LOUD  & QUIET 

yoongi has always been the quiet one. he doesn't like attention, especially when it's not from his friends and family. he likes being surrounded and he likes having his friends laughing loudly and fighting around him. he likes when they laugh with him, how he pretends to be annoyed when they force him to dance with them, knowing he hates dancing, because he likes when they think about him. he likes when they ask if he wants to hang out with them, he likes when they come in his room and just watch him study, he likes when they surprise him, he likes when they wake him up in the morning - whining, because they want breakfast and yoongi makes the best breakfast. he was drowning in happiness with his friends. when they all moved together? he couldn't stop smiling. when jungkook joined their group and moved in with them? he liked it more than he would admit.

so why? why did the boys leave without him to go to the restaurant? why didn't they wait for him? why is he running for his life? why has it been like this for the past few months? why did jungkook break up with him? is he really not worth their time?

when yoongi arrives to the restaurant, he spots his friends sitting at the table, laughing. he feels sick. his stomach, his chest and his head hurt more than it should. why didn't they wait for him? he's on the verge of tears. things start to get blurry, he starts panting, he's athletic, why is he panting? why can't he breathe? he puts his hand on his chest, his mouth open, gasping for air. he's having a panic attack. again. he closes his eyes and hides so the boys don't see him through the window-glass thing of the restaurant. he can't stop thinking about how the boys just left him at home, how they didn't care enough to call him saying they were ready, how they didn't ask if he was finished with his homework and how they weren't thoughtful enough.

he asks himself if he should go in the restaurant, if it's really worth the tears. he knows he shouldn't feel like this, he knows he should talk to them about it. but then he remembers the last time he tried, holding back his tears, he gives up. gives up on them. he decides that, for himself. for his health. as he's about to go back home, the boys who finished eating go out of the restaurant and spot yoongi. "hey yoongi! what are you doing here?" seokjin asks, innocently. yoongi takes a deep breathe and turns around, a fake smile on his smile. everyone knows something's wrong.

"absolutely nothing, i have a meeting so i need to go!" he replies, turning back around, the tears start rolling down his face as he escapes his supposed best friends. when he's far enough, the boys start talking again. jimin is confused, jungkook is on his phone, not caring. namjoon, taehyung, seokjin and jimin look at each other. something is wrong, and they can't put a finger on it. why did yoongi fake smile? why was he crying? they go back home, jungkook jumps on the couch with taehyung and the two boys start playing overwatch. seokjin and namjoon go upstairs in their respective rooms because they need time alone. it's crazy how they all go along, how they know each other perfectly, know when not to push things, know when one of them feels uncomfortable and how amazing this friendship is. so why their relationship with yoongi degraded?

jimin goes in yoongi's room. the elder is not in his room, like jimin suspected. he looks around, and he feels uncomfortable. he's so confused, he could cry right on the spot. that's what he does, he closes the door and starts crying silently. it's the only place he feels himself the most. is it because of all the late night talks with his older brother from another mother? is it because he knows everything that happens here stays here? is it because he trusts yoongi so much, this room is just another version of him and crying in here feels like crying in yoongi's arms? he lays on the bed, and covers himself with the blanket and he cries his eyes out. he has no idea why he's crying, it's always like that. there's no reason but he still cries.

yoongi comes home late, to bring some clothes to his studio. his studio. the others have no idea he has a studio, and that's where he spends most of his time. that's where he sleeps when he's not at home. he never knows when to tell them, how to tell them. he doesn't want them to ask questions. why do you have a studio? you make music? you're a singer? you? he knows they are not mean, but sometimes their words hurt more than they should. and he doesn't want to hurt. he had a meeting with a producer from a big company. he sent them his samples, and some of his songs and they wanted to meet him. it went well, and that's what he's happy about. he sees jimin on his bed, eyes swollen and still wearing his clothes. the younger is sleeping and yoongi softens at the view.

he walks up to jimin and sits on the bed next to the sleeping body. he's thinking about it. it's 3a.m. and he's thinking about it, about leaving. about leaving jimin all alone, with his thoughts, with his worries and his feelings. he feels guilty. but does jimin feel guilty about making yoongi sad? do they feel guilty about making him feel like shit for days?

"jimin, what are you doing here?" he whispers while shaking the younger. jimin wakes up and sniffs. he looks up to yoongi, relieved the older is here. he throws himself in yoongi's arms, in need of affection. yoongi sighs and hugs the younger. "what happened?" he asks.

"i don't know" jimin is about to start crying again.

"everything is fine jimin, i'm here, don't cry" he pats the younger's back and after a few minutes, he calms down.

"i came in your room because it's the only place i feel safe" the younger admits and yoongi smiles. he feels guilty and this time more than ever.

"do you want to go out? i was going out anyway" no he won't show jimin his studio, they will just wander around the city. the younger nods and they both stand up. jimin doesn't ask why yoongi was going out this late at night. it happens sometimes. as they're walking to the door, holding hands, the lights suddenly turn on and taehyung stands in the middle of the living room. tired. and worried.

