Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
September 8th, 2020
"knowing in the moment is as good as knowing all the words to crooked teeth before someone shoots you"

~

    Kelly Adair slowly walked out of her english class. She had no reson to rush, not until Anita showd her face. Seeing as their first class of the day together was music and they had a proformace in it today. It was like this most days, in the class before a huge grade Kelly would be very uncomfortable and quite, after the class she would be a walking candy cane. It all came dow to nerves.

    Kelly wasn't sad she was nervous. She loved playing but playing for a grade always made her skin crawl. As much as she loved music class being graded to do something you love added a new fear factor into what you were doing. Yeah Kelly was definitely anxious about this grade, and it never helps when you don't see your partner until that class anyways.

    The lock on her locker clicked as she pulled it open, turning around so she could see the back of her jacket. She loved the flowers that were embroided into the back, and the white acrylic panit that spelled her last name. Besides a mirror there wasn't much else in the small compartment. A few binders lined the shelf and an umbrella hung from a hook in the back of the metal case. The whole thing was a dingy blue color that any inter design major would consider the most clashing color on the market. And Kelly would know her mother work under an inter design degree and anytime she came to the school she criticized the lockers.

    "Hey pointbreak!" Two voices called out the degrading nickname as they walked over to their friend. Flynn had jokingly given rude names to all of her friends and it stuck as an inside joke. Even when some of those friends left her for her daddy's money.

    Kelly turned around to see Anita and Flynn on their way to her, "Hey, Disapointmesnt, useless." The three laughed as Kelly fluffed up her hair in her locker mirror. She would push it up and watch it cascade down around her shoulders. A little habit she picked up from her mother. The red color of her hair was extra clear because of the blue top she wore under her jacket.

    Antia sucked in a breath, "Oh she has the confort jacket on." Anita turned to Flynn, "Flynn she has her comfort jacket on.... Kel would you relax, we got this. We've been rehearsing-." The three stoped when a girl in a flannel and red baseball cap walked by. The hat belonged to her brother, of couse, and the flannel was a gift from Flynn. Kelly just nodded her head towards the girl before closing her locker and following her down the hall. They followed her down a second hallway as well, one that led to the main area of the school.

    Whe the three friends made it to Julie Molina's locker they spoke in unison. "Hey underachiever." Flynn shook her books side to side in her arms. Kelly flipped her hair over her shoulder, shifting her bag so that it wasn't an uneven weight on her back and Anita twirled her hair around her finger.

    Julie chuckled, "Hey disapontment. Ponitbreak, uesless." She called her friends the three degrading nicknames, her right arm still in her locker picking around in her binders.

    After a quick chuckled Kelly rocked back on her heels, "Okay. I know you don't want us to ask, but have to figured out what you're gonna do today?" Kelly didn't want to be that friend. The always up in your grill kind of friend, but she worried about Julie more than Julie could ever know. She worried so much she gave Julie's father daily updates on Julie's mood until the school year started..... two weeks ago.

    Julie shifted uncomfortably, her hand falling from her locker as she tried to avoid her friend's eyes. "I'll know in the moment." That was her simple response. Even still it don't sound right in her mouth. That was the lie she was telling herself saying she would play again. Deep, DEEP, down Julie Molina knew she couldn't touch that piano.

Kelly couldn't help see something familiar in the sac eyes of Julie Molina. If remained the Adair girl of a family friend who's twin sons had died with Kelly's aunt. A looked that read broken and unsure if mending a look that made Kelly want to break herself.

    She remembers the first time she saw that look, she was sure it wasn't the first time she saw it just the first time she remembered seeing it. Kelly was three and watched as the red door to the house peeled back. Her father had given the woman a kiss on the cheek before getting lost in the photos on the walls as her mother tried to light the very dark mood. No it wasn't one of her fondest memories, but it held an importance like nothing else. Kelly was sure everyone had wore it at some point but it hurt more to see it on Julie.

    Anita scoffed, breaking Kelly's train of thought. "Knowing in the moment is about as good as knowing all the words to crooked teeth before someone shoots you." Kelly huffed out. She knew all the words to that song but not of the really famous Trevor Wilson version, but rather the original. Not that Flynn, Julie or Anita understood why she hated Trevor Wilson so much, they thought he was a musical genius. But Kelly knew better. Or more so Kelly knew the truth.

