*James*

Nate and Julia sleep in the same bed but are not intimate. She has yet to forgive him for the things he has done. How do I know this? Julia tells me everything. That's what best friends do. I don't even know if she really talks to him much while at the Avalon. I'm certainly not bringing any of that  up even though my sisters keep prying.

It feels good to be home. Well not my home. Mom's home. Today is a good day for her. I still can't look her in the eye, but she knows I'm here. She hugs me and kisses my cheek and lets me sit next to her while the girls make dinner.

"So she was living with you and now she's not? And you are back at Nate's?" Jennie raises a brow.

"It's complicated. But don't even say it- because right now it IS a stress free environment." I can tell that was the first thing that came to Kendall's mind so I shoot her down before she can even speak.

"Sounds like a whole friggen commune." Ashley laughs and ruffles my hair. "Where's Katie at anyways? She should have been home by now. She only went out for a bottle of wine."

 I look around the room. Ashley is right. It's been awhile since Katie left to go to the store. Sometimes the house is so hectic and loud with all the girls chatter we forget who is where but Katie left over an hour ago. Right as I think that, she walks through the door.

Katie looks like she's been crying. Disoriented. She puts the bag with the bottle of wine on the kitchen table and sits down but doesn't say a word.

"You good?" I peer at my oldest sister from across the kitchen table.

"Yeah.. I ..I don't know. It was the weirdest thing." She begins and I straighten up. Kendall does too, both of us on edge from what Kendall said when she confided in me a while back.

"I just.." Katie laughs a little, trying to cover up the fact she, at one point, was clearly crying. "I just forgot where I was going for a minute." She laughs but no one else does.

"What do you mean? You were going to the liquor store right up the road?" Gwen chimes in.

"Yeah.. I know! I guess I missed a turn. I ended up across town at the Flower Shoppe." 

Across town at the Flower Shoppe. What the hell is she talking about? The liquor store is walking distance. Right up the road. There's no wrong turns. It's a straight shot once you get out of the neighborhood. I suddenly get this churning feeling in my stomach.

"Does that happen often?" I ask.

"Does what happen often?" Katie cocks her head to the side in a confused way, just like mom does. Her eyes almost glazed over, just like mom's when she is with us but not really with us. Tears flood my eyes at record speed and I look away from my sister. All eyes and ears are on our conversation now.

I look over at Kendall who shakes her head at me with a sympathetic look to her face. Because she knows. 

"James why are you crying?"

 It's ma who notices it first. I need to make sure I don't look at her. I turn my eyes down and shake my head.

"I'm not, mom. I'm fine."

"What did he do to you, Jamie?" Mom begins to get confused and  rewinds to the past. "You know he doesn't mean it. He has a problem. Your father is a good man."

"He is ANYTHING but a good man, Mom!" Ashley snaps. We always remind mom. No way do any of us ever want to hear mom make excuses for our asshole father. Whether mom is with it or not. The damage was too much. "He hurt ALL of us!!"

"Well. Not me.. but yeah, mom. Joe was NOT a good man." Kendall continues but my eyes are back on Katie.

"Katie...does this happen often? You forgetting where you're going? Stuff like that?" I press on.

"Me? No. What the hell, James! I forgot where I was going for a second, that's all. Quit your crying!!" Katie blurts out and everyone's eyes sadden. "Sorry... Sorry I didn't mean that the way it came out." She backtracks quickly and takes my hand. "Sorry. Oh God.. James I'm sorry."

I know why she's sorry. I also know why I'm now silently drowning in my own tears that stream down my face. Jennie quickly comes over and wraps her arms around me. 

"She didn't mean it like that. You know that." She whispers and I nod. Obviously I know that.

****

"Quit your crying! You're a damn baby sometimes." Joe turns away from me and I slide down the kitchen wall and cover my face with my arm, trying to hide my tears. But I'm only nine. I don't know how to control them yet.

"Goddammit James. You're the only son I have. Stop acting like your fucking sisters. Pick it up and do that outside. You cry one more time, I swear to God-"

I scramble to my feet and grab my soccer ball. I broke the kitchen window. I didn't mean to. Not at all. I kicked the ball too hard outside. Glass shattered everywhere.