"where are you guys going?" he asks, he's also mad. it's 3a.m. what are they doing?

"we're just going out" jimin shrugs. taehyung scoffs.

"it's 3a.m. why are you going out? can't it wait tomorrow?" jimin's hold on yoongi's hand hardens and soon yoongi's hand becomes white.

"we're just going on a walk, don't worry we do it all the time" yoongi says softly, and jimin calms down a little bit. taehyung nods. he thinks.

"can i come?" taehyung asks, and yoongi swears he hears jimin's heart beating faster. he looks at jimin who starts blushing, taehyung doesn't notice because he's looking at yoongi.

"is it okay?" the older asks jimin and the younger nods, without talking. and the three of them leave the house. they start walking silently. yoongi is behind jimin and taehyung, he let go of his hands because he wants jimin and taehyung to talk. but no one talks.

"what do you guys do when you walk late at night?" taehyung asks as the three boys find a bench to sit on.

"we just walk and then come back in the morning" jimin replies, staring at taehyung's features. yoongi feels a little left out, but it's understable. so he doesn't say anything and ignores his heart aching, and smiles at the two.

"and what were you doing outside at 3a.m hyung?" taehyung asks and this time jimin looks at yoongi, wondering why his hyung was out at 3a.m too.

"wouldn't you like to know?" he replies, his eyes closed and his head facing the sky. it's not cold outside, it feels good. his heart hurts, he would love to share the news with his friends but he doesn't know how. he would love to tell them he finally found a producer.

"c'mon! tell us!" taehyung and jimin laugh, and yoongi thinks it's the most beautiful sound in the world. his best friends' laughs. he smiles and shakes his head. "you're so annoying oh my god" yoongi's heart aches when he hears jimin saying that. he still smiles, because he knows deep down the younger did not mean it this way. but is he really annoying? is he really that annoying? so many questions wanders in his head. why does it hurt so much?

when the sun starts rising, the three of them go back to the house and they find namjoon sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee while playing on his phone. jimin and taehyung smile and walk up to namjoon to annoy him. yoongi smiles at the view and goes upstairs. in his room. as he's about to walk-in, he notices jungkook's door open and sees the youngest writing something on his desk. he remembers jimin saying he was annoying and remembers when jungkook said it. when they broke up.

yoongi and jungkook dated for two years. without everyone knowing. jungkook was the last one to join the group and yoongi has had a crush on him since the first time he saw him. the way the youngest smiled and laughed? he loved that. the way he would annoy the fuck out of everyone, especially yoongi? he loved it when jungkook would ask him stupid questions just... because. the way no one in the group could scold him because he was too cute? it was adorable. he remembers when jungkook confessed to him, the way he said 'i like you hyung' with his blushed cheeks, yoongi remembers the way they kissed after that and how his heart fluttered when their lips touched. he remembers the way they would sneak out of the house just to have a date. the way jungkook would come to yoongi's room at 3a.m to cuddle and to talk about anything, knowing the older would always listen.

yoongi also remembers when jungkook asked him to keep this relationship secret because he wasn't out to anyone, and he didn't want his family to find out about his homosexuality. he remembers all their arguments, which were usually because yoongi wasn't careful enough. jungkook didn't want anyone to find out about them, he never kissed yoongi when the others were awake and in the house, he never kissed yoongi outside the house when there were people around, he never held his hand outside of the bed, he never asked if yoongi was comfortable in this relationship, he never told yoongi the real reason why he wanted them together, to be a secret. and yoongi never asked, because asking implied jungkook getting mad. and when jungkook is mad, he's mean. so mean. so mean, yoongi's heart hurts just thinking about all the insults he said to his hyung. yoongi is thinking about it again. and he does something very stupid. he walks in jungkook's room and closes the door behind him.

"can i talk to you?" yoongi asks and jungkook turns around in a second, shocked. but his expression quickly changes and now he looks pissed off.

"i'm busy" jungkook replies, cold. yoongi could cry, but he doesn't, he needs to be strong. he remembers jimin's words.

"okay you just have to listen and if you feel like it, you can respond" he shrugs his shoulders and stands here awkwardly. jungkook rolls his eyes. yoongi's heart hurts again, and he feels his eyes watering. "am-am i really that annoying?" his voice breaks.

"is this why you want to talk? yes you are hyung, i don't know why i dated you" jungkook doesn't realise his words hurt yoongi more than it should. jungkook keeps on rambling. "you are so sensitive it's crazy! i can't even count how many times you cried in my arms for absolutely nothing. everyone here thinks you're too sensitive and annoying. but no one wants to tell you because they know you'd cry. but i won't back off now, you need to know. that's why they didn't tell you about the restaurant yesterday. that's why no one invites you anymore to hang out. you became so boring, according to seokjin and taehyung." jungkook finishes talking and surprisingly, yoongi doesn't cry. he holds back his tears. he nods. jungkook is surprised too. and he's more surprised when he hears yoongi talking.

