ANTECEDENT: CHAPTER 16

MIDNIGHT immediately slammed the door shut when he saw what was inside, aghast. His stomach tightened. It felt like a hand was twisting his intestines, pulling it down. He felt a tingling sensation in his spine, crawling up to his skull, numbing his whole body. An extreme terror ripped through him. His fear left him completely paralyzed.

Cold. Immobile. Trembling.

He knew, in the rational part of his brain, that what he just saw inside was not frightening. This was just hypnosis. What happened was in the past. That already stopped. He was faraway from that place. It will not happen again.

Midnight kept telling himself that it was nothing but a room full of medical equipment and medicines, but he still couldn't move his body.

Fear was still gnawing at him, and his body was shaking.

"Knight, calm down..." Midnight heard Silvanus' voice. "It's okay. No need to be frightened. This is just a memory. Don't let it swallow you. Calm down."

But Midnight couldn't calm down. Beads of swear were running down his forehead. Coldness and fear gripped him.

He can't do this... he can't... he wanted to leave. This place was the last thing he wanted to see again.

Midnight felt like he was back in that room again. Surrounded by people with crazy, bloodshot eyes.

Those eyes were looking at him as if he was just a piece of meat on the table, not a human being. Those probing eyes. Testing him... experimenting on him.

Midnight slightly shook his head. He took a step back.

Outside, blood trickled down his nose. Lips pale and body cold and trembling.

He had been swallowed by immense fear.

"Please... l-let me leave." Through his gritted teeth, he whispered. He had gone back to the days when he used to beg for mercy. "I'm not Knight... I'm not." He hugged himself as he continued to tremble. "Please... I don't want this. I don't want any of this. Help me... help me..."

But no one came to help.

"Please... stop... I don't want this. I'm scared. Please..." he begged and begged.

Outside his consciousness, he couldn't hear Silvanus anymore who had become worried stricken because Midnight wouldn't wake up after telling him to countless time.

Midnight was trapped in his own frightening memory. Cannot escape. Just drowning in his own despair and helplessness.

He couldn't breathe. Gasping for ear. Wanting to fight to live, but having a hard time surviving.

He had no one. He had nothing. What was he living for—

"Midnight... your big brother is here. He's worried about you. You need to open your eyes slowly and wake up. Silvanus voice remained calm amidst his worry.

Silvanus voice finally penetrated Midnight's consciousness.

My brother? Big brother?

Slowly, his consciousness that had been trapped in his despair came out.

"Big brother..." he called out softly.

"Yes. He's here." Silvanus was lying through his teeth just to wake Midnight up. "He's worried. Wake up. Slowly open your eyes. At the count of five, wake up. One...two...three...four...five..."

At last, Midnight's eyes opened and the first thing he saw was Silvanus hovering over him, looking pale and worried. And then he felt something covering his nose.

He touched it and felt it was a tissue soaked with blood.

"You're awake." Relieved, Silvanus went back to his seat. "Thank goodness."

Midnight was about to pull the tissue away from his nose when Silvanus handed him a roll of tissue.

"Sit up and tilt your head slightly forward. Pinch your nose and hold it. Apply a gentle pressure so it would stop." Silvanus instructed.

Midnight said nothing, but he did what he was told.

His hands were still trembling. He felt his cold body shivering. He felt so utterly helpless at that moment.

But before he could wallow in his despair, he heard Silvanus spoke.

"Talk to me," Silvanus said. "Tell me what you saw. Do you remember?"

Midnight nodded. "I don't want to go back in there..." his voice almost begging.

Silvanus did not give Midnight a definite answer. He just held his stylus and then tablet. "Alright. Tell me what you saw, in detail."

Midnight did not want to recall that memory, but he had to cooperate if he wanted to know what was done to him.

"It's, um... a medical room."

Silvanus raised his eyes at Midnight, as if asking what was so scary in that medical room that he reacted that way.

"I..." he paused for a moment, then continued, "go to that room once a month." He took a deep breath. "People in lab coat would be there while I'm strapped into a table." He closed his eyes to erase those memories, but it was engrained in his brain. "They would inject me with a lot of chemicals. I don't know what those things were. I just know that I would be put in observation for two weeks after the injection."

"What do you usually do in those two weeks of observation?"

"Kill."

Silvanus became silent for a moment. Without asking, he knew Midnight meant killing people. "Do you remember the gender or age of those you killed?"