    Flynn leaned back on the locker next to Julie's, "Really Jules? That's all you're giving us? Mrs. Harrison said this is your last chance." She reminded of the many conversation Mrs Harrison had had with the girls in the last two weeks. Anita, Flynn and Kelly would beg for Julie's spot to stay open and Mrs Harrison would tell them her hands are tied. They would fight back, she would repeat herself. It was a whole thing.

    "I know. I was there." Julie shook her head, shifting the letters in her locker that spelled her name so they sat even.

    "Jules, we just wanna help." Carrie's voice rang out through the halls, "God what is she doing?" Kelly put all of her weight into her right leg, leaning to the side. The Adair girl watched Carrie hand different pink papers out. Kelly didn't find anything the girl did interesting, she just had a burning hate for the blonde.... and her father.

    "Clearly handing something out." Anita stated the obvious. Shifting side to side slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable as they continued to watch Carrie and her backup dancers prance around and had out papers.

    Flynn sighed her knuckles Turing white around her binders. "Yeah but what?" The girls hair fell over her books as she shot different looks of disgust to the blonde show girl.

    Julie shrugged, "Desperation." The four friends snickered at Julie's worlds. They all new it was true and somewhere in her mind Kelly thought Carrie knew it to.

    Carrie walked over to the four, her heels clicking across the floors, she bent at the wasit to hand Flynn a flyer from her hand, "Here you go. My group's performing at the spirit rally tomorrow. I'm sure you guys have nothing better to do." Keenly leaned over Flynn's shoulder to read the pink paper.

"Must see : Dirty Candy has a new song for you and an outstanding show to see as well! Go Bobcats."

    That was all the page said, but it was further embellished with different candy images and the five members of the dance group led by none other than Carrie Wilson.

    "Oh my gosh Carrie, thanks." Flynn didn't even pretend to cover up the disgust in her voice. And Kelly knew she would sound the same, maybe worse.

    Carrie placed her hand over her heart in a fake hurt motion, "Oh my gosh Flynn don't bother coming!" As Carrie walked away Kelly mouthed somthing to her that made Anita's eyes widen but Julie was too focused on Carrie boyfriend to notice.

    "Nick?" Flynn asked her best friend as she crummpled up the flyer, "Still? You know their gonna get married and have a bunch of unholy babies." The blonde seemed oblivious to the conversation happening about him three feet's away just staring down at his phone and every so often looking over to his girlfriend.

Truthfully Kelly didn't have a problem with the blonde boy. Sure he could be a bit much at times but he was talented and sweet. He also had this ability to know when someone had too much of his girlfriend. All round he seems like a nice guy, but he also seemed like an embellishment to Carrie's candy parade.

    "Yeah," Kelly pretend to faint back into Anita, "Oh babe what would my brand be without you?" She rested the back of her hand to her forehead, Anita holding her from under her arms as all that touched the grey flooring was Kelly's heels.

    Anita played right into the joke, "Guess, we'll never have to find out. I know we're still in highschool, but would you marry me?" She dropped her voice an octave trying to impersonate Nick.

    Julie rolled her eyes as Flynn laughed, "Nick's a sweetheart." She informed her friends of this any time they would try and explain to Julie the absurdity of liking someone without ever having a conversation.

    "You'd actually have to talk to him to know that. And only one of them has to be a demon to make a demon baby." Flynn turned back to Carrie, "Demon!" The four ducked their heads into Julie's locker when Carrie turned back around, all of them snickering. Flynn pointed towards Julie, "There's that smile. Now, let's go prove everybody wrong."

    Kelly swung her arm over Flynn's shoulder as Flynn put hers around Julie and Julie reached up to put hers around Anita. With that the four friends braved the halls together.

~

     Nick's blue guitar glistened as the sun hit it from the large windows in the music room. One or two notes had been flat but over all Kelly enjoyed the song he was playing.

    Now it was slightly odd he didn't have any other  accompaniment since all he was playing was an electric, but Kelly wasn't gonna tell him how to live his life. Besides she was really getting into the grove of the song. If she had a hair brush she probably would have added words and pretend she was singing to someone.