"thank you" yoongi leaves the room, jungkook is sitting there, confused. he shrugs his shoulders and starts getting ready for the day. he thinks. was he too harsh with yoongi? but everything he said was true, at least partly-true. seokjin and taehyung didn't say that, they just asked what was wrong with yoongi. he may have made up everything, but yoongi needs to realise that the world doesn't revolve around him and that at some point in life he's going to get hurt, people can't help being mean. jungkook is just trying to help. he moved on from yoongi, and yoongi should do too.

yoongi enters his room and locks it. he doesn't want to see anyone today. he feels numb. jungkook's right. he's so stupid, and annoying. and of course the others would think that. and it was obvious they didn't want to tell yoongi because they knew he was too sensitive. yoongi can't help it. the tears roll on his face on their own. he wants to scream. he wants to yell. he wants the world to know he's sad and he doesn't know how to stop the pain. he's thinking about it again. leaving. everything would be better right? like he could pack his bags and leave the house without the others knowing, they wouldn't care anyway. he lies in his bed. staring at the ceiling. chest pains, headache, heartache, his body is too weak. he's just drowning in the sheets. he can't breathe. the sun shines through the white curtains and despite the pain in his body, he still finds it beautiful and it hurts even more. it hurts thinking the sun will still shine, the moon will still light in the dark, that everything would be the same without him.

that's why the next morning, when jimin and taehyung wake up, they don't find yoongi in the kitchen, making breakfast for everyone. that's why they don't find yoongi in his room, ready to complain about breakfast not being ready, ready to annoy their hyung. that's why they find yoongi's phone on his bed with a letter, with all their photos together all put on the bed. that's why they find his closet empty. that's why all yoongi's stuff is missing, that's why yoongi's missing too. jimin holds back his tears but he can't help himself from panting and he starts shaking, taehyung starts panicking too, looking at his best friend, his soulmate, the light of his life, in this condition. he doesn't know what to do. he didn't know jimin had anxiety. he takes jimin's hand and makes him sit on the bed. jimin just, keeps shaking and panting. gasping for air, as if it couldn't enter his body. he also starts crying. he can't help it. where is yoongi? where's his stuff? why did he leave?

and taehyung does something stupid. he kisses jimin. right here. in yoongi's room. on yoongi's bed. jimin doesn't kiss him back. and when taehyung breaks the kiss, he feels ashamed. jimin is blushing. but he stops panting. he stops gasping for air. "i-i'm sorry jiminie, i-i read on google it-it could help" taehyung starts rambling. jimin starts crying loudly. and he throws himself in taehyung's arms. seokjin and hoseok enter the room, panicked. jungkook and namjoon soon follow.

one hour later, they're all sitting in the living room. yoongi's phone, the letter and all their photos together on the table. taehyung is holding jimin's hand. hoseok's eyes are red, namjoon and seokjin are just shocked and jungkook is confused. no one is talking. namjoon take the letter. "i won't be annoying anymore, i'm sorry. don't look for me, i know you don't care anyway. yoongi" he reads out loud, for the nth time. jungkook wants to tell them what yoongi said last night, he wants to tell them what happened but he knows the elders will just get mad at him and he doesn't want that. yoongi left on his own right? that means he was thinking about it, and jungkook's words had no influence on his decision? right? jungkook is trying to reassure himself but he knows deep down it's his fault. he feels guilty. they all do. but they don't know why yoongi suddenly left.

and for days, they don't talk. they won't even look at each other. everyone blames everyone. even namjoon can't find a solution. all they do is wake up, go to work and school, and sit in the living room until late at night, thinking about what they did wrong. jungkook bites his nails and hoseok notices that. he knows jungkook never bites his nails, unless he's hiding something. jungkook feels someone's gaze on him, and he meets hoseok's eyes. his hyung's eyebrows are furrowed. does hoseok know? does he know how much he loves yoongi and how guilty he feels? does he know they dated for two years behind their backs? does he know how much he regrets breaking up with yoongi because he didn't want to hurt him anymore because of his childish behavior? jungkook can't help but starts crying. hoseok is surprised and everyone turns to look at jungkook. no one says anything and they hug the youngest.

yoongi has been in his studio for days. just sleeping and writing music. who knew heartbreak could be inspiring. it doesn't help because it reminds him of everything. that's why he doesn't leave his studio. he wants to feel the pain. every single second of it. he wants to feel it. wants to hurt. because he's dumb. he doesn't regret leaving them, he regrets not doing it sooner. he regrets being a burden to them. he regrets being too sensitive. weeks later. he lost so much weight, he doesn't even own a phone anymore. he went to the company and told them he lost it, so if they need it, they just have to come to his studio. hyungsik, his producer nodded but never asked why. yoongi is sitting on the floor, thinking about every mistake he made in his life, the first one being: falling for jungkook. he wishes things were easier, and he knew everything would've been better if he kept his feelings for himself, because that's when things started to go down.

