(Tw for this one:

Heavily implied csa, aswell as human trafficking
S//c/de attempts are talked abbout
Generally disturbing thougths
Implied non consensual tattooing
Sligthly insensetive treatment (they do not mean bad, however Mori is not nessacrily socially aware of harm they cause))

•

••Alex pov•••

Alex thinks he is dying. It could be the five people all inspecting his lower body.

He feels dread when one of them, a man he'd assume is in his thirties, starts to speak. "Well, i can take you out for a date after this doll"

He immediately just drops all facial expression from his previous smile. His insides want to explode as soon as he hears the last word.

A woman, Alex would assume in her 30es, what he already finds nauseating, laughs.

It's not that he has an issue with older women, just that she also happens to be blond, tall and soft-faced. She looks like his mother.

He has this discomfort at the presence of most older women in general but that rings all alarm bells he could possibly have.

He shakes. He feels like his skin is peeling.

The woman makes a comment about him being very scarred. He pleads with whatever god there is that they don't need to look at his thigh. He himself avoids that area if he doesn't have to Touch it. He even covers it in the shower.

But of course the nurse needs to look and…

Radio silence.

Of course, now they pity him. Where else is an adult like him supposed to come from? A soft nice place where everyone loves each other? Seriously?
He is littered with scars, and misses an eye. He has a goddamn burn mark on his back classing him as not a person and they still don't realize?

People truly are all the same. Only looking when it benefits them.

He notices a the needles in his arm fully for the first time.

Until he hears a very polite knock on the door he isn't present. Not in a nice way. More trapped in his own mind.
He assumes its the worst person to visit and hides under his blanket just in case it truly is her.

The steps are sligthly to heavy to be hers.

"Alex? I got lunch for you. The nurses told me they'd rather not enter and since I already wanted to visit you I was told to bring it to you'' It's Viktors voice.

"Is Jane alright?"

"The child? Yeah, Mori is watching her. She misses you from what I gathered."

"That's good."

"Would you like to eat? I can help you if you want."

"No but I have to." He forces a smile. It's partially earnest, in the way Alex is excited to meet Viktor again deep down.

He doesn't know why. The thought makes his face warm and is Cozy but he cannot find out why.

"You look quite pretty today. Not that you aren't pretty usually, you always look very pretty" Viktors face is slightly warmer than usual.

"I am sorry to ask it like this but is your vision failing?" Alex isn't necessarily nice but that's his first thought.

"I don't think so. I see you very clearly and you are very pretty." As if to prove it, Viktor traces the scar above Alex eyebrow. It slightly dips in the eyebrow but not fully. "Not that its only the scars, but i do think they add to it. I never saw a face like yours. It's really nice."

"I doubt anyone sane would class my face as nice or pretty"

"It is very pretty. Alexander, you are insanely pretty. By far the prettiest man i have ever seen"

Alex feels very much the same. He doesn't voice it though. He gently takes Viktors hand off his face and holds it. His hand is so warm. Alex feels colder in comparison. Viktor is like the sun in that way too, always warm and pleasant. He somewhat wishes to nudge him down to kiss him. Or to just be close to him. Maybe to cuddle against him drifting off to a dreamless sleep. He quite naturally accepts Viktors ability without the other having to change his dream. Sometimes abilities don't need to be activated to have a milder version. It's dependent on positive feelings. Of which Viktor seems to have plenty.

"Alexander?"

Alex needs a few seconds to realize he , yes he, is meant. "Huh?"

"Would you like to eat? The nurses noted it doesn't contain nuts or any other allergies you have. It contains meat because we were not sure if you happen to have changed your diet."

"I usually don't eat it but it doesn't go against my diet, no."

"What do you usually eat?"

"I have barely a clue."

"Do you have a favorite?"

"No. Pretty much anything is fine." As long as it's actually edible goes without saying. Alex has eaten things he wouldn't wish on anyone.

"I was hoping you might've had something nice in the years we didn't meet."

"I mainly ate nothing when married and afterwards just whatever was the cheapest and smallest option. I can't eat much"

"I think I should make you something nice sometimes"

"Are you implying you want a date?"

"Not exactly but that would be very nice."

"Oh."

"But I think the nurse mentioned the food today is nice. Another wanted me to apologize for their coworkers behavior."

"Oh."

"Are you ok?"

"I guess so."

"Thats not a answer."

"No. I don't think so. I don't think I am fine"
Alex keeps any possible tears in. He won't cry

"I understand. Are you fine with touches?"

He nods and they hug him. "There there. You are safe" Viktor pets his head slightly.

"I hate that people feel the need to pity me. Doesn't it matter that I am alive?"

"It does matter and I am so glad you are." They gently pet his head. "I am so glad you are here with me" He speaks softly, but not in one that talks down to him.
"Is kissing fine?"

"Please avoid anything lower than mouth but yeah it's fine"

They gently give him a small forehead kiss.

Alex barely realizes how truly vulnerable he is. It's fine to be like this. He could nearly sleep like that. He feels truly safe

"You are too kind."