     Nick hit a rift at the very end of the song, Mrs Harrison walking around the boy to check how his fingers were positioned on the neck of the guitar. When Nick finished the note the whole class clapped, Mrs Harrison giving a chuckled. "Very nice Nick, almost as impressive as you game against Glendale." The whole class laughed, including Nick.

     Kelly leaned forward in her chair when Nick sat back down in front of her, "That was really good...." She paused for a second, "Maybe I could help you write some lyrics to the song?" She snickered at her own words, taking in the fact that Nick might have intended the song to have only notes. She just didn't think it all the way through.

     Her father told her that must have come from her aunt. The total inability to think before you speak. Or do anything really. She thought it was just ADHD but Kelly didn't want to self diagnose.

    Nick snickered about to reply before Carrie cut him off, "Is she bothering you Babe?" Carrier's voice was sharpe and she said the words to shut the conversation down rather than ask Nick's opinion in the matters.

    The boy sighed, "No. Not at all." He turned his head and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' to Kelly. She just nodded her head, the words Like Father like daughter running across her mind. Oh how lucky Carrie must be to be in the bliss of her father's lies.

    Mrs Harriosn cleared her throat, "And for our final duo of the day we have Miss Adair, and Miss Jonas." The class clapped as Anita and Kelly stood. Flynn sent her friends a wink as they waded through the seats in the room.

    Anita took her seat at the grand piano as Kelly grabbed her acoustic. If she was being honest she learned how to play the guitar for her aunt, if you asked she would tell you it was becuase she found it hot.

     Anita never understood why Kelly would just lie about that. She thought it was honorable to learn something in the name of a dead family member but Kelly would never tell the truth. She had tried to ask the Adair girl more than once why she did it and she almost told her until Carrie walked by and Kelly shut her mouth faster than Anita thought possible.

    The guitar entry was soft as Antia played the first real notes of the song. The jonas girl rolled her shoulders back before starting to sing, "I guess you really did it this time. Left yourself in warpath. Lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind tryin' get it back."

    Kelly took vocals, "Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into. Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything. And everybody belived in you?"

    The two sang together, "It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights is still bright to me. Oh, who you are is not where you've been. You're still an innocent. You're still an innocent. You're still an innocent." Kelly loved the way her voice sounded when she sang with Anita. Not that she didn't like her voice other times, she just loved how it blended with Anita's.

    The guitar picked up as Antia sang on her own again, "Did some things you can't speak of, but at night you live it all again. You wouldn't be shattered on floor now If only you would've seen what you know now then."

    Just like before the precourse was sung by Kelly alone, "Wasn't it easier in your firefly- catchin' days? When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you. Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you feel asleep. Before the moneters caught up to you?
    It's alright, just wait and see. Your sting of lights is still bright to me; Oh who you are is not where you've been. You're still an innocent." The vocals went between the two now.

    "It's okay, life is a tough crowd"
    "Thirty-two and still growin' up now."
    "Who you are is not what you did"
    "You're still an innocent."
    "Time turns flames to embers." As the bring started, Kellyw alked towards the panio, "You'll have new Septembers."
    "Every one of us has messed up, too.....Lives change like the weather."
    "I hope you remember. Today is never too late to be brand new."

    They were back to singing together, "It's alright, just wait and see. Your sting of lights is still bright to me. Oh, who you are is not where you've been. You're still an innocent. It's okay, life is a tough crowd. Thirty-two and still growin' up now. Who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent. You're still an innocent." The music played out for a few seconds before Kelly stopped her notes and it was just Antia on the panio.

    "Lost your balance on a tightrope, oh. It's never too late to get it back." Flynn jumped from her seat clapping for her friends. She wiggled her eyebrows at Kelly when they made eye contact. Flynn was the only one who really knew about Kelly's little crush on Antia.

    The Adair girl had been afrid of coming out as bi, in the end no one really cared she was still Kelly. Even her grandfather seemed unbothered by it. "Thank you girls. That was beautiful. Now we have one last profomance." Mrs Harrison clapped her hands, "Julie?"