someone knocks on the door and he gets up opening the door to find hyungsik with bags full of food in his hands. yoongi smiles. but he's sad. hyungsik knows that. "are you okay?" he asks while entering the studio and closing the door. yoongi gasps. is he okay? that's something they never asked. he always asked them how their day went, how they were doing, but they never did the same. he shakes his head and hyungsik knows he's about to cry. the two boys haven't been hanging out a lot but, hyungsik just knows. and that's what's special about their friendship. hyungsik just hugs yoongi. and he cries in his arms. they don't talk after that, at least yoongi doesn't. they just eat, and he's listening to hyungsik complaining about other singers who are so perfectionists and how it can be annoying. he's just joking, yoongi knows that, because he's a perfectionist himself, and for the first time in a while, his heart doesn't hurt.

months later, hyungsik and yoongi got closer. yoongi told him everything and hyungsik just listened, to everything. he told yoongi it was pretty stupid move to leave them, that if he told them how he felt, they would've understood, but he knew how hard it would've been. yoongi couldn't just tell them he felt like shit because he was dating one of them and they broke up because he was a piece of shit (yoongi hit hyungsik when he said that and the latter laughed, making yoongi smile), he couldn't tell them it was hard everyday. hyungsik understood and that's all yoongi needed: for someone to understand. they moved in together. and they started living together. they were friends, roommates and colleagues. and yoongi didn't feel sad anymore. it felt good to wake up in the morning, and find hyungsik texting his crush, telling everything about him to yoongi. it felt good because hyungsik always asked how yoongi slept, how he was feeling and if he needed anything, it felt good because when they worked together, they didn't hesitate to tell each other everything: their mistakes and more important, what they did good. they were always celebrating.

it felt so good, to be accepted. he felt pure happiness and it made him remember the times when the boys and him started being friends. he wondered if they knew what he was doing, if they knew he was now a rapper, if they wondered where he was. he prefered telling himself that they didn't so it won't hurt anymore. hyungsik adapted himself to yoongi, and yoongi adapted himself to hyungsik. hyungsik felt good too. because for the first time in his life, he had someone else than his brother and his bosses to talk with. he never got along with the artists he works with, at least not like yoongi. when hyungsik broke up with his boyfriend, yoongi and hyungsik's brother were here for him and it felt so good. especially when the three of them went and threw eggs to hyungsik's ex boyfriend's window. he felt understood and he knew it was the same thing for yoongi.

when yoongi dropped his first mistake, they celebrated. in their own way. they laughed so much, they listened to the mixtape on repeat, the whole night. they were thankful for one another. yoongi got so much popularity. and hyungsik knew he felt anxious about all of this, so he promised his best friend to be here for him, the whole time. for his interviews, for his shows, for his promoting stages. and he kept that promise. yoongi thought about the same promise the boys made back in the day, to never leave each other. they all broke this promise in their own way. he's still hurt, years later. but he's slowly getting better. thanks to hyungsik, thanks to his bosses who were always understanding, thanks to his fans, thanks to himself - in a way.

it's four years later, that jungkook meets yoongi again. meeting might be a strong word to use in this particular situation, because he just sees his face on a screen. a screen that is on a building. something about a certain agust d dropping a new album. why is yoongi face on the screen? he could recognize him in a crowd. jungkook wants to cry but there's no tears left after all these years. yoongi never reached out to them, he never came back. and the six of them stayed together, they still live together, kept yoongi's room just the way it is. they tried to talk about it, but they couldn't find any reasons. they still don't know to this day what happened the day before, jungkook never told them the mean words he told yoongi. the way he lied about seokjin and taehyung saying yoongi was boring. he's been feeling guilty for years. and seeing yoongi's pictures on the screen, his hair now black, the fake scar on his face, his little smile, makes him feel like shit. he feels numb and his chest hurts.

he comes back home and doesn't bother greeting the others and go straight to his room. they all notice he's feeling down and decide to follow him. they all find jungkook on his computer. "what are you doing?" seokjin asks, the five of them are just standing there.

"i-i saw something today" the way jungkook's voice is shaky worries everyone. "watch this and tell me i'm dreaming" and then jungkook types agust d in the search bar, and clicks on the first videos. daechwita. everyone can't speak. yoongi is still alive. and he's famous. and he's rapping. and he's good. jimin starts crying. silently. they just watch yoongi in a car, yoongi stepping on someone's back, yoongi with his fake scar, yoongi having his eyes banded, yoongi. they're watching yoongi. their best friends who left them years ago.

"is this yoongi?" hoseok asks. it's a stupid question. they all know it's yoongi. they wish it wasn't. jungkook wants to tell them it's his fault that yoongi left. he just kept crying and the boys cheered each other up. they spend the next days watching agust d videos, his music videos, his interviews, his comeback stages, his lives. everything. and it hurt everytime. yoongi has changed so much. he looks happier. cheerful. he looks like a ball of sunshine in his lives, and he looks like an enraged teenager in his music videos. jungkook can't help but find this hot. his heart flutters. he remembers yoongi's gummy smile. and he wants to cry. it's his fault.

