Summary:

As Seungri tries hard to forget, he remembers a lot.

When he is alone, Seungri can hear Jiyong's voice resounding in his ears, in his mind.

Seungri-ya, you're too much.

Seungri, I love you.

Seungri, stop it.

Not funny, maknae.

Maknae is always my favorite.

What do you think about this, Seunghyun-ah?

The voice is velvet with sharp edges and thick concerns, just the way it was; just the way Seungri opted to remember it. Soft, strong, playful, beautiful. Sometimes, when it's unbearable and he wants to forget, Jiyong will greet him behind his eyelids, asking –pleading –for Seungri to keep him; to stay with him.

Most of times, when Seungri wishes to forget, the memory from that day will come back to him, reminding him of what once were; of what they were.

***

"Hyung, don't do this to me."

"I don't want to," Jiyong wasn't crying. "Trust me, I don't want to do this."

"Isn't disbanding already bad enough, hyung?"

"Seunghyun-ah –"

"I can't do this. We need to prepare ourselves for the announcement next Wednesday."

"Seungri," tears finally streaming down Jiyong's face and to that...Seungri's heart broken, into smaller –uglier –pieces than it's already were. "I can't lose you too."

"You won't!" Seungri choked on his own pain, his throat hurt so much from screaming, from begging, from wishing. "You won't lose me if you never let me go."

"I should," Jiyong intertwined their fingers and Seungri's heart chanted the same word all over again –lies, lies, lies, lies.

"Hyung –"

"I'm letting you go, Seunghyun..."

***

Seungri wants the world. Just like he, many years ago, squeezing himself into BIGBANG, trying his best to win Hyun Suk's heart, sweating, praying to be accepted, to claim his position. He wants many things, he wants to be part of almost everything. He worked hard to be in his position now, with help from the others, of course.

Seungri loves making friends. He loves being recognized, he loves being surrounded by people. It's the only thing that keeps him busy, keeps him alive. Within the crowd, nobody will notice him frowning. In the seas of bodies swaying to the music, nobody will see him drowning.

Under the spot light, nobody will think he is crying. It's all for stage act, it's all for the fame, it's all for fun and Seungri wants to keep it that way, as long as possible.

Sometimes, Seungri manages to fool himself to believe that it's enough. At night, when he's standing in his bedroom, curtains wide open showing the beautiful colors of lights from the city displayed through the glass, he tells himself that it's enough. Last week, when he was asked in one interview of how did it feel to be listed as the fifth in Most Successful Businessman Under 40, he smiled and told them it was enough for him. Whenever his friends or acquaintances asked him why he didn't have a girlfriend yet, Seungri would tell them that he enjoyed being free.

Because Seungri had been set free, by the cage he wished to be in forever.

Sometimes, when he's half sober, he would dance by himself, to the song he used to sing on stage. As imagination runs wild inside him, as if he's surrounded by friends, by fans, Seungri would convince himself that it's enough.

If not for a lifetime, then at least for a reason to wake up tomorrow.

***

"'m 'wake," Seungri smashes the alarm off. People nowadays prefer to set their alarm in their phone, but Seungri has this annoying little clock on his bedside table that rings every 6 am in the morning every day. It isn't that Seungri is old fashioned, because Seungri always makes sure that he owns the latest gadget and most technology, it's more for a sentimental reason of reminiscing his younger days, when chocopie was luxury and Jiyong would hold him close in sleep.

Cold weather greets his feet as soon as he gets up, so he opts to check his phone while snuggling under his blanket.

5 missed calls.

Four of them were from his manager, there are messages too, Seungri will check it later. The other one was form unknown number and curiosity gets the best of him.

Dialing...

He waits and waits until the voice mail lady greets him in robotic voice. Shrugging to himself, he throws the phone carelessly on the bed. His schedule for today is less packed than yesterday, only a meeting with the producer and some more people to prepare for his show. Despite his own will, he chuckles. Everyone seems startled when Jiyong agreed to come to the show. Sometimes, Seungri forgets that Jiyong is popular, still that popular. Maybe because he had seen the worst side or him, or that he had broken Seungri's heart. There are just reasons that Seungri tries his best to forget Jiyong.

Today, unfortunately, he needs to do his best to remember it all. Which is not hard since Seungri still remembers a lot about him, things he should've forgotten already. Like the way Jiyong's eyelids would flutter shut when he's shy, the way his hand would shot up to cover his mouth when he's laughing, the way he would look at Seungri.

Just today, Seungri mumbles to himself and the pain stays still. Sting and ugly, just like four years ago and every day ever since that day. Just today.

***

The traffic is ridiculous. He didn't expect that, to be honest. It's only Friday and everyone seems to think its weekend already. Seungri sighs in frustration as he plays another level of Tetris game in his phone. What a day, he thinks.

By the time he takes the elevator, it's already 9.20, twenty minutes late. He can imagine his manager's glare, the staffs he's been working with for two years roll their eyes; probably mumbling something about being unprofessional, and the tired smile from the producer. He can see himself explaining, a little cheesy here and there, probably ends up with coffee treat for everyone, not that he mind much. Seungri loves going out.

What he faces as he takes a step in the meeting room is a complete opposite. His manager is nowhere to be seen and the staffs are laughing, talking, staring at something –someone –the producer is talking to.

"Ah, there he is," finally someone notices him and Seungri nods.

"I'm sorry, the traffic –"

"We know," his manager suddenly says from behind him that Seungri turns around. "I've told them, don't worry about it."

Seungri frowns at the concern in his voice but he doesn't ask. Instead, he bows deeply at everyone in the room. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting, how does coffee sound? After this meeting?"

"Sounds nice."

Seungri's back straightens in a flash that he's afraid he accidentally snaps himself into two. His head spins form the sudden motion but his mind freezes at the moment he meets those eyes.

"Coffee sounds nice," the voice is still the same, firm and playful, sweet and careful. The man looks the same, beautiful. "Where's the best coffee shop in Japan?"

Kwon Jiyong.

Seungri isn't sure of his answer; he doesn't know any answers that won't scare Jiyong away. He's afraid of breathing, scared that he's been dreaming the whole time.

***