While I was deep in another phase of my frowning, I overheard Mikasa and Sasha asking me if I want to join them for a drink.

"Huh? What?" I asked, totally confused when I was shaken up from my thoughts.

"Man girl! Pull your shit together! We asked if you want to come along for a drink. Say yeah or nah." Ymir grumbled harshly, rolling her eyes with folded arms.

"Oi, Ymir! Don't be so mean! Nina has a lot on her mind and is surely still tired and worn-out from the thing that'd happened. Be nice!" Christa exhorted to her lover by pushing her shoulder a little.

"Aww, don't be mad. I'll do anything for my sweet angel." The very sudden change of mood from Ymir was very odd to watch. From sassy to obedient in the blink of an eye. By now, I was sure who's the boss in this relationship.

I thought for a moment about the offer, looking at the clock on my phone. Actually, it wasn't late enough for me to start drinking, but tough times call for tough measures.

"Alright. I'm in. Where to go?" Maybe a good drink or two in the comforting round of my friends will help a little more to keep me distracted.

"The usual! The "Hole in the wall", where we hold our regular night-outs." Sasha explained, and with that, everyone in the group raised his fist in the air, together with a loud "Yeah!", as if a big victory was achieved.

So much joy...how did I ever make it this far in my life without them? I suddenly felt so fortunate to be able to call these guys my friends, that I forgot my sorrows for a moment as I decided to enjoy my life for a while.

We arrived at the bar a little later, the tables and dance floor already crowded with dozens of dancing and celebrating people. Its been a while when I was here for the last time.

The owner of this place recognized our group and waved us through to our regular table. The first time here without the big guys, which were Hanji, Moblit, Mike, Erwin, and Mike. Just the youngsters and me. A nice change.

When the first round of drinks was ordered, I asked around why it's been so long when our last night-out was held. I found it strange and uncommon since it was said that there was at least one meeting a month, but Mikasa explained that Hanji was mostly the driving power behind every night, and now that she's in Japan for another 4 months, it's only normal that this will move into the background a little. The other guys are too busy or too lazy to arrange them, which was a good point. I never saw Erwin bothering with calling every single friend to tell them the day and time to meet. Levi was off the table since he has a natural aversion against phones. They're just for emergencies, and not for calling or fooling around as you please, so was his explanation.

I was just happy that he makes an exception for me, at least. The last call with him has been a while, but he wrote to me almost every day and night. Mostly about how shitty it is over there and that he can't wait to be back with me again.

This little texts always brightened up my mood and made me fall for him even more. They might not be special, but they meant the world to me because I knew he was skipping his own shadow to make sure I was seeing and hearing that he thinks of me all the time. And again, I hope that this love, our love, will be strong enough to handle this misery I'm in right now.

~Be patient, girl. Patience is the magic word...~

Very later that night, we all claimed the dance floor as our property. We ordered one drink after another, we females mostly sweet and fruity cocktails, while the manly side, including Ymir, either had their beers or vodka-energy. The later it got, the more we all loosened up and the more I could let go of all that's bothering me, for four amazing hours. Close to curfew, the security practically had to kick us out, since we refused to leave. The DJ was incredible and the drinks too, why leaving then? But we always forget that this is no regular night club where you can party all night. It's just a nice lounge bar with a big dance floor and a good selection of drinks. Unfortunately. So we bit the bullet and followed the more or less friendly security guard and left the bar at 1 am in the night.

Just the moment when we said goodbye and set the first step outside, the hard reality hit us mercilessly with a fucking hammer. Like walking on jelly, we all parted with wobbly legs, walking in snake-lines either to the next bus stop or calling for a cab. The latter was meant for me. No chance I'm going to take the bus in my state. The last time I left this place drunken was when Hanji filled me up with vodka, and it ended with me sleeping on Levis and Erwin's couch for the very first time. This one fateful night changed my life forever.

I still have to thank Hanji for it...

My eye bags are probably now twice as big as before, but this time, I don't mind. I had the fun of my life, in a club, for the very first time. I never was the type for partying until the next morning comes, but now I was sure that I never had the right friends for this shit, but I'm not so eager to repeat this so soon either.

The ride back to my own home, felt like an eternity, pending between sleep and awake. The driver tried more than once to start a conversation, but I kept my replies to a short and low hum or a quick "Yup", anything to make this nuisance shit up. I just told him the place to drop me, and that's it.

When I was rewarded with the sweet scent and welcoming blessing of my own home after I entered, I felt the heavy hammer from before hitting me once again. Not bothering to wash my face or hair, I stripped from my clothes and left them in a line on my way to bed, where I just dropped on the mattress, rolled up in a human burrito and fell asleep almost on the spot.