weeks later, hyungsik, eunwoo, yoongi, and ji-eun are sitting in a café. one that's far from the city so they can hang out without having crowds surrounding them. eunwoo has his hand on yoongi's thigh and looks at him with a loving smile. ji-eun and yoongi met a few weeks ago for a collaboration and got along right away, she got along with hyungsik and eunwoo too and now they're hanging out. it feels good, and yoongi is really thankful. until six boys enter the café. they don't notice yoongi and his friends right away, eunwoo rubbing his thumb on the older's thigh. yoongi doesn't notice them too. seokjin is the first one to recognize yoongi's laugh. and he shows the others where yoongi is supposed to be. they sit far from their old friend's table, but not far enough for them not to see. they also notice eunwoo's hand. and they notice ji-eun, they're fans. why is she hanging out with yoongi? why is yoongi here? seokjin gets up and walks over the table. yoongi notices him and tenses.

his hands start shaking, and hyungsik notices that. eunwoo takes yoongi's hand in his and looks at seokjin, who's just looking at yoongi. there's no hate in the elder's eyes. yoongi stares at him in awe. "yoongi" seokjin says, his voice does not break. that's what yoongi always admired about seokjin, he stays calm in situations that are overwhelming. and right now, yoongi feels overwhelmed.

"seokjin" yoongi says, his voice breaking. ji-eun and hyungsik gasp. he told ji-eun. of course he would. he feels so comfortable with her, she has a right to know. seokjin looks over the two, and his eyebrows are furrowed. he shakes his head and turns his attention back to yoongi, his best friend. eunwoo knows too, but he doesn't want yoongi to panic, his main focus is the boy sitting beside him. the boy who's trying not to panic. but it's too hard and soon enough yoongi is gasping for air. and trying not to cry. he didn't know seeing his friends again would make him feel like this. seokjin is confused. hyungsik gets up and opens a window. eunwoo gets up too and asks for a glass of water, making the waitress hurry. ji-eun asks yoongi to look at her and she smiles and repeats that everything is going to be alright. but yoongi's vision is blurry and he doesn't hear anything, something rings in his ears and he just looks around, feeling the fresh air on his face. the tears start rolling down his face and he doesn't know what's going on. seokjin is soon joined by the six boys and they're just watching him, watching him panic.

deep down, they knew panic attacks aren't new. he always had them, he never showed them when he was panicking, never told them when things were overwhelming. so why are the people around him giving him space except hyungsik? why do they know how to handle this and not them? the one yoongi knew for years? ji-eun and eunwoo ask the boys to sit down to the table next to them, to give yoongi some space. and they agree. they all sit at the same table, no one talks. ji-eun and eunwoo won't even look at the six boys, and it makes them feel guilty. they don't know what they did, but they must have done something for them to be mad.

hyungsik is talking to yoongi. he has both yoongi's hand in his. yoongi nods at everything he says, tears still rolling down his face. he can't breathe. and he can't move. he doesn't hear what hyungsik says, he never hears what he's saying. he just nods. he looks away for a second and meets jungkook's gaze. the younger looks pale and worried. it must be yoongi's imagination, why would jungkook feel worried? last time he checked, jungkook didn't care. he starts crying even more, but this time the air finally passes through his lungs, and he throws himself in hyungsik's arms. the six boys wish he would throw himself in their arms instead. after a few minutes, he calms down and drinks the whole glass of water. hyungsik smiles.

"do you want to talk to them?" yoongi looks over to them. eunwoo smiles softly and ji-eun kicks him in the legs, saying it wasn't the time to flirt. yoongi laughs. he nods and asks hyungsik to leave them alone so he can talk about it. he finally feels ready. he walks over the table, ji-eun hugs him and eunwoo kisses his forehead, making him promise to call him right when he comes home. hyungsik is just waiting at another table, working on yoongi's lyrics, because the two still live together, and they're coming back home together.

"i'm sorry for this", he sniffs and sits down next to hoseok. they all look at him. waiting for more. "i know you're probably waiting for an apology. you want me to say i'm sorry for leaving but that would be lying and i don't want to lie. not anymore" jimin wants to say something but yoongi cuts him off. "please let me talk, don't cut me. don't do that. you'll reply later. or you won't. i don't know. just please let me talk", it sounds like yoongi hasn't been able to talk with them. and it was true, everytime he tried to talk, someone would cut him off and the discussion would change. "i left because it didn't feel like home anymore. this." he points all of them. meaning their friendship. "i wasn't comfortable with you anymore. i couldn't talk to you guys about anything." he hates confrontation, but he keeps looking at them in the eyes. he's honest. "you didn't know anything about me, whereas i knew everything about you. you didn't know i had a studio for years and went there everytime it was overwhelming in your house" namjoon notices how he uses 'your' instead of 'our' and his heart breaks. "you didn't know i signed with a company days before i left, you didn't know i was writing songs and i was posting them on soundcloud, you didn't know all of that. whereas i knew about every single little thing about you. and i don't care anymore. really. i don't wanna out every secret you told me, every mean things you told me, because we'd be here for hours.