Midnight's nosebleed finally stopped, and he was now looking at his hands, holding a bloodied tissue. "Yeah. Young and old. Male and female. There were even children in the mix sometimes." He stared at the blood on the tissue. He didn't know there were tears running down his face. "And I didn't feel anything. They begged and cry... but nothing. I felt... nothing."

Midnight opened his hand that was holding the bloodied tissue, palm up. "Even now, I don't feel anything. I know something is wrong with me, but I seem to not care about it."

"You care." Silvanus immediately corrected Midnight. "Maybe not a lot like a normal person would, but you do."

Midnight raised his eyes at Silvanus. "Really?"

Silvanus nodded. "Yes. You care in your own way." He wanted to reassure Midnight that he was not an unfeeling person. "I want to do some scans to analyze your brain chemicals, particularly your neurotransmitters."

"Chemical..." Midnight echoed. "Would that figure out what chemicals did they injected into me?"

"Hopefully. Now that we have a slight idea of what has been done, at least we know what we have to do next."

"Okay."

Silvanus took a deep breath. "We have to do some tests and scans, but I guess that what they had injected you is a chemical substance that could affect or eliminate the ability to feel emotion. It's a phenomenon called emotional blunting. These substances impact neurotransmitters systems, brain structures or pathways responsible for feeling emotions, so it is fascinating that even after all that, you still have emotion for your brother."

There was a slight frown in Midnight's brows. "Is that... a bad thing?"

"No. It's just fascinating to me." Silvanus let out a breath. "Anyway, we have to go back to my lab for the test and scans. I'll call my team to ready the lab."

Midnight nodded and left the recliner. But the moment his foot stepped on the floor, his body swayed, and he was unbalanced.

"Midnight!" Silvanus was quick to hold Midnight's arm to balance him. "How are you feeling? Tell me."

Midnight squeezed his eyes shut. "Just a little dizzy."

"Alright. Have a seat and relax. Don't force yourself."

"Hmm." Midnight hummed and sat on the chair Silvanus was sitting on earlier, leaning back against the chair's back. "I'm fi—" he was about to say I'm fine when he recalled GodFavoredMe's advice, to be honest. "I'll be okay. I'm going to stay here for a bit."

Silvanus patted Midnight's shoulder before leaving to contact his laboratory.

Alone in the room, Midnight stared at his hands. They were clean, but in his eyes, they were covered in blood. From the tips of his fingers to his elbows, everything was red. He had killed so many people since he was a child that he couldn't count how many lives he had indeed.

But the most fuck up thing was, he felt nothing. As if what he did was not something horrifying.

He wondered if a time would come that he would feel emotion and be able to express it. In his state right now, that would be an impossible fate.

Thus, he agreed with Silvanus. It was indeed fascinating that a person like him who felt nothing could feel emotion toward his brother.

There must be something in his brain that makes him feel that way. Even he, himself, wanted to dig his brains out to see what was in there.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts.

The door opened and Happy peeked her head in, her eyes looking for Midnight. "Night, it's time for dinner. Come on, let's eat."

Midnight nodded and followed Happy to the dining table.

As they eat, everyone was talking and joking around. He wanted to join in, but he didn't know what to say, so he just kept his mouth shut. Only speaking when spoken to.

After dinner, he prepared Loki's water and food before picking up his phone, sitting down on the edge of his bed and sending a chat to GodFavoredMe.

He had a feeling this person had an answer to his question.

'How do you start a conversation that would not end in awkwardness?'

It took a while before GodFavoredMe replied.

GodFavoredMe: I'm not an expert here but I think it's best to start with something that interests you or the person you are talking to?

A small frown made its way to Midnight's brows.

'I don't have any interest.'

Aside from his brother, he had no interest in anything.

GodFavoredMe: Try asking open-ended questions?

'Not interested.'

GodFavoredMe: Share something about yourself?

'Too dark. Not appropriate.'

GodFavoredMe: Then just listen when they're speaking? Listen actively. Ask follow-up questions if possible? And then maybe show some appreciation here and there to avoid dead air?

Midnight read that a couple of times, but still couldn't grasp it.

'I still don't get it.'

GodFavoredMe: How about you try talking to me for practice? Go ahead. Try it.

Midnight tried, but the only reply he could muster was "...". Yes. Three dots. He had nothing to say.

