Illius

Attempting to sort the memories into neat piles is proving to even more difficult than I anticipated. There are the things that I do not yet wish to tell Sandy about, and the things that I feel that I must tell him before they burst inside of my head. Every one of them is tangled into an impossible knot, though I continue my attempt to untangle the mess enough to grasp a handful of them to present to him coherently. It is hard to discern which memories belong in which pile, only finally decided by priority. I know that I will reveal every one of them to him before long, however;  I cannot keep a thing from him, even if I tried; he, himself, is magic all his own.

I wait to disclose any of these things, however, until Sage and I escort Sandy back to his room and lock him inside, safe from the rest of the world.  I find it difficult to have faith in myself today, let alone in anyone else, even including my loyal underlings. I cannot stop the scene of the woman lunging at him in the Market from replaying mercilessly in my mind and each relay evokes a new wave of anger.

Sandy does not press the matter of my silence, trusting in my withholding as I pace the room, sorting the thoughts that I would like to voice into their proper places. Sage takes up her place by the locked door, sitting calmly as she watches Sandy and I, ears trained on every little noise that the castle makes in the night. I have a newfound trust in her senses after the display of protectiveness over him today.

Sandy changes into night clothes as I stoke the fire, staring into the flames that leap from the flint in my hands to the dry sticks in the hearth, climbing up them as they fight for the light that shines onto my face. I glance over my shoulder towards the privacy screen that stands erect across the room, thinking about what I said to Sandy earlier, wondering vaguely if I should have mentioned anything about it. 

It is true that I have memories of him from far before this time long before he was formed in Lyra's womb. Each time he wears a different face, but his soul is so clearly the same, always present shining through the eyes of each different mask. I cannot tell how I have been able to discern each different person as being the same soul, but something in each of those pairs of eyes resonates with me, striking a familiar chord in my heart that stretches farther back into time than I can properly remember. 

It seems that I have been alive for quite some time, though this is the first time that I have had to start over from infancy. I can recall the face of the Aes Sidhe that forced this reincarnation upon me, though I cannot imagine that the vivid memory will aid me in finding them again. I have a feeling that they are the sort of Fae that is not found unless they allow themselves to be and I haven't the luxury to waste the time searching for them. I have to keep all of my energy focused on keeping Sandy safe and nothing, not even these strange memories, will keep me distracted from that again. He is far more precious to me than anything else in my past; that much, I am certain of. 

I turn away from the screen as Sandy steps out from behind it, pretending as though my gaze had never drifted that way at all. The fire is full of life now, needing nothing more from me at the moment as it blazes brightly, filling the room with the warmth that it offers. I continue to gaze into it as I ponder, feeling Sandy come to stand behind me, despite the soundless tread of his socked feet across the cool floor. 

My Prince watches me, waiting with the ancient patience of the stars in the night sky, as steadfast as the mountains that kiss them with their height. It is this very trait of his that makes his soul so different; no matter the age of the face that he wears, his unabating, forbearing nature always presents itself in a subtle smoldering in his irises. I do not even need to look at him to feel the familiar weight of his gaze on my shoulders, grounding me to the present, making me real. Even if I am confused and uncertain of my own memories, this stare of his is enough to steady my breath and calm the racing of my thoughts. I may not be able to sort all of them, myself, but he will accept them all in whatever state I am able to extend to him. 

This peace that Sandy brings with him every time that he is near is enough validation for my loyalty. In the length of my life, I have not met another who evokes such tranquility to the heart inside of my chest. In all of this chaos, he remains undeviating beside me, so I will always be here for him in return. 

I sigh, collapsing onto the floor in front of the fireplace, feeling contentedly defeated. "You have always been just the same," I say, breaking the quiet inside of the room.

Sandy sits beside me. "Have I? For just how long have you known me?" 

It sounds like such a strange question coming from him. For as long as I could remember before today, it would be an absurd one. As far as either one of us had known until now, we have always known each other for the entirety of our lives. It stands true still, though only one of us can recall the actual length of our brotherhood.

I jab at the logs inside of the hearth with a fire poker unnecessarily, needing something to do as I speak. "I have always known you. You have not always looked the same, but somehow, you always find me."

"I have been reincarnated?" His voice comes from close behind me, full of wonder at the realization. "I never would have considered that it could be possible."

"Many times," I admit, surprised by the freeness of the conversation. It is meant to be a serious one, though it feels as casual as if we were discussing the weather outside. 

Sandy is quiet for a moment as he accepts this information, gazing into the fire from over my shoulder. The crackling in the hearth seems to quiet beneath his eyes, becoming tame beneath the weight of his stare. I wonder if he has ever become aware of this trait of his, considering just how brilliant he is.