"I am only as kind as you deserve."

"I don't think so."

As if to stop his self doubt, Viktor gives Alex another quick kiss.

"You have really soft lips"

"Thank you" Viktor looks away flustered.

"Was that alright for you?"

"Yes. Very much"

Suddenly Alex feels too vulnerable. Too seen. Too weak. Too easily used.

He pulls away from the embrace. Viktor quickly understands. "I need to leave. Please make sure to actually eat"

Alex nods quickly before sorting himself up. He can't be that open again. He can't hurt that openly. Someone will use his weakness and gut him like it happened the last time. He can't let that happen. He feels too exposed. Almost like back then when dozens of people got to stare at him almost fully exposed. He feels like he barely changed from that. He is too uncovered. He feels truly powerless. His head is hurting. Everything makes him want to throw up.

Alex doesn't throw up. His face takes a slightly greenish color but his skin tone isn't warm enough to notice it.

He feels even sicker next to all the people he has talked to. Kat even dead looks more alive then he does.

He is tired from the figthing. But he cant stop.

He stands up. He has worked in much much worse shapes. He has worked himself to death nearly. He can still work though.

"Alex, do you really want to die of organ failure at the ripe age of 30?" Mori asks. They seemingly recoverd from their mental breakdown, beeing just very sligthly less put togther. They also wear less flashy clothes then normally.

"What are you doing here?"

"Apologizing. I got you in that kind of mortal danger"

"Mori, I have a very very harsh definition of mortal danger."

"I wouldn't have expected anything else from the person I know who survived the most"

"Mori we both know that's a lie, you know Porter"

"Bold of you to assume I am not quoting Porter. "

"You don't need to lie to flatter me."

"Well, you can ask him once you are out"

"But why are you here?"

"Checking up on you and guilt. I was worried for you. You know, like people care for others"

"I am not the kind of person who gets care"

"Alex, we are the same type of person. I am quite aware of what you went through"

"I have had enough people tell me how sorry they are. You don't want to know how many adult men apologize to you while violating you but keep doing it."

"Yeah, I don't want to. But that's besides the point. I promise you, I have seen similar things. I have seen pretty fucked up things"

"I can imagine. You didn't strike me as a happy person"

"I suck at emotions. Around Sophie it's better."

"I am glad you have such support from my sister." Alex attempts to hide the jealousy pooling in his gut. He wants the same amount of support from someone. He is aware he could have it if he only could be vulnerable without immediately growing overly clingy and nearly dependent on that person. He is annoying when he lets himself love someone like that, doing extreme things to please not be left.

He hates himself like that even more than normally. It's for him an unsafe situation and for the other person a giant burden. And he wants neither situation for either of them. He is annoying when clingy. He will beg for even shreds of love, not caring if they are real or not.

God, he wished his mom was different

Its a small silly little daydream of being a child again and everyone making sure he is alrigth and fine. His mom… not being who she is, his dad acrually being present for once, his sisters… Sophie is like she was in their childhood until she betrayed him and Amy was similar to Katherine totally different.

It will never be a reality however. Katherine and Amy still arent good people, Sophie still betrayed him, and his father is a coward who left.

Non of them spend a Single thougth on him

Suddenly someone snaps. "Alex? Back into reality. We are talking." Mori doesn't sound angry. "Just like your sister. She also sometimes spirals. Just that I refuse to kiss you out of that, I find that though quite repulsive. You both are clearly children of your environment. I assume you have the same burn mark as she does?"

"Yes, but much more blatant. People aren't into Sophie because she looks like a beaten child, you know?" His words are more cynical than he would've liked.

His head seems to be in a constant worry for Sophie or pure hatred and jealousy. He knows she probably didn't have a pick but still.

None told her they liked her because she looked half dead.

He didn't ask for it. He asked not once. Not for any of what happened to him.

"You do look a lot like her. But we are talking about Kat, so I'd argue that it just depended on her mood."

"It didn't. She specifically pointed things out about me that were flawed in her opinion."

"What do you mean?"

"Mori. I lack an eyeball. I don't think I fall into any sane person's beauty Standard."

"I didn't even notice that, the scars and the old rope burn on your neck are much more attention drawing. And from what I could see you have even more on your ankles and wrists. As Well as what I assume are other attempts. "

"Mori, did Nobody tell you you shouldn't point those things out?"

"Honestly? No. I don't really care if people point out my scars."

"I do care."

"I gather. I thought your skin would be thicker because you don't cover them at all."

Alex covers them. He spends hours trying to not look like a train wreck. He wants to look… like a person. Not like an object. Like a human.

"Leave. Mori, I seriously can't deal with anyone right now. It's not you"

They simply nod. "I understand." Before leaving.

Inside Alex craves contact to some degree. But he also knows human contact is a weakness people will exploit brutally. Especially vulnerability. Vulnerability will end up with him in some half dead state he needs to punch himself out of. And to not let vulnerability slip he needs to keep fighting.

He couldn't stop. Not if he doesn't plan to be dead.

(I hope you enjoy and at least somewhat understand Alex)