I always thought anger was my friend. The one who knocked on my door when I slammed it shut after my parents yelled at me. The friend that embraced me just before I melted into a painful sob. The mate that made me throw things when I was helpless and couldn't do anything about it. The pal who asked all the "whys" when life got messy. But there was another friend. And that friend, believe me when I say I didn't see coming. I mean that quite literally. I never heard it come. I never felt it like I felt the anger shake my legs or like I felt my forehead burning when I felt the rage too much. But that's the trick. You never really feel it unless you see it. And I may have never heard or felt it but I did see it. I saw it come out of the heart it was hiding in and sit next to me when he came home that night. It was like suddenly all the songs I heard to empower myself and all the hard work I put in myself when the one I loved crushed me, got crushed the moment I saw his replacement. It felt like harmless fun, nothing more. But I forgot my friend loneliness was with me. It was always there. Watching me and waiting for the perfect time to make me believe things that weren't real. It followed me everywhere. It only ever came out of its hiding when my heart broke. I've been finding ways to fix it ever since. Because it will always trick me into thinking that a person is the one when he isn't. It still does. Even after all this time. So who did I really love? Or did I even love? Was it just a lie to get over being lonely? I'll never know. I'll always question it. So will I the next person who wants to take up my time and make me feel. I would love to go easy and just live in the moment but the urge to question it will always be there. And I can't blame it. It doesn't have a place to live in anymore. The heart is somewhere else. So is the possible loving. The only thing I have is this friend. And not one of the three things ever come easy to me.
-E