For as long as I have known him, Sandy has had the amazing ability to calm whoever, or whatever is around him, as long as he is able to look directly at it or them. This theory has yet to be tested, though I am certain that he could quell a raging storm if he gazed into the blackened clouds for long enough. He is a thrilling enigma, inarguably the greatest mystery known to mankind. It is equally as incredible that he is unaware of this.

"How curious," Sandy finally remarks after some lengthy consideration. "I would not have thought it possible if anyone other than you said it." 

"You believe such an absurd explanation, as long as it comes from my lips and not another's?"

Sandy lowers himself beside me on the floor, prompting Sage to come to sit by him with a look. She comes immediately as if having been waiting for him to acknowledge her and sits on the side opposite to me, dutifully ignoring my presence. The massive beast would blend into the shadows that dance in every corner of the chambers if it wasn't for the light of the flames that illuminate her frame. Sage lowers herself to the floor, gaze unwavering from Sandy's face, even as her ears pivot to catch every inaudible sound. The way that she leans into his lap seems to further prove my theory about the Prince; even this beast is made a puppy in his presence.

Sandy shoots me a look, playful despite the stress that creases his brow. "Of course. I'd believe nearly anything if you said it. I know that you would never lie to me."

Warmth spreads throughout my chest at his confirmation and I cannot conceal the smile that it brings to my mouth. "Surely you exaggerate. You are much too logical for that."

The quirk of my Prince's mouth disappears a bit as he becomes more somber. "I will believe anything that you say tonight, Illius. You will not feel the shade if my doubt, no matter what you tell me."

I turn slightly to glimpse his expression. Once I see the honesty of it, I feel the pressure of the pending conversation melt like the wax of a candle. Sandy does not require neat, sorted piles of explanation from me; he does not even expect me to tell him everything that I have been burdened with today.

"I wish it made more sense, " I say, running a hand through my locks with a sigh. "However, I will tell you everything that I can form into words."

There is no hesitation in his agreeing nod as he waits patiently for me to find the best place to begin.

No words leave either of our mouths as I flip through memories, but a startled jerk from Sandy implies that he sees them inside of his own mind, as well.

I stop abruptly, placing a concerned hand on his arm. "I am sorry, I did not know that would happen."

Sandy gathers himself and gives Sage a reassuring pat on the head, quelling her concerned look. "I opened the tie myself. You did nothing wrong, I was simply started by the number of memories that you have. It is no wonder you are having such difficulty explaining everything."

I do not feel particularly violated by the realization that Sandy can view my thoughts so easily. In fact, I am rather pleased with this new information. From what I know of his past lives, Sandy and I have not been able to share this sort of connection before. I cannot help but feel thrilled that we have made progress that I was unaware could be made.

I do not remove my hand from his arm, but he seems to have no intention of moving it, either. Sage sniffs my fingers but turns her head the opposite direction so she does not have to smell me. Apparently, she does not care for the scent of Aes Sidhe.

"Should we try again?" I ask, uncertain if I should allow him access to all of the memories at once. I do not wish to overwhelm him as I had been when first receiving all of them.

Sandy removes his thoughtful gaze from the fireplace to lock eyes with me. The pure determination reflecting in his eyes makes me smile. "Of course. I want to feel everything that you feel, no matter how devastating."

I peer at him, brow raised. "You're certain? They are not all pleasant."

Sandy stares back, unwavering. His eyes are serious, but a smile curves his bow-shaped lips. "I am always certain, Illius."

I shake my head, chuckling softly at his unwavering resolution. He is if nothing else, confident in his decisions once they have been spoken out loud. He is a very deep thinker and as such, will not voice a thought or decision until he is assured of his conviction. "As you wish, Sandy. Tell me if you need to break."

I am overly aware of his skin beneath my fingers as I close my eyes and grant him access to everything inside of my mind, no holds barred.

-

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait, everyone! Work has been hectic and stressful lately. I will try to update as regularly as possible, but I will also be working on new chapters for the edited version of Runaway Princess that I posted yesterday. If you haven't already, please check out the rewrite of RP and keep up with the updates of it! It will make Paragon Prince easier to understand and follow in the long run, so it would really be to your benefit. If there are any questions about this or about this particular update, feel free to drop a comment below or on my page and I'll be sure to address it in the next update.

I hope everyone is doing well and is enjoying their summer so far. Please, stay hydrated and don't stay out in the sun for too long, especially without sunscreen. Eat lots of fruits and drink plenty of water!

Until next time,

-A.