I was sick, yeah...Sick from worry, sick from anxiety, and sick from love. Torn between the love I feel for Levi, and now also from the blooming and constant growing affection, I feel for Erwin.

I still refuse to call it "love", since I can't believe that it's so easy, or possible, to love two persons like this. It must be a crush, a stupid teenage crush that will go by with the time, but then....why on earth does my heart beat so much faster and harder whenever I meet with Erwin? The foresight of the coming Wednesday, where I will train with him again, fills me with such anticipation that I can barely control myself.

Every part of me wants to be near to him, touch him, hold him...kiss him. I even started to fantasize about having sex with him. More than once. I tried to imagine how he would feel like, how it would be to have him on top of me, while deeply sheathed inside of me. How big or long might he be?

How would it be to run my fingers through his soft, blond hair while we're doing it? Whisper sweet words into his ear while I receive his honest and beautiful compliments in return. Would I feel good to him? Would he be rough or soft and passionate? What would I give to have this big, tightly muscled stud all over and inside me, strong arms holding me tight, close to him, or holding my hands above my head while hammering into me with such great force that I cry from pleasure?

My fantasies were endless, yet, I would never know for sure how reality would look like. I don't even know that, if Levi breaks up with me, Erwin is willing to take his place to be my boyfriend then. I don't want to think about this, to be honest. It would ruin their friendship forever, and it would ruin me, knowing that I am the one responsible for it.

Once more I had to remind me that there's nothing I could do right now. Just waiting and enduring. Everything will become clear by the end of this week...

After we finished eating, Levi collected the dishes and put them into the sink for later before he took his place in front of me again. With his special grip on his cup, fingers draped around the edge of the cup to hold it to his mouth like this, totally ignoring the handle, we spend another 10 minutes with talking, about my work, his work, what happened with that shithead that dared to touch him, and what might possibly happen now that he'd left his client earlier, and probably without his knowing. Until now, Levi hadn't gotten any messages or calls, but he was sure they will come.

I had to hurry with my tea since time was running out. Gulping down the tiny bit that's left, I put the cup into the sink, finally in my mode for doing my fucking job, and not worrying or fearing about the future.

In the hall, I reached for my winter coat and put it on, but when I turned around, Levi was already behind me, holding up a little bag.

"I also made some lunch for you. I suppose we won't see until evening, so...take care, and have fun, baby."

Levi knows how to make my heart ache, and I took a lot of self-control not to start crying at this early hour. I took the bag from his hand and put it aside first, so I can enjoy one last close moment with the man I love. I wrapped my arms around his back and rested my head on his shoulder, face turned to the side to kiss his strong neck and his cheek.

"Thank you, Levi. I'm so happy to have you here. Can't wait to be home again later." I murmured, placing another kiss against his temple before I nestled into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent deep into my lungs.

His arms kept me close to him, holding me tight as one hand stroked over my back until it stilled on my head, fingers softly and carefully fondling through my hair. It was so soothing, I would give anything to stay like this forever.

"Tsk, no need to thank me, brat. It's only natural that I want my girl to feel good, to make sure she eats something decent and that she feels loved and appreciated." Even if I couldnt see his face, I knew that he was smiling. There was this tone in his voice that was unmistakably for a smile. Without noticing it, minutes passed, no one daring to make the first move to let go, but Levi broke the silence first, and what he said, made my heart ache even more than it already does.

"You know...you can tell me everything. If there's anything that bothers you, or that's loading your mind, don't hold back to tell me. I promise I will do what I can to help you." He continued to stroke my back above the coat. I would've never thought of myself to be capable of holding my tears back for so long and so hard.

Instead, my hands turned into fists, clenching his shirt in them and I let out a long and harsh breath through my nose.

"I know, but you can't help me here. It's something I loaded upon myself on my own, so I feel it's my responsibility to deal with it on my own. Don't worry, darling. I'm sure it will be over soon."

"You sure? Maybe if you would try and let me help you-"

"No, Levi. Please let me handle this. But...whatever might happen, be sure that I do, and always will love you. More than anything, more than you'll ever know." Levi knows that something's not right, that I act strange and different for a while, but if I tell him now, it will ruin my entire week with him, and probably the rest of my life and job.

"I know, baby. I know that you love me, and I love you too. Always be sure of that." He kissed into my hair and squeezed me a little before he finally parted from me, holding onto my shoulders for a little more. "I hope you know what you're doing, but let me repeat: You can always count on me, no matter what." With a nod from me and a deep inhale, I took my final motivation to head out for work.