"Wait. Take your socks and sneakers off." Joe grunts.

"What?" I look up at the scary man I call Dad.

"You heard me. You're gonna walk to the back door barefoot." Joe looks down at all the shattered glass. "You're gonna fucking walk to the back door barefoot, throw your ball outside, and walk back over to me for your punishment."

"Dad..." I can't help but cry while looking at the shards of glass. My feet are small. I'm only nine, maybe I can walk fast and get through the kitchen to the back door quick without getting cut.

"James. Quit your crying! Go!"

******

"I'm so sorry!" Katie's eyes are wide. She remembers. Of course she remembers. You don't forget shit like that. That's the shit that stays with you forever. That's the shit that haunts you in the middle of the night. Forget fucking monsters under the bed when you have a father like Joe right in the other room.

"I... I need air." I bolt out of my chair and head to the front porch. Maggie leaves mom's side and quickly follows me out the door. I sit down on the front steps and notice my hands are shaking.

 That bastard. He made me walk across the broken glass. Twice. And when my sisters couldn't get all the glass out of my little feet, mom had to bring me to the pediatrician. I don't even remember what they used as an excuse that time. There was always an excuse. 

I close my eyes and pull Maggie in closer to me, wrapping my arms around my dog who begins to lick my tears just like she does when Julia cries. She's a strange animal but I love her.

"You ok?" Gwen comes out and sits down on the other side of me.

"I need to go home.. I'm sorry. Gwen, can you take me home?" I look up at my sister and she nods.

"Of course I can, Jamie. Do you want to say goodbye to-" She knows the answer. When these things happen I need to get away. Fast. Too fast to go back inside to say bye to anyone. I shake my head and she catches on quickly.

"Right, Let me go grab my car keys." Gwen rushes back inside knowing I need to get away from everyone....right now.. It's just how I deal with it. Usually I go for a long run with my dog, work out. Hard. But I don't like my sisters seeing me cry or breakdown. Especially when it comes to our past. So I remove myself from them until I can calm down. They all know this. They know not to take it personally if I don't say goodbye.

"Ok, sweetie. Lets go." Gwen shuts the front door and gives me a nod.

I just need to get away from those memories.

"Actually. Can you drop me off at Sully's? There's a soccer game on." Gwen knows I sometimes go to Sullivan's tap to watch sports. Not to get drunk. It's how I have gone so long with out the hassle of a cable tv bill.

"Of course. Do you want me to ask Uncle Mac or one of the girls to bring you home after or do you want me to stay with you or-"

"Can you have Uncle Mac call an uber for me when I'm ready? Sorry, my hands." I still fumble and can't quite use cell phones yet. I keep trying though.

"Of course, Jamie."

*****

*Trisha*

Wembley Stadium.

Nate's gonna lose his shit when he hears this! I  leave the meeting feeling on top of the world right now. Nate sold out the Arena in a half hour! That's 10,669 people in 30 minutes. That's $815,514 in revenue for one night! That's huge is what that is! I quickly walk back to Nate's studio where Paul is waiting. He couldn't come in to this specific meeting. You can't even bring cell phones to these meetings when the big shots talk about money and sales. You have to check your phone in at the door, so nothing leaks to the media. That's all we need. Susan Hardy knowing Nate's tour schedule down to the exact days.. She'd have her minions following him EVERYWHERE.

"You're up to no good, Banks." Paul meets me in the hallway with coffees and hands me one.

"Aww, thanks Paulie." I smile up at the bodyguard, glad that things remain normal and on good terms even though we tried to be more than friends... and slept together....a lot.

I open the door to the studio, with Paul right behind me and see Nate lost in his artistic ways while working on a song. He strums his guitar, hums, sings words, writes them down. The process is actually fascinating to watch. I stand in the door way so I don't interrupt him. Once he opens his eyes and is finished writing, I let him know I'm standing here.

"Sounds good, playboy."

