Leonardo

"Why are you being so hard on yourself?" Amara said as soon as I asked her for another round of walking. "You have to take it slow. From what I feel-"

"I don't care about what you or my mother feel. I just want you to do your job."

Trying to walk without the support of crutches and relying on my artificial limb was hard. Harder was to justify how desperately I wanted to be independent.

For the past couple of months, all I did was learn how to walk, and how to place my steps correctly so it wouldn't hurt my body in the long run. I was welcoming the prosthetic leg into my life. There was no escaping from it.

"Listen," Amara said as she walked from the other end of the room. "I'm doing my job and a part of that involves knowing what's disturbing my patients."

There was a certain concern that dipped her voice, irking me further. I didn't want people to pity me or care for me. I wanted them to leave me alone. Since that seemed like an impossible task, I wanted to sail through life with as little interaction as possible.

Maybe that was the reason why I'd put a lot of effort into hiding from the world.

Out of sight, out of mind.

"Is it the routine, Leo? Or something else because I want to know what's making you so frustrated?"

"You want to know why I'm frustrated?" Peering at her, my voice intonated. "You want to know why a man like me, whose brother assaulted his girl, is frustrated? Or that, umm, I don't know, my father is hunting to know my whereabouts, and my mother is fighting depression after seeing me crippled. You need more reasons?"

Inches from her face, I spewed acrid words of hatred.

"Or because the woman I love and thought of spending the rest of my life with didn't even bother to know whether I lived or died. So, you chose, Amara, because they all seem to be the probable cause of my frustration."

Amara stood silent. Biting into her lower lip, she nodded to herself as if assimilating my rant into her bloodstream.

The anger that danced over my chest and held my senses hostage, disperse. I wasn't even sure why I channeled everything on her when her only fault was trying to help me.

"Your issues are deep-seated, Leo. They are coming from the deeper insecurities that you have. I think you need to see a therapist to get over-"

"No, thank you. I'll deal with them by myself." I refused to be a part of another 'fix broken Leo' charade. "I don't need to talk to someone who'd dredge out more garbage and weaken me."

"But Leo, therapy isn't about weakening," she said, offering me my crutches. When I refused to take them, continuing my walk for proper alignment and whatever other shit Amara cooked up, she continued, "...therapy is about facing your fears and getting to know your strengths."

"Are you here to lecture me, Amara?"

"No, but...I'm here to help."

With every step, razor-sharp pain sliced through my spine and branched towards my trembling legs. The knowledge that I was weak, that I needed help to conduct mundane tasks branded my skin. The heat of shame and frustration boiled my blood.

"We have an agreement," I said. "You help me with this. And I'll help you in getting what you want."

Amara wiped her face, sliding her palm down her neck. I realized the crash course of our deal wasn't seeping into her conscience. She gripped the roots of her hair, moving back in an irritating display of surrender.

The phone chimed in my pocket.

It wasn't one in the afternoon when Zemira always sent a message, followed by a call. It was five in the evening. The unlikeliness of her calling at this time made me look at my screen.

Kyle's number flashed once. Then again. And again...

"Hello." I picked it up, carefully managing to sit on a chair while unstrapping my left limb. "How are you, buddy?"

"Shut the fuck up, man." Debby's infuriated tone blared through the microphone. "What the actual fuck. I mean I've heard people leading a hermit life but you are something else altogether. You are such an asshole friend, Leo."

Debby's harsh breaths stormed through the speakers. As if her body was undergoing tremendous labor, even talking in a stern tone was taking a toll on her.

"Leo, had it not been for the baby, I swear, I'd come there and kick your rich white ass."

"Baby!"

There was silence on the call for long. Longer, like the news wasn't supposed to be broken this way.

"I'm so sorry, Debs," I began. "I know I've been a bad friend but there are some things that I'm still sorting and..."

They could never be sorted completely. Nor could I undo what I did.

My carelessness killed people. My belief that an innocent-looking man was a civilian and not a militant resulted in five of my troops being injured and four dead. The loss of my limb and my burnt and bruised body was my recklessness.

Nobody could partake in that blame.

"I know, Leo," Debby's voice was a whisper. "Kyle told me. We got the news when you were in a coma. I couldn't visit you because of the baby..."

It was funny how the anger-spewing, revenge-seeking Debs morphed into an understanding and concerned woman.

"Don't worry about it, Debs. I wish for a lot of things to be different too." While I looked around my empty apartment in search of words, nothing came to my mind. So, I began on a formal note. "Anyways, leave all that. Tell me, how are you? And how's the baby?"

"Gender reveal," she blurted. "It's this Saturday and I want you to come."

"Debby."

"Leo."

"Debs..."

"Leo, pleassseee. If not for us then at least come for the sake of our baby. I don't want him/her to know that Uncle Leo didn't make it to the reveal party."

"How many others have you blackmailed with this dialogue?"

"Not many." Her voice muffled. "Please come. I promise you won't have to meet anyone else either."

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"Don't come inside the house. We'll meet you outside."

Her intonated voice and the confidence she displayed with her plan tempted me to accept her demand.

"Why would you leave your party?"

"Because for me, friendship means more. All we want is to see you, Leo. So, please... Pleeeasseeee."

"Fine."

I didn't know what I thought at that moment to agree or how she managed to rope me in her plan but there I was, nodding and smiling at her voice.

"Debby did you..."

"Nope," as if she could read my mind, she answered. "I didn't invite Zem." There was a silent moment before she spoke. "I didn't want it to be awkward between you two."

The news of Zemira's absence was all that was required to seal the deal.

"I'll be there. See you on Saturday."