"I see you later, darling. Don't get bored without me." I joked. A try to ease up the tension inside here, that was so thick by now, you could slice it with a knife.

"I won't. There's enough to do for me. See you later, brat" A short, but loving kiss was the only thing that kept me from bursting into tears. It helped me to feel the love, to memorize what's important and to savor what's between us, lighting up a beacon of hope that there might be a chance that we can make it out of this misery, that we can continue and overcome all this. I needed that kiss...Hope is all I need right now. Hope, and his love.

So I took my keys and bag and left.

The hours went by very slowly. I counted almost every second until I would be home again, to be there where I belong and where I wanted to be the most: In Levi's arms.

Minutes turned out to become hours when I looked at the time in the corner of my monitor almost every minute until I reached a point where I took the desperate step to stick a post-it note above the time, so I won't see it anymore.

Lunch was way too short as well. While eating the delicious and generously layered sandwich Levi had made for me, slurping tea from my thermos, I chatted with Levi over WhatsApp, asking what he's doing without me, and he simply replied 'Cleaning'.

No matter how much I asked or hooked after, he won't come out with more information. I knew that I'm not that perfect in keeping things clean to Levi's standards, but I won't say that I'm messy either. So I wondered what he found so dirty that's worth it to be cleaned that thoroughly.

When I concluded that its useless to lure anything out of him, I said goodbye to end my meal, but instead, as soon as I wanted to store my phone back into my bag, another buzz with an incoming call interrupted me.

Taking it out to see who it is, I saw 'Commander Eyebrows' written on the screen.

That alone was enough to make my heart ache and flutter at the same time, thousands of butterflies erupted in my stomach in pure excitement and joy, my fingers eager to accept the call and ignoring the alarm inside my head that tried to reason me.

With a swipe across the screen, the call was accepted.

"Hey, Erwin. I didn't expect you to call me at work. Is something wrong?"

"Hello sweetie. No...nothing's wrong. It's just..." He paused, and I heard him taking a deep breath through the phone

"I wanted to hear your voice. I missed it. I missed you. Since you canceled our last training I haven't heard anything from you, and there I thought...."

I was so happy that Levi was back earlier, that I forgot about Erwin. I felt bad for ignoring him, for making him worry. Maybe it was a protecting reflex that made me back up instinctively, to stay away since Levi was finally back, but to hear him now, to witness his worry...

"I'm sorry, Erwin. I didn't want to cause you trouble. I just...have a lot on my mind right now. I'm sure you can imagine..."

"I understand, my dear. I do, but please, try not to think about it too much. You will only become sick if you let that get to you. The last thing I want is you becoming ill from too much stress. Trust me, I already have some ideas about how to deal with this and with Levi once he'll be back. You trust me, do you?"

"M-hm. I do...but still...I can't turn off my mind. Whenever I have a quiet moment, I imagine all these horrible scenarios about what might happen, how he might react, and what might happen to me...I'm...I'm so scared, Erwin." I sniffed, rubbing my eyes to hold back the string of tears that threatened to turn into a flood at any moment.

"Don't cry now, lovely. I can't imagine what you might go through right now, but what I know is that I understand you.

Don't be scared. I know it's easier said than done, but at least try it. And always be sure of one important thing..."

"And that would be?" I asked bitterly, a stray pearl of saltiness escaping the corner of my eye, but wiped away before it could drop down.

"I love you. That I will always be there for you. No matter what happens after this Friday, I will be there. To hold you, support you, and give you everything in my might to make sure that you can laugh again. If Levi should be that dense to let you go, you don't have to be afraid to be alone. Never..."

I sniffed again, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a harsh hiss as I replayed what Erwin just said. In other words: Erwin had already thought of taking over Levi's place by my side as my boyfriend if it comes to the bad end, and I don't know how to feel about this. Happy for the fact that I would have someone by my side to help me through this hard time, or sad that Erwin was so sure about this that he's even thinking about it.

Before Sadness would take over my overworked mind, what would probably end up with giving stupid answers to earn pity, I decided to keep it short and simple.

"Thank you, Erwin. I appreciate your help. Do you mind if we....cut it off here? You caught me by the end of my lunch break and I-"

"No, no. It's okay. No need to apologize. We see on Wednesday anyway, so we can talk about it in peace. I guess...I see you then, okay?"

"Yeah. See you on Wednesday, Mr. Tall and Handsome." I heard him laughing from the other side, a sound that put me at ease and made me smile as well.

"I never get tired of this nickname. Take care, honey, and...see you soon. Love you." I heard him making a kissing sound through the phone and I almost cringed from this sappy and way too sweet act. He can be such an overromantic freak...but otherwise, he won't be Erwin.