Nate jumps  a mile.

"Jesus Christ, Trisha. Weak heart, remember? Weak heart."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." I plop down next to him and  pick up his notebook.

"Why are you here?" He pulls the notebook away.

"Meeting with the tour managers. Did you know you sold out Wembley Arena within a half hour?" I'm beaming and Nate can tell. This is big. This is REAL big.

I love watching Nate's facial expressions change. He's like a little kid. His eyes widen and shine brighter when he hears this news.

"Wow.." He mutters in shock.

"You should be proud of yourself. Even with all the shit you pull, you still have an enormous fan base. The Heartbreak Hotel song has been a steady number one on the charts for over a month now. Tour is gonna be so much fun!" 

"Moretti decide what she's doing?" Paul asks in his low grumbly voice.

"No and Dickhead Donovan isn't making things any easier either, filling her brain with all the negatives. He just wants her at the Avalon full time so he can fuck with her." Nate sighs but dismisses it and looks back over to me.

"Wembley stadium. Wow."

"Wembley stadium. Wanna know what else?" I am literally giddy with excitement.

"What?"

"Madison Square Garden. Both nights...." I pause for dramatics. "Sold out within an hour. AN HOUR NATE!!!" I throw my arms around him.

"Holy SHIT, are you fucking for real Trisha?!" Nate squeezes me so tight he may break ribs. Finally. FINALLY we get some exciting, positive news.  I pull away from Nate and see tears in his eyes. He knows how big this is. Paul knows how big this is.

Everyone knows how big this is.

"Ren is waiting to take me home, meet you guys there??" Nate stands up and grabs all his stuff. 

"C'mon Hot stuff. Time to go home." I pull Paul up and we all leave the studio together. Nate goes his separate way and we go ours right as I get a text message.

Mac. Mac from the bar. He has my phone number. There have been plenty of times Mac has called me when he couldn't get a hold of Nate's driver. All of those times Nate has been wasted at the bar needing someone to go babysit him. But Nate is still here in the parking lot.

I read the message while getting into the car with Paul.

"Shit. We need to stop at Sullivan's first."

"Sullivan's??? Looking to start up drinking as a new hobby, Banks?"

"No, apparently James is though. Shit. C'mon."

Mac's message was vague but enough to let me know James is either drunk or just needs a ride home. I wouldn't think James to be drunk in the middle of the afternoon. That's not James. Unless something happened.

"Wait here, I'll go see what's up." Paul parks the car.

"Yeah ok."  I snort and unbuckle my seatbelt. Paul knows me better. I'm not waiting in no car. We walk into the crowded bar together. It's loud thanks to a soccer game everyone is cheering for. I make eye contact with Mac who is behind the bar drying glasses and he ticks his head over to the side.

"I know he can't use a phone. I had to help him put his beer mug in his hand for him.  Poor boy's hands were cooperating. But. He's upset. And if I know my nephew. It's because of my brother." The old man shakes his head. We all know Joe Gallo. The whole town does. That piece of shit. Both Paul and I nod and head over to James.

He doesn't look drunk. Not at all. But he sure as hell looks upset. And some floozy is trying to flirt with him. James is polite but he doesn't give her the time of day, continuing to sip his beer, and watch the game on the TV.

"He's taken." I glare at the brunette who skitters away. "She's cute. Plastic, but cute.. Most likely a walking STD though, Hotstuff." I sit next to James at the bar and Paul takes the stool on the other side. I can tell he is still in bodyguard mode, looking around the pub. But eventually Paul relaxes a little and begins to watch the soccer game too.

"What's going on? Just hitting on girls and drinking the afternoon away??" I tease James and look at the third beer he is working on. I know James well enough. Three won't get him drunk. Those big muscles will just absorb the booze and probably turn them in to bigger muscles for all I know.

"Hey." James says and looks away from the TV to smile at me.

"I hear you may need a lift home?" 

"Probably."

"What happened, James?" I rub his back for a moment before he talks.

"I think my oldest sister has what my mom has."  

*****

*James*

I watch both Trisha and Paul stare at me now with wide eyes of shock.