Thanks to my old friend alcohol, I slept like a baby, my body not annoying me with a full bladder or spinning head when my eyes opened the next day. It was a peaceful night, no disturbing thoughts, no worries.

I should repeat such random nights with my friends more often. It seems to help against a heavy mind and heart.

Rising into sitting, I looked around. My own home, my bedroom, even my bed, it all suddenly felt so strange to me. As if I don't belong here anymore and as if this is only some kind of hotel where I meant to stay for vacation, but the reality is, this is the place I choose to live a few years ago, before all the things with Mikasa, Levi and Erwin happened.

My former life couldn't be more different from my current one, but even with all the stress I'm going through now, I wouldn't want to change a thing.

Sure, it's hard, it's tugging on my heart and soul like an annoying toddler who wants attention from his mom, but without it, without Levi, even without Erwin, it all would be far worse. That's why I have to hold on and believe that everything will be alright again, that Erwin knows what he's doing when he confronts Levi. Even the smallest spark of hope is enough for me to keep believing that everything will be a fine again. That's just how I am, I can't help it. I was always the type of person who believes in a happy ending for everyone, that the villains got their ass spanked and that the Prince gets the Princess' hand in the end. Cheesy...but everyone needs something to believe in.

Today is Sunday. This means it's my very last day where I have only time for myself before real life will get me. So I'm going to make the best out of it, come what may! I won't allow any worries to ruin this lazy day. For no money on earth.

There's nothing I can do now anyway.

I stretched my arms and legs, groaning loudly as the satisfying feeling of my tense muscles loosening up goes deep into my bones, making them pop at some parts. I take my phone from my nightstand, only to find 7 missed calls and 3 received messages. Guess from who they came.....

Right. Erwin.

That man worries way too much. Must be some kind of old habit from his time as a commander. I guess you never really stop to be a leader for hundreds of soldiers. Not when you're the responsible one for their survival.

His caring and protective behavior is rather cute, to be honest. I always wanted this kind of attention and care from a man. It makes me feel really special and valuable. That I'm not replaceable and that this man, Erwin, will do anything in his power to make sure I will stay. Then I better don't keep him waiting for longer. I don't want him to become a heart attack.

Smirking to myself, I opened the messenger and typed a reply. Of course, he always asked how I feel, if everything is alright and where I am. Between each message were at least two missed calls. Normally, I would reply in a matter of minutes. That I couldn't stick to my habit like I used to cause him to worry, and I want to let him know I'm alright.

Me: Hey, Mr. Tall, and Handsome. I see you were keeping you entertained with messaging the shit out of your phone. Calm your muscled tits, Erwin. I'm alright <3

Commander Handsome: Thank goodness you're finally replying! What was wrong? Where were you? I was worried sick that something bad had happened.

Me: As I said: Calm your toned tits, Erwin :) I was out with Mikasa and the others the whole day. We had a coffee and cake, went shopping and later, we had a few drinks in our regular bar. It....became late.

Commander Handsome: I see. Well, at least I know now why you didn't write back. I'm glad that you had a nice day, hon. Was it successful? The distraction, I mean.

The little hon at the end gave me a little tug on my heart and made it beat a little faster. Such a small gesture, but what a great impact it has on me.

Me: It was a total success, blondie :) Spent the whole day with my friends without worrying about anything at all.

Commander Handsome: I'm sorry, hon. For putting such a burden on you. I hope you know that I mean you no harm. I love you...I would never do such cruel things to you on purpose...

Me: Oh please stop! You make me blush even harder. But joke aside...I know. How could I not know? You always made sure I was safe and well. I'm sure whatever will happen, you will find a way to make this happen.

Commander Handsome: Thank you, darling. I appreciate that you can still trust me. And I'm glad that you believe in me like this. Not everyone would do this in such a case.

Me: Aw come on. You're a commander. Act like one ;) I'm sure you hadn't this position for nothing.

Commander Handsome: You're right dear. Guess I let my old habits slack very bad. I promise to improve in the future. Satisfied? ;)

Me: Yes! Very. :-*

Commander Handsome: Good. And besides: I wouldn't mind making you blush even more in the future ;) I like that pink-tinted face of yours <3

Me: You should first focus on Levi before you can think that far ahead, darlin'. You know how I feel for you, and that has to be enough for now. As much as I would love it to be different. Until Levi returns, I will stay your loyal friend. Okay?

Commander Handsome: Yeah...sorry. I got carried away. You're right, of course. But....do you plan to come over from time to time? For a visit?

Me: Do I look as If I can stay away from that penthouse of yours for longer than a few days? ;) Besides...Levi told me to keep it clean. ;)

Commander Handsome: Right...I remember. Anyways...I'm looking forward to your next visit, hon. Can't wait! I assume you want to chill out today?