"You too, Uhm...Bye." When I ended the call, I felt grief and guilt washing over me. Erwin is still acting all nice and loving with me, he confessed his love to me, he even is trying to make it work that Levi and I will stay together, and I can't even bring out simple words of affection.

I don't know how to act anymore around him. It's all one huge mess. While he always makes sure that I know that he loves me, I haven't said the same in return even once. It feels wrong to me; to say 'I love you' to another man but Levi, but on the other hand, saying absolutely nothing that expresses my gratitude to him, my feelings...is also wrong.

I've always sucked in talking about my emotions, and Erwin is now the one who's to suffer from my inability.

I sighed loudly into the emptiness of the office, that I luckily have for myself today. My co-worker became sick so I have the luxury of brooding unnoticed. I massaged my temples and sighed again. I have a long day and an even longer week ahead of me. The best I can do until my Doom-Day will be to follow Erwin's advice by not trying to think about everything too much, as hard as it is.

I packed away my lunch bag and ended my break. Some work will hopefully distract me...

***

Living together with Levi was surprisingly very relaxing and easy-going. Of course, it is...otherwise, Erwin would've moved out ages ago.

The first evening when I came home from work was a big surprise for me. It seems Levi was still feeling bad for biting me back then, so I was first greeted by a salivating smell in the air as I unlocked my door. I found Levi in the kitchen, preparing the dinner for us, and after a greeting kiss, he showed me what he'd prepared. A nice and romantic candlelight dinner. I almost melted on the spot as I put both hands above my heart with a feening 'awwww'.

Furthermore, I noticed that he must've spent the whole day cleaning my home spotless. The biting smell of lemon detergent was still there.

As for my bite mark: It didn't hurt that much anymore, but it will take a while until its fully healed, but not even after I repeatedly told him that it's okay, he revealed that there's more to come after dinner. I wasn't disappointed...

Levi closed the curtains, lit up some candles and before I could take in the nice, cozy environment, one garment after another left our bodies, and the first thing that waited for me was a warm bath and massage for my feet, what turned into a full body massage on the couch, and it didn't take long for Levi to dip his fingers between my legs, testing the waters. It was so easy for Levi to excite me...almost too easy, but I didn't complain. The massaging was soon forgotten, a slow, sensual lovemaking session took its place instead. Levi had draped soft blankets and pillows all over it and even pulled out the hidden lying area for surprise sleep-over guests. A very big and soft playground for us to revel in each other's company. Soft words were spoken, no place on our bodies was left untouched, new sexual positions were tried out, and I found a new one to add to my favorites: The Lotus flower position.

While I was comfortably sitting in Levi's lap, my arms laced around his neck with his thick, hard manhood deeply embedded inside of me, I had my legs around his waist, his hands around my back and arse to dictate the pace as I rode him. We were so close to each other, our chests touching, rubbing, our hands eager to fill themselves with every inch of skin reachable. While he massaged my arse and breasts, I raked my fingers along his back, moaning his name into his neck as I kept rolling my hips up and down his shaft.

This night, we both were guaranteed to feel the sea of tenderness and sexuality. We looked deeply into each other's eyes, breathing our fast and ragged pants against and into our mouths, kissing passionately, feeling the desire and passion in a new way. This position made me look at sex from a whole new side.

It was just a shame that this night had to end at some point, but not after Levi made me cum at least 2 times. After 3 amazing, sweaty hours, we didn't bother to shower or to move to the bed. With all the blankets and pillows and the curtains pulled close to keep everyone and everything out from our world, we spent the night on the couch, cuddled up in each other's arms, and later that night, spooning. This time, I was the big spoon for Levi, embracing him from behind, forehead resting against his back and each one of our legs intertwined. I sensed that Levi was awake at that moment, but he made no effort to move or to change position. So we stayed like this.

Before I knew it, half of the week was already over and after my usual short working hours each Wednesday, I first drove home, where Levi greeted me again with a warm self-made lunch before I would head for my training with Erwin.

He still has no idea that Levi is already back, and I enjoyed my alone time with him, but the more days passed, the more frustrated and worried I became until I reached a point where I felt like throwing up.

And when I headed off to the gym, my heart began to race faster and faster the closer I got to my destination.

I was a little early when I arrived, but I compensated the extra time by taking extra long for changing outfits and warming up on the treadmill.

I forgot about the time so much while jogging lazily, that I didn't notice that I was called by my name. Nor did I notice when a familiar, tall and blond man walked up from behind, until...