you guys knew about my anxiety but never cared enough to ask me how i was doing. i had a panic attack in front of you, and left the house in front of your eyes, but you never asked me why and what happened. i felt like shit for months. you would hang out more and more without me, not asking if i wanted to hang out with you all. i know you did it because you found me boring, someone told me and i suspected it anyway. i know you decided to cut me off but felt too guilty about it, because i was so sensitive and you didn't want to hurt me. but it hurt more when i saw you guys making plans without me, leaving me alone for hours in the house, and acting like nothing happened the next day.

it made me feel like shit. especially when you all came to me and complained about everything in your life. that's what i'm here for, helping those who need it, helping my friends in their hard moments. but at some point it felt like i was your therapist. i had my own thoughts to get rid of, and here i was thinking about yours, and what i could do to make you feel better. not once did i get a thank you, not once did i get 'hey hyung, how are you doing' it was always 'hyung can i talk to you? something happened' and it would always be like that. again, i was grateful you all went to me when something was happening because it meant you trusted me enough to talk to me about these things, but i was only here for the bad moments.

and before you can say, i should've done the same for you. you know, come up to you and talk about how i felt. but everytime i tried, i was reminded how sensitive i was, and how the world doesn't revolve around me, and how i should man up. i felt like shit, really. the subject would always change when i talked to you, i had your attention for 5 min, and it was tiring. it's childish, but i noticed the way you were all acting around each other and how different it felt when i entered the living room. i was just tired i guess, and the night before i left i was reminded how annoying i was, and how some of you found me boring but you wouldn't tell me because i was sensitive. i guess it was too much to handle, i had a massive panic attack in my room, the whole day. i couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't sleep, couldn't cry. the tears were here but they wouldn't come out. when i felt like this, usually i would go out and calm myself, but i couldn't bring myself to.

so after a while, i noticed there was no noise in the house and i was calm enough. i packed my things, left my phone and our pictures, and i left a letter. i knew you guys didn't care, so i just left. i stayed in my studio for days, crying my eyes out. i couldn't stop myself from writing songs, they never came out. i wrote songs for you, of you, about you. about how it hurt, how my heart broke everytime i saw you guys hanging out and having fun without me, how you didn't care, how i was heartbroken and you didn't notice. hyungsik was here for me, i live with him now, we've been roommates for four years. he knows everything i just said, and we just adapted to each other. it felt good. and it reminded of the old days of our friendship, when we just moved in all together and it was just pure happiness, how cool it was live with their best friends. i loved it, and i love you all so much.

i'm sorry everything went down, and i know i should've talked to you guys about my feelings, and i'm sorry for being annoying, i'm sorry for being boring, i'm sorry for being sensitive, i swear i'm trying to be better, i'm sorry this doesn't feel like home anymore, and i'm sorry for not leaving sooner, i didn't want to be a burden." yoongi talks and talks. he keeps talking, at this point, the six boys are just listening. they don't know what to say.

"yoongi..." jimin starts talking but nothing comes out of his mouth. yoongi just smiles softly.

"it's okay jimin, don't worry. i'm fine now, i'm happy and i hope you're all happy too. i know you are" he chuckles. "i'm sorry again, i have to go now, take care and go home safely alright?" he stands up, he wants to shorten this meeting, this reunion. he doesn't like it here. he was honest, the whole time. he poured his whole heart on the table and he hopes the others will understand.

"yoongi" someone stands up too. his back is turned but he knows who's talking. jungkook.

"i'm really sorry jungkook, i really am. i really don't wanna talk to you right now, don't get me wrong, it felt good to talk to you, but right now please don't you dare talk" yoongi's tone is harsh. which surprises everyone. jungkook always was yoongi's favourite. what changed?

"why are you talking to jungkook like this?" taehyung also stands up. of course.

"why don't you tell them jungkook? do you want me to tell them everything?" jungkook's eyes are watery. and he lowers his head.

"tell us what?" hoseok asks, looking at the youngest. "jungkook?"

"tell them how we dated for two years straight behind their back, how you made me keep this secret because you weren't out to anyone, how you never showed affection except when the others were outside, how you argued with me for months and months because you didn't want me to talk to you in public, because it made you uncomfortable, how you said for months i was too sensitive about it, how you shrugged everything off, how you made me believe you actually loved me, how you broke up with me because you realized i wasn't worth your time, you didn't want someone so clingy, and so sensitive, how the night before i left you told me everyone around this table found me so annoying and boring, and that you don't know why you dated me. yeah jungkook, tell them that. i have been so understanding for years, i never said anything, but don't you dare talk right now" yoongi's panting, his smile is bitter. he doesn't like feeling hate. and at this point, everyone watches them in the café. even hyungsik heard everything. but yoongi's attention is focused on jungkook.

"i'm sorry" that's all the youngest says and yoongi just laughs.

"yeah i bet you are" he looks at the others who don't know what to say. "please, now that you know the truth, don't come up to me. i really don't want to talk to any of you, have a nice day i guess" hyungsik and yoongi then leave the café. the car ride home is loud. very loud. and yoongi doesn't mind. he keeps talking and talking to hyungsik. and the latter just listens. he laughs about yoongi's excitement. and he's so happy to see his best friend excited about his comeback, excited about seeing eunwoo again, excited about tonight because he wants to drink, excited about what's to come, because he finally got closure. hyungsik shares yoongi's happiness. when they arrive home, yoongi calls eunwoo immediately and asks him to come over because he wants to drink with him and hyungsik, they also invite ji-eun. the four of them drink and yoongi tells them about what happened, he's in eunwoo's arms. "hoseok is cute" hyungsik says and yoongi agrees.