"Wha- what makes you think that?"

"It took Katie an hour to go to Ron's Liquor Mart. Five minutes up the road. She forgot where she was going, and why." I begin. "She ended up on the other side of town at a damn flower shop."

"Fuck." I hear Paul grumble and look away for a moment and Trisha put her hand to her mouth.

"Then." I swallow hard. "She turned into Joe. Just for a second. But just like my mother, she brought up something from the past."

"Something from the past? Like what?" Trisha pries. I take a large gulp of my beer. I'm not drunk. Far from it. But am starting to feel a little buzz after two shots of whiskey and now on my third beer. 

I quietly tell Trisha...and Paul, by default, my story.

"Oh my GOD." Trisha whispers with tears of her own running down her face. I have no more tears left so look back at the game. I can feel Paul's eyes on me though. He knows a little. But maybe not that specific story. I'm full of stories.

None of them are good.

******

Trisha and Paul get me back to Nate's. Again. Not drunk. But can't drive. 

"Thanks, guys." I say as we pull up to the parking garage.

"James. Anytime you wanna go and get wasted. You have Mac call me. You're allowed to get wasted every once in a while. Especially after that ..." Paul mumbles. That's his way of letting me know I can count on him.  I nod and Trisha opens my door for me. She is a bit speechless still. To be expected. It's a lot to unpack.

Once up at Nate's I see the balcony slider is open. I know Julia. She's out there. I  go out to the balcony and say hi to her. 

Julia's upset.

 "Hey. Why do you look so sad?" 

Julia puts her index finger to her lips to shush me and ticks her head to the side. I can hear Jonah and Casey talking clear as day. I don't think they realize that window is open. Julia can hear everything they are saying.

"Miss Moretti," I whisper and sit next to Julia. "Are we eavesdropping by any chance?" I smile when she nods and we both listen.

"Well she's never going to be mentally stable. You know that, Jonah. Hell, look at that Eric guy, didn't he commit suicide from having the same diagnosis as Julia?"

Casey's words sting Julia and her eyes begin to water. I furrow my brows. They are talking about Julia.

"We will just have to monitor her carefully. And Paul will be there in case she gets out of control." Jonah answers. "I'm more worried about how Julia and Trisha will do being together all that time. They aren't quite...friends."

"Yeah cuz they both want Hollan." Casey laughs.

"You think?"

"Oh c'mon. You can't see it? The way Trisha look at Nate is the way James looks at Julia. Trisha is just waiting for the ball to drop so she can have Nate to herself."

Julia nods as tears roll down her face. I fumble, trying to hold her hand, but once I do I give it a little squeeze to remind her I'm right here with her as she listens.

"They don't know what they're talking about." I whisper and nudge Julia a little. "Cmon. I get to go home for the weekend. Help me pack."

Julia nods. She knows it's just a distraction. Casey or anyone else could help me pack. I want Julia to, though. I need to get her mind off that conversation.

"Maybe I'll stop off at the grocery store before we head to your house. I can make dinner for everyone- if they want." Julia says in a nonchalant way while folding my clothes. I pretty much brought most of my wardrobe here now.  Now I'm packing just to go home. Ironic.

"That sounds good." I don't bring up the fact that Julia never cooks. But I think it was really nice of her to offer. Maybe it will get her mind off of things. 

"What did you do today while I was at the Avalon? You smell like... beer?"

I laugh. Then stop. Then rehash my story once again. Because I tell Julia everything. Amazing how connected you can feel towards someone you have known for less than one year, to the point you tell them everything on your mind.

*****

"And she CAN cook." Casey teases as everyone sits at the kitchen table. We ALL end up going to James's house for dinner, including Nate. Julia looked happy to make dinner for everyone. I love it when she's happy like this. She plays music in the background and does her thing  while everyone hangs around my kitchen, chatting away.

"Ha...ha...ha." Julia plates everyone's food. Pork chops, mashed potatoes and corn and biscuits. "I DID have a family.....once."

The room falls silent.