~

On Saturday evening, Amara drove me to Kyle's residence. Since coming back home, it was the first time that I stepped outside.

The settling sunlight ran tingles over my skin, gently pricking it. The salty sea breeze filled my lungs. The warm, humid air tossed my unkempt hair in all directions. My shades and my cap protected me from the weather and the people around me.

I was scared to roll down the window but Amara was right. Nobody cared about the people in a rental car.

Nobody tracked us. Nobody even clicked our photos.

After a long, soothing drive, we arrived at the corner from Kyle's residence.

"Park it here. I'll call Debs," I said, grabbing the neatly wrapped gift that she helped with. "Do you want to come inside?"

"You go ahead."

Though both Amara and I had spent every waking moment together, we both kept our walls up. At least I did. She did narrate stories about the most important person in her life- her son, Faizal.

The rest of the time, we fought like scared, wounded animals, somehow managing to survive in the wild world. Not much could be shared in conditions like that.

I pushed open the door and walked around the corner, calling Debby's phone.

The loud music and the sounds of the crowd cheering, flooded from her backyard. It confirmed a successful gender reveal party.

What would it be? Boy or a girl?

My steps dragged at their entrance, my mind whispering instructions to stand still.

What if someone spotted me?

What if they had questions about my mission?

Deciding between staying or moving back to the comfort of my car, I froze, peering at my legs.

One whole and one patched up. Nobody could tell unless they saw me walk. Even then, they'd think I was limping.

In reality, I was adjusting to the new discomfort that formed part of my life and limb. I was accepting being broken.

A woman in jeans and a white shirt rushed outside Debby's driveway, garnering my attention. Her back faced me as she leaned over her knees. Grunting, she pulled her body up and ran her fingers through her neatly tied bun.

"Fuck," she said to herself.

I knew who she was. I recognized that voice.

"How bad could the party be for a guest to leave so soon?"

Why the fuck did I speak?

Ever so slowly, Zemira turned towards me as if she was trying not to scare me away.

Five months. Five fucking months had passed since I left. Since we last saw each other.

Then why the fuck was I still fixated on her?

Zemira broke what remained of my heart yet here I was, lured by the flame of her existence. Readying to burn and be extinguished out of existence all over again.

"Hi...Leo." A hint of raspiness in her voice as she spoke.

It resembled mine when I first asked for water after a month of being in a coma. That sensation resurfaced. Of sandpaper mouth, dry throat and an ache so deep inside the chest, I wanted to die.

"Hello, Zemira."

After a year since meeting her at the hotel, spending time with each other and eventually falling in love, here we stood as strangers.

Two people, who could have embraced each other, chanted their love for one another. Two people who could have reignited the fire that smoldered in their chest but decided against it.

"How are you, Leo?"

"I'm fine. You?"

There we were, sealing fates and breaking ties that connected us. We were charting our course, back to being strangers. Again.

"Good. Keeping busy."

I turned around to look at my parked car. Amara honked, a signal she devised in case I needed help. I waved at her, instructing her to stay.

"You're here with someone?" Zemira asked, taking a step towards me but stopping midway.

"Yes, I've come with a friend. And you?"

My heart leapt from its place, thundering inside me to talk more. Every cell in my existence screamed to take a step towards her, to see her closely. To breathe the same air as hers.

I knew better than to fall prey to her ways.

"Alone." She looked around. "I mean my driver is coming but..."

"Good."

"So..." Her body tilted to a side, hands sliding into her jeans pocket as she tiptoed constantly. "What else is new?"

"Nothing." Kill me now.

A loud honk broke the awkward dance of our conversation.

A year ago, all I needed was to gaze into her eyes and she would know what I wanted to say. Today, no amount of soul-searching could supply me with words. Today, she couldn't read me either.

"My car is here," Zemira said, pointing towards the slow, approaching vehicle.

Since when did she need a driver? Why wasn't she driving?

All my questions would remain dormant in my chest, along with the love I had for her.

Zemira moved a step closer. I slid back. Her presence burnt me. Her blue eyes darkened, her head dropped but then she brought it up like always, smiling at me. Killing me.

"See you around, Leo." She hopped into the car and left.

"I don't think so." My response remained for me.

Debby and Kyle managed to flit the merriment to meet with me a while later. When Debby's eyes landed on my gift, her brown eyes widened.

"Is this for me?" Taking careful steps over the pavement, she walked towards me. "What is it?"

"I don't give gifts to liars," I said, dragging the box behind my back.

"What lies?" Kyle asked but the moment he turned to Debby; he knew the answer.

"Sorry, Leo," Debby said, walking around me like a puppy on a leash as I kept shifting her gift from one hand to another. "Zem needed this. You don't know what she has undergone. These past months were hard on her too."

"What about me?" I asked, tossing the gift towards Kyle, who caught it with one hand. "What about my condition?"

Debby held my hands, clasping them near her body.

"I know both of you have been through the grinder but you need to talk this through. Zem didn't tell me why you are avoiding her. You aren't being helpful either."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine," with a grunt, she tossed my arms away. "Both my baby's uncle and aunty are not even ready to face each other. I don't know what will happen when you meet each other again."

I shrugged, kissing her forehead.

Although fuming, she smiled when I wiped the misty corners of her eyes.

"Don't try to pacify me, Leo. It's you who has to sort these misunderstandings before it's too late."

I nodded at her suggestion, listening to her brim with joy over having a baby boy. At the back of my mind, her words were muted. My mind churned ideas for my next escape.

An escape from the familiar. Away from the bonds of fake love. And genuine friendship.

~

Here we have a broken boy. And a broken girl.

Waiting to mend.

And wanting to be loved.

Can they both heal and love each other once again?