mikey's parents right now.

"How psychologically damaging do you think hiding and masking and hating who you are for years on end is?" The older of the two brothers just looked at the younger, because Gee knew like hell that he was right.

"I don't have a fucking clue who I am? How were you always so sure?"

"I just went with what felt right, Mikey, and that's all I can suggest for you, just ignore every should and every expectation and just do what you want for once."

-

"Where the hell did you go, Gee?" The twenty five year old barely even had the opportunity to close the door behind him before Lindsey's voice erupted against his eardrums and for one painful moment it was like he was a teenager again.

He turned around to see Lindsey stood arms folded in the doorway to the living room, and it was made rather clear that he wasn't moving anyway without an explanation, and he really kind of felt sorry for her future children, because they really weren't pulling any bullshit with her around at all.

"I went to see Mikey, to talk to him, because I never did reply to his texts, and I think we're okay now, but he's going to blame all consequences of his actions on me for the rest of his life, and I think perhaps that's something I'll just have to learn to deal with."

"I told you to go see Frank, do you not even care how upset he's been?" Lindsey could barely get her words out, before Gee interrupted; the whole hallway consumed in tsunami esque energies of anger.

"Do you not even care that I'm not your fucking child, Lindsey? I can make my own decisions and I don't have to be here, you know." He reminded her, and it seemed to sink in as the yelled words settled into silence and bitter glares that each pretended simply not to notice, perhaps just for the ease of ignorant pacifism.

"Yeah, because that went all so well, didn't it?" She spat under her breath, and perhaps Gee would have retaliated, or better just walked back out the door again, if Frank had not pushed through the door behind her and stood in the hallway, looking up at Gee all wide eyed like he couldn't even believe that he really existed, and suddenly it was like that night when they first met all over again, and the heels that were probably still somewhere in Bert's kitchen.

"What the hell did you even say to Mikey?" Frank asked, just a little pissed that Lindsey felt it mandatory that she stand by as witness to this conversation. "He's been weird recently. Not at school today either."

"Neither are you." Gee noted, a smirk tugging at his lips.

"Yeah, that's your fault." Frank spat back, but somehow, again, within instants they were grinning at each other once again, and it was at that time that Lindsey rolled her eyes, giving up and going to the living room where Jamia sat alone rather awkwardly, having accompanied Frank here.

"He likes that guy and it's confusing him, because he did something and he's scared." Gee answered just about as vaguely as he could manage, and Frank shrugged it off, guessing he'd find out sooner or later.

"So do I have to pick between you and him again now?"

"No. I think I made things up with him again, so we're all good- I mean, if you want to be, because I am still so fucking totally in awe of you, I mean, Frank, I just-"

"Shut up." The seventeen year old muttered with a shake of his, a blush crawling up his cheeks like some sort of emotionally messed up spider. "Of course, we're good - I love you, Gee. I also kind of accidentally came out to all my friends except Mikey today."

"Wait what? You have more than one friend?"

"Oh fuck off." Frank rolled his eyes as he spoke, pissed off, yet nothing else ever felt quite as good as even just talking to Gee. "Yeah, I was upset and they kept asking me why and I eventually just screamed that it was to do with my boyfriend before storming off, so yeah, that could very easily go terribly."

"I'm sorry - I didn't ever mean to upset you, Frankie."

"It's okay. We're okay - that's all in the past now, okay?"

Gee just pressed his lips against Frank's: words unable to describe what he felt right now, but he felt that excessive mouth to mouth contact most certainly could, or even if it couldn't, there was certainly no harm in trying.

- 

Hey guys:) I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did I'd really appreciate it if you could leave votes and comments and whatever:) I love you all<3