"Sorry." Julia pauses. "I used to cook every night. Every single night. Homemade meals. Good ones. Luke and... Danny." She sniffs and sits down to eat. "They loved my cooking."

I nod and rub her knee under the table. Not in a flirting way. Just in a way  to let her know I understand.

"Is that why you were crying when you were cooking tonight's meal? Is it hard for you to cook because you think of your family?" Jonah asks genuinely. I thought I was the only one who noticed a few tears from Julia. She happily cooked but there were a few moments I could tell her emotions got the best of her. It must be so hard living with those memories.

Julia shrugs and looks down at her food.

"Jule...is that why you have a hard time eating??" Nate puts the pieces together and it makes sense.

"It reminds me of what I once had that I no longer have." She pushes her plate aside. "God, towards the end I was only making meals for Danny. I had no idea what was going on with Luke. He was always... working late. He wasn't working at all." 

"Sorry." Julia snaps out of her trance and quickly leaves the kitchen and makes her way upstairs. Maggie doesn't follow her though, surprisingly. Maggie stays right by my side. I'm that much of a mess today huh, Mags? You're choosing me over Julia as my therapy dog.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea." Casey continues the conversation.

"Now that you mention it... I don't think I've ever had a homecooked meal from Julia." Nate thinks back and comes up with nothing. "At the hotel she didn't have access to full kitchen so I didn't think much of it. And at my place...Trisha is the one who takes over the kitchen."

"What? I like to cook." Trisha chimes in.

"I wonder what made her want to cook tonight? It's actually really good, too."

I ignore everyone and grab both my plate and Julia's. Trisha gets the hint and gives me a little nod, seeing me struggle. She puts the utensils on the plates for me and I walk upstairs with dinner.

I walk into my room with our plates and put them on my bed, where Julia is sitting.

"Julia..."

"James."

I sit down and rub Julia's back. Then my quick wit kicks in.

"I have to admit, I don't think I've ever eaten pork chops in my bed before." I look down at my food and begin to eat, hearing Julia laugh now. "You know... I've had whipped cream, and chocolate sauce, strawberries..."

All are true. I smile thinking about the times-

"I'm sure you have." Julia interrupts my thought. I shrug and we eat. Together. I watch Julia eat before I take another bite, then give her a nod of approval.

"We should try it sometime." I wink at her

"I'm trying to do right by Nate. For once."

"It won't last..."

"Why do you say that??" Julia looks up at me.

"Because I'm so damn irresistible." I flash a smile and Julia drops her head and inhales sharply. But I catch her little smile, and she eats her entire dinner with me.

Then...

Things take a turn. Not a good turn.

*****

*Trisha*

"I had no idea." Nate helps me clear off the table from dinner while Jonah and Casey start washing the dishes. My next purchase will for sure be buying a dishwasher for James.

"That girl has a lot of baggage." I shrug.

"Trisha, stop." Nate scolds. "You can be so judgmental. Especially towards Julia."

James comes down with two empty plates.

"She DID end up eating." He begins. "But had... had a little shut down moment remembering shit with her husband."

"EX Husband." Nate corrects him.

"EX. Anyways. She cried. A lot. Now she's sleeping." James frowns. Julia cried herself to sleep thinking about the affair.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't have made the joke had I known it was a trigger." Casey turns her head to look at James while she washes the dishes.

"Shit, we're back to THAT again? I had no idea either." Nate says and I just look at Paul and say nothing.

"You know, Julia hears a lot. She may keep it to herself, but she hears stuff and it tears her down." James looks at Casey and everyone in the room shares the same confused expression.

"Earlier. You and Jonah. Your window was open while Julia was outside on the balcony."

"Shit." Jonah replies.

"What? Jonah what were you guys talking about?" Nate cocks a brow and we all look over at Jonah. Jonah glances over at Casey and drops his shoulders.

"We were talking about tour. How we both were excited to go but how it might not be a possibility for Casey if Julia stays behind. I said I didn't think Julia was mentally stable. And how it would be a lot of work."