"they're all cute. in their own way." namjoon is cute because he knows everything and is eager to know more and more, it's cute when he always goes on his phone when he has a question. seokjin is cute when he smiles and laughs about stupid things, he's the oldest and he really doesn't care. he's cute when he acts like they annoy him when in reality he loves it. hoseok is cute, when he's loud. he's a ball of sunshine. he's always excited about little things. jimin is cute, especially when he pulls pranks on his best friends and acts like nothing happened. taehyung is cute, and hot, especially when he's with his dog, he's always playing with yeontan and always cries out of happiness when he's surrounded by dogs, and jimin. jungkook. jungkook is cute in everything he does. the way he's concentrated when he paints? cute. the way he always smiles when they do something he loves? cute. yoongi loves them, and yes they hold a special place in his heart. it's just sad they don't care about him, it's sad that they don't love him the way he wants them to love him. that night, he kisses eunwoo for the first time. his stomach hurts so good, and he wishes his whole body would hurt this way forever. he's glad he's found people who appreciates him and supports him.

the mood is completely different in the six boys' side. jungkook is silent. he doesn't talk. the others don't talk too. they won't even look at him. when they arrive at home, he can't take it anymore. "can you please say something? you being silent hurts more than you scolding me and telling me i fucked up. please yell at me, i deserve it, please please please, i am so sorry i should've told you, i swear i tried, but i couldn't bring myself to. i knew it was my fault and the guilt i was feeling made me think you guys would hate me if you knew everything i've done to yoongi, and i didn't want you guys to hate me, it was selfish but i preferred you hating yoongi than you hating me. i am so sorry, please don't forgive me, kick me out, it's all i deserve, i'm so sorry" jungkook starts crying and his knees give out, his body falls as he cries his eyes out. he keeps saying he's sorry, how he tried to tell them, how much he regrets, that the guys can kick him out and he would be fair, that he should leave.

"jungkook, shut the fuck up" jimin speaks and jungkook stays silent, he helps jungkook getting up and makes him sit on a chair, next to the counter in the kitchen. "please shut the fuck up, everyone shut the fuck up, don't fucking talk" jimin can't stop swearing. he hits his head. everyone watches jimin going back and forth in the kitchen, and they sit down, namjoon takes jungkook's hand and tries to calm him down. they understand. "it's not just your fault, don't you dare take the blame. you probably did more than what yoongi said, but we're all guilty in this, we all did something that made him leave. don't fucking say it's your fault only, because it makes me believe it's true when i know it isn't, when i know i prioritized my life and my feelings over his, when as a best friend i only came up to him because i couldn't stop crying, when i never asked why he was always going out at night, why he disappeared for days, when i should've asked, when i should've cared. don't try and take the blame, it's our fault." jimin is crying, but this time out of rage.

"jimin's right. he did something stupid, you did something stupid, we're all in this together. what's important is that we know it now, we feel guilty about it, and we're willing to change to make things better. we should've all reached out to him, we should've been better, we should've been better friends, and you a better boyfriend" hoseok starts and looks at jungkook. "but it's too late now for regrets, all we can do if give yoongi some space, and apologize when we're all ready to do it. the last thing we want is to overwhelm with our apologies and make him feel bad about leaving, when it's clear he got the idea of us not caring about him stuck in his head. him realizing he was wrong could make him panic and you all saw how hard it was for him to calm down, and we don't know how to deal with his anxiety. we never cared to ask." hoseok lowers his head, trying his best not to cry. they spend the rest of the night, with each other, feeling guilty.

months pass, yoongi dropped his second mixtape. his music video shadow is doing more views than he thought, everything is doing fine. everything is better, he has people understanding him, and who love him around him. and he knows they feel the same about him. he's walking in seoul when he notices a familiar figure in the crowd. hoseok. he's just walking with his earphones plugged in and yoongi is so happy. he's so happy to see hoseok again. he doesn't know why but his feet guide him right in front of the boy who's just surprised but can't hide his smile.

"yoongi?" hoseok asks and yoongi just nods and smile. he hugs the younger, who's taken aback. but he hugs back. they both feel good. one feels guilty, for sure, and he has so much to tell the other, but for now it feels good.

"where are you going?" yoongi asks. he's smiling big, and hoseok's full of happiness seeing his old best friend happy.

"work! i have an interview in two hours! i'm stressed out" hoseok laughs and yoongi looks at him with a reassuring smile.

"ok let's walk, i'll keep you company, i know how much you love walking when you're stressed out" yoongi says and hoseok nods. he can't help but feel guilty about yoongi knowing so much about him, but him knowing nothing about the older. they start walking in silence.

"how come you don't get recognized?" hoseok asks after a few minutes.