    Slowly Julie stood from her seat, placing her cap onto it. Antia and Kelly gave their friend an encouraging nod as she walked past them before making her way to the panio bench. Mrs Harrison walked over to the other side of the bench as Julie sat down, "Take your time." Julie's hands hovered over the keys before she closed the panio lid, and stood from the bench.

    "I'm sorry." That was all Julie said as she stood.

    Kelly rose from her seat as Carrie twirled her finger around in the air, "Is this when we clap."

    Kelly couldn't keep in the anger, deciding that hitting Carrie the back side of the head was the NICEST thing she could do to the blonde. "Shove it Carrie." the red head raced out of the room after her friend.

~

    Kelly found her friend running down the stairs of the upper leaver. "Julie!" She yelled down to the Molina girl, staying just above the top step, "You gotta get back up here, and you show them you can sing!" Kelly was trying her best not to cry, her voice entring a falsetto when she said the word 'sing'

    Julie hiccuped from her tears, "I've tried for myself, I've tried fro Mrs Harrison. I've tried for you, Flynn, Nita. I've tried for Dad, Carlos. And I've tried for Mom." Julie leaned forward, "For a whole year, I have been trying. Hell, I've tried for your aunt's band, and dreams long lost. But I can't do this anymore. I can't." Julie wipped at her eye, "I'm done."  She started to walk away.

    "Julie." Nothing, "Julie!" When Julie was out of sight Kelly took two steps down the stairs, sitting donw on the last stair to the top. She body shook a few times before any real tears fell out.

    "Julie! Kelly! Jules! Kel!" Flynn and Antia yelled down the halls for their friends. The blue lockers blended together as the two sprinted down the halls screaming their friends names.

    Kelly let out one more sob. "She's gone guys. Give her some space." Kelly stood from the stairs, "Let's just go." Kelly pushed past her friends trying to get back to her locker and fix her now running make up. She hated crying. There were very few times she cried. January 19th, her aunt's birthday and October 8th, the Patterson twins birthday, were the only days she felt okay crying. Any other day she felt like crying was against the law. And this day wasn't any different.

~

   Kelly stoped at the same place everyday on the way home. The Adairs and Pattersons became even closer after the death of their children. Kelly always pitted the Patterson because they lost both their children in one night. At least Kelly's grandfather still had her father.

Her hand hovered over the white doorbell. A million thoughts passed her mind before she pushed down on it. The red door took her focus as she played with the straps on her backpack.

    The door of the home swing open before Kelly's eyes. Emily Patterson smiled down at the young girl. Sometimes it was hard for the older woman to see Kelly for the fact of how much she looked like her Aunt. There wasn't a day in the year Emily Patterson didn't see Erica Adair. Guess that came down to being best friends with one twin, and crushing on the other.

    "Kelly! Mitch!" Emily called into the house, "Kelly's here! Come in, come in."

"Oh umm. I don't really have time, I just wanted to ask something."

"Of course. What is it?"

Kelly sighed, not sure how to ask, "uhh. Well my friend's mom died a year ago. And it seems like she's just getting worse. I mean she can't even play a note now that her mother's dead. It's gotten so bad she just got kicked out of music. And I guess I just wanted to know if it gets worse before it gets better?"

Emily smiled at the girl as her husband came into the front room. "Well every thing has to go bad before it can be good. Other wise there wouldn't be a good to bad. There would only be the middle."

Kelly nodded, standing on her toes to press a kiss on the woman's cheek, "Thanks Mrs. Patterson. Bye Mr Patterson!" She waved as she started to walk away from the door. For a split second she felt like she saw Luke and Adam Patterson waving back at her. But of course that wasn't true, you can't ever get what you wish. No matter how hard you wish for it to be true.

"Stay safe!" the man yelled out as the girl walked away from his home. "Just like her aunt....."

".....To many unanswered questions." The husband and wife spoke at the same time, repeating the phase they would always yell at the girl who was almost their third child.

     They would have to tell it to Erica whenever she waited for Luke and Adam to roll out of bed. Or when her and Luke sat on the couch at 11 pm and Mitch and Emily just wanted to sleep. Or when she would bug the two parents on gifts to get the twins for their birthday so that her gift would stand out. It always seemed like the girl had more questions in a day than both the boys in a year.

And how most days they wished for just one more question.

~

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