Me: You assume very right here, commander handsome <3

Commander Handsome: Okay then, take care and have fun. It was nice to hear from you. See you on Wednesday and have fun at work tomorrow <3 Bye darling

Me: Bye Erwin <3 Take care

Damn...this was the longest conversation I've ever had with Erwin over messenger. No regrets, though.

To write with him feels so natural as if I don't have to justify myself to him, to anyone. It feels right, and good, like being myself for who I truly am. I don't want this to end, but I have to stop with my fawning over his sweet words and focus on tomorrow, the next week.

I need a clear head. And what could be better for sorting out bad thoughts than a new video game?

With a final deep breath, I threw my blanket back and jumped out of my bed. As I pulled the curtains back, I found a nice and welcoming day outside to greet me. It was a golden day in November. The sun shining from a clear blue sky, a chilly, but the very fresh and crisp wind outside that brought the scent of frost.

Today is going to be the perfect day for doing absolutely nothing!

I raided my closet for my perfect outfit and found exactly what I was looking for: fluffy leggings in pink and white, with a cute cat head on each knee where the colors grade into each other. As if this wasn't already enough fluffy cuteness, I choose a pair of warmly fed bunny socks. With ears and a little snout!

Last but not least, my favorite sweater for lounging and for days where I'm sure that no one will come to disturb me: a ridiculously oversized pullover, fed with warm and soft fleece, as if thousands of small feathers would caress my skin with each move.

Armed with my outfit of choice under my arm, the first move for today was to get clean. The shower wasn't enough for me today. For the first time in a long period, I ran myself a hot bath, adding a good amount of lavender bathing salt. The time the water needed to fill the tub was used wisely to brush my teeth, and the time flew by like nothing when I was done, so I could finally settle into the warm water.

It was as if I was embraced by god himself. The warm embrace only a higher being can grant you when you decide to let go and surrender your whole being to the spirits. The warmth around me, the silence, the few birds chirping from outside as I had opened the window, and the sweet scent of lavender that filled my nose and lungs with its calming fragrance. Without noticing it, I moaned loudly from relief and relaxation as I sunk deeper into the water, only my knees and head peeking out as I inhaled deeply through my nose over and over again.

I haven't experienced such calmness for a long time. With closed eyes, I laid there in the warm water for over 15 minutes, doing nothing but to breathe and listen to the bird's soft chirping and the few passing cars from the close-by main street.

When I threatened to drown from an approaching spare-time nap, I jolted awake again. That was when I thought its time for getting ready. Dipping underwater to soak my hair, I hastily washed it with my favorite shampoo, even adding conditioner after that before I took care of my body.

I imagined how it would be to share a bath with Levi one day. The tub in the penthouse is big enough for three people.

Or...maybe how it would be to even bath with Erwin. I've only seen him half-naked two times, at the water park, and in his bed on his birthday. Damn...even just remembering the view is doing weird things to me.

I would never get tired of it. How his calloused, slightly scarred skin moves and flexes above his thick and chiseled muscles.

This broad, strong chest without a tiny hint of hair, bare and soft like a baby's butt, those pair of thick arms that could crush me with ease, but are still capable of so much gentleness, its ridiculous. An eight-pack so detailed and hard, you could play xylophone on it. And how on earth could I ever stop to stare at this outstanding and sharp v-line, that so seductively points down to his manly package between his thighs.

What would I give to see this god-made gift in all its glory...

When I ran with my hands over my body, the parts that were normally only meant for Levi, I tried to imagine how Erwins hands would feel on me.

When these big and soft hands would run over my belly, along my sides, between the valley of my breasts, only to claim these two mountains as their own, gently grabbing it, running the thumb over the perky nipples before carefully pinching and rolling them between his digits.

I snapped back from my fantasies when a sudden picture of Levi shot into my mind, how he was towering above me, those ashen grey orbs staring into mine with that intense gaze which tells me that a storm of lust is about to rise.

When I realized what I'm doing here, imagining me with another man but Levi, it became clearer with each moment that I fell for Erwin. Very, very hard.

It scares me to no end. How can I hold feelings for both men? While I imagine being with Erwin, I also can't forget about Levi the whole time, wishing he was there, maybe hidden, watching silently before he gets his turn.

It was thrilling to imagine this, but reality looks different. Levi hates to share. Especially me.

He said so many times he will make sure no other man lays a hand on me, that he will make sure he's the only one who ever lays his hands on me.

Once again, I trapped myself in disturbing thoughts that worry me on my last day off. I need to stop with my girlish fantasies until Levi is back. I can't betray him like this. Not even in my mind. I have to be careful and cautious, or I might find myself in a situation where I cant go back. Never.