"oh! i don't know, my fans say i look scary and i told them i don't like being interrupted in the street, it happens but not so much" yoongi shrugs his shoulders. hoseok nods.

"i listened to your mixtape, it's so so good! and i watched the music video of shadow, why are you so hot in it?" hoseok keeps rambling about how proud he is of yoongi, how hot he is in the mv, and yoongi just listens, it feels good.

"thank you! i worked so hard for the music video, i had to retake at least 15 times each scenes, it was tiring" hoseok laughs and they keep talking. until hoseok suddenly breaks another silent pause.

"do you want to get coffee sometimes? or even after my interview, i'm dying to tell you something and it can't be done right here" hoseok stops in his tracks and so does yoongi.

"you can do anything right here, i don't mind, i know it's uncomfortable and you might want to prepare yourself but do it now, because you might regret it later. and we don't want regrets right?" yoongi says, smiling. it's crazy how he still knows what to say.

"it's awkward" hoseok chuckles.

"you're making it awkward" yoongi laughs and waits for hoseok to speak.

"i'm sorry" hoseok finally says. "we're all sorry, and i wish everyone was here to tell you but i can only talk on their behalfs. we're sorry about everything, we're sorry about making you feel like shit, we're sorry about not caring about your feelings and prioritizing ours, we're so sorry because we didn't see how bad you felt, we're so sorry because we didn't notice anything between you and jungkook - he told us everything, how you guys confessed to each other at the same time, how good it was at the start, and how he chickened out when things started to get real serious because he didn't want anyone to know he was gay, how bad he felt when he saw you sad and how guilty he felt when you broke up, it's none of my business but just know to this day he still feels guilty, he cries at night we all hear him but he doesn't want us to intervene, he said he wants to feel the pain you felt all this time" yoongi chuckles, sadly.

"we're all sorry" hoseok continues. "jimin couldn't stop blaming himself for a month, he makes breakfast for everyone and checks up on us every single day, he doesn't want any of us to feel left out. seokjin and namjoon started dating you know, and they treat us like their children, and it's so annoying but it feels good. jimin and taehyung are also dating. but i bet you already knew all of that. you're not obliged to talk to us again, we just want you to know that we apologize for everything, and we didn't want you to feel like you were a bother, and you didn't matter. because you do, and we're sorry for not saying this sooner, and for not caring enough to ask about you. we're so sorry hyung." hoseok finishes talking and yoongi is still looking at him. he's now smiling fondly.

"you know i forgave you right after i left you when we met last time? i couldn't bring myself to hate you, i care about you all. i'm glad you're apologizing, you need closure too, we need to move on from this, right?" hoseok nods, he's scared of what could happen next. "right now it's not awkward between you and i, but it might be if we all meet. let the others know that they can come by my studio anytime if they feel like talking to me like you just did. i'd love it if you could all meet my boyfriend" yoongi chuckles and hoseok feels the urge to hug and that's what he does. yoongi hugs him back. and right now it's all that matters.

a year later, they're all gathered around in the house yoongi once called his home. hyungsik and hoseok are flirting at the end of the table, eunwoo, jungkook and ji-eun are talking about some video games, namjoon, seokjin and yoongi are talking about music and yoongi offers namjoon to come by his studio when he finishes writing his lyrics so he could go over it, jimin and taehyung are playing with water. again. they all went at the same time in yoongi's studio and it made him laugh when they did that because they looked like dogs. they all apologized to yoongi, and they ended up fighting because seokjin said jungkook was dumb for letting yoongi go, and jungkook said he knew and hit his hyung, and then jimin started fighting with them, taking seokjin's side and jungkook and jimin started arguing loudly. namjoon, taehyung and yoongi watched them and left them in their own world and they started talking about yoongi's work and asked about every buttons and started touching everywhere. it felt good. yoongi felt happy. for the first time in a while, he felt at peace, he didn't have any thoughts, any worries about his old friends.

they met eunwoo, hyungsik and ji-eun weeks later after that, they met a few times and hung out like before, but this time yoongi was included and he knew they were aware of everything and he was glad. he wishes it didn't have to take so much time to get to this point. he was so happy they all got along very well, he was afraid jungkook wouldn't be very excited but they talked things through and even though he admitted being very much in love with yoongi after all this time, he was glad he found someone like eunwoo who would definitely treat him better than jungkook and he hated admitting that. yoongi laughed and hugged his ex boyfriend.

yoongi has always been the quiet one in a group. he is glad to be the quiet one, because he can enjoy loud things, like his best friends, who are the loudest people he knows. he's glad to be quiet, he loves loving them in quiet, because he loves being loved in loud. he loves loud. and his friends (and boyfriend) love quiet. they love when yoongi gifts them something unexpectedly, they love when he's excited about the little things, they love when he observes them from afar and pushes them to do their best, they love when he laughs a little louder than usual, they love when he talks about things that are bothering him and these are the only times he's loud. they love quiet, and they're sorry for everything. yoongi is glad, because he loves loud and he's sorry loud and quiet couldn't handle each other, he's relieved that now, they do.