"Oh no. She heard us?? I said she's never going to be mentally stable. Oh God." Casey's eyes widen and she puts her hand to her mouth. "I said, 'look at that Eric guy, didn't he commit suicide from having the same diagnosis as Julia?'"

"Jesus Christ guys, really? Are we in fucking middle school? How the hell do you think that would make ANYONE feel?" Nate bursts.

"It made Julia cry is what it did. Her feelings were hurt." James says as he kneels down to pet his dog. "She's sensitive. You all know that. And she is dealing with a lot. She's already picking her life apart and comparing herself to that Eric Furgeson guy. Hearing other people do the same doesn't help her."

"We need to go apologize to her, Jonah!" Casey is a mini Julia and starting to get emotional. "I never meant to hurt her. We were just talking."

"Tomorrow. She's sleeping now." James reminds everyone. "Want me to wake her so you can bring her home, Nate?"

"No." Nate responds, catching me by surprise.

"No??" I glare at him.

"No. Let her sleep. Which one of you volunteered to stay with Gallo tonight?" 

"I said I would since it was Casey here for so long. I'll sleep on the pullout couch." Jonah responds.

"Ok good. Just.... just make sure she's ok when she wakes up, if she's not, call me. And you-" Nate points to James. "No funny business. Keep your dick in your pants or call Lindsay. Stay away." He warns and kneels down to pet Maggie before we head out. I laugh at that a little and we finish cleaning up James's house. Casey is put off now and extra quiet. I mean, the things she said are true, but I get how it would hurt Julia's feelings. That girl is sensitive. She'd be the type to cry at fucking Christmas commercials advertising Folgers coffee.

Both me and Paul remain silent as Paul drives us home. Casey and Nate are deep in conversation talking in the back but we really can't hear them much.

"Today was intense." I whisper out to Paul. He's a bodyguard with bodyguard trained ears . He hears everything. He heard me and nods.

"Sure was."

"You know they are gonna end up doing it. Nate's an idiot." I laugh a little under my breath and Paul smirks. He knows.  He knows James and now he knows Julia well enough.

"Must be nice."

"What?"

"Having no strings attached." Paul raises an eyebrow at me. Is he hinting he wants to fool around tonight? AT Nate's place?? With people home? This is something I'm only used to doing with Nate. And even that, it's few and far between for the most part.

God, I could really go for some Paul Action though. He feels good. REAL good. And as much as we both know we are kinda boring together outside the bedroom, we will always feel something between us. He took care of me during my hardest time. He took are of me in all the ways. And I'd do the same for him. Maybe we COULD do this with no strings attached and no hurt feelings. 

"You're overthinking, Banks." Paul says with his eyes still on the road.

"Actually." I speak up so the whole SUV can hear and all the color drains from Paul's face, not knowing what I'm about to say. "Nate...If it's ok, can we drop you guys off at home? I want to run to my apartment and grab more clothes, check the mail, water my plants and shit."

Paul exhales sharply and smirks while his eyes are on the road.

"You have plants??" Nate raises an eyebrow. He knows I can't keep a plant alive for the life of me. I say nothing but can't quite hold on my own smirk while looking out my window. "Yeah, sure. Trish. Whatever you need."

"He said whatever I need." I whisper to myself and Paul and all the color now rises up Paul's neck to his cheeks. God these games are fun.

We drop Nate and Casey off and then head to my house. I rest my hand on Paul's thigh while we talk, and he drives, making him tense up. I'm not even doing anything and he's already tensing up.

"But we're just fooling around, right?" I clarify. I don't need any weird love triangles like what Nate has going on and Paul doesn't either. Better to lay it all out in the open beforehand.

"Strictly fooling around. We're boring together, Banks. Remember?" Paul pulls into my apartment complex and his eyes fall to my lips..... making me think of James. 

I wonder what it's like to be with James. Like, really be with James. I know he's "Blessed". That much I remember from the time I took care of him. After Donovan raped Julia. I got him ready one morning and helped him in the bathroom.  He couldn't do much. 

It was hard to miss.