GodFavoredMe: I give up. Just be yourself.

'The me is cold and boring. Not good with communication. Don't have much emotion either.'

GodFavoredMe: If they care for you and respect you, they won't mind.

GodFavoredMe reply was the words Midnight unconsciously wanted to hear. So, when he read that, he felt relieved.

'Can I ask you again when I don't understand anything?'

GodFavoredMe: Sure! I don't mind. But you have to let me vent on you from time to time.

Midnight recalled how GodFavoredMe 'vented' on him last time and he found it not bothersome, so he immediately agreed.

'Okay. Deal.'

With that, Midnight's relief became apparent. His whole body loosened, and he lay on the bed feeling light.

Outside of his familial affection for his brother, there was a lot of emotional stuff he did not understand. If he couldn't feel it and express it, wouldn't it be helpful to ask someone — who did not know him personally — who could?

It was indeed good to talk to a stranger. That old annoying man got that right. Although that stranger must be GodFavoredMe and not those weird people in the ALONE APP who post weird and unhinged stuff.

However, even though he felt lighter and relaxed, his nightmares just wouldn't let him be.

Midnight woke up the next morning with a raging headache. It was unbearable that he kept squinting his eyes in discomfort.

"Are you okay?" Happy asked when she saw Midnight scrunching his eyebrows while having breakfast.

"Just a headache." Midnight said it as if it was nothing, but the people sharing breakfast with him still got worried and asked the butler to fetch him his medicine.

Midnight was already used to their worries and easily accepted it.

"Rest up." Dominick patted Midnight's shoulder. "Listen to some relaxing music."

Thus, the entire house became filled with relaxing piano and violin pieces as Midnight sat in the living room, leaning back on the sofa, relaxing. He only got up when Silvanus called for him to go back to the laboratory.

The tests and brain scans were still not finished until dinner, so he stayed in the lab and continued the next day.

"Let's do our next therapy next week." Silvanus told Midnight before sending him to the helipad. "Let your brain rest. If your symptoms get worse, call me."

Midnight nodded and silently walked to the helipad.

After he settled in the helicopter, Midnight closed his eyes to rest while the helicopter rose to the sky.

Usually, the flight time to the farm would take a bit long, but he felt the helicopter flying down.

Midnight frowned at that and calmly looked down outside the window, then glanced at the pilot. He said nothing, even though he already figured out what was going on.

Midnight remained calm, as if nothing were amiss as the helicopter landed on a grassland.

Soon after, the door of the helicopter was opened from the outside and Midnight came face to face with Orlando.

Midnight did not show any surprise expression upon seeing Orlando. He calmly stepped out of the helicopter and silently followed Orlando to a parked car safe distance away from the helicopter.

Midnight obediently stopped beside the car door, not moving an inch or opening the car. Without an order, he did not dare to do anything. He felt like he was back to the time before Dominick took him to the farm—obediently doing what he was told to do.

When Orlando opened the door, and he was pushed inside, Midnight saw his father sitting there, not even sparing him a glance. Used to this kind of treatment, Midnight settled in one of the car seats, away from his father, and he looked down on his feet, obediently awaiting his order.

It was humorous to think that he still couldn't say anything to his father after all the psychotherapy he had undergone. It was as if his mind was not his own in front of his father, behaving as he was trained to behave since he was young.

Nothing has changed. He was still an obedient dog who would only bark if his father told him to.

And he felt nothing about that fact. He felt no resistance to being used and abused. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Cold. Impassive. Obedient. And frightened.

Facing his father again after a few months, he felt scared. Like a frightened animal waiting to be punished. From the tip of his head to the ends of his toes, the fear was permeating through his entire body.

"Tell me what you've been doing these past months." His father spoke.

Midnight knew he shouldn't say anything. Dominick and everyone had been good to him. He knew he shouldn't betray the people who took care of him, but like a trained dog ready to wag its tail to its master, Midnight opened his mouth without difficulty and told his father everything.

It was maddening to hear himself speak. As if his brain—his entire body was not his own.

He didn't want to speak. Betraying those people's trust was something he didn't want to do. His only desire was to tear his mouth apart and stop talking, yet he continued to speak.

After Midnight reported everything, he closed his eyes and asked himself, is it worth it to continue struggling, knowing there's no way out? Should I just give up?

CECELIB | C.C.