"Yeah. We are pretty boring outside of the bedroom, aren't we Paulie?" I chuckle but also know, aside from Nate.... I felt sparks with Paul in the bedroom. There's no denying that. But I also felt sparks with James. When we kissed for the first time. 

The night before the car accident.

"Earth to Banks." Paul is holding my door open waiting for me to exit the car. I completely zoned out.

"Sorry." I apologize and watch Paul do his thing. He makes sure the house is safe before letting me walk in. The second that door is locked we are at it like animals. Desperate to feel something, knowing this is purely sex, no strings attached. And Paul is good. He's real good. 

Yet I'm for some reason thinking about James. Awful right? As  we kiss our way to my bed and crash down on each other, I think of that first kiss with James. How he fell asleep on Nate's couch. His head on my lap while I played with his hair. The feeling when I kissed the corner of his mouth and he puckered his lips while still sleeping. Something he did with Julia later on while in a coma. As Paul sits up and pushes me down on his lap I think about how James did that same thing, pulling me up on to his lap. How I could feel him through my thin leggings. God, I could feel him. We got carried away so fast but had to end it just as quickly because James had to go to work.

But I felt it. That shockwave I feel for Paul right now as he thrusts into me viciously, needing his release, knowing we are short on time before Nate questions what took me so long. I come undone under Paul and it feels amazing. But my mind plays tricks on me. If Paul is this phenomenal in bed, I wonder what James-

"Oh God!" I burst and orgasm again right after just having one, rounding my back into Paul, scratching my nails down his shoulders which makes him go faster. "Fuck!" I gasp.

Paul buries his head in the crook of my neck, like every man seems to do in this position when they are getting close to losing control. He hits the spot I need over and over again, and I grasp on to his muscles. But in my head... As bad as it sounds.... I'm thinking about James. His muscles. That tattooed back. His lips on my neck. His scent. His-

"Shit. Oh..." My ab muscles tighten, and I surprisingly hit my final orgasm, wiping me out right as Paul slams into me one last time before letting go, letting out a low groan of his own before crashing down on my body.

"Holy shit, Trish."  Paul groans against my neck.

"I know."

I know. I know I'm in deep- wanting James Gallo. Once again.

*****

*James*

 We don't fool around. Me and Julia. She didn't sleep much last night. Woke up from a night terror thanks to her PTSD dreams. She didn't want to talk about it but I know it was Luke related thanks to dinner the night before. Julia may never want to cook a full mean again now. She still needs so much healing.

While she's in the shower, Nate decides to have a serious conversation with me. It wasn't planned. It just happened. 

But I think he also needs to hear what I have to say as well.

"I think you need to see past all the imperfections and look at Julia for who she is, not what she is, Nate."

I watch Nate throw the ball to Maggie who chases after it over and over again in the backyard.

"Everyone looks at her as the woman with a mental illness. Just like they now look at me as the man with a disability." I stare ahead while rambling on.

"Everyone needs to look past the ashes and smoke and see Julia as a human. With feelings. Not just someone's project or someone's problem to fix. She hears a lot more than she lets on."

"Ashes and smoke, eh? Sounds like a song in the making. You've been hanging around Moretti too long." Nate laughs a little.

"You look much better than you did two weeks ago." I notice Nate's hands barely shake anymore from his detox.

"Yeah, I feel much better." 

"You know I'm always gonna love her." I boldly announce and look right at Nate's eyes while saying it.  

"I know." 

"I'm always gonna fight for her."

"I know." Nate sighs. "Your heart will be beating many more years than mine can, Gallo. You'll have her all to yourself soon enough." He swallows hard and  I suddenly feel uneasy. What is he saying right now?

"What do you mean? Nate, what are you talking about?" I furrow my brows.

"Nothing. Never mind." He stands up. "Forget I said anything, Gallo." He ends the conversation and walks back into my house, leaving me at a loss for words. Nate has had a lot more doctor appointments recently, that much I'm aware of, but I just assumed it was required before his tour.

Something's wrong. 

Something's wrong and Nate is worried. 

Something's wrong and Nate is worried and keeping it from everyone else.

Something really wrong.